Resenting husbands work life

[LAM1407]

Husband has a senior level job in a large company. When he started his travel was very occasional (one every other month or thereabouts) as hes progressed it has become more frequent. Now away most weeks for between 1-3 days. He also has a nice holiday with work coming up for a full week, not jealous. He leaves for work at 7am, doesn't usually get home till 6.30/7 on the days hes back.
We have two children, aged 5 and 3.
I also have a part time job working 5am-7.30, then log off to get kids ready for school and nursery. Then back online at 9.30 until 11am. Do all the house work, food shopping, walking the dog etc.
I'm beginning to resent how much time he spends at work, we don't really get any time together as a family and when hes gone the kids don't even mention him. I have mentioned him possibly trying to find another job where he won't have to be away so much (also he is seriously underpaid and could earn 2/3x as much elsewhere), but deep down i know that's not my decision to make.
How do I get over resenting him, While also managing my feelings because at the moment I feel like a single parent most of the time, and with that hugely stressed and overwhelmed sometimes.

Can he ask for a payrise? The best way to get a payrise is to move companies

he may enjoy his life now.

you need to speak to him to explain how you are feeling without blame. Can he get the kids up and ready as sounds like he can just get himself sorted and head off to work.

he could meal prep so everything is chopped and ready to pop in slow cooker etc.

you haven’t agreed to be a single parent and tell him that he’s missing his young kids.

make sure you get some time at weekends and go away for a rest. he will see how hard parenting is.

ultimately if he doesn’t want to change jobs then you either continue as you are or tell him that you want a partner that is present

What work pays for a holiday for their staff?? Does he have another family?

I guess this is one of those situations where it has crept on gradually so there was never a discussion of how things would be divided and how your relationship should work. Life changes as time goes by but its really important to stay on top of the changes together.

In terms of his hours, or being away - plenty of people do this, have met a few women with husbands in the oil industry recently who are effectively single parents. Some people dont mind this but I think it can be hard.

The key, though, is expectation. If you sign up for this its one thing. But it sounds like you didn't and it is significantly affecting your life. I think a frank discussion is called for, but be sure of your bottom line first - what are you really asking him for? What do you need? And why? The clearer you are, the better.

I can see this from both sides. When my kids were younger, I worked part time and my husbands job involved travelling up and down the country for days on end and I felt completely isolated and very resentful.

He loved his job and he absolutely hated coming home to me knowing he was going to get a load of grief and moaning when I unburdened myself. I was doing all the childcare, housework, shopping, kids outings, absolutely everything and hated the freedom he had. The argument was always the same in that I was doing everything at home keeping the family afloat day to day and he was working all the hours trying to keep family afloat financially. Both of us rowing in the same direction but in different boats.

Our marriage was on the rocks and genuinely the only thing that saved us was the fact that he was forced to get another job as the pay structure changed and he was effectively working for nothing, as he would never have left otherwise.

Fast forward 15 years and both of our roles have changed. I'm now in a very senior role that occasionally has travel abroad where I can be anywhere in the world for up to two weeks at a time. My career has blossomed and my husband is at home with 3 teenagers and he now recognises how I felt and admits that he feels resentment that I'm having these trips, being wined and dined, networking and with only myself to worry about. We can laugh about it now, but I still feel pangs of guilt as I remember how it felt.

My best advice is to choose your hard: its hard now, but stick together and things will improve. Keep communication going and be transparent, you're both wanting the same end result, which is a financially stable happy family, it's just you have to do what you each have to do and ride the rough with the smooth.

What happens at weekends ? Does he engage with you and the children and take part in family life and support you in other ways ?

Some men feel a sense of purpose and self worth through work . The traditional “ provider” role which can become all - consuming

Perhaps he has lost sight of the family aspect and maybe there is an opportunity here for him to refocus his energies through an open and honest conversation about priorities .

My dad was out the house 7am- 6.30/7pm every day when I was a child and he said he really regrets it now as he missed so much of us growing up.
It’s absolutely worth having a conversation about the pressure it’s having on you and encourage him to think about how he’ll feel in 10 years time when the kids are older and he’s missed a lot of it, but ultimately you can’t make him change jobs.

