Friend is horrible to her husband- should I say something?

[Scousersandwich]

My friend over many years is pretty mean to her husband, puts him down in front of people, tells him when he can or can’t go out etc. he’s a nice man, as far as I can see, and I feel really bad for him. I also feel really uncomfortable around this when she behaves like this.
should I say something?

You could but it probably won’t end well.

Why doesmy he say something? Is she abusive physically ?

I know quite a few people like this and I'm quite bewildered as to how they stay married.

I think that we as women feel friends of men who are abusive should call it out, tell them it's not acceptable and we should be the same with our female friends too. She won't want to hear it though! Maybe you could help her identify what she's doing and explore why? Bring the subject up gently, help her understand it's not fair on her husband?

Why do you want to be friends with someone who is an unkind bully? And that’s how she behaves in public, I imagine she’s even worse behind closed doors.

I think your unrealistic thinking speaking up will change anything

Well I’ve never seen this side to her before, not with me or any other friends

I think I would say something OP. Not in a confrontational way, just "I've noticed this, is everything okay between you? Do you want to talk about it?" And see how she responds.

Ah ok it sounded like she’d been doing this to him for a long time the way I read your first post? If she’s only recently started doing it then you could ask her why she’s changed her attitude towards him so much and say it makes you uncomfortable to be around?

Can you speak to him about the situation? If he's being abused behind closed doors then calling her out in front of others is unlikely to end well for him.

Could you give us an example of what she says?

im asking because whilst the ‘putting him down’ isn’t acceptable, what could possibly be reframed is the ‘tells him what he can and can’t do’ bit.

because if they have kids, it’s no secret that many men take the absolute piss and leave their wives to do the parenting, so it could be that she’s simply putting her foot down. Note I have no idea whether he is one of those men.

What age is she? I 100% know I started being like this once I hit the perimenopause stage, turned me into a 1st class bitch and I became a version of me that I really disliked.

If this is new behaviour, I would say you have noticed her being a bit sharp with him and ask if everything is ok. Questions rather than accusations.

Not your relationship, not your business
if he’s being abused then you should help but otherwise myob

I am mean to my DH sometimes. But he had an affair so he does deserve it.

Nobody else knows he had an affair and we stayed together because it works for us and the children.

I bet my friends think I am a little mean to him sometimes.

Imagine if a woman posted “My friend’s husband is really mean to her. He puts her down all the time in front of us and tells her what she can and can’t do” and someone replied “She’s probably had an affair and deserves it”. Jeez.

OP, I couldn’t be friends with someone who treated their partner like that. It’s abusive and unpleasant. I’d say something, but I wouldn’t expect it to go down well and I’d expect it to mean the end of the friendship.

I didn't say he had an affair. I just said that the reason I am a little mean to my DH is that he had an affair and I am still pissed off at him.

This is exactly the situation I though of.

OP ask her if she's ok - as she doesn't seem to be getting on well with him

I think you should say something, but you might lose the friend.

I would go with this approach.

My friend did the same , her husband had an affair she chose to stay with him and now treats him like shit . You either forgive someone and stay together or split up.

This is so bad. You should either forgive and move on in a non toxic way or separate. Having kids see this is fucked up.

I feel like I’d ask her if she’s happy and is everything ok. And if she asks why, tell her your observation in a really wooley way like ‘I just got the impression you and Mike weren’t happy, you snapped at him a few times’

These threads always make me laugh. Without fail, there are always some posters who recommend minding your own business.

Same with any threads from an OP with a drunk female neighbour screaming at her male partner at 2am, or a woman who’s cheated, feels guilty and is wondering if she should tell her husband.

Always some “don’t get involved”, “just stay quiet”, “what would be the benefit of being honest now?” responses.

Would any of them tell an OP to just ignore a guy shouting at his wife through the wall and mind their own business? Or recommend a man keeps hiding a guilty secret from his wife?

Id perhaps lead with the effect on me rather than talk about their relationship, would that work?

I had warring parents and if I’m in say a restaurant where a couple are arguing or being nasty to each other I feel physically ill and want to leave. My issue of course but I’d be getting up and saying right I can see this is a bad time so I’ll leave you to it.

And he should have ended the marriage before having an affair and he should have thought about me and our two children before having an affair and he should have thought about anyone but himself before having an affair.

He can deal with me being a bit mean to him. I think it is only fair he doesn't get to do exactly as he wants now, and that sometimes I treat him a little bit badly. He should have thought about that before getting his willy out.