How did you feel?

[AOL44]

How did you feel when you first found out your parter was cheating?

I found out last night and I feel physically ill. Haven’t slept all night, I feel a lump in my throat. My legs feel like jelly, my heart is pounding.mt head is aching.

He doesn’t know that I know yet so I have to walk around pretending.

My whole world has been turned upside down in the blink of an eye 😭😭😭😭

I’m so sorry OP - many years ago now ( around 9) I found a drawer full of songs and poems my H had written relating to a very young woman who worked with us -he had recorded himself singing them too and I played them through - it was something that happened 10 years before that when we had been married around 10 years- we definitely didn’t have a crap marriage at that time or at the time it was happening , so it kind of hit me like a sledgehammer. He told me it was just a crush on his part when he was feeling down , nothing happened, still made me feel like the shit on his show though and I will I guess never know the truth. - I’m still married , but don’t think I’ve ever felt quite the same . In your situation I think sadly it will have to end as it’s current and obviously from both sides- I can tell you that I knew for 6 weeks before saying anything. It was a very long six weeks and yes my stomache felt like I had eaten something off the whole time and my inside was liquified and I was walking round in circles like someone possessed and not eating - I think you will struggle to fake it and no one will think worse of you if you have to cancel and have it out - although it’s better if the kids aren’t around.

As the poster above said though I would certainly be looking at finances, make sure you have enough to get by for a while ready to hand ,

Relieved as I needed a kick up arse to leave

It’s not at your detriment it’s his. You’ve found out who he really is. I really hate cheats. Sorry this has happened to you but try and think of the positive that you will in the end come out stronger xx

What is your living situation?
Rental? Owned? Had he rights to be there?

Joint mortgage, only purchased 3 years ago. I don’t even know where to begin with all the finance stuff. I definitely need to seek professional counsel.

I felt about the same as you: I rang a friend I had known since childhood and she didn't recognise my voice. It's not just the emotional, it is physical as well. A feeling that you have been eviscerated. Even now 5 years on I still have problems sleeping and revisiting that night. It is the shock and horror. Mine was just before our 50th wedding anniversary. We are still "sort of together but not quite" and I don't wear the wedding ring!

Don't try to find out "why" OP. That's futile and will leave you in even more of a state. My DH cheated on me after 26 years of marriage. I came home earlier than planned and heard him on the phone (he didn't hear me come in). My knees gave way as I listened to the conversation. I felt like ending it all and for days and days I kept furiously bombarding him with questions. It's as if I wanted to know every little detail including about sex. I've since learnt that this is a normal reaction but I really would advise you to try and avoid it. Instead use your energy to get legal advice and start making plans for you and your baby. Sending love.

I’ve done some more snooping tonight and some of the things I found out are unforgivable. I’m leaving asap.

Can anyone give me some advice on where to start please? I want to do this as fast as I can.

What about our house? Will we need to sell it?

I just don’t know where to start.

Sorry you are going through this. I think for now it’s not helpful to snoop anymore as the intricate details of the affair are going harm you more than they will help you.

First thing is first. Call the solicitors Monday morning , most give first half hour free.

For now, are you able to fake soke kind of sickness and take yourself off to family for the rest of the weekend? I understand right now that it’s far too painful to see that lying bastards face.

To start seperating depends who owns the house. Lots of stuff you can google and then call a solicitor recommending by a friend or someone you trust. Good luck

It’s awful but it does pass. Hard to eat or sleep for a while due to shock.
You need to try to find out financial details before he has a chance to hide things. If you can see a solicitor early in the week before speaking to him then even better. That will be hard though.
If neither of you can buy each other out then you might need to sell the house. My friend had an arrangement that she could keep the house until the kids were older then when it was sold the proceeds were split 50/50 but her kids were older. Good luck.

And re looking for more info on the affair, as a PP says, don’t. You can’t unknown what you know and it isn’t necessarily helpful.

