Am i being a bad friend

[Sunshine19811]

Hello everyone

This is my first topic and I am really hoping for some advice, whether or not I am being unreasonable.

Me and my ex broke up last April, because we work together and this interfered too much. We are still very best friends and I am thankful for that. My ex doesnt have many friends and is really insecure but also doesnt see that he looks good, so he gets loads of attention from women.

Now comes the weird part. During our relationship there was a woman, who is married, in the gym who obviously hit on him but he didn't see it... I warned him and last May she went by his house and told him she is in love with him. I was really sad about that because we just broke up and it was clear my ex didnt do ANYTHING to keep her abay during our relationship because "she doesnt make a clear move". She is the "hot girl". Eventually they became friends and he describes her as a friend ( he dislikes almost everyting about her but still he thinks they are friends). But, she is married and is cheating on her husband ( she makes moves, touches him, etcetc). And she hates me because she want to be with him but he is my best friend so she knows I am in the way.

I think it's crazy to be friends with a married woman who cheats on her husband, hates me (he supposedly best friend) and interfered in our relationship back then. The more i think about it the more i think its ridiculous. She came by to wish him a good vacation and they chatted on the couch and she again made physical moves on him, he told me. We are talking about maybe coming back together when 1 of us has another job but with her in his life i really dont want that. And as a friend i am not comfortable with knowing my friend is meeting with a cheating woman and thinking she is his friend. So does this story sound like i am overreacting? I really don't know anymore so any advice would be great

No wonder he's hardly got any friends if he judges women on the way they dress. Kindly, why are you so we obsessed with him?

Honestly, OP, trying to keep him as a friend - especially a very best friend - is just an ongoing act of emotional self-harm. You’re not over him and your closeness to him will prevent you moving on. In your first post, you suggested that you split up because you work together but that doesn’t really appear to be true. I met my DH at work and know many other couples who met at work - it can work. You split up because you didn’t feel emotionally safe with him - and rightly so, it seems.

You need space from him. To feel peace, you need to completely let him and the friendship go. It may make sense to find another job so you’re no longer in his orbit.

I am not sure, he has some kind of thing that makes me want to be with him. He has had several girlfriends and literally every woman thinks he's great etc. But he has a real rough side to him, which I thought I could soften

Wow this is exactly what I've been telling him. He is pretty controlling and we got into way too much fights because I am more of an observer in stead of doing thing immediately. And the problem was that he didn't felt the need to go out after work because he saw me already so many hours. But in my heart I know I don't feel safe, I dont feel like I can relax because of him always looking at other women, liking the fact he gets attention and women touching him. Lol, this last thing is something we got into an argument over (when we were together). That it's fine other woman touch him, but him telling me and loving it, is so wrong. And who do you think he discussed our fight with, the married woman in the gym... thanks for that, discussing our private problems with a married woman who is in love with you.

Thank you everone for al the comments. I feel so much better. I needed some input to organize my thoughts. I think I can work on processing everything now. I am glad I'm not paranoid and my feelings are rightful, because he doesn't seem to think so and waves everything away. If there are any more tips or thoughts please share because this has helped me tremendously

Just stop listening to him, withdraw and don't get sucked in. It says a lot that you started this thread thinking it was about you being a bad friend. Hopefully it's reframed now so you that see this 'friendship' for what it is and move on from it.

This is a guy writing this, right?

No I'm a woman, but what makes you think it's a guy? Because it's a real story and now it makes me think this whole thing/friendship is so weird that it makes people think a guy writing this topic. I am probably way too involved and sacked into this mess. It is a mess, my ex is still best friends with me, kisses me on the lips, complements me. But also has a woman friend who is married (and hit on my ex while we were together and she knew that)and in love with him and cheats on her husband by telling my ex she loves him, touches him inappropriately and doesn't want to hear if me and my ex hung cause because in his words "that makes her kranky". It's like a freaking bad soap opera and im losing sleep over it. It's insane and has to stop!

Either get back together and accept that he likes other women and is all over them or cut the cord. You're not his friend, you're an ex who still has romantic interest in him.

If hes your friend you arent his morals monitor. He can be friends, even sexy friends with whoever he likes and you cant dictate otherwise.

If you want him, do something about it.

But atm what you are to each other is too much and not enough

Her telling him she’s in love with him is bizarre if she’s married. However you are no longer with him so he’s well within his right.
do you still have feelings for him?

unfortunately your moral compass doesn’t extend onto him

God - he sounds like a bloody teenager!

Most people who are physically attractive - and I was very pretty in my youth - go through a phase when they suddenly realise that quite a lot of people fancy them and get a bit addicted to the power and the validation. I know I did. But for most of us it gets very boring very quickly and we then remember to actually have a personality.

He seems to be stuck in that very silly phase.

Hills are that way. Run!

OP you are only being a bad friend to yourself. This dysfunctional friendship isn’t allowing you to recover from the relationship. Be a better friend to yourself and stop hanging around with your ex 🫶

“Left · Today 20:00

OP you are only being a bad friend to yourself. This dysfunctional friendship isn’t allowing you to recover from the relationship. Be a better friend to yourself and stop hanging around with your ex 🫶”

This with bells on, OP. You just need to completely detach from him because the ongoing contact is hurting you. I don’t know if another job is a possibility but, in your shoes, that’s what i’d be going for.

You are clearly in love with him so I presume he broke up with you?

