Should you tell your partner that you’re adopted. Does it matter?

[MeganM3]

As an adult, is it ok to not tell a long term partner that you were adopted as a baby and that your parents are not biological.

Is it reasonable to withhold this information, for fear of judgment or them seeing you or your family differently. Or would it be lying by omission somehow. It’s a very sensitive subject

As an adoptee I just think I wouldn't want to be with someone who might judge me or think differently because of it, so from that POV I don't think it's healthy to put the head in the sand and carry that fear that one day it might come out.

But then I've never been shamed or felt othered for being adopted so I'd imagine most people I know beyond being an acquaintance would know I'm adopted and I appreciate others will have had very different experiences and revealing that information is a much bigger deal and exposes a real vulnerability.

It’s completely up to you whether you share or not.
Im curious about your reasons for not sharing though? You don’t have to answer, I’m curious because two of my nieces are adopted and it’s not something that we have considered (they are only very little).

Anyone who would judge you is not worth having around. Bizarre and it’s something not in your control?

Tell them on your own schedule but if it’s something you don’t like to disclose if you think it will be long term then that’s the best time. This way you don’t end up hurt if they are the type of person to judge.

If I thought he’d judge me , he wouldn’t be my partner.

As for a timeline, I suppose when things would be getting serious. Talks of the future, moving in together etc.

A bit different for me as OH and I had already been together 5 years and had a nearly 2 yo when I found out I was adopted. He was the first person I told.

I’m adopted and I can’t imagine keeping it from my partner. It’s a huge part of who I am, and who our children are.

Maybe it's a useful test of whether someone is a decent person? Who would want to be with someone who shamed them for being adopted, that's just vile.

I would be gutted if I was in a long term relationship with someone and they didn't feel they could tell me though, I'd feel like they didn't trust me at all.

It doesn’t matter at what age the adoption. The child is still legally a child of the family. As an adopter twice over, it is interesting to see on this thread how adoptees are othered.

Thats why its wise to tell, so you can get rid of them at the start rather than a few years down the line. The earlier someone exposes themselves as a prick the better.

It’s your life and it’s up to you whether you share it or not. I think I told my husband early on but with my own children I waited until they were young adults - I feel this was a mistake - I should have been honest with them sooner. It’s the old “guilt and shame” that never leaves me as an adoptee.

I am adopted but my parents are my parents, and way back in my history there is a woman who gave birth to me. I was adopted as a very small baby, and I’m from the generation where adoption was the prevailing option for unplanned pregnancy in teenagers. These days, where it is usually through neglect or another issue, maybe I would feel differently about friends knowing. As an adult I can increasing see that this adverse childhood experience has had an influence on certain aspects of what makes me me, and I think I would want a partner to understand that, but it doesn’t define me, if that makes sense?

My partner has known since very early in our relationship. It just came up as part of getting to know eachother. And now that we are long term and have just been through the start (but sadly not the end) of a pregnancy, it was very relevant as I have no history. Worst case scenario he would have to answer those questions on my behalf one day.

I haven’t thought through yet at what point I would tell my children, if we have any. (We are actually looking to adopt.)

I certainly don’t announce it to the world, and certainly not to the teenagers I teach! I think if it doesn’t come up in conversation at early stages with a partner, then it becomes a big issue that you will feel you need to tell at some point and partner might wonder if your have kept secrets from them? It’s absolutely not to be ashamed of, but it’s your information to share as and when you want to. I have rambled, sorry!

@ClareBlue your parents must have been so hurt by your granny’s actions. As you too must have been. Did your cousins say anything?

I was adopted, well sort of an 'open adoption' long term fostered sort of thing. I can't see the issue with not telling a partner you were adopted in this day & age?
Anyone that judges you because of it is not worthy of you in any way. It's was circumstantial and out of your control as a baby or a child.
Growing up in the 70's admittedly there was a naive ignorance and stigma surrounding the adopted child. Adults & children alike would often say to me "Well what's wrong with you then" and " why do you look different to your parents"
However as an adult you come to realise that the often ignorant perception of of an adopted person is exactly that.
Be proud of who you are and tell people should they ask. If they dare to judge you tell them to shut the door on the way out of your life.

PP’s are right that there are complex issues at play when you’re the one deciding whether to disclose. Having had people react negatively in the past, I would only share this level of personal information in a trusting relationship and not with someone I’m dating. People do bring all sorts of judgments and some are unkind or unnecessarily blaming. You find stigma and prejudice in people you really didn’t expect it from.
It’s not as easy as you think it is to make that decision.
Thankfully I’m way past having more children and my exH is fully aware of the biological origin of his children.
But explaining this leads to people asking why. And that’s not always easy to share if you don’t know someone well.
OP - do what feels comfortable for you. Only you know your partner and how they may respond.

