Finance disputes in pregnancy - help!

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Hi all. Just wanted some general advice and peoples thoughts please :)

I bought my own home in 2022 as a single woman. I met my partner and he moved in, we decided to split the bills and food (£500 a month each) but I didn’t charge him any rent.
He quite openly said anyway he would refuse to pay rent and move back in with his family if I was going to ask him for it.
However, i was never going to ask him for rent because he earns around about 40% less a month than me, and he wanted to save to put an investment in the house and come on board the mortgage at some point, which is something we are now in the process of finalising. I welcomed this and wanted to give him the opportunity to save as much as he could as my mortgage was financially quite draining since interest rates went up, and it made sense for our next stage in our relationship.

We are expecting our first baby in November and tonight we have had a disagreement regarding the finances surrounding what I deem our baby’s essentials.
We got some money from his family towards our travel system, and my family paid for our nursery furniture so we have managed to save quite abit of money with family being so generous. We split the rest of the cost of the travel system (around £400 each), and I have asked to halve a couple of shops I’ve done for baby essentials (crib, baby monitor, bulk buys of nappies/wipes etc) costing around £250 each.
I have paid for all the baby’s clothes plus more essentials, including my breastpump, baby’s carrier, baby books, toys, maternity clothes etc (costing in the region of about £650/700 to myself in total). He hasn’t bought anything for the baby himself without me ordering it and asking for some money (inclusive of the £250) Lots of things have been delivered for the baby and not once has he asked “did I help towards these things?”
I generally pay for afew more bits month to month for any extras for the house and routinely offer to pay for the occasional thing if he was running low on money that month.
Tonight I asked if he would be happy to pay half towards an Amazon shop for the last few bits of baby stuff (blankets, crib sheets, Moses basket sheets, white noise machine etc) which came to around £75-80 each. He said he wasn’t happy to be paying out £75 for more baby stuff when he had so many outgoings this month. He said “£75!!!!!! Each???!!??”
I don’t think he realises how much things cost for baby stuff but it’s not cheap.
I snapped and said “Well you shouldn’t have had a baby if you’re not prepared to contribute towards what they need” - which I realise now was pretty harsh.

But if I’m honest, I feel abit taken advantage of. Not even due to the money itself but more the expectation that it’s okay for me to pay for so much towards our baby without him offering or even saying thank you. He still doesn’t acknowledge or seem to understand how much I’ve actually spent solo on getting things.
I feel I have been very reasonable financially towards him since we met, whilst taking on extra burdens for myself ( I work 32hrs in one job, and have two self employed jobs on the side). I wanted him to feel financially stable and not panicked regarding his newly increased outgoings. I have offered to go back to one of my self employed jobs one day a week from when the baby is around 3-4months old to lessen the financial burden on us as my income is going to half on maternity leave.

Other than communication surrounding our baby’s finances though, our relationship is great. He is very loving and caring towards me, the bump and our dog. And generally day to day we don’t argue and have built a great team dynamic in every other aspect.

Question is:
Should I be worried regarding the lack of enthusiasm for wanting to pay towards his child’s essentials or extras? Or am I being unreasonable to expect him to pay for more stuff when he earns less than me when I knew that when we got together?

Im so tired and hormonal, and in very much need of some advice going forward as I don’t want it to be something that eventually comes between us.

Thank you :)

And what the heck is a travel system??

On the one hand, I wouldn't expect most men would take a big interest in breast pumps before a baby arrives. But you don't seem to have agreed upfront how the child will be paid for. You could ask for a set amout of child support, or buy things 50/50. Something tells me the second option would result in a lot of moaning on his part though! If he already says money is tight (despite saving £20k), how is childcare going to be paid for when you go back to work?

Putting him on the deeds is a terrible idea. If you separate, you don't have your own home, but will need to buy him out or sell and move somewhere cheaper

How much does he earn a month OP? This man is a huge red flag. Make sure you return to work after mat leave.

As others have said do not marry him or put him on your mortgage. How long have you dated him?

He doesnt sound much cop does he. Definitely doesn't sound like someone you'd want to create a baby with as he doesn't sound responsible enough. If you can stop him being on the mortgage before it is finalised then I would.

Also, agree a white noise machine and all the bumpf is pointless. You need the basics and a Ewan dream sheep, thats it.