OP - you have kids so please prioritise their immediate needs - do you need to leave? I would tell him he nerds to leave - if he won’t , then make it clear you will be telling the truth to everyone and he might find it not that pleasant to stay . That way selling the house is fully under your control etc - before you do this make sure you have cash/access to cash at hand - transfer half of any accessible money to yourself if you can do so - make sure you have a folder ready and put safe with personal stuff - kids and your birth certs, passports , any car stuff, work stuff, banking stuff etc - hopefully it won’t be needed but better to be prepared -

I totally feel for you - it’s the realisation that you simply don’t know someone and that they can be so underhand - please tell him he’s a total deceitful prick

I spiraled when I first found out. I found out in two stages. First I found proof unexpectedly and confronted her with it. There was an explanation I didnt believe. Then a few weeks later there was definitive proof while she was with him.

I reacted unexpectedly. I didn't immediately want to let go of what we had. I started writing notes, trying to get my thoughts out of my head and into words to help me process it.

It actually helped a lot.

I even gave them to my wife to read so she could see what was going on in my head. It gave her a big shock. I dont think people who have affairs activly seek to do harm and build up their husband or wife into an uncaring baddie who doesn't want to be married anyway as a way to negate the guilt. They create a story in their minds about us that just isnt true at all.

I really hope you stay strong and use the pain and hurt to your advantage. I decided I needed to just think about myself and our kids and concentrated on that. I did a rubbish job on the me part though. I went nearly a week without eating. It wasn't until my daughter noticed and told me I had to eat. She also found out what had happened and has been amazing.

Don't be ashamed.

I told two people. My oldest and best friend (shes also my wifes best friend and who introduced us 20 years ago) we've been inseparable scince we were toddlers. Her and her husband are family to us. They listened and didnt judge at all just offered unwavering support in whatever I chose to do.

I also blurted in out to a very close friend whos wife had left him for another man a while back. He just took me to the pub and listened. And through him, his new partner too who was someone I was very close with before I met my wife. She surprised me considering her husband cheated on her and was nasty about it.

She told me to not judge by just one mistake no matter how big or how long it had gone on for but to think of our 20 years and judge as a whole.

Telling people really does help but please make sure you tell the right people.
I would never want my wifes mum to know. She is a lovely lady and a great mother in law but she would not ever let it go and would say something infront of the kids.

I have a very close friend I've known my whole life and we also work together and have done for years. I would not tell him because as important as he is to me he would offer his opinion on what I "must" do and would be very judgemental. He would keep on pushing his opinion too. I've seen him do just this before.

So pick your people well but please do talk with someone it really does help.

Thankfully no expert by any means but can I check, OP, are you actually married as your initial post states "Partner"?

Fingers crossed you are although I appreciate a marriage is much more difficult to disentangle from it certainly puts you in a much stronger position financially.

So sorry you are going through this. What an absolute shit/excuse of a man to do this when you are carrying and just given birth to his child.🤬🤬🤬

Really sorry OP, this is horrible. Agree in that you need to speak to a solicitor. Are you tied into any fixed rate mortgages with penalties for ending early? I’d imagine that unless you can buy him out of his share, that yes the house will need to be sold. But hopefully he will continue to pay his share of bills / mortgage until you return to work. Sending you strength to get through this difficult time. What an arsehole.

I'm so sorry Op

Some practical advice here.

Please don't move out with children. Where would you go? Why uproot their lives, make them suffer and miss theirs home. Make him to move out.

Before you tell him anything, take pictures of their messages, a proof which he won't be able to minimise, and won't be able to tell you are imagining things. Get a proof for yourself in case you start doubting yourself down the line.
Get screenshots and paperwork to confirm joint assets (are you married?) and before you tell him you know he is having an affair, transfer half of those assets to your own bank account. You need some financial security on your own with children.

Speak to him about financial support for you and DCs. Check on CMS calculator how much should he be paying in child maintenance. Is he earning well? Try to get more than that out of him for a start. If he isn't willing to pay or is dragging his feet, put the CMS claim straight away. It doesn't backdate any payments so you will lose money if you delay that.

What a shit person he is. Please, dont be ashamed to tell people what you are going through. It's him who needs to be ashamed and embarrassed! You will need a support network. Find your anger.

You say your life is a mess right now. We are here for you to give you all virtual support and advice you need x

I’m so sorry OP. Could you speak to your friend again for a real life support now you’ve found out more? I think this might help you order your thoughts on next steps.

