How would you respond to this

[FakeAlaska]

New partner of 6 months, we've found each other in our mid 40s. We get on very well and now at the stage of talking about moving in with each other in the near future. It's been quite intense, we talk with each other every day, sometimes for hours in the evening and although this frequency is new for us both, I think we are enjoying the novelty of finding each other and getting along so well.

We've both been really open with each, and I feel like I can talk with them about anything. He's also really open, and we've kinda bonded over our openness with each other.

He's on a bit of a journey with his feelings, in that he says it's the first time he's felt like this about anyone, and that his buttons are being turned on after being something of a robot after being hurt many years ago. I appreciate his way of communicating how he's feeling.

He's got non trauma induced hyper vigilance, and can sometimes feel our conversations really get into the long grass over things that happened in the past , where I've lived, what I've done, etc. He really wants a rich picture. We talk about how different our brains are - I don't find all that historical ground that helpful but he seems to like to build on it.

A realisation for me recently was that I gave him a clear boundary, I would answer general questions about my past in relation to previous relationships, but I wouldn't go into details. I'm bi and he wanted to know what kind of sexual encounters I had with other women but I just didn't want to go there because I could just see a never ending list of questions.

Becuase I gave a clear boundary, his response was that his initial thoughts of having the 'perfect, uninhibited relationship (aka totally open)' was not going to be the case, and instead, he could feel his buttons, being turned off -

I'm a little bit miffed, to say the least that a 45 year old seems to be recalibrating his whole view of a relationship based on my communication of a boundary. It's okay to draw the line, and this still be a healthy relationship",

Part of me feels like he's punishing me for not bearing all. I absolutely need pockets of privacy, of experiences that are just mine, and his intensity to know everything is a little suffocating.

I'm also feeling like I need to pull back a bit and give some oxygen to our 6 months relationship, by suggesting we calm it with the nightly video calls. I'm just feeling like I've been swept up a bit and need to check in with my gut on this one.

Curious, when you introduced a boundary in your relationships, what do you expect?

God he sounds hard work

@FakeAlaska

The response to "he could feel his buttons, being turned off" would be, "such a shame as I thought things were going well, never mind, wishing you all the best"

Don't settle @FakeAlaska, even his turn of phrase is slightly bizarre.

eta; moving in talk, after just 6 months is also rather premature (does he live with his parents?)

Yeah it strikes me as a bad relationship. Are you being subtly love bombed...

I agree with @Sodthesystemit struck me as alarm bells as he could be looking to glean all of this information for you . To possibly use against you I a narcissistic way at a later date. Could be wrong!

He sounds like a dick. Wtf is ‘non trauma induced hyper vigilance? ‘

You’re being manipulated, op. Watch out. Sounds totally dodgy.

Not very subtle, the lovebombing.

Good god. How can you bear it? He sounds like one great big self-indulgent yawn fest.

And he’s trying to tread over your boundaries.

And what’s with the hours-long phone calls? What a bore. Get your life back!

I would respond by putting (a lot of) space between me and him. And take time away from him to think.

Well he’s trying to push through your (clear ) boundary. Using manipulation. That has to be an instant no? Otherwise you don’t have boundaries…

He sounds exhausting and very hard work! He should be led by you as to how much you want to share and respect what you don't. He certainly shouldn't be quizzing you about all aspects of your past in the name of 'openness' - in my experience men like this are controlling and will use what they know about your past in arguments against you.

I would slow this relationship rightly down and hold your boundaries firmly. If he can't handle the change of pace and you having boundaries, then he is showing you who he really is when he doesn't get his way.

Journey with his feelings, buttons on and off, not respecting boundaries, non-trauma induced hyper vigilance! Lots of giant waving red flags. This isn't going to end well. Run far and fast, but whatever you do, please don't move in with this man. There are guys out there who have reached journey's end in terms of discovering who they are by their mid- 40s and don't need every detail of their partner's life to have their buttons turned on!

He thinks you are his therapist doesn't he?

Sounds like a controlling nut case! What happened in your past is non of his business. V insecure. I’d leave him
asap

Your sexual history is none of his business. Plus the hyper vigilance sounds like an excuse for being a controlling knob! I’m getting second hand ick from your post.

You already know why this conversation made you feel uncomfortable. He’s doing what millions of men out there do, he’s asking questions about your experiences with women because he’s getting off on it. It’s disgusting. I bet he doesn’t ask for the same amount of sexual details about your relationships with men does he? You’re bi, surely he’s not the first guy to do this to you?

It sounds to me like the start of controlling / jealous behaviour. And definitely like love bombing. It also all sounds so tediously intensely hard work.

IT’S ALSO FAR TOO EARLY TO BE MOVING IN TOGETHER. Yes, I’m shouting.

He sounds the type that will completely dominate your life and make you miserable, especially if you don't toe the line.
It's a big fat nope from me.

He sounds really creepy

@FakeAlaska massive red flag .
Id end it and not look back . Pushing your boundaries and playing games with pretend buttons going on and off .

He wants to know it all about you and he will use it against you .
Id bet he’s a jealous twat pretending to be cool .Or if you have done that then why can’t we do it.
Could have the makings of a carcasses .

Sounds more like he’s studying you and data gathering than being open. And it’s far too soon to be talking about moving in.

non trauma induced hyper vigilance

Has this been formally diagnosed? Because it sounds like some made up term to create an appropriate pigeon hole, or to excuse a paranoid, controlling partner.

You need to get him to reframe this situation in his mind - the problem is not that you've created a boundary and not been compliant, the problem is that he shouldn't be asking for intimate detail on past partners/relationships. He needs to understand that everyone has a past, and that's where it should stay, there's rarely anything good that could come if it, but a good chance of there being bad - insecurity, jealousy etc.

On the other hand, maybe the bi aspect is clouding his judgement a bit and he's just trying to get a better idea of your relationships with other women. Unless he's pressing your for details on your previous male partners too?

Sounds like a textbook common or garden love bombing narcissistic manipulative abuser imo.

He’s not just a red flag he’s a whole parade of more red flags than a communist party rally.

He sounds REALLY fucking annoying and quite possibly some sort of Narc
Back away at speed

The hyper vigilance is a fancy way of saying that he wants complete control over your life. You'll start losing friends soon, if he doesn't like them - and he won't like them, because you do.

He wants all of the details of your sexual history to use as ammunition in every future row.