Love my husband but feel like having an affair

[YourAquaLion]

I feel like the only person in the world to have this strange problem. Together over 10 years, have one 4yo son. He’s in his early 50’s, me early 40’s. I still think he’s gorgeous and fancy him, but since our kid was born things got very rocky. We had counselling which he hated as he considered the problems to be all my fault (and still does, I disagree, a relationship takes 2 people). We have been back on an even keel for almost a year now.

When our son was 2 he stopped sleeping thru the night and after a month of tag-teaming night wake ups with 1-2hrs spent putting son back in cot, I resorted to co-sleeping with son and husband went to spare room (of his own choice even tho large bed). Even tho now at school, our son still comes into me in the early hours every night. I’d like to work on him staying in own room over summer hols, but it seems cruel to foist this upon him while just starting school. Thats for a different post tho.

Husband will not ever start the night in bed beside me, and even when on the rare occasion we get a kid-free night, he still goes to the spare room. His reason is just that he’s too tired and just wants to go straight to sleep with no cuddle or chat, which is the thing that makes me feel loved, intimate and safe. He’s not too tired to exercise, do gardening or DIY, or work. The house and garden look lovely, but I’d rather live in an outdated house with a boring garden than him be so tired.

Daily, we have a kiss and a hug frequently, and in eve sometimes watch an hour of TV snuggled together and this is enough for him. I’ve told him (several times now) I’d like to be intimate or have sex more often. Last year I used to literally ask him if he’d like a blow job and he would say no he was too tired. In Jan it all came to a head and I said I’d have to ask him for an open relationship as I felt so rejected by him I couldn’t cope anymore if he was going to hold our rocky patch against me forevermore.

So now he doesn’t refuse if I say I’d like to be intimate but I have to book it in a day before so he’s not too tired. He never instigates it and says he’s just not that kind of person and won’t be ever. When we were first together we couldn’t even share a bed together without having sex we were that attracted to each other!

Are many men in their 50’s this tired with a young son? He is a fantastic dad who loves his son, is very attentive and plays with him loads, I have no doubts that I picked the right man on that score. He has a strong (too strong!) work ethic and good with money, kind, good sense of humour, we get on well most of the time, but why is he too tired to be my husband? I do the lion’s of the childcare organising/washing/schooladmin, I sleep every night with our son to give him a chance to have a good nights sleep, we both work full time and we both exercise a lot.

At certain times of the month (the pre period irritable ones! I get to the point where I think I don’t even want him to come to sleep beside me anymore. Or have sex with him. I just want to be wanted, and desired and loved in a sexual way. So if someone came along who I fancied, who also fancied me, I feel like I would just go ahead and have an affair. The problem is, deep down, I don’t want to have sex with other people - I just want my husband to want me! He’s the best at sex that I’ve ever had!

You can fill most husbandly-gaps with friendships, but not the sex one… maybe it is really now time to ask for an open relationship. We live in a nice house in a nice place and I don’t want to rip our child’s life apart. But I just can’t see this ever improving as he will just get older and older and presumably tireder and tireder.

Has anyone else come across this problem and does anyone have any other ideas about solving it? Of course I’ll talk to him again but he always uses the same reason - tired as he’s older than me.

Thanks so much if you even got to the end of this. I’d really appreciate some other opinions and insights. Sorry if I don’t reply immediately, I’m going to sleep now so I’ll check tomorrow. Thanks very much if you are awake and happy to advise! I don’t know any other woman in the world with this problem - my other girl friends are the ones not wanting the sex while their husband always does. Maybe I should borrow one of theirs… joking…

10 years in a dead marriage is a slow torture.

I think I'd tell him what splitting up will look like tbh. This isn't working and you'll end up hating him.

Libido waxes and wanes. For both men and women.

If this were a woman whose libido was at a low ebb we would all be saying her OH should be understanding and not solve things with an affair.

No we wouldn't. Nobody should be expected to put up with no intimacy.

I do think separate bedrooms are (in the context of an already strained relationship) kind of the kiss (or non-kiss rather) of death.

Obviously separate sleeping can be a symptom of problems, or entered into for what were initially practical reasons, but then it takes on a dynamic of its own and causes more problems.

Often sex is not planned, or a big thing- it’s just something that happens when you are half asleep. Separate bedrooms stops this. Plus the lack of physical connection- smell, touch, heating someone’s breathing- is I think itself very inimical to intimacy.

Plus (sorry to say but it’s a fact) separate rooms & sleeping make men much more likely to increase pornography use & this too causes massive problems. (I would tend to assume a man sleeping separately is going down this path, however nice he is generally.)

I really would prioritise getting back to one shared bedroom. (I appreciate this is not all that is needed to repair the relationship- but I think it is a vital first step in preventing further deterioration & estrangement, emotional & sexual.)

