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Original poster

Need advice on partner using poppers

53 replies

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 19:27

So I found out my partner was hiding poppers to use whilst alone, this made me feel like i wasn't enough for him and he needed something extra to get off, it was the shock that he'd even use it and not be open with me but not just that it was the hiding it and lying becoming sneaky. He said he wasn't going to use them anymore and apologised for not being open with me, it's now been almost a year I'd say since that and something just wasn't feeling right so I had a look around and I found poppers hidden away, he's on a work trip tonight and has taken them with him but he doesn't know I know. It's not even the poppers that is bothering me the most its the lying, hiding them in a place he's gone out his way to think of so I'd never find them. It's just making me feel really weird, I asked his yesterday aswell in a calm environment if there is anything he feels I should know about as I have seen a difference in his behaviour and being distant and not really interested in what I'm saying like he's not listening but acting like he is. He promised me nothing even though I said he can tell me anything and it won't lead to judgement just that I hope he can be transparent and he's chose to keep it a secret still.... How do I go about asking him as I've looked through his stuff to find the answer and genuinely feel bad for doing so I just couldn't ignore my instict any longer. I just don't know how to go about it when I've offered a safe space for him to open up already.
Any advice would be really appreciated 👏

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 15/09/2025 23:14

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 21:01

My husband and I occasionally use poppers. Not to ‘relax’ anything but because it very temporarily creates a feeling of eutrophic togetherness and elevates further the ‘ecstatic’ feeling of sex. It is not used and has never been used to ‘relax’ either of us for anal penetration within our relationship. We used to take them for a hit when we were out. They also give you the giggles if you’re in a happy mood anyway.

I have masturbated while using poppers.

My husband enjoys anal play and he is not remotely homeosexual and it’s quite the leap, just because he explores his own body to assume he’s gay. They’re not illegal, they’re not ‘harmful’ to a relationship in the same way that illegal drugs are although I do find it baffling that he’d cover this up as if they were.

Edited

You tack that on at the end about him covering it up as if it’s a minor detail when the truth is the whole tenor of OP’s relationship is not like yours and DH’s because it isn’t this open shared thing they do as a trusting committed couple. What they have done together has come from him, it’s not a mutual thing, and the rest is his own sneaky activity, which signals very different inclinations to yours. I’m glad for you and DH that you’re enjoying your poppers and anal play, but OP is in a very different boat.

FirstCuppa · 15/09/2025 23:15

Agree they're notoriously used for gay sex, so I'd assume he was trying out male sex on the side, sorry.

Also, he does realise it's actually your brain cells you hear popping, doesn't he? Why would anyone have fun hearing that? Not my bag baby.

pinkdelight · 15/09/2025 23:20

I hate that the main thing you’re worrying about, OP, is that you’re in the wrong for looking. As if that’s the issue when he’s been hiding things and not being straight (pun not intended) with you. If he’s turns this on you and makes you question your instincts after all this time, then you know he’s never gonna be honest and you have to look out for yourself.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/09/2025 23:37

I know someone who died after taking “ poppers “.That word sounds so innocuous, but it’s really dangerous chemicals that it’s easy to overdose on, and the cumulative effect can induce a heart attack. It’s not just a bit of fun, something to get off on.
He needs to understand the dangers. Lying is the least of it, hopefully you don’t have children together.

ainsleysanob · 16/09/2025 06:01

pinkdelight · 15/09/2025 23:14

You tack that on at the end about him covering it up as if it’s a minor detail when the truth is the whole tenor of OP’s relationship is not like yours and DH’s because it isn’t this open shared thing they do as a trusting committed couple. What they have done together has come from him, it’s not a mutual thing, and the rest is his own sneaky activity, which signals very different inclinations to yours. I’m glad for you and DH that you’re enjoying your poppers and anal play, but OP is in a very different boat.

Show quote history

If you’d have bothered to use my post in the context that it was intended, then you’d have come to a very different opinion on why I had posted.

Many of the comments in response to OPs post were ‘oh he must be gay’, ‘oh he’s definitely having anal sex today in his hotel’, it’s ‘weird’, ‘no heterosexual couples use poppers’, ‘no one uses poppers on their own’.

