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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I settling for bare minimum?

65 replies

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 19:46

Hi

my friends have told me that the man I am currently with is not the one and that I need to get rid asap but my heart is telling me otherwise.

the bar is currently very low I must say, even I’m suprised that I’ve stuck around. He makes no effort to plan date nights, everything is last minute, I constantly fit in around his life rather than him making time for me. Yet it’s the other way around for me.

we had a date night planned a month in advance, was meant to be tomorrow and he still hasn’t planned anything. Only decided he’d pull his finger out when I said that I’m disappointed with the lack of effort. Has left it so late he can’t find anywhere to go.

we also had a date in the diary for a long weekend away, it was put in nearly 4 months ago and a couple of weeks ahead he’s saying he is going to do a car racing experience, so our romantic getaway has been cancelled.

he’s admitted to chatting up other women on holiday as he wasnt clear on boundaries due to being single for his entire adult life. He is 33.

im extremely low down on the priority list for him. All of my concerns have been voiced and he’s meant to be making more effort, but so far, I can’t see anything progressing or changing. Feel like it’s become hard work and unenjoyable, however, when we are together we have such a laugh.

if my friends told me this, I’d say get rid right this second. But my heart really does feel strongly for him.

am I mad to continue with this? Or do I just have really high expectations.

OP posts:
DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/10/2025 21:46

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 21:33

@CaffeinatedSeagull Been together around 6
months. He is a lovely guy, he’s just clueless and completely selfish.

I have met his friends. All married with children and been with their partners years. All very happy and respectful towards their partners. Have all said to me that they’re glad I’ve stuck around as he likes me a lot and think I’m good for him. Have all told him that he has someone good and not to f it up, and have said he needs to fix up. Just goes in one ear and out the other.

You’re looking at all his married with kids friends and thinking he’ll realise he wants that too, with you.

But they are saying those things to you because they know exactly what he’s like. He will not change. He might eventually be passive enough to marry and/or have kids with you, but he will always be an appallingly bad partner and he’ll never give you what you want, which is hopefully a healthy equal relationship with someone who actually likes you.

Remember, the friends of a man you’ve known for 6 months don’t give a hoot about your wellbeing.

Original poster
Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 21:49

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/10/2025 21:46

You’re looking at all his married with kids friends and thinking he’ll realise he wants that too, with you.

But they are saying those things to you because they know exactly what he’s like. He will not change. He might eventually be passive enough to marry and/or have kids with you, but he will always be an appallingly bad partner and he’ll never give you what you want, which is hopefully a healthy equal relationship with someone who actually likes you.

Remember, the friends of a man you’ve known for 6 months don’t give a hoot about your wellbeing.

Edited
Show quote history

This is an accurate description yes… I’m looking at the potential and not the true colours that he’s showing me.

OP posts:
DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 10/10/2025 21:57

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 21:49

This is an accurate description yes… I’m looking at the potential and not the true colours that he’s showing me.

Show quote history

There is no potential, sadly.

It’s maddening that women still think they can fix these pointless men and make themselves miserable trying.

Get out while you’ve still got some sense!

EarthSight · 10/10/2025 22:01

But my heart really does feel strongly for him

I think you could do with speaking with a therapist as to why this is. Do you honestly think he's that special, or is your self esteem that bad?

Hdpr · 10/10/2025 22:05

Sorry but he’s not that into you. And he’s hoping somebody better will come along. Get rid of him and find a man who deserves you. And maybe have therapy for your low self esteem. You sound lovely

Original poster
Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:16

@Hdpr Therapy is expensive and not something I can afford but I do agree I should probably look at my self esteem. I do hold myself in high regard normally and not one of put up with crap. I specifically left my LO’s father as he treated me poorly after I gave birth. But for some reason have stuck around for this one.

part of me feels sorry for him, he’s had a lot of loss in his life. But I suppose none of that is my problem really.

OP posts:
ThreePears · 10/10/2025 22:17

You are prostrating yourself on the floor like the proverbial doormat and scrabbling about for the crumbs he deigns to throw your way.

He is treating you like dirt and you are desperately craving his attention, any attention, so you are letting him do it.

Stop it.

Sorry for being so blunt. Flowers

rockettomarsbar · 10/10/2025 22:20

Pity and love are two separate things. I suspect the friends want you to stick around because they can see that you're nice. You sound caring. You deserve someone who cherishes you and values you and your time. This man is just not good enough, you can't fix him.

BCBird · 10/10/2025 22:25

You want more. U deserve more

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 22:27

It is not your job to try and mend him in the hope that you can turn him into the man you want.

