Love my husband but feel like having an affair

[YourAquaLion]

I feel like the only person in the world to have this strange problem. Together over 10 years, have one 4yo son. He’s in his early 50’s, me early 40’s. I still think he’s gorgeous and fancy him, but since our kid was born things got very rocky. We had counselling which he hated as he considered the problems to be all my fault (and still does, I disagree, a relationship takes 2 people). We have been back on an even keel for almost a year now.

When our son was 2 he stopped sleeping thru the night and after a month of tag-teaming night wake ups with 1-2hrs spent putting son back in cot, I resorted to co-sleeping with son and husband went to spare room (of his own choice even tho large bed). Even tho now at school, our son still comes into me in the early hours every night. I’d like to work on him staying in own room over summer hols, but it seems cruel to foist this upon him while just starting school. Thats for a different post tho.

Husband will not ever start the night in bed beside me, and even when on the rare occasion we get a kid-free night, he still goes to the spare room. His reason is just that he’s too tired and just wants to go straight to sleep with no cuddle or chat, which is the thing that makes me feel loved, intimate and safe. He’s not too tired to exercise, do gardening or DIY, or work. The house and garden look lovely, but I’d rather live in an outdated house with a boring garden than him be so tired.

Daily, we have a kiss and a hug frequently, and in eve sometimes watch an hour of TV snuggled together and this is enough for him. I’ve told him (several times now) I’d like to be intimate or have sex more often. Last year I used to literally ask him if he’d like a blow job and he would say no he was too tired. In Jan it all came to a head and I said I’d have to ask him for an open relationship as I felt so rejected by him I couldn’t cope anymore if he was going to hold our rocky patch against me forevermore.

So now he doesn’t refuse if I say I’d like to be intimate but I have to book it in a day before so he’s not too tired. He never instigates it and says he’s just not that kind of person and won’t be ever. When we were first together we couldn’t even share a bed together without having sex we were that attracted to each other!

Are many men in their 50’s this tired with a young son? He is a fantastic dad who loves his son, is very attentive and plays with him loads, I have no doubts that I picked the right man on that score. He has a strong (too strong!) work ethic and good with money, kind, good sense of humour, we get on well most of the time, but why is he too tired to be my husband? I do the lion’s of the childcare organising/washing/schooladmin, I sleep every night with our son to give him a chance to have a good nights sleep, we both work full time and we both exercise a lot.

At certain times of the month (the pre period irritable ones! I get to the point where I think I don’t even want him to come to sleep beside me anymore. Or have sex with him. I just want to be wanted, and desired and loved in a sexual way. So if someone came along who I fancied, who also fancied me, I feel like I would just go ahead and have an affair. The problem is, deep down, I don’t want to have sex with other people - I just want my husband to want me! He’s the best at sex that I’ve ever had!

You can fill most husbandly-gaps with friendships, but not the sex one… maybe it is really now time to ask for an open relationship. We live in a nice house in a nice place and I don’t want to rip our child’s life apart. But I just can’t see this ever improving as he will just get older and older and presumably tireder and tireder.

Has anyone else come across this problem and does anyone have any other ideas about solving it? Of course I’ll talk to him again but he always uses the same reason - tired as he’s older than me.

Thanks so much if you even got to the end of this. I’d really appreciate some other opinions and insights. Sorry if I don’t reply immediately, I’m going to sleep now so I’ll check tomorrow. Thanks very much if you are awake and happy to advise! I don’t know any other woman in the world with this problem - my other girl friends are the ones not wanting the sex while their husband always does. Maybe I should borrow one of theirs… joking…

I would ask him to get testosterone checked can do gp or likely private home kit these days! Symptoms what you suggest and he’s the right age for it to become low can be helped with a cream.

thanks so much for your reply and I’m so sorry you’re in a similar situation. Thanks for understanding how devastating this is, to some people it’s just a total non issue as everyone is different. All our lives society tells us that men just want sex all the time, but here it seems the opposite is true. I really appreciate your reply and advice, and I’m glad you have found a good way to channel the energy. I also do that already, maybe I just have too much energy! I’ll take up another hobby.

