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Original poster

Am I being paranoid

70 replies

MoodyBlues1 · 22/09/2025 14:44

So there is a single woman who has started to socialise with us as a group. When I first met her she would blank me and only talk to my partner, eventually she started to talk to me, so I let it slide. In the past few weeks she seems to be paying a lot attention to him. She turned up my house for partners birthday bash, I had no idea he had invited her. He has agreed to work at her house ( payed of course) last week he was at hers for 2 hours, to fix something, and I didn't say anything.

Anyway fast forward this weekend and we are at dinner party and a mutual friend told me that this woman has been coming to her house frequently whilst my partner working on her house. That she had brought pasties down. She told me quite a lot and a couple of people were in on the conversation and saw I was upset. Partner left and I stayed at my friends as did not want to talk about this after a few drinks.
When I got home yesterday morning we ended up having a huge row and I told him what I had been told. He went absolutely mental and the row was not good and we both said stupid things. He then went to the friends house to confront her and came back to say she had not said anything. Which I know is a lie.

This all feels wrong and I don't think it is physical but I needed assurance nothing was going on but he didn't, he now working at hers all week, even though I asked him not to.. He has moved out and said will not come back unitl I apologise. He is calling me paranoid and jealous and controlling. Am I? I really am not thinking straight. Some thoughts please.

OP posts:
Spyship · 22/09/2025 14:59

No you aren't being paranoid.
And his reaction confirms you aren't being paranoid. He should have been reassuring you about his relationship with this woman and he should have told her he wasn't available to do the work at her house.
Very convenient for him that he has moved out the very week he is already spending his working time with this woman.
Do you have children together OP?

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 22/09/2025 15:15

No children together. I thought it was a very odd way to act. He was caught out a couple of years ago, taking a woman to his hotel room and sending each other saucy messages, when I confronted him he called me paranoid and he was innocent unfortunately for him I took screen shots.

OP posts:
ThreePears · 22/09/2025 15:22

Don't apologise. Especially not if he says he won't come back until you do. You're not in the wrong - he is, and he's had his head turned. Nobody likes getting caught out and that's why he got so angry with you.

Let him stew in his own juice until he realises he's been a twat and decides to 'forgive you' anyway and come back. At which point you can decide whether you want him back or not.

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 22/09/2025 16:58

I really struggle understanding his thought process. To be shouting and getting aggressive just makes you look guilty. What am I supposed to be apologising for.

OP posts:
NebulousSadTimes · 22/09/2025 17:38

What am I supposed to be apologising for.

Your reaction to his behaviour. It is he who should be apologising to you and trying to allay your doubts but, no, he's reacting aggressively to being called out on his actions. That's very telling.

I'm not surprised to read he's done it before. They rarely change.

He has moved out and said will not come back unitl I apologise.

How convenient for him to be 'free' to do what he wants with whom he wants.

What's the bet if you do apologise and ask him to come back he'll say he'll need to think about it, because he'll be having fun with the other one. When things go tits up with her he'll decide he's forgiven you.

Be grateful the trash has taken itself out and keep strong Flowers

GarlicPint · 22/09/2025 17:59

I'm sorry you didn't find out about this 'cleanly' but, regrettably, it's usually the way. Of course you are not being paranoid, unreasonable, insecure or whatever else he predictably throws at you! His interest isn't focused on you now; it's on the other woman. He's annoyed with you for not retreating conveniently to the out-of-the-way shelf he's placed you on while experimenting with his new toy.

You could move yourself to the back of his emotional cupboard while waiting to see if he gets bored with Ms Newthing. This is only recommended in extreme circumstances, though, and it always hurts. It's really best to take this as the end of the relationship. He picked a fight with you to justify moving on, with no care for your feelings. You deserve better. Chuck his stuff out.

I'm glad to hear you have such good friends!

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 09:49

To be honest I don't think it a an affair, I think she is being extra nice so she can get her work done at a good rate. And he is like a dog with 2 tails. He is actually moved into his caravan in the garden, so not sleeping here. Rocked up last night and came into the house and said "what's going on" how very. I odd. I said would talk to him but I am not going to be shouted at and he isn't going to use this place as hotel. Apparently there is nothing to talk about and I'm paranoid and bonkers so I told him to leave. Again I cant get my heard around his thought process.

OP posts:
NebulousSadTimes · 23/09/2025 10:49

To be honest I don't think it a an affair, I think she is being extra nice so she can get her work done at a good rate. And he is like a dog with 2 tails

More fool him for thinking with his dick then.

She is irrelevant to you in this scenario. He's enjoying the attention/flattery/flirting and hopes to get at least a fuck out of it. Meantime, he is trying to make you think you are being unreasonable and stating you are crazy so he feels justified in looking elsewhere for his 'affection'. He is following the cheaters' handbook to the letter.

Well done for telling him to leave. It's bloody hard and not something you should be going through but you've done the right thing Flowers

BuckChuckets · 23/09/2025 10:55

MoodyBlues1 · 22/09/2025 15:15

No children together. I thought it was a very odd way to act. He was caught out a couple of years ago, taking a woman to his hotel room and sending each other saucy messages, when I confronted him he called me paranoid and he was innocent unfortunately for him I took screen shots.

