Trigger warning: daughter told me she was raped.

[TempNameForAdvice25]

My 15 year old daughter ended her first relationship recently. She just told me that the relationship involved sex and that on one occasion the boy continued when she was saying no. She showed me a text message exchange where he admitted it. She has told a teacher at school too, I had a call from social services and it’s going to be reported to police.
I have to told my daughter that it’s her decision how far to take it and I will support her whatever. Please tell me honestly, do you think it will cause her more problems to report it? I don’t have much confidence in the police to treat her fairly and all this is the last thing she needs in her GCSE year. I’m reeling and don’t know where to turn

I don't have any advice but replying to bump this back into active; hopefully someone more helpful will see it. Your poor daughter, I'm so sorry you and she are going through this.

This exact scenario happened to my daughter. Same age, her boyfriend, the school reported it etc and even the apology text.

my daughter was interviewed (alone) for a first account which was recorded but cps said no further action as his text didn’t explicitly say I’m sorry I raped you. It said I am sorry for what I done - but that wasn’t enough. Not enough evidence, or dna etc

my daughter was even treated badly by the boys parents when she saw them in public. Apparently it’s gone as a caution on his file and his parents blamed my daughter for that.

Im sorry you and she are in this same scenario. Most rape cases end with non conviction. I think it depends on what he exactly wrote in that text for evidence.

This is something that happened to me when I was 17, I had split from my first ever boyfriend and went to a party and drank to much, I was put to bed and then all I remember was another boy from school was on top of me, I froze!!!
I was never the same after that!
I didn’t tell anyone until near my 30’s…. I was ashamed and didn’t think people would believe me because I was drunk!
Ive since had counselling and told family. It was a huge relief off my shoulders.
You have to be so proud your daughter told you, you just need to help guide her now and not force anything, it needs to come from her.
I don’t know how I feel about not going to the police at the time, numb maybe, maybe I should have because he probably did it to others after me. Who’s to know. I just knew at that moment in time I couldn’t talk to anyone.

Good Luck.

( I know it’s not the same but it might make you feel ok knowing that’s she knew the person and it wasn’t a violent attack from a stranger)

A very similar thing happened to a friends daughter. In all honesty it’s been horrendous. The other children very much took his side so she was labelled a slut and a liar. He carried on at the same school , she dropped out as can’t face it and is genuinely suicidal. The whole family is in bits, it has been utterly brutal for them.

My daughter has a case open against a family member, not for sexual offenses but other serious abuse and it’s destroying her waiting. It’s been 2 years and counting and I wish I’d talked her out of it and dealt with it another way. He’ll probably get away with it as well after all this damage. So sorry for your girl x

I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter baytree, and to you Issheok.
Thank you all for your honesty. The apology is very much as you said baytree, and I don’t have confidence in the CPS either. I’m also really worried about word getting out, others taking sides against my daughter. I don’t want this boy to destroy my beautiful girl’s future and chances. I don’t know what’s for the best.

There’s no right or wrong, I’d go with whatever she feels comfortable doing and take it from there.

I had a pretty traumatic time during my teens due to grooming and while every now and then it pops in my head “I wish I did so and so”, overall I think I made the right choice (for myself). I don’t trust our police and it would have been a lot of grief for very little consequences - if any, since it was the 00s.

Would you contact a Rape Crisis service who could
support and advise your daughter.

What is best is whatever she wants - this has to be her decision because it is her who needs to live with it.

I would tell her you believe her and love her and will support her in whatever she feels comfortable with and will be with her every step of the way because whatever she decides she will need your support

Just reading these comments make me feel beyond dismayed. How failed your daughters are by a system that is antiquated and delivers them more harm. I’m so sorry and I despair. I hope your children find some peace with the love you’re clearly giving them. I have DD’s of my own and I pray every day that they don’t come to harm.

How dreadful. I sat on a jury that tried a case very very similar. The boy was sentenced for rape. Only your daughter can decide what she feels she wants to do but personally I think every woman or girl in this situation should report it to the police.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter. If you're based in London can I suggest you contact the Havens, a specialist service for young people who have experienced sexual assault/abuse. They are brilliant, and if you're not in London they may well be able to advise of similar services in your area. Also, this page has useful info. https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Sorry this happened. She is brave for reporting it but be warned she will not be able to decide how far the prosecution goes, just how far she is involved in the case. But I’m proud of her / by reporting she willl make him think twice before raping again and hopefully this accusation would show up on Clare’s law requests by future partners

Thinking of you op. Must be so hard.

I would advise you getting all the information before ‘reporting’ formally. Such as
What is the current CPS backlog?
If it’s reported when/ how do they approach him- arrest or ‘chat’ etc.

Ask your dd what she wants out of all this. Some don’t want to police report if family believes them and offers support. Some want to rightfully have their say and report.