The last time I mentioned this on MN a creep PM’d me repeatedly. But here goes again. This online approach is what I have resorted to. I have connected with people via Reddit. Not using the personals to arrange meet ups. The site more generally allows for admiring, chatting and really important for me personally connecting and feeling wanted.

The bit about counselling not working because he thinks it is all your fault is a major red flag.
If say try counselling again and see if he is willing to take accountability. If he isn't there are bigger problems than just sexual incompatability

Did you miss the part where the OP says she also works full time?

Thanks both, sorry not to reply directly to first poster, consider this to you both. This is an interesting one as actually I’ve started writing a book about a woman in my situation who actually does go out and reconnect with old flames and new dates. It’s doing what I would do if I wasn’t committed to the marriage contract and didn’t mind really hurting my partner. I’m not sure I’d want to do it with real people as I feel like both me and him would defo regard that as an affair of some sorts. And as people on here have said, once you do something like that there’s no going back. And it’s not other people I want to sleep with, it’s my own husband. I love him and desire him! He loves me but the desire part has gone xx

In what way is he a good husband to you? He doesn’t seem very bothered by your feelings and made a big deal of your perceived sins (you didn’t support him enough during the health scare, everything is your fault, etc), while not caring much about how totally unloved you’re feeling. You don’t do things as a family, you take care of the kid, and nothing you wrote reflects a meaningful connection between the two of you. What’s really going on: is it just a lack of sex, or is it his total lack of real attention to the marriage? I think you’re feeling abandoned because of something much larger. He doesn’t seem to be caring much for you, from how you put it.

I’d wait 10 years, enjoy the benefits of the house, etc etc then split when your son is older. Life as a working single mum is very difficult

Been there. It’s been over 20 years of discussing compromising ultimatums therapy but ultimately no change. I have resigned myself now but if someone I like comes along I will not be limiting myself

Fascinating thread. Goes to show it's NOT just husbands that this happens to. Exactly the same in my house: separate bedrooms, any problems are all my fault, wife prioritising absolutely anything else at all apart from the marriage, refusal to engage on the issue.

It sounds like your husband has completely checked out of the marriage, and without frankness and honesty from him, it's impossible to know what you can do about it. Maybe you've done something that he can't get past. Or you aren't meeting his needs in some way. Maybe he's been unfaithful and can't bring himself to tell you. Maybe he's depressed. Maybe it's one of those things the other posters have suggested. Maybe it's nothing. Unless he actually opens up to you it's all just guessing games, and it's not fair.

There's no answer. You can't change anybody except yourself. Speak to him again, I guess, if you can think of a new way of phrasing the same old thing. But really, what are the chances of him transforming into a man who can't wait to get you in to the bedroom?

I personally feel separation is less impactful for kids the younger they are. Your son will grow up not knowing any different.

Maybe OP rather than all these serious chats where you tell him you want more sex or an open marriage - which IMO isn't going to get anyone in the mood - you could tell him how attracted you are to him, how great he is in bed, how he's the best you ever had etc etc. If you start making him feel wanted rather than like a sex object that you're going to dump if it doesn't perform enough then he might be a bit keener. Don't turn into a sex pest though, just keep it light and fun.

I think you have to accept though that he is 10 years older than you and that in 10 years time your libido might not be what it is now either. Twice a week seems a lot to me at 50, once a week or twice a month might be more realistic.

Get your son out your bed too, there'll always be some excuse not to do it now - he's got to school age and is still there! Set an alarm for him so he can come if for cuddles when the alarm goes off at 7am or whatever time he/you get up. If he comes in in the night then take him back to his bed and settle him there.

I don’t think he sounds that nice tbh, he didn’t like your PND, doesn’t care enough to understand that having a child can be a trigger, you lost your job and pay 50:50 but he never picked up the slack but you were meant to support him with a health scare?

I think you need to think about whether he is as nice as you seem to think. When you’ve had an abusive upbringing it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between doesn’t hurt me in that way and actually loves you.

