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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice on partner using poppers

53 replies

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 19:27

So I found out my partner was hiding poppers to use whilst alone, this made me feel like i wasn't enough for him and he needed something extra to get off, it was the shock that he'd even use it and not be open with me but not just that it was the hiding it and lying becoming sneaky. He said he wasn't going to use them anymore and apologised for not being open with me, it's now been almost a year I'd say since that and something just wasn't feeling right so I had a look around and I found poppers hidden away, he's on a work trip tonight and has taken them with him but he doesn't know I know. It's not even the poppers that is bothering me the most its the lying, hiding them in a place he's gone out his way to think of so I'd never find them. It's just making me feel really weird, I asked his yesterday aswell in a calm environment if there is anything he feels I should know about as I have seen a difference in his behaviour and being distant and not really interested in what I'm saying like he's not listening but acting like he is. He promised me nothing even though I said he can tell me anything and it won't lead to judgement just that I hope he can be transparent and he's chose to keep it a secret still.... How do I go about asking him as I've looked through his stuff to find the answer and genuinely feel bad for doing so I just couldn't ignore my instict any longer. I just don't know how to go about it when I've offered a safe space for him to open up already.
Any advice would be really appreciated 👏

OP posts:

Dorabledoreen · 15/09/2025 19:33

I thought they were used mainly for gay sex but I’m no expert.

The lies and deceit would finish it for me. Raise your bar @sparkle420 .

Original poster

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 19:38

@Dorabledoreen He's into anal play on himself, I'm not there yet with joining in as I only found out a good few years down the line... I just don't know how to approach him if I've already gave him a space to talk with no judgement or anger.

OP posts:

LivingWithANob · 15/09/2025 19:50

Yes arent they used to relax your arsehole?

is he having an affair? Bit weird int it?

Account734 · 15/09/2025 20:07

I'd assume he is cheating on me and I'd get tested for STDs. Sorry OP!

Teachingagain · 15/09/2025 20:08

Dorabledoreen · 15/09/2025 19:33

I thought they were used mainly for gay sex but I’m no expert.

The lies and deceit would finish it for me. Raise your bar @sparkle420 .

That’s what I thought…

socks1107 · 15/09/2025 20:11

I think my first thought is who is he using them with, sorry op. I’d get an std test and a serious conversation

mumofoneAloneandwell · 15/09/2025 20:13

I'm sorry girl but it sounds to me as though he is gay and is acting on it.

Leave him.

Some gay men have a tough time but this man is a liar and a cheat x

Original poster

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:30

@mumofoneAloneandwell how do I get him to admit it though, I don't know if he's cheating I have no solid proof its just this sneaking around and the little lies I've caught are damaging and I don't know how to get him to open up to me

OP posts:

Maddy70 · 15/09/2025 20:33

I would assume he's having anal sex ..

Elektra1 · 15/09/2025 20:34

I have some gay male friends among whom using poppers is commonplace. They are all on PrEP. I don’t know anyone heterosexual who uses poppers. Yes the lying is a serious issue, but I would be more concerned about whether he is actually gay and possibly having unprotected anal sex without PrEP. Either way, it doesn’t sound good.

Dorabledoreen · 15/09/2025 20:35

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:30

I wouldn’t bother, just bin him. He’s not worth it.

Original poster

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:36

@Maddy70 he uses toys on himself, but it's the sneaking around lying I just don't know what to say to him that I already haven't to get him to open up and be transparent

OP posts:

user1476613140 · 15/09/2025 20:38

He's been doing too much opening up that is the problem... Get yourself checked over at the GUM clinic. Dump this one.

newfriend05 · 15/09/2025 20:39

socks1107 · 15/09/2025 20:11

I think my first thought is who is he using them with, sorry op. I’d get an std test and a serious conversation

This OP , your dont use poppers on your own if your using them for sex , I know people take them at raves for the hit .. but it if he’s into anal and taking poppers .. there’s other people in the mix

GimmieABreakOr3 · 15/09/2025 20:39

To be honest - what hetero male would store/hide/use poppers - this coupled by the lying and also the fact he likes anal play @sparkle420 would be enough to end the relationship for me.
Its not looking good, sorry.

