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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Doing checks too early is putting me off

110 replies

keyser · 16/09/2025 14:05

So, I have started dating this lovely woman, 2 dates within 1 month and she has request personal information etc to do Clare's law(she asked for personal information, address history), sexual test(share results etc)

I do like her obviously, we talk daily, but I do not feel comfortable to do all these things just after 1 month, I am not even sure yet if we are an item yet, if we will be sexually compatible etc. She has never been abused or anything so no trauma that I would assume is triggering her.

I get it is for security but am I silly for feeling this way? She has a kid but i have not even suggested to meet the child or go to her house etc.

For context, I am in the military, I have a clean record, never been arrested or stopped for a single things in my 40 years on earth. I am not hiding anything, I just feel like she is jumping too ahead and it is putting me off sending someone my address history etc. I do not even know her child's name as she has only told me his nickname and I do not wish to ask until she feels like she can tell me

OP posts:
Willthiswork12 · 16/09/2025 15:59

ChristmasFluff · 16/09/2025 15:56

Even if a Claire's Law request comes back clean, it doesn't mean the person isn't abusive, just that they haven't been reported before. I was the first person to report the abusive ex - if I'd done a CL request on him nothing would have come up.

If people have concerns, the safest thing to do is to end the relationship.

There is no way I'd be giving personal details to anyone 2 dates in - and I'd see their request as a cause for concern and would end the relationship.

Quite. I think many women dont report abuse 😢

Empress13 · 16/09/2025 16:02

I do think this is too soon after 2 dates but totally understand why women should do this. Be careful you’ve only met her twice she could be a
scammer

Original poster
keyser · 16/09/2025 16:02

ChristmasFluff · 16/09/2025 15:56

Even if a Claire's Law request comes back clean, it doesn't mean the person isn't abusive, just that they haven't been reported before. I was the first person to report the abusive ex - if I'd done a CL request on him nothing would have come up.

If people have concerns, the safest thing to do is to end the relationship.

There is no way I'd be giving personal details to anyone 2 dates in - and I'd see their request as a cause for concern and would end the relationship.

This is actually an important thing you raised here, I worked with an Indian lady whose husband put her hair on fire, she never reported it to the police either and I am sure anyone would fall for him and just judge as per clean record.

This is a valid point you raise here

OP posts:
Iiiiiiiou · 16/09/2025 16:02

Why are you wasting each others' time? If you're not sure after a couple of dates whether you want to see her long term then blow it off.

If she wants to take it further then why wouldn't she want to know these things before she gets too excited and involved?

I wouldn't be surprised if this was entirely made up though.

Iiiiiiiou · 16/09/2025 16:02

Why are you wasting each others' time? If you're not sure after a couple of dates whether you want to see her long term then blow it off.

If she wants to take it further then why wouldn't she want to know these things before she gets too excited and involved?

I wouldn't be surprised if this was entirely made up though.

CausalInference · 16/09/2025 16:04

You absolutely aren't being unreasonable to not want to share your personal information with someone after 2 casual dates! I'd politely decline, she is literally a stranger you've briefly met twice. I doubt she'd be keen to share all her personal information with you.

JadziaD · 16/09/2025 16:04

I am all in favour of women protecting themselves but quite frankly, this sounds like a scam to me. Why on earth would you give out this level of personal detail to someone you've met twice?

As for Claire's law, it makes me cross if she thinks she can jsut do a claire's law request on every man she meets. That is not a good use of police time.

The STD thing is a bit different - I'd epect anyone going into a new relationship and considering sex to be thinking about this and most likely at some point discussing it, but I wouldn't have expected to do it after 2 dates. Maybe things have changed but in my day we were just very careful with protection and then at some point we decided if this was a bit moe serious and did the full STD check and changed protection strategy accordingly.

summitfever · 16/09/2025 16:07

shes probably just fed up investing a bunch of time in people that turn out to be asshats and taking quite extreme measures to try and protect her emotions. It’s too much but old drives you mental. Let’s face it shagging after a month and a few dates isn’t out the ordinary and by the time you’ve caught an sti or found out the guys a nutter you’re already invested. Try reassuring her about the claires law stuff, do the sti test if you like her that’s good practice anyway but if she seems too paranoid I’d be running away as that’s only going to transfer to other aspects of the relationship if there’s no trust.

