Odd comment

[Isafahan]

I've been seeing someone for the past 6 months. We have really good fun together, good laughs, he's kind, warm, helpful and we have good physical chemistry.

He is divorced, it was over 5 years ago, separated for a lot longer before and I know he was the main breadwinner and they went through some hard times as they had five children. Now he's in a good position financially, his children are all grown up and in their twenties etc. etc. I am fairly secure myself, which I am so grateful for and I never forget how lucky I am. I'm not incredibly financially well-off, but am always generous towards him when we go out and if I see something I think he would like, small gifts and food, I will treat him.

The other night he made a really odd comment. I've noticed he thinks aloud almost and since coming off an anti-depressant, seems unable to even contain his thought processes. We were talking about finances and the cost of living and he said "You cost me around 5k a year. I've worked it out!"

I was really taken aback. It made me laugh but also made me a bit annoyed if I'm being entirely honest. I took the mickey out of him for saying it and now he says he regrets even bringing it up. He "only did it because at one point in his life he really struggled".

I doubt I even cost him that much. I like going out for the odd meal and can drink a bit on and off, but I'm not always asking to go out. It's not even once every couple of weeks.

What do you all think? The fact he has taken time to calculate the cost of me as his girlfriend has now made me see him as rather mercenary.

Is he an accountant?

Is he generous in return or does he pay more frequently?

He doesn't work in finance at all. He has a manual job, has always been careful with his money. Yes he is generous and pays for things when we are out. If I sat down and figured out how much I have spent on him since we started dating, it would be a whole lot more. I do recall him saying I am too kind. I pay more frequently than him as he drives and I don't.

I remember paying for a meal and him saying that would cover half his petrol. Then he mentioned his daughter showering for 10 minutes, that she was wasting water and she shouldn't take as long.

I did notice a lot of his clothes were really old and worn. Ancient socks and underwear. I've bought him quite a lot of clothes actually, nothing designer or anything, but close to £200 worth.

Feels odd...

You've only been seeing him 6 months and his comment is you cost him 5k a year? Thats odd in itself.

I would find this mercenary view deeply offensive. I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship where a person viewed me as an expenditure.

You've explained that you've only been together for half a year, yes? 😳

It is a bit odd but I think anyone who has been financially struggling at some point will always pay more attention to their finances throughout the rest of their life. I have recently started seeing someone and I’m always vaguely aware of how much more money I am spending purely from being in a relationship. Not because I am paying for everything for him or spending money I don’t have, just because I wouldn’t be spending it otherwise and wouldn’t have been able to in the past.

if he is great in every other way I’d let it go. If it becomes something he constantly mentions as if he is bankrolling you then probably not going to work.

Edit: Posted whilst you were updating. It sounds like he is just tight, I’d not bother.

You can tell him how much he cost ;) „5k? Oh that’s not bad then, you cost me like 10k easily” ;)

I remember paying for a meal and him saying that would cover half his petrol

This isn't nice and if he's saying this after six months, this is going to be ten times worse in a few years time.

I understand people being frugal, especially people who have been through tough times.
A very good friend of mine is tight and it drives me to despair at times, but I put up with it because we meet once a fortnight and it doesn't affect me too much.
I would not meet regularly with someone like this or choose to live with someone like this.

Forgot to add, yesterday he asked me what I'm earning in my job. I went part-time a few years ago due to becoming almost a full-time carer to my Dad, who was dying. I still care for another elderly relative.

I've been left a house... starting to wonder whether he has his eye on it actually...

Best keep things casual....

I can almost feel him doing the mental gymnastics.

I'm starting to feel more and more pissed off about it, if I'm honest. Recovering from the flu and still a bit weak... I did notice not once did he ask me if I needed anything dropping off, although he has ran an errand for me recently that was pretty major. He was probably calculating what I owed him for fuel.

Don't 'alf meet em!!!

Thank you!

Oooh, something I've just remembered. I do now recall him saying something really catty about his ex wife not working... she had young children from a previous marriage... then they had another two... I'm assuming that he wanted children himself... but there was a comment along the lines of her "wanting to pop out more babies but not go back to work"... I'm thinking, sorry, a mother of five children CANNOT go out to work. You signed up for this.... or did she trick him to her pregnancies.

