How to explain to husband

[MyCousinDaphne]

How can I get him to understand? I have two issues and I just feel like we spiral back them over and over.

Issue one is how much he does compared to how much I do. Age old problem. We both work full time. I do lots, he does little. Have tried explaining , writing it down, yelling, issuing ultimatums. It makes no difference. He cares not if the kids get to school on time or have a decent lunch or have a dinner they will eat or the house is clean or clothes washed. He does small tasks when instructed and then nagged.

Issue two is how he is with our teenager. Tonight she is going to a party. I asked him to take her and collect her as I always do it. He says he doesn't want to as he can't drink (he drinks daily) but gives in. She says she is ready and can they go via sainsburys. He says no, co op. They argue. It makes no odds which shop they go to. She gets upset. It is all so pointless.

Basically my husband is lazy and selfish and I need him to understand this. How can I make him get it?

You explain, he doesn't listen or care, what more can you do? And if he drinks every day then he has a drink problem and is alcohol dependant. Tomatos, tomatoes, same thing. Sorry

There is absolutely no advice anyone can give you on here that will change your husband’s behaviour. He will never change. Actions speak louder than words. I think it’s the truest statement I’ve ever heard.

You will remain his servant for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Your children will likely mirror their relationships on the blueprint they’ve grown up with. Sorry to be so blunt but it’s true.

No-one wants to go through a divorce and no-one thinks they can afford it. I’m incredibly glad that I left my selfish and abusive ex-husband. The first two years post split were awful (because he did everything he could to make my life hell until I completely cut absolutely every form of contact with him) but my life is soooooo much better without him in it seven years down the line.

You deserve better too. But you need to stop kidding yourself that have any control over his behaviour because you don’t.

He knows. He understands. The only way to make him change is to be serious about leaving. In my case this made him change, because he could see how me leaving would impact him.

Problem is, even though he has now changed, I still resent him because I can clearly see that he’s only changed because he didn’t want me to leave. Not because he wants to do the things, or because he thinks he should do the things, but because he can see that doing the things is the only way to keep me doing all the other things …..

Respectfully, should your daughter choose to marry a man like your husband, I would guess you'd say their husband was abusing them......emotional manipulation is abuse

Is stop speaking to him unless he asks you a question and then just answer as short as possible.

Do not do anything for him. Don’t cook for him. Do not wash his clothes. Do not do anything for him.

Then look at a way for you to live without him.
Don’t let your children grow up thinking that it’s ok to let men treat you like shit.

After 20 years, he isn't going to change OP.

You can leave or you can stay. That's all there is.

He doesn't respect you enough to care sadly. You won't leave so it is either therapy, stop doing any tasks for him or suck it up.

You're not going to change him so just accept he's never going to be that man. Or do the other thing. You could try just doing less for him so he has to do more but basically you chose him.

He doesn’t respect you and if he claims he loves you he’s got a funny idea of what love is. Come to think of it, so do you if you still love him.

He won’t change. So you either leave and make it work on your own like anyone else does, or you waste the next 40+ years of your life with this pointless man.

He understands perfectly.

Why do you think he doesn’t?

He simply doesn’t give a shit.

The fact that you’ve raised this with him and he hasn’t changed speaks volumes. My husband and I are not perfect by any means but I have had issues with things in the past and once they were pointed out he was devastated that he never realised the imbalance or how much I was struggling. Yours doesn’t care. I’m not one to say LTB flippantly but I will say is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your children? If not you should make some changes.

He might not be an alcoholic but I can guarantee that daily drinking will be affecting his sleep, his mood and his ability to deal with every day life. How much does he drink?

Op it sounds like functioning alcoholism if he's drinking every day and doesn't want to do lifts for his dd because he'd rather stay in the house and drink even if it's just a couple.

I agree with what others have said. You need to make a clear list, divide household tasks and delegate them fairly. Then either he does his part, or he outsources and pays for it from his own pocket- not family money.