I had a very difficult time when DD was born, didn’t sleep through for 4 years, had PND, massive strain on my relationship. BUT we tried to understand and when the dust settled owned our own parts.

DH also 50’s and sex fell off a cliff, we had a chat and he’s definitely making more effort and reassured me that he still finds me attractive etc and is making an effort. It is harder, hell I’m tired but the intimacy is good for our relationship so we are trying to be better at making some time for it. Sometimes its weeks between sometimes it’s once a week. But we are both insanely busy, I’m in peri and thats enough to keep a sense of connection.

Also if his sex drive has just disappeared theres nothing much you can do about that.

It must be really galling to have a Partner/Husband working at DIY house and garden but not giving you the care you need.
You mention a fling or affair, have you had sex with anyone else since you have been married? They get easier!
We had a difficult time and I did have an affair. We were found out and it was a disaster. I had had a fling before that remained a secret.
It really is not the answer to your problem.

Thanks for asking this, it's a good question to understand for myself why I stay.

In a nutshell, he is a good person, we have similar political and ethical views, he is kind and cuddly in the day, I find him attractive, we do have some share interests (music, exercising, outdoors, being interested in the fascinating world around us, history, culture etc). He cleans the kitchen, he works hard to make our house and garden a beautiful place. Most importantly he is a loving and attentive father that I would never want to deprive my child of.

When we were having difficulties 2 years ago we both did agree that if it wasn't for our son we would have ended things already. If it wasn't for his insistence that 'divorces ruin kids lives' (I don't agree with this but he agreed to come to counselling) we would have very probably divorced by now, as I came to that point 3 times when it was just so horrible. We would have these awful arguments until about 3am, when we really should have been sleeping! I also wanted to end my life at one point during this - because him not loving me felt so awful and I felt like I was just such a terrible mum, trying not to but still repeating what was done to me. It has taken me a long time to become more confident in my mumming and see that I am not like my mum.

We are very different people and we want different things out of life - which was fine when childless as you have time to do things apart and together, but when things become stressful you realise just how different you are. This can work really well and it is a team effort with different roles to play, but it's just becoming more and more apparent to me that I want to live my life differently and no one can force anyone else along for the same ride.

I have definitely thought that this may well happen. But then sometimes I don't think I can hang on 10 years! But yes, you are right, he is a great dad and my son adores him, which is wonderful to see. I don't want to ruin all that for him. If we split he would definitely pay his share and want to see DS all the time, if anything, I'd be the one to leave. I'm a gypsy at heart. But I would never do that to my DS, I don't want to damage him by abandoning him. His needs come first in all this.

I think he feels he is working hard for the family by earning a living, and making the house and garden beyond nice for us both. That is his way of showing his love, and also enjoying a hobby when it comes to the gardening. The only problem he seems to have is when I raise the fact that I have a problem! He doesn't understand why I have to ruin it all by not being happy and content with the way things are. I'm sorry this is the case for you too, it's a horrible situation.

I do feel bad saying he does all these great handy things as so many MNers have such terrible partners that don't lift a finger in these directions! But I was happy with our large piece of grass that just required lawn mowing - I can do mowing! It cost us a lot of money and now it is beautiful, lots going on, don't get me wrong, but it's his hobby not mine. It's not one of my bucket list things to have a beautiful garden, I'd rather go to a forest or mountains and explore the wilderness.

If I ever did cheat on him I would 100% never tell him. I think it would break his heart, which is strange, because I do keep warning him this is the direction it's going in! The last 2 loves of his life cheated on him also, and I'm thinking maybe the same thing happened to them? I even asked him why he thought that was, and he said he's never ever been so tired in all his life and that's the reason for the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I do feel for him. But I also feel for me too.

You sound like a lovely mum. Thousands of people are in marriages where everything is not 100% but we stay for the children and the home we can provide. I doubt your husband will ever be as sexual as you want but you have to weigh it up again your son’s needs and the security you can provide. The grass is 100% NOT greener on the other side! (Talking from experience here)

Thanks so much, this is really good advice, I've only had 3 serious chats with him over the space of 2 years about this, so this is not my only modus operandi.

