Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i being a bad friend

65 replies

Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 08:52

Hello everyone

This is my first topic and I am really hoping for some advice, whether or not I am being unreasonable.

Me and my ex broke up last April, because we work together and this interfered too much. We are still very best friends and I am thankful for that. My ex doesnt have many friends and is really insecure but also doesnt see that he looks good, so he gets loads of attention from women.

Now comes the weird part. During our relationship there was a woman, who is married, in the gym who obviously hit on him but he didn't see it... I warned him and last May she went by his house and told him she is in love with him. I was really sad about that because we just broke up and it was clear my ex didnt do ANYTHING to keep her abay during our relationship because "she doesnt make a clear move". She is the "hot girl". Eventually they became friends and he describes her as a friend ( he dislikes almost everyting about her but still he thinks they are friends). But, she is married and is cheating on her husband ( she makes moves, touches him, etcetc). And she hates me because she want to be with him but he is my best friend so she knows I am in the way.

I think it's crazy to be friends with a married woman who cheats on her husband, hates me (he supposedly best friend) and interfered in our relationship back then. The more i think about it the more i think its ridiculous. She came by to wish him a good vacation and they chatted on the couch and she again made physical moves on him, he told me. We are talking about maybe coming back together when 1 of us has another job but with her in his life i really dont want that. And as a friend i am not comfortable with knowing my friend is meeting with a cheating woman and thinking she is his friend. So does this story sound like i am overreacting? I really don't know anymore so any advice would be great

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 09:02

well you say he doesn’t have many friends and is insecure so it’s probably nice for him being pursued, and as he’s single now, he’s free to enjoy that. Her marriage is her own business and he’s not actually doing anything with her to cross the line by the sounds of it. Sounds more like he’s happy to be friends with women he’s been out with like you, and women who fancy him like her, and the factors you think should be important aren’t a factor to him. It’s impossible for you to be objective with all your history and will probably come over as jealousy if you try to control who he’s friends with. If you want to stay friends with him, which it sounds like you do, I’d try to minimise thinking or talking about her and enjoy your friendship independent of what else he’s up to with her.

TeenLifeMum · 22/09/2025 09:04

You need to back off. He’s not yours and he's a grown adult so can make his own choices.

Enrichetta · 22/09/2025 09:07

Take a huge step back and focus on your own life rather than his.

Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 09:12

Thank you so much for the advice! I know he has his own life, but how do I deal with his lack of understanding for me. And the fact she tried to take him from me, and the fact that he is friends with somebody that hates me. Isn't that something I could be sad about? He didn't do anything to protect our relationship and became so close to her that it ruined us. I am just so mad at him for not protecting our relationship back then. And now he is friends with somebody who cheats on her husband with him, he lets her in his house etc. I just don't get it, but maybe you are right and I shouldn't think about her and what he does with this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 09:14

Enrichetta · 22/09/2025 09:07

Take a huge step back and focus on your own life rather than his.

Yes i think that would be best, because it hurts me every time. And he says he's friends with her, but he doesn't like what she does, he thinks the cheating is wrong, she dresses not modeslty. So I dont get it. Of it was the other way around I am sure he would end the friendship

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 09:36

Why should she dress modestly? You're getting a bit weird about her now and it's clearly all clouded by the fact that you're not just friends, you're exes and have all that emotional baggage. If it's bothering you this much who he hangs out with, you probably have to do what most exes do and move on, not pretend to be best friends when it's more than that and will always be an issue.

As for your other questions:

Thank you so much for the advice! I know he has his own life, but how do I deal with his lack of understanding for me. And the fact she tried to take him from me, and the fact that he is friends with somebody that hates me. Isn't that something I could be sad about?

She hates you. You hate her. You're fighting over him and he's loving it, course he is. You can't stand her because she tried to take him from you. It didn't work back then, so you can't have any beef about that, that's water under the bridge. Now he's single, it's nothing to do with you what they do and I think you're only making a big deal of her 'cheating' because you hate her anyway and think it gives you the moral highground. If he was seeing someone totally unconnected who was cheating, you'd be way less invested. Also it doesn't sound like they're up to anything so she's not technically cheating, even if she wants to. So again, you're blowing it up into this big deal because you still think he's yours in a way.

You can be sad, that's entirely up to you, but you can't visit it on him and tell him who he can be friends with. Either be his friend or don't but expecting him to cut her off is beyond the realms of what friends expect of each other. But again, I think you're kidding yourself with the friends thing and probably it needs to evolve one way or another.

noidea69 · 22/09/2025 10:06

Give over, you cant control who is friends with, just as much as you cant control who he is dating.

He might be enjoying the attention, and if so, good for him. He's a single guy.

He could meet the nicest, kindest, sweetest single lady, and you would still be against her as it means you wouldnt be his number 1.

shhblackbag · 22/09/2025 10:09

Nah, OP. Leave the man be. It's nothing to do with you who he's friends with at this point. And nothing at all to do with you how she dresses. Stop thinking you have a say.

