Is attraction usually mutual?

[ConfussledbyAccounts]

I like a guy at work. We're both single.
Whenever I'm near him my legs go to jelly, my stomach twists and I feel so turned on.
He looks at me, he smiles and he's always complimentary about how I show up in my role (we don't work in the same team).
He's never inappropriate but I cant help thinking that if I react that strongly to him there must be a mutual chemistry. Or am I deluded?

You really fancy him. That can be one sided. In my experience ( old ) I have known if it was reciprocated, it’s a visceral thing. I’d have made a move if it was.

I think he does but I don't know how I know.
How did you know?

Not always mutual in my experience.

@ConfussledbyAccounts @ConfussledbyAccounts you're reacting this way and your posting about this for one simple reason…he hasn’t made a move.

Who knows why he hasn’t made the move, but he hasn’t. Marjority of the time if a man’s interested, you wouldn’t need to decode signs or try and figure out if he likes you. If he likes you, you’ll know as he’ll make it clear by telling you.

Because he hasn’t, you’re now crushing on him (typically a sign that romance is one sided) and trying to work out if he likes you. Confusion is always a sign someone doesn’t like you in that way

Sorry op but I don’t think he’s into you

Absolutely it's not always mutual!
The number of sleazy men I have has awful interactions with because they believe their interest in me means I must also be interested in them - ugh!!
I think it's important to realise that your own feelings are your own, and in no way say anything meaningful about the internal life of the person you're infatuated with.
If you want to know what's going on for him subjectively then ask him.

Yeah, another one to say no, sorry, your feelings are completely unrelated to his feelings, so you either ask him, and take the risk of rejection (but you're both single, so you may as well ask), or you carry on being confused and waiting.

It's also possible that he might like you but not want to get into anything with someone at work.

I don’t think it’s always mutual… however that does not mean in your instance that it’s not.

There could be any number of things at play here. A) it’s not mutual B) it is but he does not know that you feel the same way C) he likes you but people are worried about work place stuff like this these days D) he may not know that you are 100% single E) He’s shy etc etc

The only way you will find out is by trying to figure out which one this is. Does your work have any social events where you could see if you both naturally gravitate towards each other when it’s not just work chat? Or are you prepared to try and find out in a more direct way without losing face if it’s not mutual?

No it’s not always mutual when you feel a strong chemistry like that. It can be, but just because you feel as strongly as you do, doesn’t mean he does too.

Thanks for the replies. We have a party for Christmas but nothing before then. I think the work piece is important as we're not on the same team although he interacts with lots of depts so might have reservations. Or he might just not like me! I don't have the courage to ask and risk the embarrassment of rejection.
It's helpful to know there's not some magical mutual connection though in other people's experience.

That sounds difficult, if the embarrasment of rejection would be too much. I can see why you'd like to make reciprocity more certain in your mind before you approach him, in your case.
Maybe the Christmas party will allow you some low key opportunity to find out if the feelings are mutual?

IME yes that spark is always mutual and part of it is picking up on those little signals.

Ah yeah not always, I’ve definitely crushed on someone pretty hard who has zero interest in me (argh the pain). Men tend to be pretty direct at making a move if they are interested. There are probably a few out there who are terrified of doing so but he sounds like someone who is reasonably confident so if he’s interested he’ll let you know. You will probably find out either way at the xmas party which is ages away I know.

Of course it’s not always mutual! Where do you think deluded stalkers come from? Believing that just because you fancy someone they must fancy you is foolish and dangerous.

Unless you are married or have a boyfriend he will probably let you know in a variety of ways. Often the spark is mutual though in my experience. Why not just slowly start opening up to him more, smile, make eye contact that sort of thing. Men are very dumb at telling whether women are interested in them so give him a few more signals!

I’m glad someone else said it - IME it’s always been mutual when it’s been the insane kind of chemistry you’re describing.

Life is short. If you are both single what is the harm in putting out some signals and see if he bites?

You don’t need some big declaration but try and get him on his own and ask him some personal questions about his hobbies, interests, holiday plans etc. Neutral topics that won’t make him feel uncomfortable if he isn’t interested but also allows him to engage more and show you whether he enjoys your company. If he seems itching to get away or doesn’t ask questions back you know he’s not into you. If he asks lots of questions/ doesn’t want the conversation to end you could suggest grabbing a coffee sometime. Then leave it to him to make the move. No embarrassment needed. You are just be being friendly and aren’t confessing your undying love.

Also just to add — your physical reaction is probably a sign your body assesses him as compatible in procreating (apparently this is a thing). Women are better at this than men — something to do with it being more important for a woman to find a good partner. He may be picking up on some of it but it’s unlikely he is having the same extreme reaction. Also just because he may be a good physical match for you doesn’t mean emotionally he is your person so try not to get too hung up on the hormones that are controlling your reaction around him. Use your head and don’t ignore red flags!

Yeah of my work crushes where there was that simmering chemistry for a few months, one eventually text me and asked me out, one snogged me on a work night out, and one revealed he was married.

Hopefully he’ll make his move at the Christmas party OP

I'm with an ex colleague the last four years.

He will let you know, make no mistake.

Another voice to add that its sadly not always mutual and I have massively humiliated myself in the past by acting on similar feelings when it wasn't mutual (so un- mutual in fact, he was gay! Oh the shame) so please tread carefully OP! Show him you're interested in subtle ways only and wait for him to make the first move!

You are all so helpful! I feel like I'm 16 again.
I think the initiating more conversations in the meantime while I wait for the Christmas party sounds like a plan.
He's so smiley and friendly but I just think he's one of those really likeable people so I could definitely be reading the signals wrong.
To the poster who said its like a procreation instinct, that really resonated!!
Thank you all so much 💐

That sounds deluded! I’ve met lots of men through work over the years that have let me know they liked me and whilst I might enjoy chatting with them or respect them in their professional capacity, attraction wise, it certainly wasnt mutual.

But wasn’t that just men asking you out? Rather than that spark feeling OP is talking about?

Why not ask him out for a coffee?

No, they didnt ask me out because when I realised that they saw more into our interactions than I did, I made sure to make it clear that the spark wasnt mutual.

All I’m saying is that you can’t possibly come out with a statement that all sparks are always mutual and Op has know way of knowing at this stage whether it is.