Broken

[FuckedHead]

I have been advised to start my own thread for help and advice so here goes.

I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years and for 24 of them I have been a victim of domestic abuse from him. Verbally and mentally. He’s finally broken me after all these years and I can’t sink any lower. I just want to die.
No children, just me so no fear of any fallout if I kill myself. I just can’t take anymore

Well done for starting this thread @FuckedHead. It is heartbreaking to hear what you are going through. Please don’t give up as you can have a happy life if you can get away from your abuser. Could you go to the CAB and ask them for advice about local charities who could help? I’m sure others will be along to offer some advice. Keep strong, don’t let the bastard wear you down (easier said than done)

Please speak / call the Samaritans now and talk this through. Ending your life isn’t the answer and there is support out there for you x I’m so sorry you’re going through this x

What a bastard your partner is, I'm so sorry for all you've endured over the years.

It's good that you've told MN, do you feel you could contact Women's Aid?

I expect someone with experience will be along shortly, but I just wanted to reply and say that I'm sure there are things in your life worth living for, don't let him win.

You’ve clearly hit rock bottom and this is your opportunity to realise your worth, leave and rise without this abusive man in your life.

It feels like you’re absolutely never going to feel better when you’re where you are, but you will. Please seek help from charities like Women’s Aid and know that there’s no shame in having stayed so long or not having been ready before.

Can you write a list of how your ideal life would look and start putting plans into action to work towards achieving that? It is your partner who is poisoning your life and you are worthwhile without him.

We're here op. Mn is so good in situations like this and you are not alone.

What is the practical next step for you? Where can you go?

Echo previous comments re calling women's aid and putting together a getting out plan ❤️

It’s easier said than done to leave. I have so much ‘stuff’ - over 20 years in this house and I also have my late parents belongings that I cannot leave behind. I work at a minimum wage job with no savings.
I just keep putting up and shutting up because I’m damned if I answer back and I’m damned if I don’t. I just sit here and take it. I have no friends because he’s gaslighted them over the years. I have no living relatives. The only thing saving me at the moment is my dog. [*Sentence redacted by MNHQ] I’m totally broken and can’t see any other way of fixing myself.

You've taken 1 step tonight. Tomorrow take another step and find help. Woman's Aid seems to be good, or they can recommend where to find help.
Life is precious and you can turn your life around, it's never too late. You could also phone the Samaritans.

Op you can replace things not all things i understand but you cant replace yourself.
You have a car op put what you really really want in it without him knowing.
Ring womens aid and get out.
I know its easy said but you can do it.

There is hope OP. Can you ring Women’s Aid and explain your situation? They will be experienced in dealing with escaping from
abusive men.
Im glad you have your lovely dog. That is one positive in your life. ❤️

Hi OP. Even the GP / nurse might help, if you can get an appointment? Sometimes there are lovely ones - not all but definitely some. Maybe you can leave the 'stuff' and get it afterwards. Someone else has suggested Citizens Advice Bureau, Women's Aid and Samaritans. Definitely try contacting these for practical support in getting free of your abusive partner. Things will likely look more hopeful the further you remove yourself from him. Yes he's messed with your head, but you are still here trying, and can get some help with recovering. Please keep posting here and chase all the support you can. Xxx

Is there a way you could reach out to an old friend or family member without him knowing? Explain the situation to them. I’m sure your friends and family will want to support you even if they’ve been gaslit by your partner over the years - often in these situations they know they’re not going to get through to you so they leave you to realise yourself that you need to leave but that’s not to say they aren’t hoping and waiting in the background to pick you up when you do.

Definitely contact Women’s Aid and CAB. They will give you practical support about money and living arrangements. When you feel ready pack up your car with anything important or sentimental and just go. Nothing will change if nothing changes. In a years time your life could look completely different but you have to take those first few steps.

Hi OP,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time. We can see you're already getting some good support on this thread from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add a few links which might be of help.

Here's a link to our general Mental Health webguide which lists lots of organisations which can provide some real life support.

If you're feeling really low, please call the Samaritans on 116 123. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

If you find texting easier, please take a look at Shout's website. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, anonymous text support service. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place.

Other posters have mentioned Women's Aid, so we're adding a link to their webpage - Women's Aid - information and support. It's also worth checking out the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

We hope things start getting a bit easier for you soon.

Things aren’t more important than you, and your abusive spouse isn’t more important than you. Keep posting here and please contact the Samaritans and women’s aid. We, strangers on the internet, see your value. Please value yourself as much as we do and call someone who can help you in real life like the above organisations. You really do matter and don’t deserve to be treated like this.

How are you today @FuckedHead? Do you think you will be able to speak to the CAB or Women’s aid to get some help?

Hello. Thank you to all posters that have commented so far.
I haven’t made any phone calls as yet because that will make it ‘real’ as opposed to me trying to stay strong.

I’ve spent most of the morning crying wondering what I’ve done that is so bad that I am being treated this way by someone that was supposed to make me happy.

All of you taking time to comment are giving me strength to start facing the truth and make me believe I am worth so much more.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart x

Stuff is only stufff. I know it’s important o you, especially your late parents belongings but you are so more important than ‘stuff’. Take a few small special pieces and get the hell out of there. Pick a town with a woman’s aid shelter and go there. You deserve a life worth living. I know it’s hard and scary but once you’ve made the first move it will be ok.

You are worth more than the scum who is abusing you. You are a beautiful strong woman underneath that scum's control. Keep saying to yourself "he is just a piece of s...t under my heel and needs to be wiped off for good".

You are the best woman in the whole world and you are just hidden at the moment. Your time is now: Rise up and give us all in this world a heroine, YOU.

I’ve been in a similar place and it’s truly horrific. I got help from people on Mumsnet and they will never know how much they saved me. Keep talking on here. Don’t be alone.
You will survive this and be happy. It might take a while but you will.

Hello op, this is awful and i hope you find the courage to leave.

practically thinking:

your not married good
do you own/rent the house?
you work thats good. Where does your wage go? Do you have your own account to move money from?

some solutions:
rent a storage unit and start to drop off your stuff there. They run on a monthly rolling contract and depending on size you need, could be between £60-150 a month. just say to him that your clearing out clutter and taking it to the tip/given away online etc. you can keep your stuff in storage until you settle

can you put some money aside for a fuck off fund?

are there any house shares in your area going/spare bedroom type thing? Or are you thinking of moving away?

You can do this op. Visualise yourself closing the door on your new place without any fear of someone attacking you. You deserve peace and happiness x

“Shoemadlady · Yesterday 23:22

Please speak / call the Samaritans now and talk this through. Ending your life isn’t the answer and there is support out there for you x I’m so sorry you’re going through this x”

OP - you did nothing to deserve this. This is about your partner, not you. You are in fact a very strong person. It takes strength to live with domestic abuse. It takes strength to walk away. Your dog needs you. You need you. The world needs you. If you have no family, you could reach out to some old friends and explain what has gone on. Or reach out to Women’s Aid who can set you up at a shelter. If you feel able to speak to the police, they can take him away and keep him away for a while just to get you some breathing space. There are options. You can get through this.

Hitting rock bottom is first step to change OP, you can get out of this and live the trauma-free life you deserve

I was in a similar relationship for 21 years. Also felt that reality was a hard pill to swallow.

Women's Aid were amazing. The day I went there changed everything. I was worried I would have to somehow prove everything but they believed me. After being gaslit for years and believing I was actually insane at times this was liberating. I had an injunction within days.

It gets better. It gets a lot better.

Step one today, telling others.
Step two is the next right thing.

You are more amazing than you think 👏

How are you op?