I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

No I was being accused of implying something when it simply wasn't true.

That's not someone disagreeing with me, that is someone trying to state an untruth.

Maybe people should check the words they are using and what they mean. Before posting on a public forum

Omg, where to start with this....

It's just bad decision after bad decision.

Don't 'ask' your boyfriend to get out of the relationship. Tell him. Tell him to get out. Tell him you will call the police if he doesn't leave. Call the police if he doesn't believe you.

You're not well enough yourself to look after someone dealing with cancer, plus you both have the extra baggage of having been partners and having had a turbulent relationship. Neither of you need the inevitable stress. By all means be supportive and helpful but him moving in (which I suspect he will decline anyway) has disaster written all over it. He has family. That's where he needs to turn to first. You are both 'ex' for a reason.

Next time you are thinking of letting a man move into your house run it past your parents first. They seem to have the measure of your current dead beat.

Also I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time on this post. You don't deserve that. But I reiterate get rid of the current man. And look after yourself first and foremost.

Oh god, there’s pages of this. I’d say she’s got the point.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time @JustaGirlTrying

I’d be interested to know how many of these people have been through cancer treatment. I have. If someone had made me the offer you are making I’d have been extremely touched to know someone cared for me so much.

Your friend will feel loved and cherished… he might not want to take you up on the offer, but I’m sure he will appreciate that you made it.

And if he doesn’t take you up on the offer, jsut ask him what you can do to help.

You’d have to be pretty saintly though to keep taking a massive pile on when you’ve already responded and explained and apologised. There are limits.

No, explanations won't help here.
There used to be an unwritten rule ON MN threads outside of AIBU were treated more kindly.
Fighting was contained within AIBU.
You are swimming against the tide wearing fishing boots trying to explain yourself.
Best of luck with your friend and get rid of the creepy ex living in your home. 💐

Swandry, I am on your side when I say this with a whole ton of compassion for you being in a really horrible situation. She wasn't talking about you and your health. She wasn't talking about all cancer sufferers. She chose her wording poorly because she is upset.

Redeem can mean to atone for, to be saved from some implied sin or other, AND another meaning for the word can be to restore what is currently lost.

I think you, as well as OP's friend, both want to get back the good health that you previously enjoyed. In the interests of being kind to yourself, is it possibly for you to choose to believe that that is what the OP meant?

If this thread isn't doing your mental health any good perhaps it would be kinder to yourself to unfollow it. There's no benefit to you, the OP or anybody else in you staying on this if it's upsetting you.

Take care xxx

It sounds like he's had a bowel resection. He's going to need dietary advice from a RD, a health care professional, especially depending how much they've taken, not an uninformed ex who needs to get her own life in order before going in with her holistic bits. He's going to need to be close to docs and health providers and the pharmacy and have antibiotics on hand in case he shows signs of infection, not "build up natural immunity". He's going to be immunocompromised. He might need a PICC line and TPN.

Pot/Kettle. 😅

Amazing, thank you.

We've been in touch tonight and we are sending funny texts and whatnot and he seems happy and to me that is the most important thing.

I've got half way through this thread and my thoughts are this.
Speak to your friend . See what the situation is. It's really easy to try and jump in and help and garner control In situations of distress but you can't control or help in anyway other than being an ear at the end of the telephone.
But before you do that you have to create a safe haven for your self . You can't Invite a sick man Into an unsafe home. So whatever your reluctance for the police or removal of your current boyfriend you need to get over that quick and get rid of him. I know your saying your getting parents Involved and it's delicate because of his background but frankly why would you involve your parents when the police are trained in this. Get the police to remove him. Change the locks . Dont put your parents at risk. Call womens aid. Please get safe then help your friend

Ok no problem I will bear that in mind, thank you.

If people got offended by me not using a soft word in the English language correctly then I hope they are really prepared to be offended.

And I mean Offended, they will want to find my address.

To restore what is currently lost.

Exactly.

Thank, YOU.

Does your dp live in your house? I think he needs to go asap. Sort that then worry about everything else.

I have never threatened to find your address what utter nonsense.

yes I’m upset at the word you used and what you said.

but never ever ever will I or would I try to find your address.

holy shit. What an awful accusation to make.

After all of that, catch up.

I NEVER said I’d hunt you down and punch you in the street.

I said I’d say exactly what I’ve said here to your face but I NEVER said I’d hunt you down and punch you in the street. That is a vile lie.

You don't seem to like your current partner at all and call him a narcissist. Why don't you break up with him?

People are not reading your post correctly. You never suggested persuading him to stop chemo. I perfectly understand you want him to develop healthy eating habits after treatment. An excellent t idea.
But first end your abusive relationship. Now. At once. Get your parents to be there when you do it.
But I don't think it is a good idea to move your ex in. You can help and support him without that. And would he want to move in anyhow?
You seem to have a lot of issues yourself. You need time living alone and sort out your own health and other problems.
Your priorities are end your present relationship now!
Learn to live alone and look after yourself. And finally help and support your ex and I agree try and get him into a healthy lifestyle. But no moving him in.

I've tried. He won't go. I am scared his past behaviour might impact my life, families life. He has his own place, I am waiting for him to leave without any antagonisation from the police. That sends some people wild.

@Donttellempike she didn't even a little bit.

There's so much going on in your post. In your position I'd split from new man. Be very clear. Say you no longer want a relationship with him and it's not good for either of you to push for it to work when your heart isn't in it.

As many PP have said, please don't interfere in any way with his cancer treatment. Holistic care alongside proper medication is fine. But it is no alternative.

Very kind of you to offer him a quiet space to recuperate in. If he takes you up on it, I hopes it works out.