So, instead of them supporting her in her issue that No, he shouldn’t be covering it up or hiding it, yet also understanding that he shouldn’t have to tell ANYONE what he does with his own body or uses whilst he does it (providing it’s legal), they’ve told her that he is DEFINITELY shagging men!

pinkdelight · 16/09/2025 06:20

ainsleysanob · 16/09/2025 06:01

If you’d have bothered to use my post in the context that it was intended, then you’d have come to a very different opinion on why I had posted.

Many of the comments in response to OPs post were ‘oh he must be gay’, ‘oh he’s definitely having anal sex today in his hotel’, it’s ‘weird’, ‘no heterosexual couples use poppers’, ‘no one uses poppers on their own’.

So, instead of them supporting her in her issue that No, he shouldn’t be covering it up or hiding it, yet also understanding that he shouldn’t have to tell ANYONE what he does with his own body or uses whilst he does it (providing it’s legal), they’ve told her that he is DEFINITELY shagging men!

Show quote history

Which is probably what she needs to hear tbf. But we’ll agree to disagree.

ohoneday · 16/09/2025 06:34

Poppers used to be popular in the rave/clubbing scene back in the day and subsequently in the hetro sex that went with that. How did he discover them? Through clubbing and taking other drugs? Maybe he’s got addicted to the buzz and is feeling shame (that goes with any addiction)…

fastingforweightloss · 16/09/2025 08:09

You have told him he can be open with you about poppers and anal penetration, so he should be over the moon and taking you up on your offer.

Instead, he is choosing to hide it away from you. Why would be my question? Sorry, but I think he's having a secret sex life with men.

I don't buy into the whole "he's taken them on a work trip for solo fun". The LAST thing I would take on a work trip is my vibrator. Seriously!

Get into his phone and have a good look.

beedlebumps · 16/09/2025 09:18

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:30

@mumofoneAloneandwell how do I get him to admit it though, I don't know if he's cheating I have no solid proof its just this sneaking around and the little lies I've caught are damaging and I don't know how to get him to open up to me

Why do you need him to admit it? What difference will it make?

The thing is, if he wants to have sexual activity that doesn't involve you, he will, and you cannot stop him. If this involves toys, poppers, and other people, he's an adult and he's free to make that decision. It might not be morally right, but he can do it if he wants.

You've already got evidence that this is happening. What is important now is you making a decision about what you want. Don't put your energy into trying to control him, because you can't, especially not in this. Orgasm is an extremely powerful motivator for men. Do you want to stay in a relationship with a man who has sexual interests that don't line up with yours and who you already know is happy to lie to you?

You can decide that this isn't a deal breaker for you and accept this side of him, or you can decide that this relationship isn't working for you because of these things and exit it.

Original poster
sparkle420 · 16/09/2025 09:23

@pinkdelight I had a call off him last night and it seemed quite rushed and I just felt upset that I've been waiting to talk to him all night and then I only get 2 mins on the phone so I asked him if he had taken the sex toys and why wouldn't he tell me he said he still feels uncomfortable with what his kink is and feels ashamed and because I don't bring it up or act on it whilst we're in the bedroom he thought he had to keep it to himself, I said I've always tried to help you and his immediate reply was have you though and he said it in a voice I've never heard before like he resented me for not being into pegging and stuff it just really hurt because yes I'm not 100% but I've never shamed him, I've attempted multiple times to gibe him what he wants but something about it just turns me right off, i asked if he was using poppers and he immediately got defensive said he has done after our chat but not recently how do I know about the poppers I said its obvious to me that you'd take them and I'd appreciate you didn't lie and hide them hebsaid he didn't lie he just didn't tell me about them so I've tried to talk to him agen and it just turned into a horrible conversation

OP posts:
Tkaequondo · 16/09/2025 09:24

I am sorry just that phrase "Anal play" and I would be running for the fucking hills

Libertylawn · 16/09/2025 09:32

“Well that’s enough internet for today.”