This means getting your son to stop getting in with you regularly. I appreciate your wish to put him first and actually agree with it. But in this case I think the benefit to him, over the years, of having parents together in a stable relationship far outweighs the benefits of getting in with you. It’s a bit like ice cream- a great treat every now & then but in the longer term allowing him to eat ice cream every day will have negative effects. He just does not understand that because he is a child.

I would not put this off till summer but would make half term the exciting point (ahem) at which as a big boy he stays in his own bed. I know it will be sad and difficult- but so are divorce and single parenthood and unhappy relationships. Maybe one option would be to redecorate his room and get a new bed for him (themed maybe) to make him feel excited about his own room.

Well if this genuinely is a dealbreaker, you have to break the deal.

I was the person who didn't want sex in my marriage, even though I loved my ex-H as a person. I just wasn't attracted to him any more. I thought my libido was dead - until I realised it was only dead towards him.

Once I realised it was only a matter of time before I had an affair, I got divorced. I suspect you are at that point. Especially as he is making it very plain that he feels everything is your fault, and isn't up for making any changes.

There's only so long you can flog a dead horse.

I remember really really craving sex when I was 40-45. Far more so than in my 20s even. I think it’s your body’s last hurrah, it knows its reproductive capabilities are on their way out so it wants you to get pregnant whilst you still can.

“Luckily” if you wait a few more years, your craving for sex will peter out and be more like your DH’s!

I would try your best not to have an affair, there’s no going back, it will adversely affect your DCs and believe me, the pickings out there are very slim.

Would your DH consider a trip to the GP?

I stayed in a marriage for many sexless years for the children and ashamed to admit had a few one night stands and affairs. It does not solve anything, it actually made me feel worthless after the excitement wore off. We eventually split when the children were old enough and I struggled big time financially. My ex despised me and loved me in equal measures, was controlling and cruel and obsessive. We stayed for the children and I would do that again despite everything that happened. He did not want me sexually for over 10 years and I did used to try but he preferred porn. Sounds terrible now I’m putting it in words. The children were, and still are, my everything. Think of the effect this will have on your son if you go ahead, the discovery of an affair is like a bomb going off in every way. Please try stay on an even keel and enjoy what you already have and try improve things with your husband x

Absolutely agree with every word

I went through similar. I tried for years and years to make everything right, I felt blamed for all that was wrong and completely lost myself in amongst being the breadwinner and doing almost everything at home, all while feeling deeply unhappy and unloved. I was 50 last year and decided enough was enough and started the process to separate. We are still going through it now.

My husband was depressed, in my opinion, and just wouldn't/couldn't listen to me and respond. It was absolutely exhausting having the same conversations year and year and nothing changing. He had very good qualities but they just were not enough and we completely grew apart.

My children are teens and seen be absolutely fine with is splitting up. They can see how incompatible we had become. It is amicable for the most part though very stressful for me as we still have to live together for a while longer.

So. Deep down you probably know what you need to do. I did for years, I just didn't have the strength/courage to go through with it.

Imagine if a woman had said she has a young child, she works all day, and does a lot of work around the home, including parenting the child, and goes to bed exhausted. But her husband makes it clear he wants sex. She's now discovered he's on a blokes' forum talking about planning to have an affair because his physical needs aren't being met and he's not one for settling down after all, and some of the men on there are encouraging him to have the affair, or just use his wife until he can get rid of her, because they believe his wife isn't worth it, even though he admits she's a good wife and mum.

I wonder what advice she'd be getting.

People who haven’t experienced the aftermath of an affair cannot understand the utter devastation for all concerned.
Whatever you do, don’t go down that path.

The two of you have had a rough time in fairly recent years and it takes its toll. People need to feel safe to feel like sex. And if they’re the low desire partner, feeling pursued can feel intolerable and unsexy.

I agree with all the comments about co-sleeping. You really need to prioritise ending that for all concerned.

Other than that, continue to work on yourself - as I can see you are - and perhaps let “it” drop for a while but work instead on talking about the difficult years, your fears and regrets and hopes. And about how much you appreciate and admire him.

Some reverse psychology might work here if you back off and take the pressure off him.

He does sound like a decent man. If he’s frightened of being hurt again in that very specific and excruciating way (with some merit by the sounds of things) then it’s not going to be a turn-on is it?

No one would say to solve it with an affair though. Jeez.

This is pretty awful. I get you're unhappy, OP, but that you'd have an affair just because you 'feel like it' is terrible considering you have a 4yr old child. What's wrong with you?

Nobody is saying that though, are they?

In fact what we've got here is apparently adults shouldn't sleep apart but little kids should and that she should wait a few years for menopause so her libido dies and it'll be golden then.

