How to cope with the guilt of dumping someone.

[CupboardOfDoomFear]

I ended my 3 year relationship very recently, it was absolutely the right decision for me but he was so so upset. I feel incredibly sad and guilty about it. Our financial situations are very different, he moved in to my owned house, and he now has to find somewhere affordable to live on a very tight budget and I just feel so guilty about the consequences of my decision.
There's loads of stuff online about how to get over being dumped which is just making me feel worse as I know how awful he'll be feeling, I remember how I felt when previous relationships ended.
I feel so awful and guilty for what he's going through.
Can anyone give me some advice about how to cope with these feelings?
I've been in therapy for years which is really helpful, and I have great friends and family. But the guilt is eating me up.

Because if you don’t, then rather than spend time focussing on how “so guilty” you feel, start building up your new life without him.

I feel so guilty that I've caused this situation.

Well presumably he played a part in the relationship ending 😵‍💫

Isn’t been an adult great? You’ll get over it

As will he!

Has your therapist ever spoken to you about the Karpman Drama Triangle? Explained a lot of the guilt I felt when I tried to, then did end my long term marriage.

I wouldn't refer to it as dumping somebody, even to myself. You ended a relationship. This is a very hard thing to do, especially when you still care for the person. But if you don't feel that the relationship is right for you, it's the only thing to do.

To put a different spin on it, there’s a sort of (unconscious and probably not at all deliberate) saviour complex going on when you feel guilty about another’s pain. As if only you have the power to make it all better for him, and by choosing to not be in a relationship with him you’re depriving him of your saving power.

Of course it isn’t really like that and I’m sure you know that rationally. He’s an adult, he needs to make himself happy and fulfilled aside from a relationship (relationships are more a cherry on top of life than the whole sundae).

So what do you do with the guilty feelings? Nothing. You know you don’t need to act on them, as they’re misplaced and getting back together isn’t going to solve his or your happiness. If you acknowledge the feeling, let yourself feel it (literally notice where it feels in your body - a sensation in your shoulders? Stomach? Chest? What kind of sensation?). It will pass pretty quickly (like within minutes).

If you’ve got big fear or stories or beliefs attached to the guilt (e.g. this is so big and scary to feel / I might die if I sit and let myself feel it / I could never tolerate that sensation), then that might block you from feeling it. Very worth discussing in therapy. Your therapist can help you with understanding that, work through any beliefs that are stopping you process the guilty feelings, and putting them back where they belong in the past.

I've had to end 3 relationships over the years, with varying responses towards me. I too felt awful about it, one does feel like a shit. But you do get over it in time, and of course there's the relief that you don't have to put up with the person any more. Let's face it, you're getting rid of them for a reason, right?

Im in a similar situation and also feel the need to fix things for people and take on responsibilities I probably shouldn’t!

I ended things with my ex 2 weeks ago and we had been together for 6 years. He unfortunately has a chronic illness, doesn’t work, has no friends or family or support here so it’s tough for him. He has been nasty at times though then back tracks and applogises and blames it on being heartbroken.

We are both on the rental tenancy and he says he won’t move out even if I want him too as he would be on the streets and I would have to move out but I can’t do that as he can’t pay pay rent and I would be liable!

I still feel a huge amount of guilt and responsibility though so I understand how you’re feeling

If the relationship wasn't working, you break up.

It really sounds like you're projecting some of your feelings about your previous breakups onto him.

He's an adult that it sounds like you were supporting and now he won't be able to support himself in the same style. Why would you feel guilty over not financially supporting a grown adult after your relationship ended? That's not a reasonable expectation. Yes, he'll have to get up and find a new place to live within his budget. You didn't give him some years long impossible quest. It's an ordinary life task.

Put his stuff in storage and pay for 3 months if you feel that bad. I think you're being extremely nice storing his stuff. But don't let him play you and take advantage of you. You're not responsible for another adult. You can't fix things for him, that way lies codependency and it sounds like you already have issues in that area.