Do you want to leave the house or have him leave? You will inevitably have to speak with him about that but to have a plan in mind when you do will help keep you calmer in the moment.

Please try and be as calm as possible, you are clearly very upset, and I cannot imagine what you must be feeling.
He has obviously made plans, but you need to "out plan^ him, difficult with all the shock and emotion of this moment, but necessary for you and your child's future.
Realistically if you could go and stay with family or friends until you can get your head together and make plans would be ideal.
Just look after yourself OP xx

I took a video of everything I’ve found so far. It’s so hard not to continue looking for more.

Silly me was thinking this affair was quite recent based on the messages I read on Thursday night. Last night when I snooped some more, I found out this man has been cheating since we got married!!! So basically the whole 10 years.

They went on holiday together recently when I was 8 months pregnant under the disguise that he’s visiting his parents who lives abroad. I wasn’t suspicious at all because this is not out of the ordinary and if I wasn’t pregnant me and the kids would have gone with him too. He was away for 10 days and was even updating me every single day and checking up on us everyday so I find it hard to believe he’s done something like this.

We have a 6yr old & 4 month old. I’m not leaving the house. I’m not going to disrupt their lives and routine by moving out. He’s the one that cheated so he will need to leave. Everything will be clearer re the house once the conversation happens on Monday.

I don’t know but it feels like I’ve now just accepted my fate. I’m not feeling sorry for myself anymore, I’m just really ANGRY!!!

I’ve made a list of solicitors to ring on Monday morning. I have some emergency funds put away and I’ve taken some more from the joint account under the pretence of me booking a holiday which we were going to do anyway so he’s not suspicious.

Thank you all so much for the support and advice. I couldn’t call my friend last night cuz I didn’t want him hearing us but we were chatting all through the night and she’s been my rock to be honest. I could easily go and stay with her for the weekend but the only problem is we both need to be discreet. My friend’s husband is also friends with my so called husband. So my plan is to just have a day out with the kids today so I can avoid seeing him.

Oh op what a shock, am glad your angry you need to be now,
Gather Gather Gather, try and get one or two steps ahead of him he won't know what's coming, after all he's been playing this for years now, bloody ewful man,

Your anger will be your strength op,
Thank god for your friend,

Can I ask the holiday home to in-laws, did he really visit them or was that another lie and he went on holiday with ow anyway,

Are you close to in-laws op, he didn't take her there did he,

Keep angry ' keep going op, good catch up with friend will be a blessing 💐

This. Also constant adrenaline. I actually felt awful that I thought he was cheating on me even though I’d seen irrefutable evidence. I feel like a bit of a mug over that now, but you live and learn.

what I didn’t do was start planning. I should have. Get to a solicitor for advice. Start squirrelling money away on the DL. Do not let on that you know until you’ve got legal advice and a plan in place. Good luck!

I’m so sorry @AOL44 what a huge shock. That level of betrayal is unbelievable. If it’s any consolation all his talk of leaving you was just that — talk. If he had really wanted to leave he wouldn’t have had two children with you, bought a house and built a life with no sign of anything being wrong. There is nothing wrong with you and she isn’t ’the one’. If she was he would have left you soon after it all started before your lives became even more intertwined. He just likes getting extra martial excitement and feeling wanted by more than one woman. It’s inexcusable but it’s not a reflection on you, only him.

Does she have a partner / DH?

You need to be clever now and come at this from a practical standpoint. Speak to a solicitor and figure out the best case scenario for a divorce I.e. you staying in the property for a designated period of time before you buy him out or sell. State you need a higher proportion of the equity because your earning potential is lower due to taking time off with the kids etc.

When you confront him do it without emotion. Don’t show him how much he has hurt you as he doesn’t care. If he did the guilt of betraying you for a decade would have made him stop. What he cares about is facing consequences and if he sees you emotional he will use it to his advantage to manipulate you, either by gaslighting you or begging for forgiveness. Instead treat it like a business deal. You know the score, you have seen the proof, he needs to move out. You can tell him you are giving him what he wants. A life with this woman. He can live with her and be a part time dad and contribute financially.