Am I settling for bare minimum?

[Loulou94xxx]

Hi

my friends have told me that the man I am currently with is not the one and that I need to get rid asap but my heart is telling me otherwise.

the bar is currently very low I must say, even I’m suprised that I’ve stuck around. He makes no effort to plan date nights, everything is last minute, I constantly fit in around his life rather than him making time for me. Yet it’s the other way around for me.

we had a date night planned a month in advance, was meant to be tomorrow and he still hasn’t planned anything. Only decided he’d pull his finger out when I said that I’m disappointed with the lack of effort. Has left it so late he can’t find anywhere to go.

we also had a date in the diary for a long weekend away, it was put in nearly 4 months ago and a couple of weeks ahead he’s saying he is going to do a car racing experience, so our romantic getaway has been cancelled.

he’s admitted to chatting up other women on holiday as he wasnt clear on boundaries due to being single for his entire adult life. He is 33.

im extremely low down on the priority list for him. All of my concerns have been voiced and he’s meant to be making more effort, but so far, I can’t see anything progressing or changing. Feel like it’s become hard work and unenjoyable, however, when we are together we have such a laugh.

if my friends told me this, I’d say get rid right this second. But my heart really does feel strongly for him.

am I mad to continue with this? Or do I just have really high expectations.

Yes. You are mad. HTH.

Seriously though. Google sunk cost fallacy. Work on your self esteem.

And definitely bin him. It sounds like he would barely notice.

You seem to have good friends. Is it worth risking losing your friendship because of this loser man?

Actions OP. Always go on actions not words.

FFS, ditch him as he’s a loser and doesn’t give a shit about you and this isn’t going to change. Get some standards.

He doesn’t seem to actually like you OP. It doesn’t matter that he is a lovely man and his friends like you. Someone who liked you would not treat you this way

Dump him. Then take that into account when dating again. Someone who actually likes you should be the bare minimum.

You can't possibly have any doubt. God only knows why you need us to decide for you.

Is this what you want your life to be like?

Listen to your friends. For the love of god listen to your friends and know your worth.

You're trauma bonded to him. He causes heightened emotions as you're chasing his love like an addict chases the hit.

He's just keeping you around until he founds your replacement. The more you stick around the more his contempt for you grows because he thinks you're pathetic (because, respectfully, as someone who has done this myself, you are being pathetic)

He won't thank you for it, he'll just become more and more hateful towards you because, again, you are a pathetic mess in his eyes and you very likely disgust him. Does that come out in the way he treats you?

The feelings are just what I say in my first sentence, they aren't 'love' or anything more than trauma caused by him and by this dynamic.

Whether it's now or 10 years down the line when your childbearing years and looks are gone, when he does finally get rid of you you need to stay single while you work on your self-esteem. You need to find actions like these repulsive, not attractive.

You need to find the default of being single fun and freeing, not terrifying, because until you do you will settle for slop like this and before you know it you'll be sitting alone with nothing to live for with nothing but the same to look forward to for the rest of your life.

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to give you a wake up call.

Your heart yada yada, take the sex goggles off and back in the sea he goes.

part of me feels sorry for him, he’s had a lot of loss in his life

You have mistaken sympathy and compassion for love.

His friends might think you are good for him but he is not good for you. You matter too.

Listen to your friends.

You don't owe this man a relationship. You don't have to be the hero in the eyes of his friends. You don't have to fix him.

This.

You need to find the money for therapy somewhere, OP.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks thansk for all your advice the other day. I did end it.

he said he’s realised what he needs to do and will make changes. It’s too little too late for me. However, I feel upset that I’ve helped someone to become a better man for the next girl that comes along.

He might be better for someone else. He probably won’t. The point is he was never going to be what you needed or deserved.

Get rid of him

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks thank you, so probably best not to dwell or even concern myself about the next person.

what a whirlwind… another one bites the dust lol.

Hope you are ok OP. Break ups are never easy. Be kind to yourself, get some cosy blankets and some comfort tv and a big bar of chocolate or whatever helps you right now. It does sound like you have a great set of friends who really look after you, hope they are helping you now.

you have said you can’t afford therapy but have you tried accessing any talking therapy via nhs? You deserve to shine. Sending hugs.