Not sure where you got the figure of twice a week from, I never said a frequency, I'd be happy with fortnightly or monthly, just anything really!

I don't agree with booting DS out of bed right now, he's just started school which is a big move, so we will do that when he is settled in. You're totally right, there is never a right time, but this is definitely the wrong time!

In the past I have tried:
Just trying to instigate - met with, you guessed it, I'm tried, you never try at the right times, you need to give me some warning so I can not do exercise which wears me out
Trying to book it in - some success but does feel a bit forced and sometimes when you book it, that's the time you want it! So it's kind of passed by then and a bit awks.
Sexy underwear - he is not bothered by it but happy if it turns me on. Says it's pointless cos it comes off anyway. Like seriously, what is with this man? Don't men like sexy underwear?
Siting down at the table (on a rare kid-free morning) naked and looking at him suggestively - he actually laughed at this one and said something like "What are you doing that for?" and I still feel really hurt by that.
Flirty texts - he has come off Whatsapp as he finds it overwhelming, so this is not a good way to communicate with him
Nudes by text x 4 (he enjoyed the first couple and one pic of my boobs even got him to come back downstairs from bed, but the last one he actually did not even respond to. So I felt stupid and angry and like he was never going to get one ever again from me!)
Asking him if he wants a BJ - no, too tired
Saying I had a sexy dream about him and that we should have sex - sometimes works.
Lunchtime sex (we both work from home a fair amount) - this was one of his preferred times, but I really hate it! I did it anyway as if that's the only way to be intimate then of course I will give it a try. But as I'm the instigator of it all, I don't feel as motivated to instigate in the middle of work. It's a bit of a mismatch.

I also do compliment him and say he looks nice, smells gorge, like his body if I happen to glance him naked (he's very private about his toiletting and showering) but he doesn't really like it! He's one of these people that don't like this type of attention.

Actually writing all this has made me really angry about it all! It's really not like I haven't tried to woo him many different ways. We used to have really nice sex and it was fun and deeply satisfying.

But I just feel like I am doing all the hard work and he is quite happy with bumbling along in a sexless marriage where I organise all the childcare and he gets to do DIY and gardening.

@YourAquaLion I have also done the calculations as it were. My youngest will leave home in two years or so that is decision time for me. Stay or go. Finances will not be a concern luckily. Do I stay with someone who say he loves me but leaves so many needs unmet or take a leap into the unknown?

Thanks for this. Yes, I'm saying he's kind etc but I do look at some things in our relationship and I just can't understand why he doesn't seem at all bothered about me being so upset about our lack of intimacy that I'm literally telling him that I think one way to solve this would be for us to have an open relationship. It's almost like nothing will ever change unless I do something drastic.

I just want him to really love me, and he says he does, and that this has nothing to do with it, so why am I still so upset about it if it doesn't matter? Because it matters to me - and I'm slowly understanding that that is important. Just as the garden is good for his mental health, a partner who wants to be intimate with me (I don't just mean sex, I'm not a maniac, I mean just lying together kissing and cuddling and talking too) is essential for my mental health.

This kind of all comes to a head when I have a bad episode of pre-period anger, so I do have to ride it out in some senses, but it's still all true for me!

It is comforting to know there are others out there like me - even though I am sorry you are also going through the same :( Two years left sounds like a good time to leap off into the unknown! If we didn't have a kid I'd have already done the same by now. Maybe that answers my question........... but then if we didn't have a kid, the pressures and problems would probably be very different or at least easier? Personally I would leap! I wonder what you will decide - excited for you x

He's very selfish.

Only does the things he wants to.
Didn't parent his child, didn't support you, blames you for everything.

He's really not as great as you think he is

Thanks! I'm defo not a lovely mum, I find motherhood very difficult but I love my son very much and want the best for him. But I also know that to an extent, he has to see me happy also.