Am i being a bad friend

[Sunshine19811]

Hello everyone

This is my first topic and I am really hoping for some advice, whether or not I am being unreasonable.

Me and my ex broke up last April, because we work together and this interfered too much. We are still very best friends and I am thankful for that. My ex doesnt have many friends and is really insecure but also doesnt see that he looks good, so he gets loads of attention from women.

Now comes the weird part. During our relationship there was a woman, who is married, in the gym who obviously hit on him but he didn't see it... I warned him and last May she went by his house and told him she is in love with him. I was really sad about that because we just broke up and it was clear my ex didnt do ANYTHING to keep her abay during our relationship because "she doesnt make a clear move". She is the "hot girl". Eventually they became friends and he describes her as a friend ( he dislikes almost everyting about her but still he thinks they are friends). But, she is married and is cheating on her husband ( she makes moves, touches him, etcetc). And she hates me because she want to be with him but he is my best friend so she knows I am in the way.

I think it's crazy to be friends with a married woman who cheats on her husband, hates me (he supposedly best friend) and interfered in our relationship back then. The more i think about it the more i think its ridiculous. She came by to wish him a good vacation and they chatted on the couch and she again made physical moves on him, he told me. We are talking about maybe coming back together when 1 of us has another job but with her in his life i really dont want that. And as a friend i am not comfortable with knowing my friend is meeting with a cheating woman and thinking she is his friend. So does this story sound like i am overreacting? I really don't know anymore so any advice would be great

OP, for the love of god, back off, and stop trying to psychoanalyse your ex.

Whether he’s having back-clawing sex with the handsy married gym-goer behind the bicep curls machine is not, ultimately any of your affair.

By your own account this ex of yours is insecure, controlling, vain, dreadful at friendship, and spent your relationship gawping at other women — he’s a walking disaster. He dumped you with some excuse about working together, but you dodged a bullet.

You’re not his ‘best friend’. You’re his ex, whom he likes keeping around because you’re still visibly carrying a torch for him and seething with jealousy over his gym flirtation.

It ultimately doesn’t matter whether he’s a Greek god, or looks like Lurch. It doesn’t matter whether the gym woman is the nicest person in the world and perfect for him or a serial killer in bumscrunch leggings.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

The only behaviour you can control here is your own. Prioritise getting a life. Start by getting a new job. Stop seeing your ex.

Exactly what I was going to say

oh Op you are in love with this man holding on and accepting crumbs from him.

If he wanted to be with you he would be.

move on and get some dignity

You are acting/ feeling as though he is 'betraying ' you as if you were still together

You have all the hurt and crap bits of a realtionshp without an actual relationship

you are trying to control him as if he was your partner.

YOu need to pull yourself up by the boot straps here - you are not behaving in a way that will lead to happiness for YOU. Forget him!

I read a good book once - it's called 'It's called a break up because it's broken' - it helped me avoid these really undignified shit situations

this man is having his cake and eating it - he gets to flirt with you, enjoy the fact you are besotted with him - and also flirt with everyone else.

You aren't going to meet the right man by hanging about with and obsessing over this guy

I would hazard a guess you have very unhealthy patterns generally in relationships

have some therapy!

Thank you for all the advice, tips and comments. It's starting to become clear and all of your replies helped me in moving forward. Reading everything makes me tear up and now i understand all the weird anxiety which didn't add up. But he is the mail culprit of it all and the main source of me not able to relax

No, OP. This is on you. He broke up with you, and he’s clearly awful, but you’re still hanging around kissing him, and obsessing about his gym buddy. Take responsibility for managing your own emotions.

Well - he sort of is the main source of your anxiety but I fully agree with the poster above - YOU are responsible here for your own life.

You are choosing to put energy into this situation, to focus on him and his behaviour - when you could walk away and rebuild your life far away from him.

