How did you feel?

[AOL44]

How did you feel when you first found out your parter was cheating?

I found out last night and I feel physically ill. Haven’t slept all night, I feel a lump in my throat. My legs feel like jelly, my heart is pounding.mt head is aching.

He doesn’t know that I know yet so I have to walk around pretending.

My whole world has been turned upside down in the blink of an eye 😭😭😭😭

How absolutely awful for you OP.
How did you find out?

Yes, this is how it feels, I'm sorry you're going through this. You now need to take back control, and do something about it. I did that by waiting until he had left the house, and I threw all his stuff out of the window onto the street and texted him to come and pick it all up. It felt good.

OP God yes I remember all of those things. It’s a visceral reaction. Just awful. I’m so sorry.

Had a gut feeling that I couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried so while he was in the shower last night I checked his phone. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. I just opened watsapp and started scrolling and found a conversation with a woman (an ex). I’m still in disbelief.

I always give women advice on MN when they’re in this situation. I never thought it would be me. He was literally planning a life with that woman. Totally disregarded me and his children.

I’m so sorry OP. How you’re feeling right now is completely normal, do you have anyone in real life you can lean on for support?

What is the housing situation? Do you work?

How awful , I hope your ok and if it was me id be telling him today that you know what he’s been doing.

OP, this is dreadful. I would have had to confront him, but different people deal with such a situation in very different ways. You need to decide what you’re going to do next. Will you be able to get through the weekend, or would it be better for you to go somewhere else? You have the advantage that he doesn’t know you know, so you can decide whether you are going your separate ways, or whether there’s any coming back from this. Be kind to yourself, OP - he has chosen to do this, and now it’s up to you to decide how to proceed. If you feel that this is the end of the road, then get legal advice ASAP. It’s an awful situation for you. Sending hugs.

I went hot and cold at the same time and started sweating.

I could hear my own heart beating.

At least you can start planning by seeing a solicitor so that you won't be cheated out of your entitlement to 50% of any assets, including the house. Forewarned is forearmed.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. He is a cheating scumbag. Your kids will be your main priority.

The initial shock is hell, I sometimes wonder if it’s easier to have a slow dawning, but I went through that instant no doubt situation.

it took me a few days to be ready emotionally and physically to confront him.

it’s different fir everyone, think of it as a grieving process- your relationship has just died and you’re in shock, how you take it from here is up to you. But I would strongly advise to be calm and try to emotionally detach from the situation. Be cold and calm and calculating. You can fall apart later, but this moment in time you need to decide what you want to do and calmly carry it out.

do you have family/ friends you can call ?

Thank you x. I do have support but I feel embarrassed. I know it sounds silly but I feel so ashamed to speak to any one about this irl.

I want to confront him today but I don’t even know what to say. They’re planning to meet again soon and I feel like I want to wait until after they met. I also want to wait until I go back to work, I’m on maternity leave now and only getting SMP. My whole life is a mess right now.

I know, you feel like a failure, the “ it must be me “ feeling.

BUT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT

and yes I did shout that, I would shake you if I could. Get on that phone and get support. He’s the one who’s done wrong not you x

You’re right. I’m gonna go for a walk and speak to my friend. Don’t even want to be in the house with him right now.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. The shame is his.

You have a young baby too? What a disgusting man he is.

You will get through this and come out the other side, but it’s going to be a hard road. Please call your friend, you would want her to call you if the situation was reversed x

We are all here, there are lots of knowledgeable women here who have been where you are and can help you at every step. I would advise you to get copies of all financial documents - wage slips, bank statements etc and get some legal advice.

Protect yourself and your children x

I’m sorry, this is so so awful for you.

My advice is to take decisive action-at a time of your choosing.
It is very scary to end a marriage, but you will come out the other side feeling good.

I felt relief. Mine was an abusive cunt and it gave me the opportunity to split. Leaving him otherwise would have been really difficult as he would not have taken it lying down. As it was the divorce was really drawn out as he dragged his feet over everything, missed court hearings, ignored court summons served by court bailiffs etc. Covid didn't help. I did get a great result at Final Hearing though which was very satisfying.

Hopefully yours will behave himself. Find your anger and show him what you are made of. 💪💪This is only the beginning of the rest of your life, it will get better and you will be fine.