But nowadays being adopted generally involves a back story of being removed due to neglect or abuse and opening up the conversation can lead to some uncomfortable details. My daughter doesn't tell anyone unless she absolutely has to because of the shame she feels about her birth parents (it is not a pretty story).

My DH was adopted as a very young baby. I don't remember him telling me, I seem to have always known as part of getting to know him. Our daughter knows as do all my family and friends - no reason not to. It's just a part of his background, same as me losing my mum young.

I don’t think that is only for those who are adopted “nowadays”. DH was adopted decades ago (he is a lot older than 35) and he doesn’t have a pretty story either. It has affected him his whole life, but he has massively improved with a lot of therapy.
He told me very early on and he is relatively open with other people about it now, but he hid it for years.
I would say that it’s your personal story op, tell it if you wish. But if you think the person you are with will judge you for it? They might not be the person for you.

I was in a serious relationship with someone who was adopted. He told me just before I met his parents (not that I would have noticed as he looked so much like his mum). I had no judgement, I also have a fair few family members who were adopted.
I do, however, understand that some people react negatively - I can't understand why.
However, in my personal case, my ex had serious abandonment issues which eventually led to our break up. I suspect they were caused by his adoption. His sister was also adopted but his youngest brother was not - that was probably the deal breaker.
Many years later, we are still friends and I have supported him finding his birth mother because we were teens when we met (early 20s when we split) and so very in tune with each other's development. He craved finding his birth parents at 18, but didn't actually pursue it until his adopted Dad died.
@MeganM3 I would suggest you tell them when you are comfortable but it certainly has to be discussed before children because it's only fair to share your genetic history as you know it. You know those annoying questions about your family members...
My cousins who are adopted don't really acknowledge it - but I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
Sending love. It's a tough call.

I think there is always a worry that people will then look at you differently somehow.
As damaged or as a sad story or as lonely or as a bit ‘other’. Or look at your family set up differently.
Being adopted is a bit different. But it doesn’t mean adoptees are less loved, or less part of the family - but sometimes assumptions are made and even if they’re not, we can worry what people are assuming. There’s sometimes a sense of feeling a bit less of something. It’s hard to describe.

DS is adopted and tells his partners definitely. I can't imagine the complications if he didn't.
He doesn't look like us. He has way too many grandparents. He's a white man who speaks fluent Urdu. He has brothers and sisters he barely knows. He used to live all over the place and we have never been there. He has way too many names and no original birth certificate.
He would have to keep so much of his life secret if he didn't disclose this.

I'm really sorry to hear there are people who judge you for being adopted. It hadn't ever occurred to me to think any differently of someone because of that.

However, I would still say tell him. If he judges you in some way, you know he's a bad 'un and you can avoid wasting time on him.

Anyone who thinks less of someone because of the situation of their birth isn't worth knowing.

I completely understand. The way we feel as adoptees is confusing, not least of all for us. I still struggle to describe or even recognise my own emotions. Something in me is not right but I struggle to articulate it. Above all, I do not want people to feel sorry for me so I don’t want anyone to have ANY feelings related to my situation. So I barely tell anyone . It’s very hard. But I would tell your partner, if he reacts unfavourably then he’s not for you.

I'm adopted and I tell people when I realise the relationship/ friendship will be ongoing. For me it's a fundamental thing about me. People can't possibly understand who you are without knowing.

I don't understand feeling shame about it. You had no control over it so there is nothing to be ashamed of. I honestly think some therapy would be helpful for you to help you to unravel these complex feelings.

I wouldn't let a boyfriend who I felt would have a negative reaction to finding out I was adopted hang around long enough to develop into a long term partner. Anyone that would judge me for something beyond my control, and completely neutral, in that it's just a fact, it's how it is for some people wouldn't be in my orbit in any capacity.

I’m adopted and have gone on to adopt my eldest son but our stories are very different. I was given up because of unmarried mother stigma in the 70s. He was removed from damaging parents in the 2000s. Although I have no issue with telling people I am adopted and that I adopted my son (of whom I am extremely proud) it does hurt your psyche somewhat. I have always had a feeling of “not being quite good enough” and I’m very quick to dismiss myself. If I allowed that more to the fore of my personality and I felt anyone would judge me for me for being adopted I would find that incredibly damaging going forward. I have been incredibly lucky I think that people have just sort of taken “I’m adopted” as part of who I am without judgement.