Trigger warning: daughter told me she was raped.

[TempNameForAdvice25]

My 15 year old daughter ended her first relationship recently. She just told me that the relationship involved sex and that on one occasion the boy continued when she was saying no. She showed me a text message exchange where he admitted it. She has told a teacher at school too, I had a call from social services and it’s going to be reported to police.
I have to told my daughter that it’s her decision how far to take it and I will support her whatever. Please tell me honestly, do you think it will cause her more problems to report it? I don’t have much confidence in the police to treat her fairly and all this is the last thing she needs in her GCSE year. I’m reeling and don’t know where to turn

A rape counsellor friend of mine told me that the best strategy for these things is to follow the lead of the young person. They may not want to badge their experience as rape, and if so, it can be best to go with that, because it can be less traumatic to them. Just a thought, anyway.

This is all really helpful thank you. Just feeling heard and cared about as well as your advice and experiences. I’m really sorry for everyone who has been through the same and sad at how common this is.
DD has good support from services and school, and feels very supported at home. I want her to feel in control and for her decisions to be informed. I also want it to have as little impact on her exams as possible. Unfortunately there is one very good sixth form in our area, she wants to go there and so does the boy. But I need to deal with the immediate things first. I’m very grateful for all the advice, feedback and hand holding

It is living nightmare. 🥰

Bumping your thread.

I haven't done replied directly to someone else's post before so I'm hoping this works, but in case not I just want to add to HelpMeUnpickThis comments about The Havens to say that we were in one of their parent groups and they gave such fantastic advice on making decisions about reporting and on dealing with the police if you do decide to go that route.

Wtf..I had a friend who's daughter was 13 when raped by her bf, she had a baby by 14...it went to court, but his word against hers.

Why are teenage boys raping!!!?

I was raped at 17 by a 29 year old customer of my parents pub. I felt so ashamed like it wasn’t really rape because I froze and was unable to speak so how was he supposed to know I didn’t want to, that maybe I’d led him on, etc. I didn’t tell anyone except my best friend. Then he started stalking me, and 6 weeks later he started showing up at my place of work during my shifts. The 3rd time it happened, I was in an extremely vulnerable position where I was essentially on my own and had a massive panic attack and meltdown. I had to explain to my manager what was wrong. They got me into the managers office and called my mum.

My parents, actually my dad, kept asking me if I was sure, had I caused it, etc. Then they made me go to the police to report it. I had to sit in and give a statement with my mum sat next to me. 18 pages, nearly 8 hours of interview, having to describe everything with my mum there. I wanted to be anywhere else. I didn’t want her to hear this. I didn’t want more judgement. I just wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened.

They arrested him the next day, but basically he said the exact same story as me - but said I consented. He said she said. The police decided not to prosecute.

Forcing me to go to the police and drag all of the story out and then nothing more being done was almost as traumatic as the rape.

please, please be led by your daughter. If she doesn’t want to report it, let that be her choice. Encourage her (gently) to keep any evidence in case she wants to go to the police later - she may never want to, but equally she might.

Give her back the power and control to make the decisions.

Same reasons they're choking, porn.
The world is a vile place poisoning minds.

@TempNameForAdvice25 That is really awful. I'm sorry that happened to your daughter. Many people don't realise the huge impact that can have beyond the victim, their family and close friends. There is a circle of secondary trauma.

I work in the legal area, and have seen the impact on families. As you see from other posters this is not an uncommon event. You'll also see from their replies, based on their first hand experience, how they have tried to deal with it.

The fact your daughter told you, shows how much she values your support. The fact she is reaching out for help is a good thing. As you (and others) say, try get some advice, and follow your daughters lead, even though she is so so young.

I wish the best for your daughter, you and your family..

@TempNameForAdvice25 one more thought based on my experience. I know you'll be rightly 100% focused on helping your daughter, but you must remember to take care of yourself too.

Over many years I've done training courses, attended conferences, workshops and there is one specific thing that I've seen help a lot of parents, partners, siblings in these cases. It is the book "The Body Keeps The Score". There is no solution there, but it does really help explain the basis for what you are feeling, why, the process, etc. The book works very well as an audiobook, people have told me they preferred that version.

It's something you could consider reading or listening too. It helped me better understand some of the interactions I've had over the years working in the legal area on serious cases.

If the school, social services and police are already involved it's likely out of your hands what happens next.

Thank you ByTheBanks, will definitely take a look at that book.

I disagree Badger, it’s not out of my hands or those of DD. The police want her to give an interview and in my view put inappropriate pressure on her. She needs to make an informed choice, and the time it will take and the impact on her are factors in that. It appals me that this boy will get away with what he’s done but I am prioritising my daughter and her mental wellbeing

A family member has had a rape case accepted by cps, they have had their evidence recorded, date set for trial and it was postponed and date yet to be set again, it will from what we have been told SIX years by then since it happened. Sounds unbelievable but I swear it's true. No way we are letting it drop but I will leave you all with this thought, the "accused " has been at large for the last 4+years, justice system on its knees.

If it gets to the point where he is aware there are chargers possibly going to come up against him then yes. Or, change her school.

