Friend is horrible to her husband- should I say something?

[Scousersandwich]

My friend over many years is pretty mean to her husband, puts him down in front of people, tells him when he can or can’t go out etc. he’s a nice man, as far as I can see, and I feel really bad for him. I also feel really uncomfortable around this when she behaves like this.
should I say something?

Yes. I can assure the poster it does not work for the children. I was one of those children , it was my mum who had the affair and my dad who stayed with her in my case.

I had a friend who always spoke to her husband like dirt. I hated it. We are no longer friends (for different reasons) and this Is one aspect I don’t miss. I would never say anything though. I don’t think it would’ve ended well.

Bloody hell 😂

of course he shouldn’t have been unfaithful, but you’d sound as bad as him now.

It's not just about you though.

Next time she's rude or unkind to him, ask her if he's pissed her off. It points out her behaviour whilst giving her a chance to explain

Could you say something ‘innocently’ to your friend like, ‘is everything ok with you and x. You seemed really annoyed and tetchy with him? ‘Have you fallen out?’ See how she reacts?

Well for goodness sake leave! Regardless of the affair, if you’re going to choose to stay then quit with the meanness, the only person who looks like a cunt to the outside world is you! I hope you’re not like that in front of your children!

My friend's mother used to be like that with her husband. He was an alcoholic, occasionally beat her, and couldn't be trusted with the family finances.
Goodness only knows why she stayed.
People used to say how horrible she was, but they never knew what she was going through. He was a lovely, polite man when sober (the side most people saw) but turned completely nasty when he was drunk (quite often) Even crashed the car drink driving, but knew someone in the force and was let off.

He absolutely should have, yes.

That doesn’t change the fact that the toxic dynamic that now exists is damaging to your children and the blueprint for their future relationship as adults.

That’s how the cycle of toxic, unhealthy, unhappy relationships continues - your children will think this dynamic is normal and acceptable.

Don’t you want to show them that it isn’t? Wouldn’t you be gutted if they end up in the same kind of relationship?

My husband had an affair a very long time ago, so I do understand at least some of what you are feeling and going through now Spdbody.

However, what I don't understand is why you are still with him as you obviously 'dislike' him, and you don't sound as if you even want to be able to forgive him? This situation is definitely not what is best for your children. Even if you think they are not aware of the toxic atmosphere, they almost certainly, absolutely, are.

Unfortunately, there are various scenarios for how you, your husband, and your dear children, are going to fare with your present attitude, and sadly none of them is good. One of the most likely repercussions is that your husband will leave you sooner or later, either facilitated for him by him having another affair - many men don't seem capable of just leaving if they are not happy, they prefer to already have another woman waiting in the wings - or he will just leave anyway, maybe to live with his DM for a while if that choice is available.

Do you really want to be in the position of having your future forced upon you and your dear children, because you actually made it impossible for him to keep living with you? Being/feeling such a dislike for someone you presumably once loved, and treating them in such a horrible way, is not only bad for him (I know you feel justified in continuing to punish him), and awful for the children, it isn't actually doing your own self-respect, and even self-like, any favours at all.

Please believe me when I say that you do not want to become a bitter and resentful person - that would be so bad for both you and your dear children. For whatever reasons you want to stay married/living with him, I think that you desperately need to seek professional guidance both for yourself, on your own, and with a relationship counsellor for the two of you together. I cannot see how your relationship can possibly succeed long term without any indepth counselling.

I really do understand that you are still hurting, and want your husband to suffer, but again, sadly, in fact very sadly, that is not what is best for either you or your DC. 🩷 xxx

I dropped a friend over this. I met her when I moved here and she was quite pushy but I’m very strong minded so she quickly backed off trying to push me around.

I used to meet her for lunch sometimes as we had a shared interest of art but sometimes she would bring her teenage daughter and she would be very pushy with her but the daughter didn’t seem to mind.

Then I went to her house one day and she relentlessly picked on her husband who seemed quite a nice affable chap.

Full on bullying of him in front of me so I wonder what she would be like when I wasn’t there!

I thought it might be better if we went outside so I steered her to having a coffee in their garden. She then went ballistic at him because he had hung washing out on the line and according to her had hung things the wrong way.

He stood there like a limp rag, no doubt having been in the same position countless times before and looked tearful.

Her vitriol towards him was extreme, so I stopped her mid flow and said I was leaving and she was not to contact me again. She then got upset and and started blubbering which made me feel I wanted to push her over, but thankfully I’m not the violent sort so I just left and blocked her in my phone.

She emailed me pleading to get back in touch with absolutely no acknowledgement of how she treated her husband.

