Doing checks too early is putting me off

[keyser]

So, I have started dating this lovely woman, 2 dates within 1 month and she has request personal information etc to do Clare's law(she asked for personal information, address history), sexual test(share results etc)

I do like her obviously, we talk daily, but I do not feel comfortable to do all these things just after 1 month, I am not even sure yet if we are an item yet, if we will be sexually compatible etc. She has never been abused or anything so no trauma that I would assume is triggering her.

I get it is for security but am I silly for feeling this way? She has a kid but i have not even suggested to meet the child or go to her house etc.

For context, I am in the military, I have a clean record, never been arrested or stopped for a single things in my 40 years on earth. I am not hiding anything, I just feel like she is jumping too ahead and it is putting me off sending someone my address history etc. I do not even know her child's name as she has only told me his nickname and I do not wish to ask until she feels like she can tell me

It does feel like a lot. But if you like her surely it's worth it. As you say, you've nothing to hide. So Clare's law would come up with nothing.

As for STDs, don't you want to be certain your partner is clear, and that you are? No harm can come of doing that.

If I was her asking those things and you refused, I wouldn't think it was just because I was too intrusive. I'd assume it's because you've done something wrong or had an STI.

sexual test(share results etc)

So you’ve had two dates, I’d say sex might be soonish? I wouldn’t be keen to have sex without both doing a test. I don’t think that’s an outrageous view.

And handing over your address etc, I can see that feels off but from her point of view, let’s just say I’m sure she reads the headlines.

If you don’t want to, fair enough. It boils down to how much do you like her? Is she worth this? Do you think it might be a long term thing?

After two dates?

‘She has never been abused or anything’

you know this how?

a tiny handful of people I know are aware of what happened to me. I certainly wouldn’t go around telling people early on in dating.

sadly there isn’t a check for people being ignorant!

Far too early and as timeline who deals with financial crime and scammers as part of my job, I would advise very strongly about giving out this much information to what is a virtual stranger.

I'm not sure why you keep mentioning her kids. I'd hope that meeting them is at least a year down the line.

This isn't about the kids safety, this is about her safety. She obviously is interested in continuing to date you, and wants to do her due diligence so that she feels that you're a safe bet.

I may have slightly extreme position on this, but it comes from experience. My Sister in Law met a nice man, they went on a few dates. They kissed, nothing more. Date 5, they're walking from one pub to another, and he drags her down an alley and rapes her. Turned out later he had prior convictions. She still suffers from the after effects 15 years later, it effectively ruined her life.

Clares Law didn't exist back then. If it had, and if SIL had thought to use it at the point the woman you're dating wants to now, SIL's entire life would have turned out entirely differently.

And you're objecting because of what? The fact you find the idea that you might be a wrong'un or have an STD offensive?

Absolutely. This woman can’t just request a police check on every bloke she meets for a couple of drinks. Thats not what the law is there for

Well to be fair an STI test is because you’re anticipating sex soon. If OP said no, maybe in a few months then that’s half his OP we can ignore for now.

It's not my business except that the OP is here asking for advice and this is relevant info in the circumstances. OP's partner will want to do these checks before they sleep together.

I think it's intrusive and a bit early but I'm sure she has her reasons.

The problem is if you say no she will think you have something to hide.

I would say many womens first thoughts would not be to do a clares law check and you also need to be in a relationship and have suspicions/showing behaviour traits. It seems a bit odd that after 2 dates she is requesting this.

The STD one well that depends I would say sensible but I would also say its also sensible regardless of STD results to use condoms!

I think however if this is going to go anywhere then its a case of having an open discussion about it.

Um...as far as I'm aware you can do Clare's Law with just a name (first and last) and date of birth. The police can look you up with just that info. She doesn't need your address, certainly not your address history. Pretty sure anyway. Also if it was me and felt iffy about you, I wouldn't say "I'm going to do Clare's Law, can I have your info." I'd gather as much info as I could/needed and do it without telling you because what if you did have a history, you're gonna get iffy and uncomfortable if you knew that's what she was doing. Sounds a bit weird tbh. I get why she's doing it, especially if she has a child, but to tell you that's what she wants to do is a bit odd.

She's a bit overkill. Too much, too soon.

Give her a miss and fine someone else. There are plenty more fish in the sea and this would put me off if I were you too.

She's a bit overkill. Too much, too soon.

Give her a miss and fine someone else. There are plenty more fish in the sea and this would put me off if I were you too.

I think it’s early too. I’d tell her you are happy to do checks but that you would prefer to wait a few more weeks and see if you are both happy to progress with a relationship.

One of my daughters sent me a photo of her proudly leaving a std clinic ( or whatever it’s called these days) she had recently started dating a new guy and wanted to show how responsible she was. It made me laugh but I loved the fact that she was being sensible.

You cant possibly know if she has any history of abuse, as you keep pointing out you have only met her twice.

It does seem quite a strong reaction from her. What point would you feel comfortable with doing these ch3cks OP? 10 dates in? 3 months?

I can't fathom how people expect the police have the time to be doing all of these Claire's law checks. So many people in a new relationship request them as a precautionary measure, even if there are zero grounds for the check to be made.

What a waste of police resource. Claire’s law is supposed to be when you have concerns - it’s not a vetting process for every new boyfriend someone has!

It would be an absolute no from me, I’d probably get some chaffing from how fast I’d run away.

I agree with you.

Youve met her twice. You havent been physical. It hasnt even come up yet. Youre still working out if you like her and want to see her again and she has you pegged as an abuser with syphilis.

So what happens if you pass all these tests, you may then continue to impress her?

As for every woman should do this, do you think the police have nothing better to do than check records of every man you have been on 2 dates with.

Id just tell her you have been on 2 dates and it's too soon for any of this and throw her back.

I’d be worried she was taking a credit card out under your name!

I believe when requesting Clare's Law, you have to have a reason to require the check. She'd have to have concerns regarding the OP's behaviour. If the woman has no concerns, and simply is making the request to vett potential men, I think the request would be denied.

I would personally not hand out such detailed information (which it isn't even clear she needs) to someone you've had two dates with. It would raise some red flags in terms of scams, as one pp cautioned. And, if it isn't a scam, I would still wonder why she is this cautious/wary/preemptive and what this signals about her potential behavior in a relationship, should one develop. I think STD tests - for both of you - might be sensible though if you plan to sleep together.

I feel she maybe doing this because she likes you a lot and doesn’t want to fall for the guy if his a wrong’un.

She is smart.

😂

Yeah right

Even if a Claire's Law request comes back clean, it doesn't mean the person isn't abusive, just that they haven't been reported before. I was the first person to report the abusive ex - if I'd done a CL request on him nothing would have come up.

If people have concerns, the safest thing to do is to end the relationship.

There is no way I'd be giving personal details to anyone 2 dates in - and I'd see their request as a cause for concern and would end the relationship.