Love my husband but feel like having an affair

[YourAquaLion]

I feel like the only person in the world to have this strange problem. Together over 10 years, have one 4yo son. He’s in his early 50’s, me early 40’s. I still think he’s gorgeous and fancy him, but since our kid was born things got very rocky. We had counselling which he hated as he considered the problems to be all my fault (and still does, I disagree, a relationship takes 2 people). We have been back on an even keel for almost a year now.

When our son was 2 he stopped sleeping thru the night and after a month of tag-teaming night wake ups with 1-2hrs spent putting son back in cot, I resorted to co-sleeping with son and husband went to spare room (of his own choice even tho large bed). Even tho now at school, our son still comes into me in the early hours every night. I’d like to work on him staying in own room over summer hols, but it seems cruel to foist this upon him while just starting school. Thats for a different post tho.

Husband will not ever start the night in bed beside me, and even when on the rare occasion we get a kid-free night, he still goes to the spare room. His reason is just that he’s too tired and just wants to go straight to sleep with no cuddle or chat, which is the thing that makes me feel loved, intimate and safe. He’s not too tired to exercise, do gardening or DIY, or work. The house and garden look lovely, but I’d rather live in an outdated house with a boring garden than him be so tired.

Daily, we have a kiss and a hug frequently, and in eve sometimes watch an hour of TV snuggled together and this is enough for him. I’ve told him (several times now) I’d like to be intimate or have sex more often. Last year I used to literally ask him if he’d like a blow job and he would say no he was too tired. In Jan it all came to a head and I said I’d have to ask him for an open relationship as I felt so rejected by him I couldn’t cope anymore if he was going to hold our rocky patch against me forevermore.

So now he doesn’t refuse if I say I’d like to be intimate but I have to book it in a day before so he’s not too tired. He never instigates it and says he’s just not that kind of person and won’t be ever. When we were first together we couldn’t even share a bed together without having sex we were that attracted to each other!

Are many men in their 50’s this tired with a young son? He is a fantastic dad who loves his son, is very attentive and plays with him loads, I have no doubts that I picked the right man on that score. He has a strong (too strong!) work ethic and good with money, kind, good sense of humour, we get on well most of the time, but why is he too tired to be my husband? I do the lion’s of the childcare organising/washing/schooladmin, I sleep every night with our son to give him a chance to have a good nights sleep, we both work full time and we both exercise a lot.

At certain times of the month (the pre period irritable ones! I get to the point where I think I don’t even want him to come to sleep beside me anymore. Or have sex with him. I just want to be wanted, and desired and loved in a sexual way. So if someone came along who I fancied, who also fancied me, I feel like I would just go ahead and have an affair. The problem is, deep down, I don’t want to have sex with other people - I just want my husband to want me! He’s the best at sex that I’ve ever had!

You can fill most husbandly-gaps with friendships, but not the sex one… maybe it is really now time to ask for an open relationship. We live in a nice house in a nice place and I don’t want to rip our child’s life apart. But I just can’t see this ever improving as he will just get older and older and presumably tireder and tireder.

Has anyone else come across this problem and does anyone have any other ideas about solving it? Of course I’ll talk to him again but he always uses the same reason - tired as he’s older than me.

Thanks so much if you even got to the end of this. I’d really appreciate some other opinions and insights. Sorry if I don’t reply immediately, I’m going to sleep now so I’ll check tomorrow. Thanks very much if you are awake and happy to advise! I don’t know any other woman in the world with this problem - my other girl friends are the ones not wanting the sex while their husband always does. Maybe I should borrow one of theirs… joking…

I have. I still think you need to put your child in its own bed. This does send a message that you are making space for him . It might well take him some time to use that space . ATM the mother space isn’t there.
It isn’t his bed is it? It is your child’s/ bed even when you are child free. You can’t just expect him to want to sleep in a bed that his child uses.
i get that you frustrated. Maybe you are both now incompatible.
youhave to ask yourself whether you would be prepared to accept this as the status quo- so this could be how you marriage will always be. Can you live with that? Don’t have an affair though. Either stick with the marriage or end it.

UPDATE! I talked to him! So after reading all of you guys’ excellent advice I brought it up with him at lunchtime that I was thinking of transitioning DS to own room this summer hols or maybe DH might suggest a better time. Then asked if that was the reason he doesn’t sleep in the same room.

He said, as he always does, that he still loves me and cares for me, (I also asked if he was still held back by the rocky period a couple of years ago and he said it wasn’t that) but he just has a lot of things in his head (DIY mainly) and really wants to get the house finished (it’s been 9 years now!!!) and it’s just not top of his agenda. He tried to explain to me that as a person he is very self contained and very content and doesn’t need reassurance or affection in the same way I do.

