Resenting husbands work life

[LAM1407]

Husband has a senior level job in a large company. When he started his travel was very occasional (one every other month or thereabouts) as hes progressed it has become more frequent. Now away most weeks for between 1-3 days. He also has a nice holiday with work coming up for a full week, not jealous. He leaves for work at 7am, doesn't usually get home till 6.30/7 on the days hes back.
We have two children, aged 5 and 3.
I also have a part time job working 5am-7.30, then log off to get kids ready for school and nursery. Then back online at 9.30 until 11am. Do all the house work, food shopping, walking the dog etc.
I'm beginning to resent how much time he spends at work, we don't really get any time together as a family and when hes gone the kids don't even mention him. I have mentioned him possibly trying to find another job where he won't have to be away so much (also he is seriously underpaid and could earn 2/3x as much elsewhere), but deep down i know that's not my decision to make.
How do I get over resenting him, While also managing my feelings because at the moment I feel like a single parent most of the time, and with that hugely stressed and overwhelmed sometimes.

Well, I suppose you would if you’re sad too 🤣

His full time salary and long hours allow you to work part time. I appreciate it must be tough, but he’s working, not out on a jolly.

Consulting! I used to get that. It was a lot fun!

I mean, its been a range. And different people have different attitudes to it. But in the case of the people I have met recently, its been a case of a joint decision and an acceptance by the non travelling parent that the lions share of the work of the family falls on them and they agree to this. The issue is where there is no agreement like that, and it happens by default, like it seems to have here.

I mean, its been a range. And different people have different attitudes to it. But in the case of the people I have met recently, its been a case of a joint decision and an acceptance by the non travelling parent that the lions share of the work of the family falls on them and they agree to this. The issue is where there is no agreement like that, and it happens by default, like it seems to have here.

He has kids so he can say no to last minute and his employer will have to accept it.

I need to quit working in the public sector. I can’t even get a pen 🖊️

They are taxed as a benefiting kind unless the company absorbs all the cost and the only reason why the company absorbs all the cost is because you have made so much money for the company that they can afford to do so i.e. your labour is being used to line the pockets of the company owner.

Whereas being a public servant, you are literally a public servant.
As opposed to a private servant you could say

I think you're doing ok to be honest.

Do you have to work?

You only have to juggle them for 30 mins in the morning, if it's a problem maybe negotiate your hours.

Could you afford for you not to work?

Hi OP, another married single parent here due to DH’s job. Mine works for a large American firm who lack boundaries, when in the office he leaves the house at 5.20am and often returns 8pm +. Frequent travel to US/canada, expected to travel on a Sunday then comes back jet lagged etc and expected to work the next day normally. Of course, if he asked in writing for a day off they would grant it but it is frowned upon and the culture is not to take any rest days.
I am left with all of the childcare, running of house and work school hours so that we have childcare (school have intermittent wraparound care and he is away so much he could not be replied on). One DC is autistic just to keep me on my toes. It is absolutely exhausting!! DC ill, I’m the default parent. School holidays, I have to sort childcare. DC appointments, I take time off work. He has become so disconnected from our home life.
So bad that one DC needed an x-ray and the hospital asked who lives with you, they said just mummy and sibling. DC don’t ask for him or about him when he’s away. Sadly the only way out for us was to leave the job - one more 5 week stint away and we are free!!! It did take me telling DH frankly that one DC forgot he lived with us to make him realise that this was not ok and could not continue. Not to forget our marriage - not really great for a healthy marriage to never see your husband and when you do he’s so exhausted from work that he falls asleep at 8.30pm!
I really hope you (and me) manage to find more of a balance!

I get that the current set up doesn't work for you. I wouldn't want it either. I would focus on identifying what you want and how you want your life to be. And I'd also talk to him about this and see if he is happy with the current set up. Then maybe you can work on what could be changed for the better. Can you work hours that are a better fit for you? Can he go on fewer trips? Once you've made changes to your own set up, then you may feel less resentful. My husband travels all the time as well, but I value the good income he earns and I understand it's a part of the job. I've set up my own work to fit mostly within school hours, so I can manage everything at home and he can drop in and drop out. I do feel a bit worn out at the end of his longer trips, as I don't get to sit down until about 9pm every night after cooking and cleaning up, but it works. My kids are older, (15 and 10), so it's much easier than it was when they were little. In some ways, we have more fun when he's away. My youngest one sleeps in my bed with me and and we have lots of nice chats and cuddles. My boys also are kind of forced to help more and do more chores when my husband is away, which I think is good (for them and me!). It's definitely rough doing it all with younger kids though!

I would add that my husband always steps up when he's back. He never complains of tiredness. He cooks. He participates. He does all the jobs that need doing around the house etc. I'm not sure I'd be quite so keen if I had to carry on doing everything like a mug when he was around!

When the kids are this age there is often one parent who will shoulder more of the responsibility esp during the week for school etc.
Have you asked him if he would like to change things up so he can see more of the kids? Have you told him that you would him to be more a part of the family? How has he reacted to these questions?
Some only want to be the provider (this can be laziness or pride) but some genuinely want to do more.
When the kids are the age for after school/evening clubs - will he help? What does he do when he does get home?
You didn’t sign up for single-parenthood but there will always be one parent who shoulders the burden a bit more than the other when the kids are small.

Exactly this. It probably suits him.
I would have a conversation. Either he reins work back and contributes more at home, OR, he leans into work, but needs to bring in more money, and you can step back. If he is high earning it is absolutely ridiculous that you should be having to work a 5am-7am shift?! So yes you would still single parent, but you would be more relaxed, less tired, and might enjoy it more. At the moment, he has the best of both worlds, he needs to choose.
(and yes of course he will regret not spending more time with his kids, but many men make this mistake and put their ego above all else- but that’s his problem not yours, you will have no such regrets).

Oh yes, it could have been me writing this! I was also the only women in a team of men. How come I was the highest performing person in that team but managed to be home for dinner and bath time every night, and they always had to ‘work late’? More like hiding from their families.

Your working hours are a large part of the problem here. Would you prefer to be a SAHM or would you prefer to have a nanny for the mornings so you can do all of your work in one chunk, even with Aus biz hours surely 7-11am would work better for you? You can have 2 hr calls with the Aus team before EOD which should be enough?

If your DH isnt earning enough to facilitate the above then he needs to either earn more or pull his weight at home. (My DC dont see their dad in the week really but DH earns enough for me to SAH so we are both doing our fair share).

I've done a variety of work patterns with kids and honestly when I skipped off to work at 8am and could focus solely on my job for 10 hours was much easier than the relentlessness of kids (I had an office job, obvs different for a nurse etc!)

I second that getting up at that time every day to WFH with 2 small kids you mostly solo
parenting is not living the dream 🤣! I think poster either doesn’t have kids or they are in their 30s and they’ve forgotten. Or they’re a man! 🤣! I would defo push for him to stay AM til you’ve finished first slot. It might not be ideal for him but he can suck up some of the inconvenience too!!

So a mum who works part time whose husband is away 5 days a week, she has to juggle everything the whole mental load is on her is not a single parent, but a divorced mother who has the kids 50% of the time is? She has a week off every other week, which OP can dream of. And a parent who has the kids all the time as no partner but a very supportive family, grandparents very involved and with a lot of financial support is not a single parent? If a bit of partner presence and financial support is the definition of non-single parent, loads won’t qualify. A single parent is someone who needs to juggle everything for 50% or more of the time, where the other parent is barely there emotionally, although they might contribute financially and not be divorced