It s amazing how many men need to work such long hours when they've small DC and harassed loves at home.

Or at least that's my experience. I did a fairly high powered job, the only woman on the team. Occasionally, because of a particularly crucial deal, I'd work some long hours, but mostly I was home for tea and bathtime. Men, doing the smlame job, with young children at home would absolutely deliberately stay much longer than they needed to. Not all, but it was definitely a thing.

Enterprise Rent A Car used to pay for all branch managers and up to go to America for a corporate jolly for a week every year - an ex of mine used to work there. A lot of the US companies do that. Presumably, it’s not limited to just those.

OP I would focus on improving your own work situation rather than changing your DHs. If you feel fulfilled with your life this won’t bother you so much.

No he doesn't 😄 its a group holiday as a reward for hitting certain targets in the last 12 months about 25 are going

I went to Monte Carlo for 4 days on an awards thing. Very much a no expense spared holiday (ie not work, although it would have been very frowned upon if I'd declined).

Achieved at the same time as managing my workload to mostly be home for tea and bathtime. Sometimes trips and long hours are necessary but ime they're much more necessary for men with young children!

He is going to ask for a payrise, has a meeting next week with his senior and is going to bring it up then. (He told me this today)

Kids get up at 7 so he is usually out of the door by then, so I have to juggle getting them sorted and working at the same time. Going to tell him he at least needs to sort their breakfast before he goes so I can still focus on my work when they are up.

To be fair yes he does, weekends are usually busy on Saturdays and a chilled Sunday but we do things together (I also usually get a bit of a time out by giving the dog a good walk on a Saturday morning)

I think he just needs to.refocus too, maybe say no to last min trips to work, 'have personal things booked' occasionally rather than volunteering to go anywhere whenever its mentioned

Respectfully, you wfh 4 hours per day part time until 11am? It seems like you’re the one living the dream rather than him.

Would you manage to cope financially if both of you worked part time or he took a more traditional 9-6 job?

I would, too! Child free woman.

What do you mean he has a full week holiday with work?

I hardly think getting up at 4.30am daily is living the dream. Never mind juggling two kids while on conference calls first thing in the morning. It's stressful. As well as the housework, shopping. Being on call for appts, collecting sick kids etc. I do my fair share, believe me.

A reward for doing well the last year. Its a yearly thing but only the top performers go. 25ish of them going this time.

OP, are your working hours fixed? I wfh 4 hours owe day, but fit it into school hours. Can you do that? Then you’d be doing a normal one parent morning routine and after school (usual for the part-time working parent). Your OH should absolutely be picking up the reigns when he gets home so you can have 20 mins to decompress. Then coujd you tackle bedtime together and have your evening together. Then you get some time at the weekend to do your own thing child free, like he’s had on the eves he’s travelled.
it sounds like you both need to re-organise your non-working time so it’s fairer.

Your work style sounds tiring. You clearly don’t like getting up at 4.30 am and it seems unnecessary. Could you change your working pattern to perhaps do two hours at night say 9-11 and then 9-11 in the morning?
My oh worked corporate job, away five days a week. I worked full time professional role with 3 children. I had a lovely job that I enjoyed and I don’t feel I was as stressed as you are. Not a brag, it is just that I think maybe your own work pattern is a large part of the issue.

If you have to get up and start wfh at 4:30 AM you are essentially shift working snd cannibalizing yourself to fit around your family’s needs.

Unfortunately not, the company is work for is based in Australia so I've to be up early to take calls etc. I definitely don't think my job is helping things.

I am away 2/3 nights a week, often longer and I LOVE my job!! My husband knows this and would never ask me to change jobs so I can help him with the washing/getting the kids ready. Sad that you would rather you both be miserable than do something about your own life.

Ideally if a partner is working away form the home you would want them to be bringing in enough money that you can either not work or bring in more help to make life easier. If he is earning less than market value for the job then that needs addressing.

They are not 'effectively single parents ' if their partner is away earning a wage, and they have the emotional and financial support of a partner even if physically apart. So sick of hearing this said!