There's a thread on here by an OP whose partner has just stopped paying the mortgage. She has to keep paying it until she can sell it for a knock down price and get her money out.

You are (unfortunately) having a baby with a man who doesn't see contributing to the cost of raising his child as his responsibility. Have you even discussed how your maternity leave will be funded? What about childcare? If he's objecting to paying £75 for baby items, how do you think he will react to covering the lions share of all bills when you are on maternity leave on a reduced income, or paying half the childcare bill when you've gone back to work?

There are red flags all over this situation and the biggest problem for you now is that if you split up, not only will you be responsible for taking care of your child with probably minimal practical or financial assistance from him, but he will also own part of your home and be able to force you to sell it if you can't afford to buy him out.

The pram, car seat etc.

My thoughts?

Baby has your name.
Don't sign away your house.
Be prepared to be a single parent - emotionally and financially.
Women are more likely to be abused when pregnant or just after - this is a fact not an opinion. He's already starting on that path of being abusive.

He quite openly said anyway he would refuse to pay rent and move back in with his family if I was going to ask him for it.
Bluntly - he fucking TOLD you who he was and you ignored him. DO NOT IGNORE WHAT HE IS SAYING NOW!

Can you delay adding him to the deeds until baby has been here a while and you see how things are financially and if he pulls his weight? He's showing lots of potential asshole traits here and it'll be so much easier if you have that little bit of leverage should you need it down the line. Once he's on the deeds and has his feet firmly under the table so to speak there less incentive for him to put the effort in and it would be so much harder for you to kick him out. Also, his £20k savings would be a good cushion to have available during mat leave.

Stop showing him that you are willing to make all the baby purchases and decisions, don't set up that dynamic! If you deal with all the baby work and life admin now you will find it hard to change that later. Start asking him to be 50/50 on decisions, prep for the baby and baby finances.

Oh... and control that nesting urge!! Stop buying baby stuff, return non-essentials if you can. You need very little in the early days, and once baby is here you'll have a much better idea what you actually need.

I snapped and said “Well you shouldn’t have had a baby if you’re not prepared to contribute towards what they need” - which I realise now was pretty harsh.
how is that harsh? It’s just a basic truth. I wouldn’t put this man on my house, you are just signing up in blood for future misery that’s difficult to get out of.

God what a loser

You need to protect yourself. Do not put him onto your mortgage!

He's a child who you've made a child with.

But you said he "shouldn't have a child he wasn't prepared to pay for "

But you shouldn't have moved him in without him paying rent, you shouldn't have added him to the house and you shouldn't have made a baby with someone without establishing a clear and fair approach to how it was going to work.

You've set yourself up for a really tough time if you can I'd stop him being added to the mortgage and protect yourself.

he is a cocklodger regarding not paying rent etc but I have to defend him a bit regarding you buying a load of expensive utter shit and asking him to pay half. I’d have told you to do one as well. But yeah I wouldn’t add him to my mortgage that’s gonna make things helluva messy later on. If he wants property he should buy his own.

He does not seem to want to take care of you and it seems that you are expected to take care of him and the baby.

Frankly, I’m not sure why you are having a baby with him when he threatened to move back to his parents if you charged his rent. That does not smell of love and does not seem like someone desperate to be with you.

Who wanted this baby?

Was it planned and discussed together?

He’s not showing the enthusiasm eg when you shop together and make plans together etc. Do you hope that it will turn around when the baby arrives? Once the work of having a baby happens it’s intense and tiring. What happens if there are issues and you have to take more time off work? How will you divide the baby care and eventually the cost of nurseries and child minders etc.

Ypu need to set a budget for the child and divide this once you k ow how much things cost.

Hopefully I am wrong with all this

In the meantime, my advice is don’t spend so much on the baby. The baby does not need fancy clothes / baby grows or off machines. Spam stuff you can get second hand and make sure you sell on the stuff you have. Having a baby is an exciting time but you should be pdong this jointly.

Nappies and baby food should become part of the weekly shop at Tescos and be had to pay his half. However please be wary and don’t splash the cash.

I am married to a man who was happy to pay £300 per month towards my mortgage without his name going on my deed . He paid it as a lodger. 28 years later and we are still married and have been for 26 years.