Original poster
keyser · 16/09/2025 16:10

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 16/09/2025 15:02

sexual test(share results etc)

So you’ve had two dates, I’d say sex might be soonish? I wouldn’t be keen to have sex without both doing a test. I don’t think that’s an outrageous view.

And handing over your address etc, I can see that feels off but from her point of view, let’s just say I’m sure she reads the headlines.

If you don’t want to, fair enough. It boils down to how much do you like her? Is she worth this? Do you think it might be a long term thing?

"I don’t think that’s an outrageous view" not at all , I agree but before I even hinted at doing anything intimate with you, i think its not the best decision

OP posts:
Willthiswork12 · 16/09/2025 16:10

summitfever · 16/09/2025 16:07

shes probably just fed up investing a bunch of time in people that turn out to be asshats and taking quite extreme measures to try and protect her emotions. It’s too much but old drives you mental. Let’s face it shagging after a month and a few dates isn’t out the ordinary and by the time you’ve caught an sti or found out the guys a nutter you’re already invested. Try reassuring her about the claires law stuff, do the sti test if you like her that’s good practice anyway but if she seems too paranoid I’d be running away as that’s only going to transfer to other aspects of the relationship if there’s no trust.

Edited

Yes but that is called life. Most people have been lied to by a guy or led on at some stage. Sad but true

Doesn't mean you waste police time with a background check on everyone you meet.

Henbags · 16/09/2025 16:11

Definitely far too early to be making such requests. Not that you should have to request Clare's Law at any stage in a relationship? I understand about being safe sexually, but that is a conversation that you would both have further down the line if you were ready to have sex.

mamagogo1 · 16/09/2025 16:12

Say what you have said here, that you like her but you really aren’t sure it’s a going to be a long term thing yet, that you are fine going down that path if the relationship progresses but for now you are just getting to know each other.

I’ll be honest, I googled my now husband after meeting him for the first time to look for red flags, there were none, I also wanted to ensure he really was who he said he was, he was. He had done the same thing about me and found my name splattered in local media where I lived, about the charity I ranSmile

GarlicPint · 16/09/2025 16:12

Thelandlordsdaughter1 · 16/09/2025 15:23

I can't fathom how people expect the police have the time to be doing all of these Claire's law checks. So many people in a new relationship request them as a precautionary measure, even if there are zero grounds for the check to be made.

I do agree with this. The cops have to go through quite a process and be able to justify their decision to reveal/withhold a subject's history.

In the USA anyone can request a person's criminal record, or even pay an online agency something like a tenner to do it.

See, if we were less protective of people's data, that police resource would be freed up and men like OP would have no reason to be nervous 🙃

Original poster
keyser · 16/09/2025 16:13

summitfever · 16/09/2025 16:07

shes probably just fed up investing a bunch of time in people that turn out to be asshats and taking quite extreme measures to try and protect her emotions. It’s too much but old drives you mental. Let’s face it shagging after a month and a few dates isn’t out the ordinary and by the time you’ve caught an sti or found out the guys a nutter you’re already invested. Try reassuring her about the claires law stuff, do the sti test if you like her that’s good practice anyway but if she seems too paranoid I’d be running away as that’s only going to transfer to other aspects of the relationship if there’s no trust.

Edited

I have just texted her that "considering that we are still just getting to know each other, i think it is too soon and i am not comfortable to have my information checked etc".

If she has faced issues before, i get it but you cannot paint everyone with the same brush and subject everyone to the same scrutiny just because.

Anyway, if she is not okay with my take, I will move on.

OP posts:
TheFatCatSatOnTheMat · 16/09/2025 16:13

I think this is too much. Claire’s Law is there to help people who have a suspicion. If every woman used it after a date or two it would be unmanageable for the police and potentially cause delays.

ozarina · 16/09/2025 16:14

Do the police have the facility to do this check for everyone's potential partner ?

GarlicPint · 16/09/2025 16:21

keyser · 16/09/2025 16:13

I have just texted her that "considering that we are still just getting to know each other, i think it is too soon and i am not comfortable to have my information checked etc".

If she has faced issues before, i get it but you cannot paint everyone with the same brush and subject everyone to the same scrutiny just because.

Anyway, if she is not okay with my take, I will move on.