<slams laptop shut>

beedlebumps · 16/09/2025 09:36

sparkle420 · 16/09/2025 09:23

@pinkdelight I had a call off him last night and it seemed quite rushed and I just felt upset that I've been waiting to talk to him all night and then I only get 2 mins on the phone so I asked him if he had taken the sex toys and why wouldn't he tell me he said he still feels uncomfortable with what his kink is and feels ashamed and because I don't bring it up or act on it whilst we're in the bedroom he thought he had to keep it to himself, I said I've always tried to help you and his immediate reply was have you though and he said it in a voice I've never heard before like he resented me for not being into pegging and stuff it just really hurt because yes I'm not 100% but I've never shamed him, I've attempted multiple times to gibe him what he wants but something about it just turns me right off, i asked if he was using poppers and he immediately got defensive said he has done after our chat but not recently how do I know about the poppers I said its obvious to me that you'd take them and I'd appreciate you didn't lie and hide them hebsaid he didn't lie he just didn't tell me about them so I've tried to talk to him agen and it just turned into a horrible conversation

You thought over the phone while he's on a work trip was a good time to have a conversation about this?

ainsleysanob · 16/09/2025 11:12

sparkle420 · 16/09/2025 09:23

@pinkdelight I had a call off him last night and it seemed quite rushed and I just felt upset that I've been waiting to talk to him all night and then I only get 2 mins on the phone so I asked him if he had taken the sex toys and why wouldn't he tell me he said he still feels uncomfortable with what his kink is and feels ashamed and because I don't bring it up or act on it whilst we're in the bedroom he thought he had to keep it to himself, I said I've always tried to help you and his immediate reply was have you though and he said it in a voice I've never heard before like he resented me for not being into pegging and stuff it just really hurt because yes I'm not 100% but I've never shamed him, I've attempted multiple times to gibe him what he wants but something about it just turns me right off, i asked if he was using poppers and he immediately got defensive said he has done after our chat but not recently how do I know about the poppers I said its obvious to me that you'd take them and I'd appreciate you didn't lie and hide them hebsaid he didn't lie he just didn't tell me about them so I've tried to talk to him agen and it just turned into a horrible conversation

OP - what is it that you’re most upset about? I’m confused about what it is you think he should have told you? Providing he isn’t cheating then I’m not sure what it is you think he should tell you?

MorrisseysMisery · 16/09/2025 11:41

I feel quite sick reading this. Not with regards to the act of anal sex or homosexuality, its the sneakiness, the awkward phone call, the taking of the poppers on a work trip etc.
I would run swiftly for the nearest hills (The Pennines) at the mere suggestion of anal play.
Aside from this, my late MiL had a cat from a kitten she named Popper. She could not understand why me and my silly husband found it so funny. She was oblivious. We ended up calling him P- Kitty.
Sorry for derail.

Megifer · 16/09/2025 11:46

What a terrible day to have eyes.

Sorry op, not very supportive of me! I think you need to bin him off this relationship won't work out IMO

applebee33 · 16/09/2025 12:10

Oh dear op, I know you’re prob in denial but this man is having gay sex when he isn’t with you . 💯

mumofoneAloneandwell · 16/09/2025 13:21

sparkle420 · 15/09/2025 20:30

@mumofoneAloneandwell how do I get him to admit it though, I don't know if he's cheating I have no solid proof its just this sneaking around and the little lies I've caught are damaging and I don't know how to get him to open up to me

Honestly, the poppers are evidence and you don't need to stick around for answers or closure

Its a myth that men suffer in silence, sorry - they just make women suffer instead

Leave this man, he is gay. xx

Original poster
sparkle420 · 16/09/2025 13:29

@ainsleysanob awhile ago he admitted to being tempted on a work trip only because I found sex toys lube and a lipstick stain on his collar, he said it was an event people are hugging and kissing cheeks so that's how the lipstick got there but since then it's about boundaries I told him how it makes me feel when he sneaks around hiding things in the home and on work trips that I just need transparency because work trips are triggering so I said I'd feel comfortable if je felt comfortable enough not to have to sneak the toys around like I'm not aware they exist creating this image that he's capable of lying and hiding things its not nessasarly the act of what he's doing or where it's his behaviours whilst doing so that gets me worried

