Resenting husbands work life

[LAM1407]

Husband has a senior level job in a large company. When he started his travel was very occasional (one every other month or thereabouts) as hes progressed it has become more frequent. Now away most weeks for between 1-3 days. He also has a nice holiday with work coming up for a full week, not jealous. He leaves for work at 7am, doesn't usually get home till 6.30/7 on the days hes back.
We have two children, aged 5 and 3.
I also have a part time job working 5am-7.30, then log off to get kids ready for school and nursery. Then back online at 9.30 until 11am. Do all the house work, food shopping, walking the dog etc.
I'm beginning to resent how much time he spends at work, we don't really get any time together as a family and when hes gone the kids don't even mention him. I have mentioned him possibly trying to find another job where he won't have to be away so much (also he is seriously underpaid and could earn 2/3x as much elsewhere), but deep down i know that's not my decision to make.
How do I get over resenting him, While also managing my feelings because at the moment I feel like a single parent most of the time, and with that hugely stressed and overwhelmed sometimes.

What does he say about it? You mentioned he plans to ask for a pay rise. But even if he gets one, by the sounds of it, he will still be massively underpaid. So what is keeping him there? From the outside looking in, it does seem like he'd rather be at work than at home. If he's voluntarily taking work trips that's because he'd rather be away than at home. If he knows you are up at 4.30 to work, he should making sure he's earlier surely and certainly not volunteering for work trips without working it out with you too.

Incidentally though, sounds like you need a new job too - 4.30?! With 2 young kids. Madness!

How will improving her work situation help with the fact she’s parenting solo? She’d still have the double load he doesn’t have. How will she improve her work situation while working around the kids schedules which limits her availability?

op, when does he give you downtime? I’d start the great reset, where you are supported in this marriage too, or there’s no point in him.

If you have ti do it all, it’s ok to say you’re solo parenting. If you have no back up when the kids are sick, no back up to get them to school when you’re sick, if no one else ever cooks dinner, if no one else ever takes over and you get to leave the house on your own, you’re solo parenting. What makes you think he’s emotionally supportive? Nothing the op has said indicates that.

Surely he earns enough so you don’t have to work/can get a cleaner etc?

Apparently not. Since she is getting up at 4:30 to have her work seamlessly mesh with everyone elses needs.

Being out 7-7 is fairly normal for commuters, isn't it? Ones with decent jobs. He won't get a better paid job working 9-5.

Are they well paid jobs though? Then it would be worth it and if it was too much for the home parent they could hire a cleaner etc.

I guess you could divorce him and then you’d have to do everything you currently do plus work full time instead of part time.

I understand feeling resentful if your DH was out golfing but at work? Be thankful you have a DH who wants to work hard to take on the financial burden because believe me, there are men out there who sit and game all day and ponce off their hardworking girlfriends.

At least you get weekends, so that's one bonus. My husband was a head chef when we had our first children and I hardly saw him, even worked Christmas lunch. Not great money either. He changed careers in the end.

He absolutely needs to ask for a pay rise. My DH travels a lot for work but has a high salary to reflect that, I've always thought frequent work travel equals good pay.

For us it allows me to be a SAHM which I love, would you choose that if they bump his pay enough? At the very least he should be paying for a cleaner to help you.

It would definitely be worth talking through it all with him too

How flexible are his hours? Does he really have to be out the door at 7 am? My DDs are way beyond school drop-off age now but when they were at primary school, loads of us working-outside-the-home parents (male and female) did the school drop-off run. Because we are parents. Given he’s leaving you alone so much, I don’t think he should be taking this week-long holiday with his colleagues. Either his company should include family or offer a cash alternative.

It sounds like he’s made no attempt to accommodate family life in his working schedule. It’s lazy and avoidant.

Op huge hugs, going through this at the moment, only difference is me and dh not in a good place and probably heading towards breaking up. Dh sees work as the big important. His life is about progression and even he admitted there’s no end goal but that people should want to get to their best. He thinks because they’re older (youngest ten eldest 17) that now is the time and he’s giving them a good good example of drive and good work ethic. That’s the crux of it, they convince themselves they’re doing it all for the family.

He laughs at the work to live don’t live to work thing and when I remind him it’s the childfree people who do all the travel he gets annoyed because he does spend time with them all when he’s actually here. Talk to him, definitely don’t let this turn into bitterness.

I agree getting a divorce may make things harder. However it’s not a race to the bottom with husbands. She is allowed to ask him to try and change things so he can be more of a present husband and father.

That is a pretty low bar.

Is he having to commute 2 hours each way? Would guess that's why he's leaving at 7am and getting back at 7pm. Has he company returned to office, so no more working from home?

A 2hr commute either way is going to be super exhausting too,so I have every sympathy for him. That said, if I was in his position, I would be either talking to my bosses about WFH and pay rise or finding another job. More likely finding another job that has some days from home and a much better compensation.

My DH used to work Tue-Sat 12pm-10pm. He didn't sleep well so was up all night, slept til 10am. He wouldn't let asleep when the kids went to school and they'd be asleep by the time he came home. He only saw them on a Sunday and Monday afternoon. Then he had random weeks here and there for business trips. I hated it. I remember my dad being and absent father. He lived with us but he worked 7 days a week so was my mum that I remember the most. We had a chat and he said his dad was the same and he didn't want to be like that. So he changed his role within the company and now works better hours. I do wish he would leave the company but he's loyal as hell. Hopefully you guys can sort it out x

This is massively lacking in empathy, the OP isn’t trying to make him miserable, but currently she is having a really shit time carrying everyone and everything working stupid unsociable hours whilst her H gets to go off on jollies doing whatever he wants with no regard to how miserable she is. She is looking for some compromise, isn’t that what relationships are about?

His hours seem pretty normal if he’s commuting. I used to get the 7am train, and then the 5:30 train home (6pm one if the tube was busy and missed that one) so would get home at 6:30-7. Pretty standard when you have a 9-5 job but commuting.

Mm.. he’s going on a 1 week holiday paid for by work and yet he doesn’t earn very much.

That sounds very suspect to me!

stick an apple tag in his bag!

How sad to love a job
If you dropped it tomorrow that have you replaced by the end of the month.
Can the same be said about your children?

@LAM1407 yes it does happen for those saying ‘what company does this’ - many years ago I was an office manager and organised several of these kind of ‘reward’ trips

Doing that (volunteering ) is 100% at your expense and he needs to acknowledge that and stop doing it. He is not thinking like a husband and father here at all.

Some firms do actually do this - DD has been on two such holidays so far this year.

How is sad to love a job? I think thats a fantastic position to be in.

My DH works in finance and there is no chance of him WFH or going in later. Also pay rises are given yearly, not ad-hoc during the year unless its expectational.

It does sound like a hard situation at the moment, but at least he's fully involved on the weekends.

How underpaid is he actually though? Would he even be able to secure another job?