How would you respond to this

[FakeAlaska]

New partner of 6 months, we've found each other in our mid 40s. We get on very well and now at the stage of talking about moving in with each other in the near future. It's been quite intense, we talk with each other every day, sometimes for hours in the evening and although this frequency is new for us both, I think we are enjoying the novelty of finding each other and getting along so well.

We've both been really open with each, and I feel like I can talk with them about anything. He's also really open, and we've kinda bonded over our openness with each other.

He's on a bit of a journey with his feelings, in that he says it's the first time he's felt like this about anyone, and that his buttons are being turned on after being something of a robot after being hurt many years ago. I appreciate his way of communicating how he's feeling.

He's got non trauma induced hyper vigilance, and can sometimes feel our conversations really get into the long grass over things that happened in the past , where I've lived, what I've done, etc. He really wants a rich picture. We talk about how different our brains are - I don't find all that historical ground that helpful but he seems to like to build on it.

A realisation for me recently was that I gave him a clear boundary, I would answer general questions about my past in relation to previous relationships, but I wouldn't go into details. I'm bi and he wanted to know what kind of sexual encounters I had with other women but I just didn't want to go there because I could just see a never ending list of questions.

Becuase I gave a clear boundary, his response was that his initial thoughts of having the 'perfect, uninhibited relationship (aka totally open)' was not going to be the case, and instead, he could feel his buttons, being turned off -

I'm a little bit miffed, to say the least that a 45 year old seems to be recalibrating his whole view of a relationship based on my communication of a boundary. It's okay to draw the line, and this still be a healthy relationship",

Part of me feels like he's punishing me for not bearing all. I absolutely need pockets of privacy, of experiences that are just mine, and his intensity to know everything is a little suffocating.

I'm also feeling like I need to pull back a bit and give some oxygen to our 6 months relationship, by suggesting we calm it with the nightly video calls. I'm just feeling like I've been swept up a bit and need to check in with my gut on this one.

Curious, when you introduced a boundary in your relationships, what do you expect?

Buttons being switched on and off? He sounds like a sodding radio!

I think you are right to think he is punishing you for not wanting to talk about your past relationships.

And I think you making your boundary clear at this stage of your relationship and before you moved in together was definitely the right thing to do.

And yes the relationship seems to have moved at an incredibly fast pace if you were both talking about moving in together so soon. So you would be well advised to draw back and reconsider things, especially in the light of his reaction to your entirely reasonable boundary.

"... non trauma induced hyper vigilance ..."

That sounds like a syndrome, i.e. a collection of symptoms rather than an illness with a known cause. I'd be sceptical about that. Google it, at least.

I’d call bullshit on all of it to be honest. “Buttons turned on” and off give me a bloody break😂

Sounds quite manipulative tbf, I don’t mind sharing history and building a rich picture but sexual detail is a whole nother ballgame, and he should have respected your answer

Not to sound like a Debbie downer op but my red flag was...more of a red siren just by 3 paragraphs in.

Like huge neon red lights.

This sounds like a narcissist op. Love bombing, constant contact, oversharing in order to get you to overshare back. Pouting when you put down boundaries. Blaming his distant past more issues he has now. Monologuing.

Talk of moving in together just 6 months in?

Eek.

No op. Sorry but i think you've been swept up by a game player. And now your instincts are kicking in.

Op this sounds really scary to me. Maybe because I've seen it. If you haven't seen it before, these things can feel nice at first.

But no new relationship should include hours of contact every single day. It's creepy. He's creepy.

He sounds like a complete knob to me. Way too much hard work.

He sounds controlling and manipulative. Run!

You are doing the right thing to pull back and give yourself some space . TBH he sounds quite controlling to me- he doesn't get to decide what you disclose about yourself.

I would start saying “ no” a bit more often, even about small things, and watch how reacts.

Seriously op, seriously pull back. He's given you the full narcissist works. And now you'll feel weird not talking to him every night. That's what they do to trap you into a position of not having space to think.

Run. Fast and far.

I just googled it because I've never heard of it. Oh dear. Getting into a relationship with someone who suffers from that is probably not the best idea.

Sorry, OP, but this sounds like one huge red flag.

It doesn’t sound much fun to me.

He sounds like a creep OP. You might want to calm down and not let the oxytocin take over. Or the next thing you know the locks will be off the bathroom door and he'll be sitting on the bath wanting to chat while you take a dump.

Pull it back. You'll see the issues more clearly when he won't let you.

Life's too bloody short to waste on men who sulk at you. Or anyone who sulks at you, unless they're under about 16.

I have two friends with very full on very fast ex boyfriends. Both wanted to “share everything “ particularly about past sexual encounters. At later points in the relationships that information was used against them. Calling them a slag, getting angry because they did something sexually with an ex they wouldn’t do with the new man, making them repeat the stories and then using minor inconsistencies in the retelling to acuse them of lying.

Be careful OP, make sure what you share can’t be weaponised against you.

It sounds like he wanted to get off on hearing about your previous relationships with women. You expressed a clear boundary that you didn’t want to talk about that and now he’s trying to gaslight you into doing what he wants.

That all sounds really worrying and quite scary! There’s no way you should be even considering moving in with him.

Lol 'first time he's felt this way about anyone'. That's the most textbook abuser line ever. It's such nonsense too I mean what does it even mean? That he's emotionally stunned and has got to 45 and never liked anyone else as much as some woman he's barely known 6 months? Wow, he must be as deep as a puddle. It's horseshit!

And it's not even original horseshit.
It's the same love bombing crap they all use to make you feel special so that you'll lower your defenses. But it's not real!

And if it was real, it would be embarrassing for a 45 year old man to say. Because surely he's had long term partners before now. And he honestly what, never liked them? Well that's a red flag don't you think!

This all sounds way too intense and too fast. I agree with the posters saying there are massive red flags.

I would be reconsidering if this is worth continuing and if you do decide to proceed I would slow things down massively.

Red flags too. It's weird wanting to know everything and then being manipulative about your boundaries. Do not move in with him. My button would be turned off, frankly.

Be very careful OP. This is a red flag - you drew a very reasonable boundary and his reaction is not good at all.

Time to slow things down a bit. Things got very intense very quickly and it sounds like you've been caught up in the whirlwind. Maybe put the brakes on moving in together until this has stood the test of time.

Definitely time to step back. I would not be impressed if a new partner tried to manipulate me into telling him details of my past I wasn't comfortable sharing. I think that's a lack of respect. And yes, he wants you to feel guilty for not telling him. Throw back!

OP listen to your gut. I have been the most emotionally swept up person at times, but even my eyes widened as I read each paragraph of your post. Watch out...try a few more boundaries and see what happens.

My gut feeling is that he's doing a number on you OP, all this talk about his own feelings and failing to respect yours. Noone owes anyone a rundown of their sexual history, noone.