How to cope with the guilt of dumping someone.

[CupboardOfDoomFear]

I ended my 3 year relationship very recently, it was absolutely the right decision for me but he was so so upset. I feel incredibly sad and guilty about it. Our financial situations are very different, he moved in to my owned house, and he now has to find somewhere affordable to live on a very tight budget and I just feel so guilty about the consequences of my decision.
There's loads of stuff online about how to get over being dumped which is just making me feel worse as I know how awful he'll be feeling, I remember how I felt when previous relationships ended.
I feel so awful and guilty for what he's going through.
Can anyone give me some advice about how to cope with these feelings?
I've been in therapy for years which is really helpful, and I have great friends and family. But the guilt is eating me up.

Any children? Previous to him?

Has he actually demonstrated feeling devastated? It looks like you’re just speculating that he is

Had he proposed?

No neither of us have children. Once he's found somewhere to live and been able to collect his stuff we can have a clean break. I'm ok with him leaving his stuff here until he finds somewhere.

Yes he was clearly absolutely devastated and he told me so. It was heartbreaking.

It's shit isn't it. No one goes into this wanting to feel this way, but sometimes there's just no alternative.
Hugs op.

Thank you I really appreciate the kind words. I feel like such a cruel evil person.

Is your therapist good? What do they say about these thoughts and feelings?

You’re not unreasonable to have ended the relationship: your ex’s problems are no longer yours.

would give your ex reasonable notice to move out and then move his stuff out, not leave it open ended as that is unlikely to be in your own best interests.

Presumably had he not been in a relationship with you, his housing, lifestyle etc would not have been as good as it was for the time he was living with you.

It’s not ‘cruel’ or ‘evil’ to end a relationship.

You have the right to feel sad even if you’re the one who decided to end the relationship, you probably still care about him as a person and it’s understandable to feel upset. However he’s not your responsibility and neither is his housing situation.

You can talk about this in your therapy sessions which should help. Relationships end, it’s part of life. Him moving his stuff out, and time passing will help. You are obviously concerned for your ex so I’m sure you have dealt with him kindly, the very opposite of evil or cruel.

You will be ok and so will he.

Are you sure he is upset about losing you, not about losing comfortable living arrangements?

Once he’s found somewhere….

so you’re still living together.

ok

Thing is…. He’s having to move out, so a part of that devastation will involve all the hassle he now faces in searching, viewing, moving in, paying deposit etc

Maybe tell us all the reasons why you ended if?

You’re allowed to break up with someone. I think it’s good that he says he’ll leave because they don’t all say that. Would it help if you thought about it like this (it helps me) He’s had a few years to get his act together in case you split up, he really ought to have been putting some money aside in case you were to break up, knowing that the house is yours.

My DD has just ended a long term relationship and has left him devastated which is causing so much upset so I understand what you’re going through trying to support her the best I can.

i will say the same thing I said to her,

yes you have hurt him, he is now grieving and in shock and you are grieving and feeling guilty. But those feelings will fade in time and you will both move on. If you stay together for the simple reason you want to spare upsets the pain you will become to resent him, and the break up more volatile and painful.

I've only had 1 session since the break up and we spoke about my need to help people and solve their problems. I feel like this breakup is the first time in my life I've put my own needs first and I'm proud of that but feel so horrendous for the pain I've caused him.
All of your comments are right and helpful, thank you so much. Yes his life was good with me and he had the chance to gain new life skills due to being able to afford to which he couldn't have done by himself.

I think it's me, I dont mean in a boastful way. There may also be disappointment about losing the lovely living situation but I think it's heartbreak, and the stress of finding somewhere new and affording it etc.

He went straight to a hotel, and I think may stay with a friend.

Yes absolutely, it's so stressful and difficult especially on a tight budget and I feel so guilty that I've caused this situation. Obviously I broke up with him because it wasn't right any more, and there was things he did that caused that, but overall he is lovely kind calm man who just isn't right for me. So it feels like it's my fault.

Yes definitely, I always always said to him please build your savings up etc. He wasn't paying loads to stay here so I felt he had that opportunity. It wasn't that I never expected it to work, I thought and hoped it would, but I wanted him to have that safety net, we did speak about it.

Focus on the reasons why you left. It’s always upsetting to leave someone you care about but you do have to prioritise yourself.
When I left my ex he’d behaved terribly so that made it easier to rationalise the decision. But it still takes some getting over. Time helps.

You work? Have good friendship circle? Hobbies?

Aww… I do believe you.
As @Brightbluesomething advised focused on the reasons why you broke up plus it’s not fair for him if you just tolerated him rather than loved him. It would be better for him as well on the long run.