You are not being honest with yourself about your feelings for him - and how you are trying to control him and the way he behaves

I do really truly OP recommend having therapy. If you are insecure like this and have low self esteem to waste your time on an idiot like this - it's probably because of deep rooted beliefs from childhood - that are leading to an insecure attachment.

A confident person would just stop spending any time with him and move on - but you are lacking that confidence in yourself.

Its the best investment in your future you could make - to really believe in yourself and what you deserve and step away from this very toxic situation (which - being blunt you are contributing to daily with your energy and time)

Thank you all for supporting me, even if it's a harsh truth. I am confident in my decisions and your comments helped a lot in this😊

Hi everyone

You guys were right all along! I am such an idiot, thank you for letting me see that. Today we had a big fight, thats fine, he doesn't want to be friends anymore. But here comes the weird part. I said:go look for another friend /girlfriend i dont put up with this anymore. He said, i already almost have one.

But this is not the gym woman but someone i dont know. So yeah, he seems to have been chatting ? with a woman, kisses me on the lips and suggests to have sex, and enjoys the company of the married woman in the gym. I am beyond flabbergasted and i am so glad you all made me see this. Otherwise i would sympathize for him right now. So thank you all so very much!!

Ok great. Now block his number and never contact him again

Remember this is who he is and you're well rid of him. Block and don't look back.

Several of us have suggested you look for another job. You haven’t responded. But I really think you would be better off completely away from this guy. That way, you don’t need to deal with him or be reminded of him at all.

Also, note the lessons here: the key one being, if a man’s truly interested, he won’t mess you around, he will be with you properly. This guy was never right for you. He was never a keeper. It’s great you’ve realised this and are taking your power back.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

Hi everyone

Some time went by and I wanted to update. Maybe i can help another man or woman with this. Last weeks and months my ex gave soo many mixed signals. He wanted to make me jealous by making up a girlfriend, but this was during a fight so he admitted it was fake. He complemented me with "my nice hips in that jeans". Which he thinks isn't a mixed signal but just a compliment to a friend. He continues to see the other woman and she stops by whenever she wants. While I am not allowed to text during dinner time and get warned by him if I forget sometimes. So yesterday he told me she went by again and something snapped. We have a 3 hour talk. In the beginning he was really defensive, bit later on he softened. I explained clearly that I can be friends, and I accepted this earlier. And he CANNOT give me this mixed signals. Also I feel like im disrespected due to the other woman. So I asked why he is so "into" me when she's gone and when she's back he's not. This was because he feels guilty when he's talking to her, because he knows I don't like it and deep down he knows it's wrong. So if he talkes to her, he doesn't talk much with me because he thinks he doenst deserve my friendship because if I knew all thing about him and her I would be sad. He doesn't know why he doesn't break it up with her, but admitted he doesn't have anyone else and I am going to have a boyfriend some day, and he's all alone again. His sister also gave up on him. Eventually he understood and I felt like I got some closure. Today we say eachother at work and I felt so much relieve not having to talk about her. I also sometimes ask about her because otherwise it's the "subject that can't be mentioned". But I told him I can't do it anymore. I tried not to talk about in, give in and to talk about it etc. I am still a bit " scared" that the thing that would hurt me the most (they end up together) eventually will occur. But i am convinced this will definitely go away! At the end he said, I am such a hypocrite. And he really struggled so luckily my grief is being acknowledged. Later he sent an text that he thought his actions were sincere and honest. I was like (in my head) how on earth do you think this mess is sincere and honest. He did claim i should've ended this months ago and should've said; choose me or the woman. Which is crazy because his relay always is; nobody comes between me and my gym, not even my girlfriend. And I told him time and time again that its wrong.

Long story short; even though it's a bit weird to be friends and only friends, im sure in a few days I will feel lighter, less anxious and she is out of my life :)

Okay, I’ll bite…….. Why in Heaven’s name are you still talking to him?

This is so desperate. Where is your self esteem and pride? Stop chasing after someone like this. Stop talking to him.