But otherwise, honestly, no. It's not worth it. Unfortunately. Years of things getting ready for trial (various court dates and then set court dates canceled at the last minute and rescheduled etc...). It's hard enough on an adult. The courts probably more traumatising than what happened to her. Having to talk about it Infront of a bunch of men too.

If she was my teen I'd just move far away with her. Be sure to reassure her consistently that it was not her fault. And see about enrolling her in the freedom progam to help her spot abusers in future.

Six years Zero. It’s horrific. I’m so sorry for your family member going through that.

She’s in her GCSE year, moving away or moving school would undo all the hard work she’s put in. I don’t want this incident to define her future. She is not the one in the wrong, why should she let him affect her education.

I'm so sorry that this happened to her.

I'm also very sorry to say that I think it would probably cause more harm than good to report. The prosecution rates are abysmal and it's likely to wind up causing your daughter a lot of grief as many rush to blame the woman / girl in this type of scenario.

This isn't how things should be. I'm sorry

Would it though? I mean the curriculum is the same everywhere.

Does she want to move school? Or even, leave? If so I'd let her. She can. Always do her GCSE in college at a later point if she wants. They are only exams, they can be done any time. Though maybe if she wants to go to uni with friends who are going to the same place, this year, it might be worth staying.

Exams should not define her future either. They shouldn't mean she has to stay and struggle in a place she doesn't feel safe or happy.

Even if she seems fine staying you should make it very clear to her she has other options

Unfortunately the incident will drag out if it's going to be dealt with in court. Potentially into her uni years. It will mean travel back home for court dates too. It will be very disruptive. So if you are afraid of a little bit of disruption now then you certainly aren't in a place to start this process.

It's a fight. A long fight. Either she's a warrior going to war or she isn't. And there's no shame in the isn't.

That’s actually really unhelpful SodTheSystem. Many women are warriors but there is very little point in setting out on a battle that’s rigged against you before you start. It’s not about being “afraid of disruption”, it’s years and years of having this dominate her mind and her life, with no real chance of justice. My daughter is a warrior but she isn’t cannon fodder.

Exams DO define your future, without them there is no chance of getting work. The curriculum is different for each exam board, and the chances of getting another school place in Y11 and being able to pick up all the same subjects exactly where she is are zero. And why on earth should she?

That's not true though. There's no chance of getting into uni but getting 'work', is easy enough.

If she wants to do something specific like veterinarian and worries she might not be able to get the exact subjects elsewhere, fair enough. But otherwise, meh!

Plenty of work around. Plenty of other courses. Plenty of time to go to uni.

No ones said she 'should'. I'm saying she should be told she can. Pressure about exams (or worry about letting her mother down in them) shouldn't keep her somewhere IF she wants to leave. The point us she needs to know it's an option and she doesn't have to stay and be tough so as not to 'let others down'.

With your first part we are saying the same thing.
I am pointing out that op is afraid of disruption for her daughter. And that there will be a lot more of that to come if she proceeds. Perhaps though the warrior word choice should be ammended to - even warriors need to choose their battles.

I’m not finding your input helpful here. Any even entry level job requires a GCSE pass
in English and Maths. You are suggesting my daughter and whole family should uproot ourselves and move - sod my job and her sister’s education and friendships too presumably! I am not putting pressure on her by saying she’s “letting me down”; I am trying to keep some normality, prioritise what is important and not allow one boy to dictate my child’s whole future. You would do something different - fine. It’s not what I intend to do.

I'm not suggesting it at all. I'm just saying she needs to know it's an option for her IF she wants to take it. I'm not suggesting that you are pressuring her, I'm saying that she may be worried that you might feel let down if she wants to take a break. It's important for her to know you won't be so she isn't forcing herself to see that creep every day just because she doesn't want to let you down.

You can take basic math and English GCSEs in many colleges. No need for job changes or moving or any of that.

I'm just saying not to catasrophise because she will be stressed as is and worried about you.

*Assuming it's the same where you are that is. Because I did all of my 8 in college here in Scotland. And they were the best years after an awful school life.

I'm just saying, there are *hopefully, options.

Hopefully she is feeling up to staying though of course.

Rape Crisis, cited up thread, is a good shout. My experience FWIW: De-escalate. No 'warrior' language. No openly stressing about her education and making the stakes feel higher for her. Normality is really imporatnt after a traumatic event, so keep up routines whilst being available to listen/act when she needs it. He is a shit, and whatever feelings she has are a normal healthy reaction, avoid medicalising. Repeat that its not her fault, the system is shite, and that her life WILL go on.

I agree that Rape Crisis or a similar local service is advisable. An appointment with GP too - at the very least it will be another place her experience is recorded, and it will kick start any CAMHS support required.

It will be the last thing she or you are thinking about now, but if she cooperates with the police investigation she will likely be eligible for Criminal Injuries Compensation - money that could well be helpful for therapy, additional tutoring, getting away from him to university and so on.

Even if CPS decline to prosecute, the fact of the police investigation could also be helpful when it comes to support and arrangements if both are at same 6th form. And perhaps in barring him from certain courses.

This is really helpful thank you