Should you tell your partner that you’re adopted. Does it matter?

[MeganM3]

As an adult, is it ok to not tell a long term partner that you were adopted as a baby and that your parents are not biological.

Is it reasonable to withhold this information, for fear of judgment or them seeing you or your family differently. Or would it be lying by omission somehow. It’s a very sensitive subject

I think it's the adopted person's information to share as and when they feel they want/ are ready to.

Personally the only time I think I would want to know is if we had children for the sake of medical history.

Whilst it is totally up to you who you tell, if this person is someone who you feel is right for you why do you think they would (wrongly) judge you?

I think it's strange to keep it a secret, it is quite important information.

And on this point Is it reasonable to withhold this information, for fear of judgment or them seeing you or your family differently. If you feel someone would treat you differently or judge you, would you not want to know, so you can then remove that person from your life.

I think if you're planning on having kids, it's important information to share as it'll have an impact of their medical history.

But as a PP said, do you really want to be with someone who would judge you or your family for it?

If they’re your long term partner then they should know. It’s important information and possibly part of your identity. If you don’t feel able to trust them with the information then you probably shouldn’t be together.

I think it’s particularly important if having children together is a possibility. I think children should be able to have access their full family health history.

My DH’s father was adopted. Whenever a doctor has asked DH for family history of heath issues he will say that his father was adopted so history on his paternal side is limited to just his dad.

If I feared that my partner might judge me or view my family differently because I was adopted then they would not be my partner. Why would anyone judge someone for being adopted or for adopting?

I don’t know you but despite that I think you are better than being with someone who you worry will judge you for being adopted.

I think it is a strange thing not to tell a long-term partner and I really can't see anyone being judged or viewing family different. I think it is important to tell your partner if you are having children.

I think it's strange to keep it a secret.

I also think it's strange to be in a relationship with a person who could a) think there's something wrong with you for being adopted b) potentially use it against you and c) who would react badly in any way, shape or form.

Get rid.

I am adopted and I did tell DH after I began to realise we were in a serious relationship. However I have felt huge shame and embarrassment about it and was reluctant to tell anyone other than very close friends for many years. I’ve had to do some work on myself and that coupled with unexpected DNA results means that I have become a lot more open about it now.
It’s a big part of your identity and I think you need to work out why you might not want to share the information with your partner. If it’s fear of being rejected then that’s either a similar feeling to mine or perhaps a doubt that your partner will truly support and try to understand some of the feelings you might have.

I think it would raise questions about the quality and closeness of the relationship tbh. It's a pretty significant part of your identity to conceal, and while it's your business to choose what to share and what not to share, it begs the question as to why you wouldn't feel that you could trust your partner to respond to that information in a sensitive and supportive manner.

All those glibly saying it’s strange not to tell your partner and blithely saying no one would judge you or feel shame clearly have absolutely no idea about the complex feelings surrounding being adopted. I don’t either, but posts like this one from @AFingerofFudge make me stop and think before throwing out an opinion based on no knowledge of a subject

Thank you for your replies. I suppose then I’d wonder when is the right time. It might not be something to tell a short term partner, but then the relationship gets deeper and it feels like an omission because the time wasn’t right to tell or it didn’t come up.

If you are going to have children together then yes I think you should.
Obviously you'd need to tell them before getting that involved.
But why should anyone think less of you or your family.
I mean why would you want to be partnered with someone who might look down on you because of that.

You tell who you want, this is your decision. If you don’t want to tell your partner then don’t. No one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes and you’ll have your reasons for not wanting to say anything which I respect. However, is anyone else likely to tell your partner? If you seriously are sure that you will never want to share this information with them, then it’s important that they don’t find out from someone else.

It is a little tricky, it may be that many people in your life don't know, perhaps your parents didn't talk about it, and wanted you to be seen as a biological child not singled out as 'the adopted one'. It may not be that you've somehow kept it a secret it's just something that's not talked about and for most purposes not relevant. As others have said it may be relevant for health reasons particularly if you intend to have children, but even then it's your (and your parents) private information, so tell or don't tell as you feel comfortable. In these days of surrogates, donor eggs and donor sperm, not to mention old fashioned infidelity, who the biological parents are is often a bit complicated.

I'm adopted and never experienced any negative reactions after telling anyone. I would tell a partner irrespective as to whether children were planned.
But my adopted granny split all her assets between her 4 biological grandchildren and left me out despite being adopted at 6 weeks and her death 35 years later. So maybe some people really do have an issue with it.

I’m so very sorry to read that. That is very uncomfortable. Were your parents upset as well?

Maybe when the relationship gets to the point where they're about to meet your parents. You're usually a good few months in at that point, and likely see this person as someone you'll be with longer term.

It's a natural time to bring it up as well. At least in my case, I always prepped my girlfriends as to what my parents were like (jobs, hobbies, basic life story etc), so you can always slip in the story of why they decided to adopt

My daughters are adopted. They are adults now. They generally don't like people knowing they are adopted. My younger daughter hasn't told anyone at work for example. She has had 3 relationships and in each case she has waited a few months before telling - in both ex relationships it has been thrown back in her face during the break up. It is heart breaking that it does affect how some people regard you. Of course it's not just about being adopted per se - it's about what happened to get adopted, what birth family might be like. Most people under about 35 were not relinquished by unmarried mothers who weren't allowed to keep their baby - there is often a complicated back story with some problematic themes.

So it isn't necessarily easy.

I think it's another layer of intimacy. As you get closer to someone, you reveal a bit more of yourself. Agree perhaps before you introduce them to your family as the significant other in your life might be a good time; assuming that indicates that by that time you are clearly talking long term commitment and have built up a high degree of trust. I think it's an important piece of life history to share and is part of building a really trusted relationship with someone who knows you deeply and well, and knows all the important stuff.

I think it’s 100% up to you. There is no wrong or right here - I think it’s a bit like telling a partner about your sexual history. You can tell, it might matter to the person you’re telling but whether you tell is completely up to you and should be based on what you’re comfortable with.

A lot of posters are saying a partner shouldn’t judge you but unfortunately some people do judge (I’m the adopted mum of a small child and I’ve already dealt with the assumption I couldn’t possibly love him properly/he’s not real family type shit). It’s really opened my eyes to how some people view adoption and I can see that if there are red flags with a partner it may be something you want to hold back.

I'm not adopted so this isn't an informed opinion, but I don't see what good would come of staying in a relationship with someone who you thought might judge you for it. Especially as there's got to be a fair chance it's going to come out at some point. Let's say one of your parents gets dementia and starts blurting things out.

And yes, if kids might be a possibility then it absolutely must be mentioned in good time then.

I think it will probably come out sooner or later and if you have kept it a secret THAT could be damaging to your relationship.

And one day a health issue after comes up that is genetic and you will start to explain yourself? Any serious relationship warrants transparency(random dates, no)

If i was to find out such an important things years after, I would think the whole thing was a life.

I dated a woman once who had two siblings with severe mental health issues which were genetic. she told me and I made a choice to not be with her and take the risk. A few years later she got married and her first child has the same issue.

This is paramount even outside of the health point of view, but why hide this, if he judges that(which i trust he won't, its all in your head which tells me you may be ashamed ), then he does not love you

I get her but I think It was a very very horrible thing, it's not like you were 16 when you were adopted.