Either that or you stop picking up after him completely and let him sort himself out. Tbh right now there's not much motivating him- it suits him to have you chase after him which is why he's not changing. He does know because you've already told him. This is a choice he's making. Obviously you don't want to leave and I'm sure there's good parts to him as well. But at some point you can only control your reaction to what others are doing.

@MyCousinDaphne 'I do want to explain why he is hurting our relationship'

He knows. He doesn't care. He doesn't love you.

I'm sorry for being harsh. But it's true. Because otherwise he'd change.

If he drinks alcohol daily and won't drive his kid somewhere so he can drink, he's got a serious alcohol abuse problem. You're in denial about that. His primary relationship is with alcohol. That's why he doesn't care if the kids are in school or fed or how the house is. And if you have a husband who doesn't care whether his kids are hungry or go to school, you've got a waste of space for a husband.

You've modeled this for your kids. You're already a single parent. May as well make it official.

I hope you leave him OP. He doesn’t care about you or your Dc and you’re both setting a bad example of relationships for them by carrying on with this charade

What do you think your dc are learning about relationships here?. Did you see similar when you were growing up?.

What is your definition of an alcoholic then if not your husband?.

Staying with him because of the kids and finances does you and your dc no favours at all. He understands perfectly well what you are saying but he is indifferent to you and in turn his children.

You will continue to carry the mental load and you are alone in your marriage. You have a choice re this man and they do not. This is not the legacy you should be leaving your children. I also doubt very much either dc would infact be devastated if you were to leave him and why use that word anyway?.

He doesn't listen, and never has.

Personally I'd leave him... or shut up and let him carry on.

I don’t think you are this family, but he sounds just like my DDs friend’s dad… it is ruining her friendships. He can’t be arsed with his family either and the one suffering the most is their DD.

Your DH is selfish and lazy and couldn’t give a shit about the impact of his behaviour on you or your DD. He sounds vile.

Drinking everyday? Yes that is a problem and yet one you gloss over

I had one like this. Had. Past tense

Just wrote a long post and it went missing!

Being totally fair, he cooks and shops. He believes I pander to the children around food and thinks they should eat what is put in front of them. He is likely right. I do have an issue with giving into them too much. He does far more than I do of school pick up and drop off- due to my job, which is a big one, I am around less. My younger daughter, who is still quite little, would be devastated not to have him around- why shouldn't I say that? They spend lots of time together and she loves him very much.

I wouldn't be entitled to any financial support, I am by far the higher earner but we live in an expensive place.

He doesn't ask me where his pants are or to buy gifts for his family. He doesn't expect me to do things for him, he is fine with that, it is more that he doesn't see he has to do things for us. He thinks I do a lot of things for the kids that they should do for themselves. I don't chase after him.

I agree with the poster who said he thinks he is more important than everyone else. Thank you also to those that suggested questions to ask, they have made our conversation far more constructive than the yelling matches we have had before (well me yelling and him not replying).

He does not drink to excess, ever. He has one or two beers. We have agreed to both have a look at our alcohol intake, which, to be honest is normal in our social circle, but obviously not normal for everyone else.

He is not affecting my children's friendships or ruining their lives. He just isn't. They have good lives. I appreciate he isnt setting the best example and we have discussed that.

We have agreed to work on communicating, alcohol and a fair list of chores.

Thank you for your input. I know mumsnet wants people to LTB but we are not at that point yet

They spend lots of time together and she loves him very much.

You just said he doesn't care if his kids go hungry or not or go to school or live in filth or go around dirty. He won't drive his older daughter.

You're really in denial if that's true.

Your most recent post describes a very different person to your first post.

For example does he drive the children to school or not care how they get there on time.

Only you know which is more accurate.

You've described two totally different men. In the first, it's a very selfish individual who doesn't care about meeting basic welfare standards for his kids. In the second, he pulls his weight, picks up the slack from you not being around due to work, has a perfectly healthy alcohol intake and is trying to raise well balanced kids while you try and spoil them. I think you both need to do some reflecting.