Show quote history

This would actually put me off you (don't worry, you wouldn't like me anyway). I would not have thought of doing a thorough check with a new boyfriend - but if I had, I'd expect him to perhaps negotiate. Maybe say the health check and whichever background you want to run, but no to previous addresses: ie, no financial check right now. Something like that.

You've clearly been offended by her ask. This makes me feel you maintain tight control over the information you let out, such that you aren't at all 'open' in the way I'd hope a potential partner to be.

Anyway. It's obviously your choice. Seems she liked you more than you like her.

Whateverwillwedonow · 16/09/2025 16:23

It sounds dodgy to me.

Claire’s law is great and needed but I would be so suspicious about how she is approaching it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2025 16:25

I think lots of people have sex on the third date so I think std checks are sensible. I wouldn’t go to a private place where sex would happen with a man who wouldn’t share his address or employer with me in case of murder etc. so you might be at a stale mate.

TwistedWonder · 16/09/2025 16:26

ozarina · 16/09/2025 16:14

Do the police have the facility to do this check for everyone's potential partner ?

Absolutely not and it’s a waste of police responses if checks are being asked for every bloke she has a coffee with.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/09/2025 16:26

keyser · 16/09/2025 16:13

I have just texted her that "considering that we are still just getting to know each other, i think it is too soon and i am not comfortable to have my information checked etc".

If she has faced issues before, i get it but you cannot paint everyone with the same brush and subject everyone to the same scrutiny just because.

Anyway, if she is not okay with my take, I will move on.

Show quote history

She can request and judge as she sees fit and that's her perogative, just as yours is to decline to agree and walk away.

There's far too many predatory men about, she's doing what she thinks is best to protect herself and her child.

BauhausOfEliott · 16/09/2025 16:26

TheFatCatSatOnTheMat · 16/09/2025 16:13

I think this is too much. Claire’s Law is there to help people who have a suspicion. If every woman used it after a date or two it would be unmanageable for the police and potentially cause delays.

Absolutely this.

Claire's Law isn't just a free vetting service for people who want to decide whether to go on a third date and she's being wildly OTT to want to make that request at this stage.

I'm a former victim of domestic violence and I'm very much pro Claire's Law, but this isn't how it's meant to be used and would soon become unworkable if it was.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2025 16:26

Ps how on earth do you know after two dates that she’s never been abused? Lots of women have and she may well have a close friend who has been

BauhausOfEliott · 16/09/2025 16:29

mamagogo1 · 16/09/2025 16:12

Say what you have said here, that you like her but you really aren’t sure it’s a going to be a long term thing yet, that you are fine going down that path if the relationship progresses but for now you are just getting to know each other.

I’ll be honest, I googled my now husband after meeting him for the first time to look for red flags, there were none, I also wanted to ensure he really was who he said he was, he was. He had done the same thing about me and found my name splattered in local media where I lived, about the charity I ranSmile

Googling someone is completely different to submitting a request under Claire's Law though. Claire's Law provides information that often couldn't be found by googling.

Original poster
keyser · 16/09/2025 16:32

GarlicPint · 16/09/2025 16:21

This would actually put me off you (don't worry, you wouldn't like me anyway). I would not have thought of doing a thorough check with a new boyfriend - but if I had, I'd expect him to perhaps negotiate. Maybe say the health check and whichever background you want to run, but no to previous addresses: ie, no financial check right now. Something like that.

You've clearly been offended by her ask. This makes me feel you maintain tight control over the information you let out, such that you aren't at all 'open' in the way I'd hope a potential partner to be.

Anyway. It's obviously your choice. Seems she liked you more than you like her.

Show quote history

Not once did I suggest i have been offended, again the issue is I think doing this after 1 month of talking to someone is not comfortable for me. You think it's wise to just spill your personal details to everyone you meet online after one month just because you fancy them? Interesting thought you have there.

FYI i think for Clare's law, it is easier or quicker if you provide "addresses". My thought would be, If i say yes do it and then refuse to give addresses, it raises questions/red flag.

I do agree it should be done once you wish to have sex with someone but the issue here is , We only met twice, nothing beyond a hello and goodbye hug, I have not hinted once that I want to lay with her and I think via text , sex talk has been nothing beyond her telling me that she didn't sleep with her ex for the last 6 months of their relationship.

I

OP posts:
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