So he knows he can get away with it, hence he's going it again.

IsawwhatIsaw · 23/09/2025 11:05

So h cheated before and you accepted it.
he is cheating again

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 11:20

NebulousSadTimes
That's about the sum of it. I've even had the "I feel sorry for her" because we are horrible to her which is absolute rubbish. She has sat with us many nights we no issues. After our row on Sunday I asked his not to work at hers this week as there loads of other jobs he could do but he refused to as far as I am concerned she is more important than me.

OP posts:
NebulousSadTimes · 23/09/2025 11:38

That's it @MoodyBlues1. She's shiny and new, you're the one holding him back, causing him grief, stifling his style, whatever BS he can think up. Let him scuttle off to work his mediocre magic on whatever job she wants doing on the cheap and let them both reap the rewards of their arseholery.

You though, need to black bag the shit he's left behind and leave it out in the rain so he doesn't have to trouble himself with interacting with you. Then you can play that music he doesn't like, dance like no-one is watching (when you're ready Flowers), eat the food he turns his nose up at, watch the programmes he huffs through, sleep starfishlike and enjoy making your own decisions just for you, without any attempted headfuckery Flowers

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 11:59

your post made me laugh NebulousSadTimes

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 23/09/2025 12:05

IsawwhatIsaw · 23/09/2025 11:05

So h cheated before and you accepted it.
he is cheating again

Agree with this. He’s cheated before with no consequences and so he’s doing it again knowing in his head you’ll forgive him again.

It’s irrelevant what he’d motivation is, this is on him having his head turned. And if you let this go there’ll be another one along before long

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 12:50

You are right, IsawwhatIsaw,
He has no respect for me, he should have listened to my concerns about her, not shout at me call me mad I was told many things by my friend. She did say she did not think it was physical. I don't know what to think. AIBU to expect him, not to work there this week. He really does have loads of other jobs he could have taken on.

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 23/09/2025 13:00

He sounds horrible OP!
How can anyone love someone who speaks and treats them like that...no way.
Ducks in a row, solicitor, and let him get on with it.
You gave him a second chance. And he blew it.
Dignity at all times now.

Baggyit · 23/09/2025 13:05

He is a nasty abusive twat whom you know has form for cheating.
He was cheating in that hotel messaging other women.
He is shouting you down and aggressive to shut you up.
This is an abusive relationship and sadly your bar is veryblow that you have accepted this.

Is the house yours?
Keep your keys in the door and tell him its over.

Whether he is actively cheating isn't the issue.
Its his complete lack of respect for you and his aggressive abuse of you is the issue.

Thank god you don't have children with this loser.

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 13:13

He is not treating me well, I know that. The house is mine but he has an awful lot of stuff here. I hope he will be civilised.. He actually now denies messaging another woman and ogling her tits. I have solid evidence as I have the screen shots. How can he deny it. Maybe I am being paranoid but for good reason I think.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 23/09/2025 13:19

So it’s your house. Does he contribute his fair share financially and domestically?

No you’re not paranoid, he’s an abusive gaslighting lying piece of shit

Rhaidimiddim · 23/09/2025 13:24

MoodyBlues1 · 22/09/2025 15:15

No children together. I thought it was a very odd way to act. He was caught out a couple of years ago, taking a woman to his hotel room and sending each other saucy messages, when I confronted him he called me paranoid and he was innocent unfortunately for him I took screen shots.

So he's a liar and a cheat.
The simplest explanation now is that he is cheating, or about to, and lying about it.
And if he's not, and everything is innocent, why is he rowing with you and your friend, rather that taking actions that would reassure you?

IsawwhatIsaw · 23/09/2025 13:28

Do you have support in real life? Friend/ family.
the bottom line is you cannot trust him.he is a liar and a cheat. That’s all you need to know really. So the question is - what will you do?

Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 13:41

I do have a couple of friends here but I really don't want to burden them, its not fair. . Hence reaching out here. I just feel so disappointed in him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 16:47

Well my friend who told me about the carrying ons has just popped in for a cuppa and she and I are good. I was a bit worried she had got dragged into this. Just confirmed that she told me on Saturday and has she has said things are not looking good, He is lying through his teeth.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 23/09/2025 17:32

MoodyBlues1 · 23/09/2025 16:47

Well my friend who told me about the carrying ons has just popped in for a cuppa and she and I are good. I was a bit worried she had got dragged into this. Just confirmed that she told me on Saturday and has she has said things are not looking good, He is lying through his teeth.

Bloody hell op, what a plonker, bang to rights

GarlicPint · 24/09/2025 02:12

Ugh, it's horrible going through this. Such big changes. It's hard to let go of a commitment to make a relationship work Flowers You're doing okay, though.

You've finally realised where his priorities lie (clue: thinking with his dick brain!) and, I hope, that you deserve better. Hell, you can provide better for yourself. If another man who fully appreciates you should happen along in the future, all to the good but, for the moment, your life will feel so much lighter and more free without this emotional millstone on your shoulders.

You've got good friends who care about you. This says a load of good things about the person you are, and they'll shore you up as needed. Take your freedom, and enjoy it!

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