Don't turn yourself inside out trying to be the woman who's going to be THE ONE to make him realise the error of his ways.

DorothyStorm · 10/10/2025 22:30

He is a lovely guy, … and completely selfish
stop wasting time on him.

Original poster
Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:30

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 22:27

It is not your job to try and mend him in the hope that you can turn him into the man you want.

Don't turn yourself inside out trying to be the woman who's going to be THE ONE to make him realise the error of his ways.

This is exactly what I’m doing and I’m exhausted and drained. My friends say I’ve lost my sparkle and my confidence has been completely knocked. It’s a shame.

OP posts:
ImmortalSnowman · 10/10/2025 22:37

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:30

This is exactly what I’m doing and I’m exhausted and drained. My friends say I’ve lost my sparkle and my confidence has been completely knocked. It’s a shame.

Show quote history

You have dramatically changed this much in 6 months and you are questioning staying with this man?

You don't have high expectations at all, you need to raise them as well as your standards.

He really isn't that into you as pps have said, men who want to be with a woman make time for them.

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 22:43

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:30

This is exactly what I’m doing and I’m exhausted and drained. My friends say I’ve lost my sparkle and my confidence has been completely knocked. It’s a shame.

Show quote history

Give yourself a stern talking-to. Why are you allowing him to make you feel so bad about yourself? His treatment of you is destroying your self-esteem.

Listen to your friends. They can see what he's done to you.

Dump him.

Original poster
Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:54

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 22:43

Give yourself a stern talking-to. Why are you allowing him to make you feel so bad about yourself? His treatment of you is destroying your self-esteem.

Listen to your friends. They can see what he's done to you.

Dump him.

Show quote history

I really don’t know. Maybe it’s the attraction side of things and the bedroom work… but my friends have clarified that I can find the same elsewhere.

you are right, I do need to dump and move on. He had messaged earlier with plans for tomorrow but I might meet my friends for some fun and drinks instead. Saves sitting at home crying over a man.

OP posts:
PrancingBean · 10/10/2025 23:00

This isn’t even bare minimum. It’s lower than that.

ThreePears · 10/10/2025 23:31

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:54

I really don’t know. Maybe it’s the attraction side of things and the bedroom work… but my friends have clarified that I can find the same elsewhere.

you are right, I do need to dump and move on. He had messaged earlier with plans for tomorrow but I might meet my friends for some fun and drinks instead. Saves sitting at home crying over a man.

Show quote history

Ah. So he turns up when he feels the need for some sex then, but he couldn't care less at any other time.

He's using you.

airportfloor · 11/10/2025 00:18

Don’t listen to your heart. It is not serving you well. This is no good for your soul even if the shag is good.

potential doesn’t exist at his age. He would be improving and he is not.

TwistedWonder · 11/10/2025 07:45

Loulou94xxx · 10/10/2025 22:54

I really don’t know. Maybe it’s the attraction side of things and the bedroom work… but my friends have clarified that I can find the same elsewhere.

you are right, I do need to dump and move on. He had messaged earlier with plans for tomorrow but I might meet my friends for some fun and drinks instead. Saves sitting at home crying over a man.

Show quote history

Unless you’re happy to be nothing more than FWB don’t settle for a low effort bloke just because he’s good looking and decent shag.

If you’re both comfortable with casual then it’s all ok but anything more then he’s not your man. .

Longnightsshortdays · 11/10/2025 08:13

he’s admitted to chatting up other women on holiday as he wasnt clear on boundaries due to being single for his entire adult life. He is 33

Well he's taking you for a fool OP.
If he's admitting to " chatting up" women that will only be part of the story. And he knows fine well that is breaking relationship boundaries.

It doesn't sound as though you are a priority in his life OP. And you deserve so much more than what this man is bringing to your relationship.

BellissimoGecko · 11/10/2025 08:14

You are mad. Why put up with so little? Prioritise yourself and dump him. You deserve better.

Catsknowbest · 11/10/2025 08:16

Get rid. Immediately. You can do way better.

whimsicallyprickly · 11/10/2025 08:17

Why does your heart tell you that you are so unworthy?

Dozer · 11/10/2025 08:22

Your friends who care about you think you’re making a mistake with this relationship. Your boyfriend’s friends are - essentially - telling you he’s useless and a poor boyfriend.

You have a DC to consider.

I don’t think you should date until you’ve improved your ability to sift out obvious losers. If you can’t afford paid help using free and low cost resources.

MeetMyCat · 11/10/2025 08:23

he’s admitted to chatting up other women on holiday as he wasnt clear on boundaries due to being single for his entire adult life. He is 33

I nearly spat my coffee out when I read that!