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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to explain to husband

59 replies

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 19:25

How can I get him to understand? I have two issues and I just feel like we spiral back them over and over.

Issue one is how much he does compared to how much I do. Age old problem. We both work full time. I do lots, he does little. Have tried explaining , writing it down, yelling, issuing ultimatums. It makes no difference. He cares not if the kids get to school on time or have a decent lunch or have a dinner they will eat or the house is clean or clothes washed. He does small tasks when instructed and then nagged.

Issue two is how he is with our teenager. Tonight she is going to a party. I asked him to take her and collect her as I always do it. He says he doesn't want to as he can't drink (he drinks daily) but gives in. She says she is ready and can they go via sainsburys. He says no, co op. They argue. It makes no odds which shop they go to. She gets upset. It is all so pointless.

Basically my husband is lazy and selfish and I need him to understand this. How can I make him get it?

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 12/10/2025 07:03

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 20:06

Well i have just read him all the responses on this thread and he has gone quiet and walked away.
He isn't an alcoholic and I think abuser is a bit strong but the rest I take. Thank you.

OK, so there is something that doesn't make any sense here.
"He drinks everyday" "He's not an alcoholic".
Both can't be true. And I love myself a drink so I'm not anti drinking but I know that if I would be drinking every day then I would have a problem.
Is he depressed? I am not trying to excuse him but a parent who drinks every day and doesn't care if their children gets in time to school or gets fed properly is either depressed or a selfish lowlife. If the former tell him to see his gp. If the latter- ltb
Not only for you but for the children who feels his disinterest every day. You are modelling what a relationship should be like to your children - do you want your dds to wind up in the same type if relationship as yours or do you want to teach them that it's good to have self respect and boundaries?

DeepTurtle · 12/10/2025 07:08

Has the husband got your login and written that second back peddling update?

Tubestrike · 12/10/2025 07:09

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 22:52

Just wrote a long post and it went missing!

Being totally fair, he cooks and shops. He believes I pander to the children around food and thinks they should eat what is put in front of them. He is likely right. I do have an issue with giving into them too much. He does far more than I do of school pick up and drop off- due to my job, which is a big one, I am around less. My younger daughter, who is still quite little, would be devastated not to have him around- why shouldn't I say that? They spend lots of time together and she loves him very much.

I wouldn't be entitled to any financial support, I am by far the higher earner but we live in an expensive place.

He doesn't ask me where his pants are or to buy gifts for his family. He doesn't expect me to do things for him, he is fine with that, it is more that he doesn't see he has to do things for us. He thinks I do a lot of things for the kids that they should do for themselves. I don't chase after him.

I agree with the poster who said he thinks he is more important than everyone else. Thank you also to those that suggested questions to ask, they have made our conversation far more constructive than the yelling matches we have had before (well me yelling and him not replying).

He does not drink to excess, ever. He has one or two beers. We have agreed to both have a look at our alcohol intake, which, to be honest is normal in our social circle, but obviously not normal for everyone else.

He is not affecting my children's friendships or ruining their lives. He just isn't. They have good lives. I appreciate he isnt setting the best example and we have discussed that.

We have agreed to work on communicating, alcohol and a fair list of chores.

Thank you for your input. I know mumsnet wants people to LTB but we are not at that point yet

That's almost the polar opposite of your opening post.

arcticpandas · 12/10/2025 07:09

Wherethewildthings · 12/10/2025 06:48

You've described two totally different men. In the first, it's a very selfish individual who doesn't care about meeting basic welfare standards for his kids. In the second, he pulls his weight, picks up the slack from you not being around due to work, has a perfectly healthy alcohol intake and is trying to raise well balanced kids while you try and spoil them. I think you both need to do some reflecting.

This. I'm all for raising independant kids but they need age appropriate support.

And does he really not care whether they make it to school in time or is it your perception?

So he does feed them and ge thinks they should eat what they are served?

So he us the one giving the children boundaries while you are spoiling them rotten?

Why didn't you put all this in your OP instead of wasting our time trying to be helpful?

pictoosh · 12/10/2025 07:52

Tubestrike · 12/10/2025 07:09

That's almost the polar opposite of your opening post.

Show quote history

It's not really.

When someone writes a post on here complaining/seeking advice they will be focusing on the negatives and their feelings of frustration, upset and anger in the moment of writing.
It is extremely rare that we get the full picture of a scenario, if ever.

Posters here might insist that he's an alcoholic abuser based on the opening post and their own knowledge and/or experience...but that's not sewing it all up, not by a long chalk. The OP disagrees and she would know...having all the inside information that the rest of us are missing...like actually knowing the man.

Mumsnetters are sometimes offended when their wisdom and judgement is dismissed...but they shouldn't be. OPs are allowed to say no, that's not right.

pictoosh · 12/10/2025 07:54

"Why didn't you put all this in your OP instead of wasting our time trying to be helpful?"

Your choice to contribute.

Zempy · 12/10/2025 08:33

Well yes, you have completely contradicted yourself.

Why do you think you wouldn’t be entitled to financial support? He has no interest in his children and appears to resent their existence (according to OP) so he’s hardly going to opt for 50/50. Would he bother seeing them at all, given they’re such an inconvenience to a Terribly Important Man like him? Your income would be irrelevant.

highdaysandholudays · 12/10/2025 09:10

MyCousinDaphne · 11/10/2025 22:52

Just wrote a long post and it went missing!

Being totally fair, he cooks and shops. He believes I pander to the children around food and thinks they should eat what is put in front of them. He is likely right. I do have an issue with giving into them too much. He does far more than I do of school pick up and drop off- due to my job, which is a big one, I am around less. My younger daughter, who is still quite little, would be devastated not to have him around- why shouldn't I say that? They spend lots of time together and she loves him very much.

I wouldn't be entitled to any financial support, I am by far the higher earner but we live in an expensive place.

He doesn't ask me where his pants are or to buy gifts for his family. He doesn't expect me to do things for him, he is fine with that, it is more that he doesn't see he has to do things for us. He thinks I do a lot of things for the kids that they should do for themselves. I don't chase after him.

I agree with the poster who said he thinks he is more important than everyone else. Thank you also to those that suggested questions to ask, they have made our conversation far more constructive than the yelling matches we have had before (well me yelling and him not replying).

He does not drink to excess, ever. He has one or two beers. We have agreed to both have a look at our alcohol intake, which, to be honest is normal in our social circle, but obviously not normal for everyone else.

He is not affecting my children's friendships or ruining their lives. He just isn't. They have good lives. I appreciate he isnt setting the best example and we have discussed that.

We have agreed to work on communicating, alcohol and a fair list of chores.

Thank you for your input. I know mumsnet wants people to LTB but we are not at that point yet

No one wants anyone to LTB. Actually following through with that and I speak from experience is a long lonely difficult road but it’s often better than staying. And that’s what you described in your first post. And then read it out to him. I get heartily sick of that as a response to those of us who had to do it for our own well-being.

ChristmasFluff · 12/10/2025 09:18

I think it is very hard for many OPs to accept that the main reason they stay is financial and down to their own fear. So they pull out the 'he's a wonderful man because he does the bare minimum' card.

No adult should ever have to explain decent human behaviour to another adult. This is not a communication issue. The OP's husband knows exactly how he could be a better husband and father, but he doesn't want to do it.

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