Finance disputes in pregnancy - help!

[Shop90]

Hi all. Just wanted some general advice and peoples thoughts please :)

I bought my own home in 2022 as a single woman. I met my partner and he moved in, we decided to split the bills and food (£500 a month each) but I didn’t charge him any rent.
He quite openly said anyway he would refuse to pay rent and move back in with his family if I was going to ask him for it.
However, i was never going to ask him for rent because he earns around about 40% less a month than me, and he wanted to save to put an investment in the house and come on board the mortgage at some point, which is something we are now in the process of finalising. I welcomed this and wanted to give him the opportunity to save as much as he could as my mortgage was financially quite draining since interest rates went up, and it made sense for our next stage in our relationship.

We are expecting our first baby in November and tonight we have had a disagreement regarding the finances surrounding what I deem our baby’s essentials.
We got some money from his family towards our travel system, and my family paid for our nursery furniture so we have managed to save quite abit of money with family being so generous. We split the rest of the cost of the travel system (around £400 each), and I have asked to halve a couple of shops I’ve done for baby essentials (crib, baby monitor, bulk buys of nappies/wipes etc) costing around £250 each.
I have paid for all the baby’s clothes plus more essentials, including my breastpump, baby’s carrier, baby books, toys, maternity clothes etc (costing in the region of about £650/700 to myself in total). He hasn’t bought anything for the baby himself without me ordering it and asking for some money (inclusive of the £250) Lots of things have been delivered for the baby and not once has he asked “did I help towards these things?”
I generally pay for afew more bits month to month for any extras for the house and routinely offer to pay for the occasional thing if he was running low on money that month.
Tonight I asked if he would be happy to pay half towards an Amazon shop for the last few bits of baby stuff (blankets, crib sheets, Moses basket sheets, white noise machine etc) which came to around £75-80 each. He said he wasn’t happy to be paying out £75 for more baby stuff when he had so many outgoings this month. He said “£75!!!!!! Each???!!??”
I don’t think he realises how much things cost for baby stuff but it’s not cheap.
I snapped and said “Well you shouldn’t have had a baby if you’re not prepared to contribute towards what they need” - which I realise now was pretty harsh.

But if I’m honest, I feel abit taken advantage of. Not even due to the money itself but more the expectation that it’s okay for me to pay for so much towards our baby without him offering or even saying thank you. He still doesn’t acknowledge or seem to understand how much I’ve actually spent solo on getting things.
I feel I have been very reasonable financially towards him since we met, whilst taking on extra burdens for myself ( I work 32hrs in one job, and have two self employed jobs on the side). I wanted him to feel financially stable and not panicked regarding his newly increased outgoings. I have offered to go back to one of my self employed jobs one day a week from when the baby is around 3-4months old to lessen the financial burden on us as my income is going to half on maternity leave.

Other than communication surrounding our baby’s finances though, our relationship is great. He is very loving and caring towards me, the bump and our dog. And generally day to day we don’t argue and have built a great team dynamic in every other aspect.

Question is:
Should I be worried regarding the lack of enthusiasm for wanting to pay towards his child’s essentials or extras? Or am I being unreasonable to expect him to pay for more stuff when he earns less than me when I knew that when we got together?

Im so tired and hormonal, and in very much need of some advice going forward as I don’t want it to be something that eventually comes between us.

Thank you :)

Oh, for goodness sake. I don’t know how to be diplomatic about this and you’re clearly in a vulnerable state, so I’m not sure how to proceed. Hopefully more gentle souls than me will be along shortly.

Read that post back to yourself in the interim. This is a cocklodger. Do not put him on your mortgage.

' he wanted to save to put an investment in the house and come on board the mortgage at some point, which is something we are now in the process of finalising.'

Why

Why are you allowing someone whom you are not married to invest in your house and have a joint mortgage with.

He's shown you who he is. Why are you giving him half your house?
Just stop. Don't sign away anything.
And please don't marry him.

He is not getting an equal share in my house, we have a tenants in common agreement. He has put in £20K, and we are splitting the mortgage payments 60/40. On a declaration of trust through the solicitor, I own 80K equity and he owns 20K equity, with any more equity over the years then being split 60/40. Over the whole mortgage term, I would own 65% to his 35%. I would never give half my assets to anyone when I have worked so hard to get where I am now.

Is he paying towards the mortgage now?

Yes he is now paying £500 to my £750

Okay, he seems financially motivated. How much is he paying you for carrying and raising his child?

My first semi helpful thought was ‘do you actually need him?’ (That came after cocklodger..)

Sorry OP, I hope you have a lovely rest of pregnancy and enjoy meeting your new baby / it’s a really lovely time

Wont be long before he "doesnt seem to see how much hard work a baby is" and "doesnt seem to see how much childcare costs" and "doesnt seem to see why I am too tired for sex" and "doesnt seem to see why I am pissed off that he is out with his mates every Friday" and "Doesnt seem to see why am utterly sick of him coming in at 4 am and sleeping all weekend" and "Doesnt seem to see why I am leaving him".

Put a stop now, a hard stop.

Jeez he is showing you how he is when his guard drops

Consider giving this child your surname too, not his.

He’s a twat. But why on earth are you buying a baby a white noise machine…. Don’t set yourself up for extra unnecessary grief.

Aside from the relationship issue on the baby front I wouldn't go crazy buying stuff - until baby is here you have no idea what they will like or need. What if you buy a load of newborn and they arrive already 0-3mth size. What if they detest the white noise machine. What if breastfeeding doesn't work out and you need to bottle feed. Get some bits in advance but no need to spend vast sums. So much baby stuff doesn't get used hence why there is so much on market place and eBay

Why are you having a baby’s it’s this person who quite clearly was already taking advantage of you? This site blows my mind on a daily basis!

as Pp have said, do not put this idiot on your mortgage that would be a ridiculous move!