I ended a relationship many years ago. We’d been together about three years and had just bought a house. The guilt I felt nearly destroyed me but I knew it was the right thing to do. It’s just life isn’t it? Ups and downs. Highs and lows. We have to trust our gut and do what’s right for us x

Maybe dont refer to is as dumping him? Doesnt sound nice

Yes definitely, I was tolerating him and trying to persuade myself I was happy and it was good enough to stay. That was absolutely not fair on him and I know I was right to end it. He's lovely and deserves someone who adores him.

Yes all of the above, good job, great friends and family, interesting hobbies. I know I will be ok.

No, I haven't heard of it, I will look into it and bring it up in therapy. Thank you. Well done for ending yours.

That's helpful, maybe I need to reframe it.

@Hurumphh
Yes this is all spot on, thank you. I do feel I can fix it if I just changed my mind. I've always felt I have to solve others peoples problems and support them to make sure they're ok and happy and they like me.
I feel it in my stomach, I am feeling sick constantly.

@Bexs2247
Wow that sounds really tough, well done you, I can empathise with how hard that was. I hope your situation can be resolved in a way that works for you.

@outerspacepotato
Thank you, that helps to put it in perspective. I do think I have some codependency tendencies.

I think you need to put a finger on why you are feeling so awful. Was it a shock he was so devastated? Do you think he was shocked by it? What is it you feel you can not give him? Why does this bother you? Do you really feel you could have handled it better? Can you sit with the imperfection of it?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, I appreciate it.
I am still feeling sad and guilty and worried but it has helped to read your replies and put it in perspective.
If anyone has any recommendations for books, podcasts, YouTube videos about ending a relationship, or general good life advice, that would be much appreciated.
I have got great support around me but I dont want to overload people, and I want to be able to self soothe in healthy ways, I know asking for reassurance from mumsnet might not fit in that category!

What's the alternative? It's basically you being unhappy or him being unhappy. Presumably you had good reason to dump him! First and foremost you have to look after yourself! How he deals with it is entirely up to him. If he's unhappy, miserable, depressed, etc., then HE needs counselling/therapy/support. You need to put it behind you and move on with your life. The sooner he sorts things out and moves his stuff out, the better - until then, he'll be a constant reminder (for him and you), so best to give him a fair date as ultimatum for taking his stuff. You can bet your bottom dollar that if he found someone else within a few weeks, he'd move on and forget you, so you need to do the same - forget him that is!

I don’t think you should beat yourself up. You’ve done the right thing and if you’ve ended it in a kind and considerate way, which it sounds like you have, that’s more than some people manage. It’s much better than dragging it out if you know it’s not right - you’ve set him (and yourself) free.

I had to end a relationship with someone after more than four years, which involved making him homeless (I owned my home, he had no property and a low income, so had to move back into a shared house). He had also been suffering from poor mental health off and on, so I was worried that he would react badly and find it difficult to cope. I delayed ending the relationship for longer than I should have done because of agonising over the impact on him.

In fact, after the initial upset he was fine, and has actually thrived since we split up. At the time I think he did not agree that we were incompatible long term, but over time I think he has realised I was right. We have both moved on but are still in touch on a friendly basis.

in the words of the fabulous Brene Brown, it’s kind to be clear. It’s unkind to be unclear. Carrying on in a relationship that is not right for you would make you feel worse in the long term, and almost certainly make him feel worse too. So you have been kind - to yourself and your own feelings but also to him by not pretending feel something you don’t.

give yourself credit for that kindness and try to see it for what it is, you can both move on to more meaningful relationships when you are ready rather than living a lie

I’d be devastated if I had to face the hassle of finding somewhere on a very tight budget and moving all my stuff again etc

i would say a big part of his sadness is the logistical and financial mountain that lies ahead for someone on a very tight budget!

did he move from his parents in with you op?