Again, I know he had a child from a marriage prior to that one, and was struggling to make ends meet.... his ex spent his money recklessly... apparently.. and I doubt I'll ever know the whole story... but he must look at me and think he's onto a flaming winner!!!

Time to be less generous and next time I see him and he suggests a meal at his favourite restaurant, I shall politely decline!

I think that the way someone deals with money is one of the most important characteristics which can make or break a relationship.
I would be worried about this comment. He is clearly calculating. Now things are still rosy but imagine you have an actual fights after a couple of years. It's likely he'll throw your cost at you in a discussion.
In any case I would personally not be keen to date someone who is taking antidepressants.

Yes, he's clearly a very calculating person. From his comments to me, about me, and about his exes.

There are other things about him that aren't entirely "rosy" either, shall we say. I'm rethinking my own "investment".... ha ha.. of time, energy.. not money, I can't think like that, but no way in hell would I live with this person or commit to them now... ever....

I'm a cost to him, not a human.

He can pay for an escort if he likes, see how much he gets for his money there!!

He sounds tight. Show him the door.

Clearly wanting the classic nurse with a purse .
Id not be wanting someone so obsessed with money , your money .

Very weird comment. Sort of sounds like he is making his mind up as to whether you’re ‘worth it’ or not. Or maybe he mentioned it to make you feel like you owe him something?? Either way it’s odd for sure. It wouldn’t occur to me to work out how much I’d spent on dating my partner.

He sounds cheap and resentful.

I'm glad others agree. I've ran it past my good friend of over 30 years and she finds it odd too, trying to understand it.

I raised it with him again and his response was that he was "only partially joking". Also that I have misunderstood him. I am the one with the problem.

He said it, not me....

I've ended it. There's other stuff that I'm not comfortable with and given that it has been such a short time we've been seeing each other, this to me is a massive red flag. Oh... I also forgot to mention that he asked me a few days ago how much I earn... "if it isn't a nosy question".

He also repeatedly reminds me how I will be "alright", because I have a house left to me, which has no mortgage etc. Well news flash, I will still have to feed myself and pay the bills etc. etc...

My friend thinks he has something wrong with him mentally.

Out of curiosity, I just divided 5,000 by 12 on the calculator and it comes back with £416.66666666667...... chuckling away to myself at the numbers.

For the life of me, and we've only been together a few months if that, I cannot comprehend where he gets that figure from. Even if we went out for drinks and a meal once or twice a week, no way would it cost him £104.166666667.... chuckle chuckle again... every week. Especially with me paying my way... always. And I have done so from the very start, buying beautiful clothes and gifts and chocolates for him. Might I add that the gifting hasn't been reciprocated, but I did not expect it and I made it clear that I didn't want him buying jewellery or anything unnecessary, that a nice meal out with his company was more than enough. Or a meal in...

I think he's really messed up actually.

You've made your decision but why were you costing him money?

Id be bothered if my BF was costing me money, especially if his financial situation was more secure than mine.

I don't know what my BF earns or vice versa, but I don't think it's an entirely unreasonable question if he was paying the bulk of your "relationship" costs.

This is the thing. I was costing him exactly nothing. Every 2 to 3 weeks we went out for a meal, sometimes he paid, sometimes me. The bill was around £70. I paid it, then he paid it. I helped him with his health, work admin, other practical stuff and he treated me to a meal for that.

I very rarely went to pubs with him. Again, if we did, I paid half. So once a week, if that, at a cost of around £10 to £20 each. If that.

Now and then he cooked me a meal, which cost him around £10.

Add that all up. I have cost him very little.

No gifts, making that clear. I was gifting him regularly.

He would spend a couple of pounds on fuel coming to get me and quite possibly I spent longer than 5 minutes in the shower.

I really don't see how I could be "costing" him that much money!

Best off out of it OP. He sounds ridiculously stingy and that’s unsustainable in a partner in my mind.

Maybe he just meant having a GF costs money.

I'm spending loads more since I've been seeing latest flame. I'm not spending it "on" him but being with him does cost me, just because I'm doing more.

I would worry that his wife's 'reckless' spending was on stuff for the kids that he thought was 'unnecessary', like nappies and food ("why can't you use reusable nappies and feed them what we eat?")

Well done OP. If he can only see your worth as monetary, it's rather revealing. You can buy yourself lovely gifts now!!! 😍