Can you stop him buying into your house or is it too late now?

He's a stingy git and he won't change. What you do about that is up to you.

OP, I'm really sorry but this is giving so many red flags. Have a look at some posts where women are going into debt and getting very stressed during mat leave because their 'partner' isn't contributing enough. I'm pretty sure that's where you'll end up.

Additionally, men like this often don't value the hard work of raising a child and don't give mum enough support on mat leave. They expect to have a break when they come back from work, the house to be clean and dinner on the table. They'll let you have a shower without baby if you're lucky and maybe change a nappy under duress. It's not a happy or easy situation.

I don't want to scare you but he's giving enough red flags already that you need to think about these things and if possible talk with him about both of your expectations for what life, including work, money, housework want free time/ hobbies looks like once baby is born.

Presumably you haven't started mat leave yet. Have you sat down and discussed exactly how you're going to split the bills when you're not the highest earner, even temporarily? What about child care costs?

I agree that half the stuff people buy before they have a baby probably isn't needed. I did laugh at the white noise machine.

@Shop90 massive congratulations on your impending baby!!

To answer your question directly - yes you should be worried about his lack of enthusiasm. I could be wrong but it does sound like you've gone ahead and bought a lot of the stuff without asking for a contribution from him? So it sounds like you've spent it total around £1000, he's spent £400 and now he's upset about you asking about £75. You say 'he doesn't acknowledge or seem to understand how much i've spent solo on getting things' This is the crux of the matter to me - why have you been buying things solo at all? You're a team now, there should be a joint pot for baby expenses or at least a discussion about what you're buying and whether together you can afford it. I do absolutely think it is ridiculous that he has seen all these amazon delivieres and no doubt a brand new nursery being delivered and not questioned anything and not offered to contribute. That to me is a red flag but i also think you are possibly infantilising him a bit with the

"I wanted him to feel financially stable and not panicked regarding his newly increased outgoings. I have offered to go back to one of my self employed jobs one day a week from when the baby is around 3-4months old to lessen the financial burden on us as my income is going to half on maternity leave."

It's not your job to make him feel financially stable due to a baby coming. He's an adult and soon to be a parent. It's both your jobs to work out together how to financially cope with the cost of a new baby. I completely understand that nesting is a normal part of being pregnant and that some people really like to be prepared and go all out especially with their first. But i would also agree with PP that as someone who's on the other side of things you do not need to be buying all this stuff and a lot of it can be sourced second hand/ vinted / friends - i.e white noise machine, even moses basket (i think mattress should be new for SIDS risk but realistically they will sleep in it for what 3-4 months ? and that if you're lucky and they sleep in it at all, and if they're not a big baby).

Obviously if you want to then it's completely your choice but it seems a little daft you having to go back to work a day a week when baby is 3-4 months old and worried about financials - whilst also spending on books / toys and a fully kitted out nursery for a newborn that will ultimately be sleeping with you for the 1st 6 months. I'm just trying to say that whilst it's exciting and you want to be prepared, if you're worried about money then you may have to cut your cloth.

I'm sure a lot of people will be saying LTB. I think he's at best been thoughtless and there's been a lack of communication, at worse i think he is trying to take advantage of you just going ahead and buying things and sees the baby as your expense alone. If you don't nip this in the bud, when the baby arrives he will expect you to be the one buying all the things for them - alongside working whilst 3-4 months post partum and looking after the baby. You need to have a discussion now about how things look going forward and i would suggest a joint pot of money for things needed for the baby.

Do not put him on your mortgage. He needs to step up whilst you are on mat leave. Seriously this is not going to work out well for you and your child.

Work out now how you are going to do it all alone without support as I don't think he is going to step up and you will end up resentful and splitting up.

@HewasH2O crossposted here -not sure why the white noise machine has got us both so triggered😂
But you're so right in terms of the actual bigger probem here is how you're splitting the household bills and income when your wage is halved. Is one day a week going to cut it? Have you sat down and worked out how much everything costs and where the money is coming from? You say you've split the mortgage with him 60:40 because you earn more but whilst you're on mat leave this won't be the case i assume so has this been looked into and altered accordingly?

Congratulations on the pregnancy. To be perfectly honest, I would have ended things when he refused to pay rent but it’s too late for that now. He seems to see everything as a transaction - and he normally comes out on top, doesn’t he? He seems to be financially manipulative. My only advice is to sit down and agree on sharing costs BEFORE you buy things, not after. I also think you are spending way too much money before this baby is born. All you need is a Moses basket, a few clothes, nappies and muslins. And £800 on a ‘travel system’ is insane. Calm everything down and start asking him for half in advance. Good luck.

Sums it up better than I could.
Good luck OP.

OP can you stop the process of adding him to your mortgage? You say you are finalising this. I hope you can. He is a mean man.

It sounds to me like he's seen you as a stepping stone to a better life financially. This is not a criticism of you. Plenty of men do this. Unable to lift themselves in life, they do it on the backs of women. We get sucked into this because we love them, warts and all. But make no mistake, they're users.

Are you sure he was as invested in having a baby as you are? It sounds to me like he went along with it because it was what you wanted and it ties you more securely to him. But he's not really invested in what being a dad actually means.

I'd put very good money on him being unsupportive in the newborn stage. And not a great team player as a father either.

Keep your eyes open and don't be blinded by love. Keep your savings up and separate from him. I think you're going to need to be ready when he decides to call in his investment and move on.

Lots of concerns around him and how he sees your finances, but I actually came on here to say you absolutely do not need to buy all that stuff for a new baby, you won't use half of it!