Think I would prefer to see a green light for the affair tbh

I don’t think you have read my replies, he even sleeps in the spare when we are kid free. It’s his choice to sleep alone and says he sleeps a lot better like that, always has and always will. I asked him if it will continue to be that way after DS is grown and he just said he sleeps better alone. So I don’t really know if it would change.

Great idea, okay, I will look into this option. He’s not a great one for going to the GP (he is typical in that sense of male stereotypes!) but it’s defo a new one to try. Thanks!

I am one for settling down though. And it’s not like I want intimacy nightly or even weekly. I don’t think sleeping in the same bed as me once a fortnight or month, or appearing to fancy me in any way is too much to ask of a husband at any point in the relationship. I haven’t cheated and I never will - I just said this is how his actions make me feel. That’s kinda why I’m on here rather than Tinder eh…

Ha ha ha I love your candour! That’s why I’m kinda desperate right now, I know my libido might die forever after the menopause and feel like I’m wasting time with celibacy. Sex is a kind of stress relief for me as well as feeling strongly connected to a partner. Of course I can sort myself and do so very often these days as nothing is happening with DH. But altho it does release the tension and it’s nice to orgasm, it makes me feel like a right saddo to have to do it so much, and also it’s not like the real thing. Doesn’t he enjoy it too? He seems to think it’s too much effort.

Is it possible he could be a porn addict? My ex was and I had no idea. A few things were similar to your story. Sudden change in libido, sleeping in the spare room, being private about bathroom time.

My ex was also covertly abusive and, again, I see some similarities. Not taking any accountability for problems in the relationship, not talking about problems, blaming all the problems on you and your 'issues'

@YourAquaLion

Are many men in their 50’s this tired with a young son? He is a fantastic dad who loves his son, is very attentive and plays with him loads, I have no doubts that I picked the right man on that score. He has a strong (too strong!) work ethic and good with money, kind, good sense of humour, we get on well most of the time, but why is he too tired to be my husband? I do the lion’s of the childcare organising/washing/schooladmin, I sleep every night with our son to give him a chance to have a good nights sleep, we both work full time and we both exercise a lot.

Not really. My relationship with DH is the opposite. He'd still be up for it constantly, but having a son (sleepless nights for two years after a traumatic emergency c section with him being several weeks premature) completely wrecked my sex drive which I've never got back. He's often tired as he's self employed so works long hours and has the stress of his own business, does most of the house DIY and gardening, spends an hour or two per day exercising, and also washed/cleans both our cars every week, so he's constantly on the go, active doing something. He's also had cancer for 8 years and is on lifetime chemotherapy and even that hasn't dampened his enthusiasm, although he's not up for it a few days each month on his monthly treatment regime which does cause him to feel very tired and

Yet still always has the energy/drive for intimacy whenever it's on the cards - he's literally never said no in the nearly 40 years we've been together. Thankfully, he doesn't push me for it, and seems to be able to "read" me like a book, so knows when to be "suggestive" and when to leave me alone (although we still kiss and cuddle daily - he knows when to take it a little further) - though he also takes it well when I say no (or more likely when I give the "bugger off" vibe when he gets a little handsy!), and he doesn't take offence nor go off in a huff. I'd love to get my sex drive back as I do still enjoy the intimacy and fancy him, but my body is wrecked.

So, sad to say, I think your OH is just using "being tired" as an excuse to avoid intimacy with you. He either doesn't fancy you anymore and/or he's getting his rocks off with someone else and/or he's addicted to porn.

Your brain is just shouting 'have an affair' because that is new and fun and comes with sex usually, and that is what you are missing.

But please please, do not do this. It might seem the answer to your problem, now. Right now, but what about the aftermath of it.

I am in his age group, and I can tell you for sure that 50 year old men do not have the sex drive anymore than they had when you met. So that part might just be that you are mismatched there now.

Maybe the open marriage is the way to go. As it seems you bumble on okay apart from this issue. His reaction to counselling is a bit alarming though.

It feels like you’ve drunk the cool aid of him being brilliant. But in reality when you had PND that was somehow your fault. How did he step up? Physically and emotionally?
when you lost you job how did he step up?
Hinestly he sounds like he needs a bloody good verbal smacking. Do your friends really like him or do they just keep quiet about their real feelings?
And how much parenting does he actually do? 50:50 or more like 10:90?

Always someone with the tiresome reversal. Men and women are different. There are almost always different sets of circumstances for men and women. If you ask me, OP seems totally emotionally neglected by a spouse who loathes her, and she’s expressing her loneliness through a desire for sex. But this isn’t about sex or libido at all, it’s about being rejected by her significant other. He acts like he is nothing but a roommate and has paid no mind to her needs. What he does around the house seems entirely for himself and OP is a neglected garden!

You need to get your child out of your bed. How is he supposed to even begin to feel desire for you when there is no marital bed?

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