The most important thing is dd knowing if she reports- the outcome does not mean the law doesn’t believe her if it’s NFA’d as that can upset many as they feel they’re not believed.

You would need to check if it’s possible (due to ages) but I have known some rapes logged with police so if another whiteness / victim comes forward then they car contacted as it would potentially mean a stronger case.

Get her to see a SV counsellor and/ or an isva to discuss it (if she is open to).

Unfortunately if it were my dd, while I’d want to find and harm him myself, knowing the state of the CJ system I wouldn’t push her to report in this situation as there is unlikely to.be enough evidence- they had consensual sex previously so he will say he thought they were just doing as they had done. The text he can say he was apologising after an argument. In the meantime your daughter could lose friends and become ‘known’ by everyone at school for ‘causing trouble’.

Its so so wrong.
Keep supporting her and she wasn’t listened to when she told him no so you are doing the best thing you can by letting her have choices and going along with them.

I'm so sorry. It is very hard to know how to deal with it, of course he deserves to be punished, but will he be? The victim is re-tramatised over and over.
Sexual assault trials are sick, they comb through every medical record, private counselling records, the victim is put on trial. It is the most invasive investigation involving any victim.

I'm so sorry for your daughter.

I don't think you can tell someone what to do either way unfortunately although it's quite rare for rapists to be convicted, sadly.

This happened to my daughter, almost to the letter.

she disclosed it to a member of staff at school, so they reported it initially.

although many people will probably disagree with me - and I know why - I really really regret that it was reported.

it started this massive snowball of events , social services, cams , police , therapy.

although some came to the house , the vast majority of it happened in school, they would go and take her out of lessons , lots and lots of people were aware of the situation, then quickly lots of kids were who took sides .

after a long fact gathering mess around by the police (hinderd mainly by different county boarders if you can believe it) they decided it was one word against another.

this caused more upset at school as the lad told his mates ‘she was obviously lieing’

all of this input would have been great, if any of it helped in the slightest.
Social worker visited two or three times, promised to take her to macds for tea , then left the profession without saying goodbye. My daughter had taken to her and was hurt by this .

cams was a visit to three different members of staff, who then signed her off the program.

I would have happily privately paid for therapy to stop all that disruption for her .

the therapy that came into her school seemed a bit better, but by this point she was so guarded about new faces , being pulled out of lessons so other kids were aware that damage had been done. After 12 weeks they disappeared too , never to be seen of again.

it was over the course of a full school year , and every time she would settle down, someone else would come visit her to ‘help’ never giving her the opportunity to try move on !

it totally wrote off her year 10 , and I’m furious about it all.

so busy ticking boxes, that these agencies gave no regard to their impact on my daughter.

she still struggles with low mood and anxiety, and I actually attribute that to the aftermath, rather than the event itself.

she did manage to pass enough GCSEs , she did her first year at college and passed with an A and works 20 hours in a pt job .

She’s wobbling atm settling in for her second year at college, and it feels like we are walking on eggshells

@TempNameForAdvice25 I’m really sorry to read this. Reading some the replies makes me sad that young women are being failed like this. It may be better not to report it though it kills my finger tips writing this as it sounds so wrong. Get her some counselling, let her complete her GCSEs then she can move somewhere else for college. It’s very unfair these young boys start life getting away with rape. I’m very angry ( I have 2 teen daughters too). Im
sorry to all the others going through this x

Something similar happened toy daughter. I made it very clear that now more than ever it was her body and her choice. I would absolutely support her no matter what , I felt it was extremely important that she understood she had choice over her decision and she should take the control back . She had no proof other than her word against him , reported his behaviour and left it there . It was completely the right choice for her

I’m so so sorry this has happened to your DD. Ordinarily I am one for insisting on reporting crimes and wanting perpetrators to face the force of the law. However, the fact is that the criminal justice system is in a total mess. What that means is that cases are now being listed for 2/3 years down the line. I’m not sure that I could deal with this and that’s as a resilient woman in my 50s.

I think I’d focus on your DD. What does she want to do? Does she understand the process? Can you move schools? This is so wrong, that as a victim she should be in this position, but the stress that she will be put through will be considerable.

Perhaps you’ll get advice from someone closer to the courts… but that’s my take.

The police will take this seriously. In terms of disruption for her, she will be interviewed and then it will take a good while for them to investigate, and if they charge, it won't go to trial for a couple of years after that (as things stand at the moment).

So sorry to hear this op.
If you are in England or Wales there is rape crisis. They might be able offer impartial help.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

I’m sure there are equivalent services in Scotland and NI.

@TempNameForAdvice25

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter, and to all the other parents and their DC on this thread who have been through similar.

I came to highly recommend the Havens - I had to use their services unfortunately. They were very gentle and respectful with me. They also sign posted me to other support services.

I wish you and your DD all the best.