He also said that he genuinely is way more tired and again we both acknowledged that he will always be 10 years older than me, compounded by a lower sex drive anyway. He acknowledged we are out of the habit and sleeping in separate rooms every single night makes spontaneity less of an option.

I said this is what he always says and that intimacy in a relationship is essential and a dealbreaker for me, and what can I do to help him feel in the mood from time to time, and he said he didn’t know! I asked him if he wanted to try different things and he said no, we’re both totally vanilla, not even sex toys lol! But I’m totally open to trying new things if he has become bored. He says that’s not the issue.

I suggested supplements or testosterone and he said his hair might fall out and I’d fancy him less (lol not true!) but I will do some research for something to slip into his tea (joke!).

I think the long and the short of it is that he’s not as interested in sex as me, but if I want to make things work from my pov I have to instigate and he has promised to not reject me like last year. We talked about things like going to bed earlier on purpose just to cuddle, and trying the odd lunchtime again.

it does still kinda suck that I have to do all the heavy lifting where our intimacy and sex life is concerned. There’s nothing like feeling like you’re being a sex pest to dampen the fires. But maybe once we’re back in the habit he will remember what joy it brings.

Sometimes I do think he might be better off being a monk! And I still don’t understand why a person would have seemingly zero libido. Maybe I will hit 50 and totally dry up and he’ll be there going I told you so!

I know some people also thought it was a red flag that he thinks everything was my fault after DS was born and I do agree that this is massively annoying that we didn’t see eye to eye on this, but he’s stepped up in every area since (well, he cud cook some more meals and not leave me to do the comms with his own family or all the schoolmin and childcare organisation and hang some washing out) but I can see all the other things he does for the family and how much he does for our DS and I feel that we are a team now playing to our strengths - I’m just better at organising things, he’s much better at DIY, gardening and calming things down when DS has a tantrum etc.

So let’s see how this goes. I’d say the onus is still on me to get him to snuggle, but maybe this is just the way it has to be as that’s just the person he is and this is the person I am.

but thanks so much everyone for all your amazing responses and thanks to so many for advising me not to have an affair - I’d always talk to him before such a calamitous thing occurred but sometimes I just get to that point where I feel like I just want someone to desire me. Not try to wring it out of someone who’s not keen. And thanks also to those who did advise me to have an affair, you only live once! I don’t even know if all humans are supposed to be monogamous. So go for it! No judgement here xxx

Thank you so much for this and I’m so sorry you went thru that, don’t feel guilty for having one night stands etc you must have had your reasons, I completely understand!

This sounds a bit like us, just totally different people, can you split from him? Every time i have a chat with DH I feel hopeful and try again, like today, but when it’s so one sided it’s hard to keep the momentum up! I hope you can find happiness soon! Xx

Most 40 and 50 year old men and women i know have teens or young adults not 4 year olds.
So i get that with a young child lack of sleep working, day to day life and ageing etc would make anyone tired.

What I’m not seeing here is his understanding of how it makes you feel, or any compassion for the way his lack of libido is effecting your self esteem and creating cracks in the marriage.
What were HIS suggestions to try and improve things? Where is his willingness to look honestly at his part in the breakdown of this area and address it and make changes to improve?
Why is the house being ‘finished’ more important to him than your feeling loved and connected?
How do you honestly feel after this conversation? Like you have been heard, understood and are loved?

I’d advise strongly against an affair. It will throw a bomb into your life you may never recover from, emotionally or financially.
However I would be chatting with your therapist about whether you might be happier on your own. Anecdotally and looking at the boards here I’m not sure many people in their 40’s/50’’s find a really great partner who will bring a great balance of love/sex/care/accountability/financial responsibility to the table. But I do know and read about many women happier steering their own ship at this age and having satisfactory sex with men they don’t necessarily settle down with.

@YourAquaLionit would be very hard for financial
reasons but not impossible. I’ve got a couple of important family events coming up and after then will think about separating

The practicalities often outweigh what we really need to do don’t they. Sending you strength to get thru it.

I do feel I’ve been heard and that he will work on it, but I don’t think he takes this need of mine seriously at all because he doesn’t feel it too. He just says he’s a different person to me, which I do understand, but I’m standing my ground and insisting. But yes its annoying to have to!!! But based on other threads I’ve seen it could be a lot worse!

Yet on the who pays on dates threads posters always insist that Mr Fifty Fifty must believe in equality. 🙄

Yep, I’m afraid you’re still not quite getting it. Kid or no kid, why isn’t he prioritising intimacy with his wife? We would take turns sleeping with DS if DH could hack it but he can’t, he gets a terrible nights sleep and won’t unless I have to be away with work or the odd social occasion. As I said before, it’s his choice to go in the spare and never to invite me in there and not want me to come in there with him as he is too tired. DS doesn’t come in to my bed until the early hours. DH could start in the marital bed first. And the bed is actually big enough for all of us. I do this for DH not me. DH used to go in his parents bed scared of the dark until he was 6 so he thinks it’s totally fine and doesn’t know how we start to get DS not sleeping with mummy. I’d love to boot DS out of the bed, he wakes me up too wriggling around! But I just get on with it.

