Should you tell your partner that you’re adopted. Does it matter?

[MeganM3]

As an adult, is it ok to not tell a long term partner that you were adopted as a baby and that your parents are not biological.

Is it reasonable to withhold this information, for fear of judgment or them seeing you or your family differently. Or would it be lying by omission somehow. It’s a very sensitive subject

I think it depends what you mean by "partner". If this is someone you are casually dating, then it's a bit odd that you wouldn't tell them but up to you.

If this is a long term relationship equal to or approaching a marriage then I'd consider it a big problem from both angles- first that you don't trust them enough to believe they would accept you if they knew you were adopted and second that you are keeping a secret of that magnitude from them.

If I'd been with someone several years and found they hadn't told me something like this I'd wonder what else I didn't know and wouldn't fully trust them from then onwards.

That's before considering if you have children with that person, in which case they absolutely deserve to know that the child has unknown genetic history for medical purposes.

To be honest I hardly gave it much thought at the time or now 20 years later. Both of us left home at 17 and we have created our own happy family unit and been very fortunate in life. We saw the ex inlaw a few years ago and they were definitely probing to see if I held some kind of deep resentment from 20 years ago. We had just done our first ever emergency cesarian on a goat with the vet and had a lovely healthy kid goat which was the first daughter for our favourite goat after 7 boys. There's more to life than trying to work out why people do what they do. I don't think they liked that either. I think they were expecting some high drama or deep discussion on motivation and adoption. I must have been a let down to them again😂

Good for you. Glad to hear it’s all worked out for you

If you are with the right person, you should be able to tell them and there should be more judgement ... actually the opposite!

Also it really does not matter.

If your partner would "think differently" about you and your family then he does not sound like good partner material.....

Ok, well how would you feel if your long-term partner turned around after so many years and told you he had a child with a former partner that he never told you about?

Relationships need to be based on honesty and you would expect your partner to share the big details of their life with you. Otherwise I'd wonder what else they are hiding or could hide in the future.

I'm sorry there's a lot of shame attached to adoption but you still need to be as open with your partner as you'd expect them to be with you

@Timeforabitofpeace

Well it matters to the op so that's what is important.

@MeganM3 Im an adoptive mum, I do understand the hugely complex emotions around adoption. Im just so sorry that shame plays a part in that.
You have nothing to be ashamed about, but no amount of anyone else telling you that will make a difference until you do some work and start believing it yourself.
Personally I do think you should tell your partner. If you can't trust him with something so important then I would be questioning the relationship.
Thing is, secrets have a way of escalating.
My son is 21, we are quite open about adoption but that's not to say its something we broadcast.
But people know us as a single parent, one child family, yet he does have siblings and some contact with birth family, his foster carers and a teacher. He can't never talk about them, or hide the photos. So we just say we're an adopted family. Job done.
What if a member of your birth family looks for you, you would have to hide that and the secret builds.
Stuff has a way of coming out eventually. Better for you to tell him

I’m adopted and my partner has known since we met. I’ve needed his support in navigating some emotions around it over the years. I think you would be silly to not tell them but I guess I don’t know all the info

I would question the relationship of my DH kept something like that from me on the basis that as my DH he should be sharing his whole story, very big moment good and bad with me and being adopted is a big part of your story.

It doesn't matter but I do feel it's the sort of thing you would confide in with a partner.