I never replied and heard nothing back until the following Christmas where she sent me an email of one of those crowd rush things where it looks like random
people have got together but it’s been secretly organised and they all stop what they’re doing at a train station and start singing. Hideous, absolutely hideous so I blocked her email.

My MIL is like that. I've told my husband to say something when she does it i.e., "stop shouting", "let him speak", "no need to be rude". I've started hushing her off myself at times when I feel my blood boiling..

I've also said to my FIL I feel angry when she does it. His response - Don't waste your emotions on this. Bless him!

If I were you, I'll be tempted to call her out every time she does it.

Too many couples stay together despite hating each other. Others stay together knowing their partner hates them.

I knew a friend of a friend who was very socially anxious and would use her husband as the butt of her jokes, would complain about him and humiliate him in front of friends and in social situations. It was horrible to witness, he was lovely. I didn't say anything but did make a point of showing how shocked I was, and later asked the husband if he's ok, he seemed very uncomfortable and laughed it off. In quieter moments where they were just interacting with each other they seemed very affectionate and smiley. I don't know how someone could be so cruel to the person they love.

They're still together but he needs to leave and she needs to sort her head out and be alone for a while to think about how awful she is.

Maybe @Sdpbodyis still angry and working through it but they’ll get back on track in due course. Maybe she doesn’t say anything mean in front of the kids. Maybe a bit mean really is just a little bit mean.
Why do people on here always have to jump to the worst conclusions - you should leave him, you’re damaging your kids etc? It’s easy to say when you’re a complete stranger with no skin in the game but it’s not very realistic is it.

I would say something to him, not her. Her I’d dump!

I really hope you one of those rare people who manages to keep the toxicity away from the children.

I also genuinely hope you manage to be free some day. If not of the man, then at least of the hurt and anger 💐.

Why are you making this about your situation, then?

Stop trying to justify someone else treating her husband like shit because yours had an affair.

Unless he’s actually asked you for help
ot you know he’s being abused call the police and get involved. If not stay out of if not your circus not your monkeys.

I had a good friend years ago and we used to go out together with our dc all the time. Occasionally we would go out to eat with our dhs as well and generally every one got on. Once though they had a party at their holiday home (not sure of the occasion) and I couldn't believe how she was speaking to him, making him look small in front of us! It was very uncomfortable viewing. Anyway we moved away and so did they and they're still together 25 years later. They are both in their mid to late 60s now. Who knows maybe they'd had a big argument just before we arrived.

Hmmm not sure about this one. Obviously you know your friend and we don't but as someone who was once in an abusive relationship I just want to say it's not always that black and white.
My ex husband was alcoholic. He was everybody's friend, charismatic, funny, generous, very kind in public. He was chubby, wore glasses and was known as a gentle giant, "a big teddy bear"....
Behind closed doors he was a monster. Vicious, angry ALL the time, violent, unpredictable. Everything was my fault.
And when, after a few years, I was completely worn down and was unable to put on the facade in public, I'd snap at him. I'd be angry, while he continued to charm everyone he met, but then drinks, offer to help them out etc so people began to turn on me.
I don't blame them, I'd turned in to an exhausted, angry, burnt out person. I hated him.
Now we've been divorced a long, long time we get on (we have to we have a child). I'm free, although he can still turn and be very nasty occasionally. He usually apologises these days and because I've finally found my own peace and can walk away, I let it go, but it's taken many, many years.
I'm not saying this is the case here but often there's a lot more going on than meets the eye and society is very, very quick to excuse men and blame women.

Tell her.

I used to make jokes at my husbands expense, ive always had a pretty sarcastic sense of humour. But at times I can see it moved to being mean. It was a habit!

A friend one day said "that's a bit mean" and I was mortified. I also value her opinion. I didn't quite realise what a dick I was being until I was pulled up on it.

Im genuinely not being horrible or trying to have a pop here, but have you thought about couples therapy?

I know a couple where one cheated, the one who was cheated on said moving on was only possible after a lot of therapy and forgiveness.

What you're doing right now doesn't make it sound like you're happy.

Or you could have some self respect and leave ! Either forgive him and move on or divorce , hes probably going to fk you off as soon as someone better comes along anyway . as a kid that grew up in this situation it was absolute hell and I moved out at 16 and although I see my parents I don't really have much to do with them .

This is abuse and control. Maybe try to speak to him and ask if he is ok/happy. Men in controlling relationships find it hard to reach out and often think they are worthless due to their partners behaviour. She sounds cruel and if you say something to her, i guess she will only try harder to hide it rather than change her hideous personality traits .

No, he doesn’t deserve you being mean.
He’s done you wrong but that’s in the past. You put that behind you. You might have issues trusting him, but that’s not a reason to be mean. Being mean is abusive. No need for that. If you can’t get past what he did you should divorce him.