Lollytea655 · 15/09/2025 20:42

He’s disappearing off for the night and has taken poppers with him, come on OP, surely that’s about as clear as it gets.

You don’t need a confession or a smoking gun, you can see what is going on here.

Original poster

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:43

@Elektra1 Well when he told me it came as a shock that he was into it as it was a few years into our relationship, I've tried experimenting with pegging, or just a plug and I just don't feel it's my thing I haven't been judgemental and I know he does it when he has some alone time but when I found the poppers something just felt really weird about it he said it just gave him a nice feeling and relaxed him abit down below, he said he wanted to stop using it because he did it more often than I thought and knew it was becoming a problem. when i saw it was mainly used by gay men it worried me but he assured me he likes women, he's worried about the judgement of liking anal play but can assure me he isn't gay. He stopped and now about a year later I just had a gut instict and found a new bottle he hid I feel like it's a betrayal and I don't know how to make him understand that I know something us up I don't know what but I know something

OP posts:

Robertplantgoddess · 15/09/2025 20:43

People who arent gay do use them for the rush. Wouldn't jump to the conclusion he is gay. They may not be for you but are legal.

Original poster

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:46

@Lollytea655 He's gone on a work trip, I don't want to jump to he's cheating because he could just be taking advantage of a hotel room alone to do it seeming as he knows how I feel about it it's just we've spoken about it and now I've found it agen just feels like a betrayal and I don't know what to say to him

OP posts:

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 15/09/2025 20:50

What is a 'popper'? I daren't google it!

I was think of Party Poppers - but it's clearly not that...🎉

Lollytea655 · 15/09/2025 20:53

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:46

Kindly OP I think you’re naive to think he’s using them solo on a work trip, a work trip is the perfect opportunity to meet someone anonymously in a hotel room, no strings and no link back for you to find out.

Either way he has broken your trust & lied, that is reason enough to call it a day. You don’t need a grand speech, stand by your boundary.

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 21:01

My husband and I occasionally use poppers. Not to ‘relax’ anything but because it very temporarily creates a feeling of eutrophic togetherness and elevates further the ‘ecstatic’ feeling of sex. It is not used and has never been used to ‘relax’ either of us for anal penetration within our relationship. We used to take them for a hit when we were out. They also give you the giggles if you’re in a happy mood anyway.

I have masturbated while using poppers.

My husband enjoys anal play and he is not remotely homeosexual and it’s quite the leap, just because he explores his own body to assume he’s gay. They’re not illegal, they’re not ‘harmful’ to a relationship in the same way that illegal drugs are although I do find it baffling that he’d cover this up as if they were.

LizzyEm · 15/09/2025 21:14

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:36

@Maddy70 he uses toys on himself, but it's the sneaking around lying I just don't know what to say to him that I already haven't to get him to open up and be transparent

Not telling you what he does when he wanks isn't sneaking about and lying. If he's using them alone, the poppers are none of your business. He doesn't have to declare his usage to you.

If you find out he's cheating, then you have a case.

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 22:53

Well i'd heard of poppers but didn't know much about them so just googled them.
The possible side affects on health are absolutely horrendous - including the risk of blinding yourself.
He must be mad taking them.

pinkdelight · 15/09/2025 23:09

Robertplantgoddess · 15/09/2025 20:43

People who arent gay do use them for the rush. Wouldn't jump to the conclusion he is gay. They may not be for you but are legal.

C’mon, he’s hiding poppers, into anal play, trying to get OP into pegging him. He ain’t using them just for the rush. She’s been innocent enough and he’s been sneaky enough that it’s taken years already for her to get to this point. Last thing she needs is the idea this is some normal thing and not at all super suspicious. If he’s not actively sleeping with men already, which wouldn’t surprise me, he wants to and will and needs to be honest with himself and most of all with OP so she’s not tying herself in knots and kept in the dark over this.

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