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkle420 · 16/09/2025 13:31

@beedlebumps No not at all it's not how I wanted the chat to go and wanted to wait till he got home but after waiting for his call and when he did he just wanted ti rush off and I knew why and it was upsetting he didn't want to habe a conversation

OP posts:
ainsleysanob · 16/09/2025 16:16

sparkle420 · 16/09/2025 13:29

@ainsleysanob awhile ago he admitted to being tempted on a work trip only because I found sex toys lube and a lipstick stain on his collar, he said it was an event people are hugging and kissing cheeks so that's how the lipstick got there but since then it's about boundaries I told him how it makes me feel when he sneaks around hiding things in the home and on work trips that I just need transparency because work trips are triggering so I said I'd feel comfortable if je felt comfortable enough not to have to sneak the toys around like I'm not aware they exist creating this image that he's capable of lying and hiding things its not nessasarly the act of what he's doing or where it's his behaviours whilst doing so that gets me worried

Absolutely understandable and he should, due to his behaviour in the past, be abiding by those boundaries. I don’t make the leap as the other posters do that he’s gay, at all, but I don’t think your desire for openness is wrong or ‘controlling’. I think when he’s back he needs to have a very honest conversation with you though.

GimmieABreakOr3 · 18/09/2025 17:16

It sounds like your relationship is completely devoid of trust from both sides. You’re not into something that he is, and it turns you off. It sounds like you are sexually very incompatible. I don’t think this relationship is worth continuing with - sorry to say that.

EasyTouch · 18/09/2025 17:59

Stop making this man responsible for your feelings and inaction.
You already know that you and him operate on different sexual frequencies and that there is little that is mutually fulfilling and satisfying about your sex life.

You know that he lies by omission , so to seek definitive answers to questions that you pretend to yourself that you wholly have no answers to is a cop out of emotional self preservation.
Leave this fool and let him pop, peg, rim and anal in peace. ..
.because that is the least of what he is doing, has been doing and will continue to do. He will not stop whilst waiting for you to cross the Anal Rubicon that you are being too silly to admit is not in your sexual wheelhouse.
You and him are not meant to be.
Any questions that you may have as to why he had you in his life can be asked to a therapist AFTER you leave him.
That's if freedom from a liar is of less benefit to you than why you cleaved to somebody who you are sexually incompatible with in the first place.
Whether he is gay ( I think he has sex with men) is only important to you insofar as pertaining to STD screening.
But whatever, the vagina does not appear to please him as much as his own rectum and that would be a problem in a relationship with a woman who does not receive pleasure from " assisting" him that way, regardless of if he is getting it elsewhere.
I would not come second to a sex toy.
Take responsibility for your feelings and happiness.
There is not a man out here worth sitting in humiliation over.
He's taking the piss, but you are giving it away, too.
Fuck him off.

BunnyOnTheOnion · 18/09/2025 18:13

I'd put poppers almost on a par with say using lube to enhance solo play with toys. I wouldn't want to feel like I had to 'confess' that to a partner, my body, my own time... so not any of their business.

If he feels like you have the ick about the stuff that he's into I can perhaps see why he hides it from you and makes the most of the privacy of a hotel room. Using poppers and sex toys isn't proof of him cheating or liking men.

If on the other hand you think he's cheating (with men or women) and you don't trust him then you have a different problem entirely.

VoodooQualities · 18/09/2025 18:33

I've seen my husband having a prostate orgasm with his toy, once, and let's just say if I could do that I'd definitely be sticking things up my bum. I go to yoga every Friday morning, he stays in bed and uses his toy. I don't think women have much room to talk here because we're way heavier solo users of toys than men.

The difference I suppose is that your husband's not telling you what's going on.

Maybe he's gay, or maybe he's just giving himself prostate orgasms like my husband does. You'll have to ask him to tell you.

As for poppers, me and my mates (all straight women) used to dip fags in it and smoke them. Yeah that was a thing I did in the 90s.