Your spending on baby stuff as if you have lots of disposable income and the travel system sounds like one of the higher end ones . Did you discuss all the things you wanted to buy with him beforehand and agree what was essential and what was something you wanted . If he doesn’t earn as much o can see why he wouldn’t want to buy non essential stuff without being consulted .

how do you know he’s not trying to save up for the baby and your mat leave . Is it more a communication issue

Absolutely mad putting him on your mortgage. It won’t get better and your future self will wonder why give him a % of your house!? That was and is your security. Not too late to pull out. You’re prepared to do that but he won’t chip in £75? That tells you all you need to know.
Deal with the situation you have not the one you’d like to have. Plus when you are married everything becomes ours. This his money your money a sure fire way to build up resentment but you are right fairness is important. Don’t sign off the house. Pull out. Tell him you want more time to think about it. Let him take his £20k back (better that than you have to remortgage later to reimburse him when you split). There’s no gain for you. If you don’t want to pull out at least give it 2-3 years more and don’t rush to marry either. Hard to see red flags 🚩 up close but your future self will thank you and as it stands your relationship about to encounter more challenges when wee one arrives and don’t expect he will step up way you need.

Second hand pram - high quality- £120
Brand new car seat - £100

He may have a point that you are overspending.

However, his attitude to money is worrying. I would delay signing the trust docs if you can until he's proven how he will act with a real live baby.

Its piss easy to be kind and loving at this stage, let's see how he copes when your income drops and you're both sleep deprived.

He should definitely not own a 35% share of your house. You will need that house in the not too far future when you realise you have had a child with a selfish, cheap and uncaring man. It will be so much easier to extract yourself from this relationship if he owns none of it and you don't have to find the money to buy him out. Also, definitely make sure the baby doesn't get his surname, it's just another complicating factor.

For some reason you can't see now that he's not good partner material, but that will come once you have this baby in your arms and you will see that he is still only concerned about him.

I’m not seeing what this guy has done that’s so bad . If you both want to live together forever and you now have a family why not let him buy into the house and protect your equity . It doesn’t make him a lose that he earns less . He’s saving up and you had an agreement . He hasn’t wasted all the money on booze or gambling etc . I feel the need to defend this guy.

I would not be giving another 75 of Amazon stuff either .

Oh and definitely give the baby your name.

Tradition is that babies take the mothers name always. Usually she is married so has the same name as the father already.

Do not be swayed.

He quite openly said anyway he would refuse to pay rent and move back in with his family if I was going to ask him for it.

And you still moved him in, chose to have a child with him and are now ready to give away a share of your home to a man with short arms and long pockets - seriously pull back on handing him over a chunk of your main asset, if he refuses to pay his share of the mortgage, you’re still liable.

Taking the issue around your house out of it. Did you agree on what you needed before you bought it? Could it be you are choosing either unnecessary or over priced items. For example are you buying white company when he is happy with George? Nothing wrong with either but you can’t just buy things and bill him. Make him part of the process. If he’s not interested then that’s a different issue all together

Please say that you have had a thorough discussion with him, with figures, about how you are going to split costs on maternity, and discussed how much childcare costs, AND discussed how its important you keep your career for financial security so wont be giving up your career even if he thinks childcare is too expensive?

You do seem to be doing a lot of shopping. Some of this stuff can be bought when your baby is here. For example, after you learn they’re allergic to a certain brand of nappies and you need to buy a different brand. Put the money aside for baby things and buy them as you need them.

As for everything else, you need a joint account. Work out monthly budget with extras for days out or whatever. You pay in 60%, he pays in 40% or whatever the accurate proportion is. That’s your joint budget for the month. You both manage that account and pay for all household and baby expenses out of that.

Keeping in mind, when you go on maternity leave the proportion will change. You will earn less, so you will pay in less. He might then make twice as much as you on SMP, so then he pays in twice as much. You will need to adjust your spending and he may need to take on extra work if the budget doesn’t balance. Until you return from mat leave.

Oh OP I don't have anything to add to what hasnt already been said.
But please wake up to the type of man you have chosen to have your baby with. And protect yourself and your baby's future as best you can.
And don't expect anything other than selfishness and self serving from your partner.

This sounds very transactional for someone you are about to have a baby with.

Personally I wouldn’t be happy with his attitude to finances, but also I don’t think you should be buying all this stuff for the baby and expecting him to split it without consulting him on what you are buying.