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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to explain to husband

59 replies

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 19:25

How can I get him to understand? I have two issues and I just feel like we spiral back them over and over.

Issue one is how much he does compared to how much I do. Age old problem. We both work full time. I do lots, he does little. Have tried explaining , writing it down, yelling, issuing ultimatums. It makes no difference. He cares not if the kids get to school on time or have a decent lunch or have a dinner they will eat or the house is clean or clothes washed. He does small tasks when instructed and then nagged.

Issue two is how he is with our teenager. Tonight she is going to a party. I asked him to take her and collect her as I always do it. He says he doesn't want to as he can't drink (he drinks daily) but gives in. She says she is ready and can they go via sainsburys. He says no, co op. They argue. It makes no odds which shop they go to. She gets upset. It is all so pointless.

Basically my husband is lazy and selfish and I need him to understand this. How can I make him get it?

OP posts:
Wherethewildthings · 11/10/2025 19:33

By leaving him.

Original poster
MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 19:35

It isn't that easy. Finances would be a struggle. I couldn't manage the childcare I need to do my job. My younger daughter would be devastated. We have been married 16 years and together 25. We made promises. I don't want to leave him, but I do want to explain why he is hurting our relationship.

OP posts:
Wherethewildthings · 11/10/2025 19:36

You have explained. He doesn't care. That is the long and short of it. He doesn't care enough about any of you to pull his weight.

Littlemrsconfetti · 11/10/2025 19:38

Wherethewildthings · 11/10/2025 19:33

By leaving him.

This, the end.

UnlimitedBacon · 11/10/2025 19:39

The only person you can change is you. He doesn’t respect you or your time. If you don’t want to split, then you need to implement strong boundaries. Don’t do any laundry that includes his clothes. Do nothing that involves you picking up his slack. Choose your battles, but make it clear to him that he is excluded from your mental load for as much of it as you can muster (I understand you can’t leave dishes to pile up etc as that’s counter productive). But - set boundaries. Act as if you are a single parent. Do not include him in day to day decision making or plans. Don’t sort gifts for his family.

I know all that sounds tedious and petty but essentially he sounds like a juvenile flat-mate so that’s how I’d treat him.

alternatively you can make life MUCH easier for yourself by not putting up with any more of this bollocks by telling him you want a divorce.

Makingpeace · 11/10/2025 19:40

Were your ultimatums a word salad or did you actually follow through?

olderbutwiser · 11/10/2025 19:40

He doesn’t care. He’s not deaf, he can hear you, you have explained. He has decided that what you think and what you want doesn’t matter. You either carry on living like this, or you leave him. Your choice.

Littlemrsconfetti · 11/10/2025 19:40

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 19:35

It isn't that easy. Finances would be a struggle. I couldn't manage the childcare I need to do my job. My younger daughter would be devastated. We have been married 16 years and together 25. We made promises. I don't want to leave him, but I do want to explain why he is hurting our relationship.

Unfortunately you need to prioritise your own happiness. As a mother I'm me before being a mother.

You are doing it all anyway. This is a poor example for your DD. You have tried and you can't force people OP.

You could claim UC with childcare costs and claim child maintenance.

Makingpeace · 11/10/2025 19:41

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 19:35

It isn't that easy. Finances would be a struggle. I couldn't manage the childcare I need to do my job. My younger daughter would be devastated. We have been married 16 years and together 25. We made promises. I don't want to leave him, but I do want to explain why he is hurting our relationship.

Half the childcare. He'd be responsible for the other half. It's not all on you.

Makingpeace · 11/10/2025 19:43

olderbutwiser · 11/10/2025 19:40

He doesn’t care. He’s not deaf, he can hear you, you have explained. He has decided that what you think and what you want doesn’t matter. You either carry on living like this, or you leave him. Your choice.

Or just stop doing things for him.

And when he asks where his clean pants are (e.g.), you say "I don't know if you washed your pants." Then you're not asking him to do the washing, you're not nagging, but you are expecting that he does some things.

BettyBobble · 11/10/2025 19:49

I'd be cooking and doing laundry for me and the kids only. He's selfish and lazy. Drop doing anything that benefits him

LetGoLetThem1234 · 11/10/2025 19:49

It's not that he doesn't see/know that his behaviour and attitude is detrimental to your relationship and the relationship he has with his children. Deep down your husband truly believes his feelings are way more more important than what you or his own kids might want/need.