Good you’ve had a chat. I’d give it 6 more months and if things don’t improve, i’d call it a day. Your needs are not being met and he’s barely doing anything to fix it, other than agreeing to have sex if you instigate. I doubt that’s going to go far in making you feel desired but maybe if he knows his marriage is on the line, he might make more effort. Generally in this situation i’m sorry to say but the attraction has gone. He doesn’t seem keen to see the GP to find out why he is so tired either or any self help.

Is he taking viagra or some other thing hence the scheduling ahead? I do think you need to get your child out of your bed. I can't understand - because I'm quite old - the modern trend of not getting a child in a sleeping routine which doesn't involve them sleeping in your bed. I tried bringing our first child into bed with us - once - we were cramped and he was a little heat generator and it lasted 20 minutes before he was back in his cot. My children had their own rooms let alone beds from birth - yes they used to come and get in bed in the mornings and they wanted us to read them stories. But they knew they were sleeping in their own rooms always. They knew that if they were unwell during the night they could come and wake us.

I know there are lots of pp who have said that they were in a similar situation and it never changed but I wanted to give you another perspective. I was in a similar situation. We had young children and I neglected my relationship. Didn’t want intimacy and was short with him, not nice in general.

Our relationship became more like housemates. Then when I was out of young children haze I missed intimacy and wanted to feel desired. By this point my DH had checked out of that part of our life. His libido was low and I suspect he used porn when he had the urge. We had sex sometimes but I felt I was always initiating and sometimes he turned me down if he was tired, which he was a lot. It made me feel really unloved and I struggled. Like you I thought about what it would feel like to be desired by another man but deep down I knew it was only him I wanted. Everything else would only be an ego boost.

It’s now 100% better. To the point he’s been organising dirty weekend away, and will take any opportunity to have sex. I can’t pinpoint exactly what happened to turn it around but I was quietly persistent. I made a conscious effort not to feel rejected knowing I had done it to him for years and it wasn’t because I didn’t want him — I just didn’t have the desire for sex. I did things like asked for a naked cuddle but told him I didn’t want sex, it took the pressure off, and sometimes it just stayed a cuddle and sometimes it led to more, always initiated by him. He got fitter and it helped with his tiredness. He also completely stopped watching porn. He noticed the difference in his desire once he banned himself and now he says porn is a turn off. We both agree that our relationship is in the best place it has ever been and it’s partly due to the fact we appreciate each other because we remember how bad it was. It has taken years to get things back on track.

I really hope you can turn it around too. Definitely don’t have an affair. There is no guarantee he wouldn’t find out and even if he didn’t you would hate yourself for it in the long run.

My DH is early 40s but sex doesn't bother him anymore I wouldn't have a affair but I just miss that not saying you should cheat because I don't agree with it

I am in a similar situation to you and have used Tinder and other platforms to have casual sex, have not regretted it, do not feel guilty about it and it has in fact totally saved my mental health and self esteem. I am almost 100% sure my husband is actually gay and there is no intimacy (no touch at all) of any kind between us. It is a marriage of convenience. If he finds out and leaves that is fine. If he doesn't find out and still leaves that is also fine. I have a timeline for leaving. I am only staying for practical reasons and the children and so is he. I am fine with him doing the same. I have not spoken with him about it because I have never seen an actual 'open marriage' where both partners are aware of what is happening work out, it always causes more problems in the end.

Lots of people take lovers to get through situations like this. If you have to, do it. Only YOU can decide. People will always judge you. They don't know you. They are not in your situation. No one on here actually knows what you are going through emotionally. Just be smart about it and protect yourself. This is your ONE LIFE. If you do it, do not tell anyone not even friends. Confess to a priest if you have to, but otherwise take it to the grave. It's only sex. It's not murder or child abuse. He quite frankly sounds like he deserves it. If he doesn't want to put any effort into you or make you feel like a woman, then I guess some other man will.

Hi

I could have written your post word to word, the difference being that we're in our early 30s!

I 100% get the pre-period rage and the times I invest too much.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last few months and have come to the realisation that I need to invest in myself. The more thought I give this issue and man, the worse I feel so I now redirect my energy and efforts into things that make/keep my glass full. I have given myself grace to be upset about it yet not dwell on it as I do not want to make any decisions yet.
I hope he can feel the withdrawal and come to his sense, but even if he doesn't, I at least won't be resentful as that is killing my relationship more than ever.

I hope this is helpful. I wont lie, it is a constant battle but I am now doing life without any expectations from him and it helps.

Lots of love