Spyship · 22/09/2025 10:11

You seem quite obsessed with this woman. If she cheats on her H , and how she dresses and behaves is really not your business. And if you are no longer in a relationship with him then what your ex does or doesn't do with her is not your business either.

But I think that if you feel he has been disloyal to you by not standing up for you both when you were in a relationship and now in your friendship, then I think you should take a step back from your dmfriendship with him.

You seem to be quite perceptive about how he relates to women and I think to even consider rekindling your relationship at a future date would be madness and would cause you nothing but insecurity and unhappiness.

I think you should distance yourself from him and let him get on with his life while you carve out a different life with different people who will enhance it rather be a negative in it.

Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 10:39

Thank you all so very much! Maybe I am making a big deal out of this, and I don't think I will ever get understanding or clarity from him. I asked him several times; didn't it bother you that she interfered in our relationship? And all he says is, she didn't. But she made moves, so clearly she did interfere and the not understanding or trying to understand how I felt bothers me. But you're all right, I need to focus on my own life. (The modest dressing isn't my opinion fortunately, it's his. He dislikes that about her, and almost anything else about her)

I think the future might not hold anything for us, because the 2 years we were together all I did was being sad and frustrated that he is all over every woman that comes by and thinks it strange that I don't like him being so close to literally every woman that talks to him. So all your reactions made me realize this, thank you for that!! And sorry for the long stories, I can't discuss it anywhere else and this really helps to see some perspective

O one more question, sometimes we hang out, play games etc, or grab something to eat. We still give a kiss om the lips, it's just grown that way. Maybe I should stop that too, because this give the idea there is something more. And he shouldn't talk like; it's a good thing you are this and that, cause I love that. You look good in that jeans. If we were in a hotel I know what would happen. That really messes with my mind

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 10:52

You are so not just friends with him and probably can't be, not truly. He had poor boundaries with other women when you were together and he has them with you now. This is who he is and it's going to drive you bananas. Stop trying to control it - you couldn't when you were a couple and you sure as heck can't now. This is who he is and he'll never change. If you can handle that, stay 'friends' with him. If not, do yourself a favour and cut the cord. Kissing exes in hotel rooms is easily as dodgy as the things you're accusing this other woman of and the common factor is him. He sounds a hypocrite with his views on modesty too, while he enjoys these disapproved women making moves on him. In fact his whole schtick about being so insecure comes off as an excuse so you all put up with him.

Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 10:54

O and this woman wasn't at the gym for a vacation so he literally said, o I don't get any validation right now and I need it. So he asked me to give him validation. He's really complex and never got any love from his parents but im not some kind of backup right when this other woman isnt there

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 10:57

pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 10:52

You are so not just friends with him and probably can't be, not truly. He had poor boundaries with other women when you were together and he has them with you now. This is who he is and it's going to drive you bananas. Stop trying to control it - you couldn't when you were a couple and you sure as heck can't now. This is who he is and he'll never change. If you can handle that, stay 'friends' with him. If not, do yourself a favour and cut the cord. Kissing exes in hotel rooms is easily as dodgy as the things you're accusing this other woman of and the common factor is him. He sounds a hypocrite with his views on modesty too, while he enjoys these disapproved women making moves on him. In fact his whole schtick about being so insecure comes off as an excuse so you all put up with him.

Yes thats exactly what i dont get. He disapproves everything about her. But calls her his friend. When she was gone he turned to me. And stupid me thought, o maybe he likes me more than i thought. But he just didnt get the validation he needed i guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:02

He needs to either choose me as a whole and cut off every other woman. Or don't but don't kiss me, say I look got, and saying other things that make me think there maybe still is a future.

OP posts:
Charredtea · 22/09/2025 11:03

I feel for you. I wrote a similar post last night. Bring with a man who needs validation from other people/ women is so stressful and exhausting, especially when it’s a woman who knows this and knows how to play it so that she has less assertive / passive men eating out of her hands.
I chose to walk away completely because as much as I still love him and he loves me and I hoped we could salvage a friendship, I can’t cope with her game playing, his passivity and what I perceive to be his disloyalty when we were still in the relationship

Epidote · 22/09/2025 11:05

Fade the friendship with him and move on. He either doesn't get it or is playing both of you. Either is bad for you because you don't need the drama of the queen bee attempts on him etc

Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:05

When he stopped by and i don't give him a kiss right away. He says ( in a playful way), hey don't I get a kiss. But maybe I should stop doing that

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:09

Charredtea · 22/09/2025 11:03

I feel for you. I wrote a similar post last night. Bring with a man who needs validation from other people/ women is so stressful and exhausting, especially when it’s a woman who knows this and knows how to play it so that she has less assertive / passive men eating out of her hands.
I chose to walk away completely because as much as I still love him and he loves me and I hoped we could salvage a friendship, I can’t cope with her game playing, his passivity and what I perceive to be his disloyalty when we were still in the relationship

O I will check your post, seems quite similar indeed. It's really a struggle, getting signs, but noy being with someone. And because of that I don't have any say in what he's doing, but the signals coming from him are confusing

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 22/09/2025 11:11

Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:02

He needs to either choose me as a whole and cut off every other woman. Or don't but don't kiss me, say I look got, and saying other things that make me think there maybe still is a future.