I would be tempted to keep an eye on his phone. Turn up at their meeting place....

Op give yourself sometime over the weekend to think and get yourself together,

For sure you know, he doesn't know you know, your already one step ahead op

I just can’t put it into words, every word I can think of seems too small for the raw emotions I felt. My whole world tipped in an axis. All I can say is be kind to yourself. None if this is your fault. You have been deceived by 2 people who are nasty at their core, with character flaws a mile wide. You are a good woman who will survive and thrive. I won’t lie, you have some terribly tough times ahead, but you will come through them, I promise you. Don’t be ashamed, it will stop you from receiving the help and support you’ll need. You don’t need to announce it to the world yet, but a choice few people.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, take as much time as you need to decide what you’re going to do. Staying together or divorce are both very hard roads to navigate, but you won’t know what you want to do right now, and you don’t know what your options are until you talk to him. Instinct will be an immediate split and you have to be prepared for a split, so gather your things together and put yourself and your dc first. I fully intended on being prepared, but I just blurted it all out when he walked through the door, I regretted it and wish I had composed myself first.

Good luck in everything you do.

I was where you are, on maternity leave and on SMP when I discovered my husband was cheating.

Like you I didn’t want to tell people, I felt shame and somehow it made it more real. But honestly, confide in those you trust. You’re going to need all the emotional and practical support right now. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, this is all on him.

I don’t know if this will help you or not, but there was no going back for me and our marriage ended. 3 years on, I don’t quite know how I did it but life is happier without him and despite everything I am glad I found out the truth when I did.

Hi OP I understand how it feels when you finally see it in black and white on their phone screen. Like another poster said I felt hot and cold at the same time could feel my heart pounding. Was like an out of body experience and how unnerving it is to see them act okay with you when their talking badly about you to another women their cheating with. (That’s how it starts if you wondered. What a pathetic man you’ve carried his child and no doubt he will have fed his ex some storey about how hard things are for him.

I stupidly wasted another year of my life as he made out he ended it and minimised. I was terrified to do it alone. I wish I ended it when I found out. He then left for her a year later and I went through it all again. In these circumstances it’s not worth working through I don’t think. Your nervous system goes into a spin and it doesn’t end. I’m nearly 3 years on from separation and I’ll be honest I think it takes that long to recover with every year it getting easier.

Im at the point now I don’t even care about the women he cheated with and them having a relationship with our children. I actually feel relieved he never parents on his own.

My ex couldn’t deal with me moving on and getting into a relationship years later however.
Men like your partner run away when things get hard why they cheat at times like a new baby.

One thing I wish I realised is any person who is capable of this you really cannot trust anything they say from now on OP. People are either capable of this or they are not. He has no moral compass no integrity and above all no loyalty to you and his family.

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

My friend also suggested that I should try and wait until after the weekend to confront him, so that I can be a bit more calm & level headed.

It’s gonna be the longest weekend of my life. We have a baby shower and a proposal to go to and now I have to walk around and just be fake. I hate that.

I’m not looking forward to having the conversation with him but I know it’s the only way I’ll find out the WHY. I just really want to know why would he do this to me? Why throw almost 10 years away? If he doesn’t love me anymore, at least think of the kids. He adores them but now he’s dropped a massive bomb in our lives.

I’m just so hurt more than anything. Seeing him telling another woman he loves her when he hardly ever say it to me. That he’s her biggest fan and supporter. Sends her money. Buys her gifts. Planning for her future so she can go back to school and get a better job. I had to tell him to buy flowers for me for our anniversary. Pathetic.

Even throughout my pregnancy they were meeting up. I’m crying again writing this. What hurts the most is that; this affair seems to be very deep. This isn’t surface level attraction kind of sh!t based on their conversations. They have a lot of history together so I guess they can finally be together for good now; all at mine and the kids detriment I guess.

If you believe he really is serious about leaving you I wouldn’t tell him you know until you have sought legal advice, know how you want your life to look like after divorce and gather all the information you need to prove he has been spending money on setting up his new life. This could be taken into account when splitting assets. Use your anger to show him you can’t be walked all over. He doesn’t get to ride into the sunset with this OW having everything pan out how he wanted. If you tell him it’s likely things will move fast if he’s already got a plan in place so make sure you are prepared too