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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I settling for bare minimum?

65 replies

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 19:46

Hi

my friends have told me that the man I am currently with is not the one and that I need to get rid asap but my heart is telling me otherwise.

the bar is currently very low I must say, even I’m suprised that I’ve stuck around. He makes no effort to plan date nights, everything is last minute, I constantly fit in around his life rather than him making time for me. Yet it’s the other way around for me.

we had a date night planned a month in advance, was meant to be tomorrow and he still hasn’t planned anything. Only decided he’d pull his finger out when I said that I’m disappointed with the lack of effort. Has left it so late he can’t find anywhere to go.

we also had a date in the diary for a long weekend away, it was put in nearly 4 months ago and a couple of weeks ahead he’s saying he is going to do a car racing experience, so our romantic getaway has been cancelled.

he’s admitted to chatting up other women on holiday as he wasnt clear on boundaries due to being single for his entire adult life. He is 33.

im extremely low down on the priority list for him. All of my concerns have been voiced and he’s meant to be making more effort, but so far, I can’t see anything progressing or changing. Feel like it’s become hard work and unenjoyable, however, when we are together we have such a laugh.

if my friends told me this, I’d say get rid right this second. But my heart really does feel strongly for him.

am I mad to continue with this? Or do I just have really high expectations.

OP posts:
Roaringlions · 10/10/2025 19:47

You are mad.
Listen to your friends and get rid.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 10/10/2025 19:49

On the plus side if you do stay with him you'll have lots of topics for AIBU over the years.

thatwilldonicelythankyouverymuch · 10/10/2025 19:50

Who do you love more: you or him?

poetrybreak · 10/10/2025 19:53

I second you are mad.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/10/2025 19:55

Definitely you are mad to consider continuing to see this loser.

Daisydoggs · 10/10/2025 19:56

You deserve better… leave..

rockettomarsbar · 10/10/2025 19:57

Your friends are right. Maybe watch some Matthew Hussey on YouTube. You deserve better than this guy.

Fiftyandme · 10/10/2025 19:59

Leavd him. This will only get worse.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/10/2025 20:04

It is always always always better to be single than in a crap relationship with a crap man.

Roaminginthegloaming · 10/10/2025 20:05

@Loulou94xxx

Sorry to say this but he’s just not that into you :(

You can buy the paperback book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Truccillo (on Amazon) and I believe there is a film with the same name available to rent on Amazon Prine.

You might learn something valuable for future relationships. No point in wasting your time with this loser. Good luck!

CalzoneOnLegs · 10/10/2025 20:07

‘Romantic getaway’
OP have you been reading too many of those ‘chick lit’ books? the ones with pastel coloured covers with shoes and poodles on diamanté leads and cocktail glasses.
But…..this is real life and he is an utter douchebag

TwistedWonder · 10/10/2025 20:08

High expectations??? You can’t be serious. Honestly your bar is so low it’s subterranean

Why are you wasting your life on a useless low effort bloke who doesn’t see you as a priority?

Find your self respect and walk. And then get therapy to work out why you settled for a few crumbs

Nosdacariad · 10/10/2025 20:08

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 19:46

Hi

my friends have told me that the man I am currently with is not the one and that I need to get rid asap but my heart is telling me otherwise.

the bar is currently very low I must say, even I’m suprised that I’ve stuck around. He makes no effort to plan date nights, everything is last minute, I constantly fit in around his life rather than him making time for me. Yet it’s the other way around for me.

we had a date night planned a month in advance, was meant to be tomorrow and he still hasn’t planned anything. Only decided he’d pull his finger out when I said that I’m disappointed with the lack of effort. Has left it so late he can’t find anywhere to go.

we also had a date in the diary for a long weekend away, it was put in nearly 4 months ago and a couple of weeks ahead he’s saying he is going to do a car racing experience, so our romantic getaway has been cancelled.

he’s admitted to chatting up other women on holiday as he wasnt clear on boundaries due to being single for his entire adult life. He is 33.

im extremely low down on the priority list for him. All of my concerns have been voiced and he’s meant to be making more effort, but so far, I can’t see anything progressing or changing. Feel like it’s become hard work and unenjoyable, however, when we are together we have such a laugh.

if my friends told me this, I’d say get rid right this second. But my heart really does feel strongly for him.

am I mad to continue with this? Or do I just have really high expectations.

He wasn't clear on boundaries due to being single?!

FrauPaige · 10/10/2025 20:12

His friends must be very envious of him - how to get a girl hooked by putting in zero effort whatsoever

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 20:18

Bare minimum? He's not even scraping the bottom of the bare minimum barrel.

This man is taking the absolute piss. Listen to your friends and dump the useless git.

lovenotwar149 · 10/10/2025 20:19

When someone shows you what they are like - BELIEVE them!

But if you stay I would start putting down FIRM boundaries with consequences if he violates them.
Call him out when he doesnt stick to a plan. Get your own life going too , hobbies etc so he can see a woman who is comfortable and able to be happy without him too. And BE HAPPY without him too, genuinely. What do u enjoy doing? Do more of that! a lot of women , me too but I have changed this, put sooo much energy into the relationship. Put some effort in but match him too.He needs to be concerned when the 2 of you are not having quality time together too. Good luck! Relationships are a challenge aren't they!

lovenotwar149 · 10/10/2025 20:20

Sadly this is such a common complaint from women. So I guess that would indicate we (women) need to change something too!

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 20:24

lovenotwar149 · 10/10/2025 20:20

Sadly this is such a common complaint from women. So I guess that would indicate we (women) need to change something too!

Speak for yourself. I'd never have tolerated this kind of shit.

Subwaystop · 10/10/2025 20:30

Can you unpack why you hold on when you know better?

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 20:57

Thanks all for your replies.

@Subwaystop - I’m really not sure. Didn’t have the best relationship with my dad growing up and friend have mentioned that this can cause complications with men. Just seem to always go for emotionally unavailable men. Probably is worse digging deeper.

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 10/10/2025 21:05

This sounds more like FWB territory than a relationship, which is absolutely fine if that's what you want ?
If you are looking for a relationship/marriage/children then it doesn't sound as though he is mentally there yet, not by a long shot, and when he is, you might find you don't fit his criteria, so I would cut my losses. If you are happy with a bit of fun when it suits him then carry on.

JudgeBread · 10/10/2025 21:07

Your appallingly bad self esteem is what's making you think this complete waste of carbon is worth another minute of your time, not your heart.

CaffeinatedSeagull · 10/10/2025 21:13

How long have you been together? If you were starting to plan a weekend away over 4 months ago then you should have had time to fully get to know his character.

Have you met his friends? Do they treat their partners the same?

If a man tells you he was flirting with others it’s generally a sign that he’s not that committed to you, and his actions re: cancelling dates backs this up.

You can do and deserve better.

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 21:33

@CaffeinatedSeagull Been together around 6
months. He is a lovely guy, he’s just clueless and completely selfish.

I have met his friends. All married with children and been with their partners years. All very happy and respectful towards their partners. Have all said to me that they’re glad I’ve stuck around as he likes me a lot and think I’m good for him. Have all told him that he has someone good and not to f it up, and have said he needs to fix up. Just goes in one ear and out the other.

OP posts:
Zucker · 10/10/2025 21:45

You can't fix him. This is as good as he gets. Can you live like this for the next 30years?

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