Compromise is what you do. He believes he's at the centre of your marriage and you have to shape yourself around what he wants.

You want to stay married, then you'll need to find a work around this attitude of his.

Unfortunately over time your love for him will turn into resentment. Guaranteed.

Please don't fall into the sunk costs fallacy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2025 19:53

He won’t change because he neither wants to nor has to. Ultimatums are pointless if you don’t follow through. You say you won’t leave him so just stop expecting anything from him, then you won’t be disappointed. But beware your daughters are watching you drive yourself into the ground while he can’t be arsed to do an equal share and that’s their model for relationships.

Wrenjay · 11/10/2025 19:55

Is he drinking alcohol every night? If so he could/is an alcoholic and that is why he doesn't accept any responsibility as alcohol is his priority.

whimsicallyprickly · 11/10/2025 19:57

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 19:35

It isn't that easy. Finances would be a struggle. I couldn't manage the childcare I need to do my job. My younger daughter would be devastated. We have been married 16 years and together 25. We made promises. I don't want to leave him, but I do want to explain why he is hurting our relationship.

He doesn't CARE that he's hurting you, your daughters, the relationship

He couldn't give a fuck

He wants to do as little as he can to empower himself to live the life he wants to live

He will never ever change

You are enabling him to be the person he is and your daughters are watching you normalise an abuser

SeaAndStars · 11/10/2025 19:58

He's a drunk who is horrible to you and horrible to your daughter.

You would really be better off without this dead weight.

If you really want to stay then I would start doing nothing for him at all. No cooking, washing, shopping. Let him find out how hard his life can be without you looking after him as though he was a child. Let him find out just how hard his life would be if you left him.

Garamousalata · 11/10/2025 20:01

I don’t know how to help you. You know him best and you’ve tried. Would he go for counselling?

pictoosh · 11/10/2025 20:02

He understands, he just doesn't care. Serving himself takes priority.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/10/2025 20:04

Well I would start by doing nothing for him. The only way you will get through to him is by making his life a lot harder.

He wont cook for anyone else? No one else cooks for him.

He wont do any washing? Then no one else does his washing.

Wont wash up? You wash your stuff up and leave his piled up. This may mean you have to hide enough plates mugs etc for you and the kids but if it has got this bad then thats what you will have to do.

Be as lazy regarding him as he is to you.

Make it clear that it will stay that way until he starts pulling his weight and SEE IT THROUGH. I suspect that your ultimatums in the past havent actually happened.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/10/2025 20:04

There is no magical combination of words or threats you can say that will make a difference because he just doesn't care op. He knows he doesn't do as much as you, he doesn't care. He knows he upsets the kids... he doesn't care.
This man is inherently selfish and self serving, if you don't leave ( you really should ) then stop doing anything that benefits him, no cooking him dinner, nonstop for him, don't wash his clothes, nothing.

Original poster
MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 20:06

Well i have just read him all the responses on this thread and he has gone quiet and walked away.
He isn't an alcoholic and I think abuser is a bit strong but the rest I take. Thank you.

OP posts:
Gruffporcupine · 11/10/2025 20:07

Do literally nothing for him. He can cook his own meals and wash his own clothing. Only do things for your children. If he queries this you can explain he doesn't do anything for you or the family, so you won't be doing anything for him going forward. This will change if he changes.

DysmalRadius · 11/10/2025 20:13

Two questions you could ask him that might help him understand what you're talking about:

'If the kids had two parents like you what would their lives be like compared to having two parents like me?'

'If someone observed how you spend your time for a day, what would they say your priorities are?'

If he's at all capable of introspection, being honest with himself, and putting his children first, it might help.

Intsywintsyspider · 11/10/2025 20:14

My DH & I fell into this trap where he “couldn’t hear” me when I pointed out the inequality or he argued back with all the things he was doing.

I researched and wrote a spreadsheet of every job in the house, from booking flights for holidays to putting the bins out. I put the pro rata weekly time next to it. I waited until we were on our next flight (captive audience) and presented it to him. He couldn’t escape and couldn’t argue with the facts. Things changed after. Not so much that they were 50/50 but they were a lot fairer.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 11/10/2025 20:14

I think the question he needs to answer is “why”.
“Why don’t you care about these things?”
“Why don’t you care that this bothers me and your children because you’re not stupid, you understand what I am saying and I now need to understand why it doesn’t matter to you”