Forgetting about the other woman for a moment, Do you actually think there is a chance that the two of you will get back together?

You’re not just friends, he’s your ex and you want him back. I agree the ethics of the situation are murky but you wouldn’t be happy with him dating anyone whereas he’s happy as Larry with two women fighting over him. Being friends with an ex is always tricky and definitely doesn’t work if you’re still carrying a torch for him. Either back off completely or have a proper conversation about getting back together. Inhabiting this grey area will torture you.

Hello!! Thank you for all your kind and honest replies, it is really heart warming. You are right, I am probably still too hung up on him. Partly my fault ofcourse, but he doesn't seem to want to be just a friend. Why asking for a kiss, why complimenting me, why asking me for validation when she's on vacation, why the "i would know what would happen if we were in a hotel". Also every "life question" he has we discuss, I help him with work, with other stuff that happens in his life. And that makes the connection too strong. That was my conclusion last night; because I am too involved and I really do care about him, I can't shake this "other woman thing". If he were just an acquaintance I wouldn't bother, but what we share is too much not to be bothered by it. He really hurt me me letting her come way too close when we were together. And up until this day he doesn't seem to get how much it hurt me. And how much it hurts that he is so close with her, even if she hates me. We share everything, he calls me his best friend so I dont get why he isn't mad at her for hating me. She was the one doing something wrong, not me. He also doesn't like if people stop by unannounced. He would be mad if I did it "because you know that I don't like it, she doesn't". And she gets to stop by and he doesn't even fling. And the weird part is, he once said, "i would be very sad of i didn't see her again". I was flabbergasted because he thinks this married woman who is cheating on her husband and hates me is his friend. Doesn't he see how rude that is to me? And to her husband. I can't get over it.

So my point is, what you are all saying; either we get back together and he cuts her off, because she won't stop pursuing until he caves. Or I step back a lot, because this Grey area is indeed not good for me. It's destroying me mentally because I feel so bad and he doesn't seem to get or understand how I feel. And i know I don't have any saying in who he hangs out with,but with the degree of closeness we still have (also from his side) that's an impossible fight for me.

From my side it could have worked, but he didn't want to ruin our friendship of we got into too much fights at work. Thinking about it, when we finally broke up he was also thinking about how it would be with this other woman. So maybe the "we work together" was just an excuse. Anyway, long story short. I am going to talk to him because you mental health is also important😊

either we get back together and he cuts her off, because she won't stop pursuing until he caves

Well you know that's not going to work. You already tried it and it's not in his nature. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to believe who he is not who you want him to be. So you have to cut him off or you're just as bad as him for caving into people who are no good for you.

Maybe it is who he is. He said that he didn't think she was into him, it wasn't that bad, he didn't make any obvious moves blablabla. But he let her way too close, we broke up with this as a reason, and he still is friends with her and thought about if it would work with her, and if he hadn't had me as a (too close) friend they would've already left together. And you know to ironic part is, he always calls women who cheat sl*ts, and told me " if you ever cheat or text your ex etc, we're done!! You're gone!". And what does he do; befriend a cheating woman who hates his very best friend so he says (me). And I said, of we even get back together she has to be out of your life. Well, he doesn't seem to do anything about cutting her loose, it only gets worse and worse. Even offered her to go to another gym "if that makes it easier". My god, if I asked him then to go to another gym because of her interfering he would have laughed so hard. Anyway, thank you for listening, there is a lot of hurt, anger and sadness and that won't go away unless I detach from him, that's clear

No man ends a relationship with a woman he is interested in for fear of loosing a friendship ….none

He is playing you and likes the attention but also keeping you at arms length

Grey rock him, if he is interested in having a relationship with you, let him do the chasing

"Best friend" or not (he's not, he's an ex you are still in love with) you must know deep down that he is very likely sleeping with her. She's obviously very keen on him, it's mutual and at the moment he's keeping you sweet with crumbs and words.

Sorry, but sometimes if you're in a situation where your feelings are engaged, it is impossible to see what is blatantly obvious to others. Have more care for yourself, think less about him and you need to put some space between you to do that.

“So my point is, what you are all saying; either we get back together and he cuts her off, because she won't stop pursuing until he caves. Or I step back a lot, because this Grey area is indeed not good for me. It's destroying me mentally because I feel so bad and he doesn't seem to get or understand how I feel.”

Actually, I’m not telling you to get back with him. I don’t think many of us are - as a PP said, it’s easier to recognise a mindfucking, triangulating, womanising, misogynistic, hypocritical chancer from outside. That’s who he is. He loves messing with you - it suits his ego to see how you respond to the crumbs he tosses your way. That’s the guy who’s living rent-free in your head and heart and, believe us, giving you a damn sight less thought than you’re giving him. He’s no prize.

Sorry if i’ve missed it but how easy would it be for you to move job? I really think you need to get right away from him.

In short: he doesn’t care how you feel. He only cares about himself. This man is not for you.

Thank you all so much. He already sensed something was off, so thats ok. I told him I need to take a lot of distance and after his vacation I will let him know there will be no more kisses, no physical touch, no compliments. Just friends is ok with me, but no Grey area. No more wondering if he wants me or not, I just want to be a friend, just like I am friends with other people. I don't want to get heart broken again and being held at arm length. It's been enough. Thank you for all the honest replies, I really helped me a lot and give me the courage to stand up for myself. 💗