YABU. He can’t “cut off every other woman”. He obviously has issues / insecurities but isn’t willing / able to do anything about it. For whatever reason, you aren’t enough for him, he needs attention from other females. To be honest, his self-esteem must be rock-bottom if he’s fine to be involved with a woman cheating on her husband.

Walk away from him. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and values you. This isn’t him.

ChristmasFluff · 22/09/2025 11:19

This isn't a friendship. you want him to be your boyfriend again, and he wants to have his cake and eat it.

You cannot be friends until your emotions about the relationship have resolved and neither of you wants anything more than friendship - and that usually takes a good 10 years.

He's not going to get back together with you if it involves giving up this woman, or any others. He simply doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for him - and that's why you were unhappy during the relationship.

And yes, he absolutely does see when women come on to him, but he pretends not to, because then he can get away with these flirty friendships and stay in his relationship.

You were right to end things with him, but it's WAY too soon to be friends. And once you have healed from the break-up you'll see him for who he really is and will be unlikely to want to be friends.

Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:24

HundredMilesAnHour · 22/09/2025 11:11

YABU. He can’t “cut off every other woman”. He obviously has issues / insecurities but isn’t willing / able to do anything about it. For whatever reason, you aren’t enough for him, he needs attention from other females. To be honest, his self-esteem must be rock-bottom if he’s fine to be involved with a woman cheating on her husband.

Walk away from him. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and values you. This isn’t him.

Show quote history

Thank you, and the rest of you also ofcourse, really appreciated. That's the problem and he's said that so many times; He is deeply insecure, didn't get any comfort while growing up so doesn't think he's worth anything. And I try to say, you're great, you're doing fine etc etc. But still if he doesn't get the validation he gets nervous or something idk? He also think he's ugly, but is clearly not. Even in the beginning of our relationship, of a woman walked by he said; oe that one liked me, did you see that, did you see her check me out? Red flag, but ofcourse i didn't see it back then. And now this lady in the gym fills the void, and when she's not around I get the attention (to make me validate him or something). And im sure within 2 weeks this goes by.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 11:27

He's not going to choose you and cut the others off. You already tried that. Madness to keep at it now it's over. He'll never change, and he's not that complex or fascinating. He's a guy who needs multiple women fawning over him. Don't fall for it or that "where's my kiss" bullshit. Friends don't kiss like that. The more drama you make about this woman, the more he's loving it. I'm sorry, but you need to face it - he's not a friend, he's an ex who's messing with you and you're way too enmeshed. If you keep on with him, then you're as hooked on the unhealthy dynamic as he is and only going to get hurt.

Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:32

pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 11:27

He's not going to choose you and cut the others off. You already tried that. Madness to keep at it now it's over. He'll never change, and he's not that complex or fascinating. He's a guy who needs multiple women fawning over him. Don't fall for it or that "where's my kiss" bullshit. Friends don't kiss like that. The more drama you make about this woman, the more he's loving it. I'm sorry, but you need to face it - he's not a friend, he's an ex who's messing with you and you're way too enmeshed. If you keep on with him, then you're as hooked on the unhealthy dynamic as he is and only going to get hurt.

Yes thats true, this is exactly what my gut feeling says. If he doesn't want to be with me, why the kiss. Why the compliments. I just get torn between "maybe it could work" and "if he likes me so much why doesn't he choose me" but I have my answers but I couldn't see it clearly

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:34

And can you imagine that when we broke up and before that, he already considered trying it with her, if she was single. That's so crazy. Like, he thought about, would it work with her? O no because xyz. And last week he said, I would've already got in bed with her, but us spending time and being so close made me not do that.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 22/09/2025 11:36

Sunshine19811 · 22/09/2025 11:32

Yes thats true, this is exactly what my gut feeling says. If he doesn't want to be with me, why the kiss. Why the compliments. I just get torn between "maybe it could work" and "if he likes me so much why doesn't he choose me" but I have my answers but I couldn't see it clearly

Show quote history

He likes kisses and compliments, that's why. And he likes them from as many women as possible, that's why he doesn't want to be solely with you. He doesn't want to choose and will always piss you about, as long as you let him. You can't stop him acting this way. All you can do is stop being around him and feeding his ego. He'll try to reel you back in no doubt, to keep the validation going, but it's never going to be what you want. Glad you're realising that and can hopefully move on to someone who's compatible. This guy's past is not your problem and he'll only mess you up if you hang on in there hoping he'll change his ways.