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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU and controlling or is my husbands behaviour inappropriate?

71 replies

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:22

I 44f have been married to my husband 44m for 8 years and we have 2 DC aged 7&4. Sorry for the long post!

My husbands drinking was so bad after we had our eldest that my PND became PTSD. He had always enjoyed a drink before we had children but I (perhaps naively) thought that drinking to excess would stop when we had children and responsibilities.

our relationship has never been the same since as I have found it hard to move on from the person you loved not being there for you when you needed them more than ever. It’s almost like a betrayal.

some examples of his behaviour at the time, he was so drunk he vomited on my feeding pillow, smashed glass all over the floor falling off the sofa, was regularly out until 2am and would become aggressive when confronted, was disruptive when he came in very noisy and waking baby and would just go to sleep and leave me to it. He would call me names and say I was ‘mad’ and ‘everyone thought I was mad, etc’.

I did leave for a short while but returned when he promised to address his behaviour - I think I was so low at this point I just wanted support. I eventually got through it with some help from family and friends.

Some of his behaviours have improved since that time and we have had some counseling. However, he is stilL unable to control his drinking when he goes out. He still comes in after 2am disrupting the children that I then have to deal with, is aggressive when confronted and name calls, he was once annoyed after coming in at 3am that our youngest was awake and he couldn’t go straight to sleep in our bed so took our eldest son’s blanket off him waking him up, he has on more than one occasion defecated over himself and the toilet, he vomits, regularly loses keys and phone and has put hands on me, blaming me for ‘provoking’ him.

He is somewhat apologetic in the mornings but believes that it is not his behaviour that is the issue but rather that I am controlling by asking him to not get so drunk/come home early.

He even got so drunk the night before that I had to organize all of our youngest 1st birthday party!

if it matters we contribute equally to household finances although for obvious reasons I do more of the childcare. Even as I write this he is sleeping off a hangover after leaving the toilet in a horrendous condition and the children have missed a trampolining session while I deal with it.

I don’t want to put my children through the trauma of a divorce if I am
in the wrong but I just don’t think this is a reasonable way to behave and the children would be better off not witnessing this behaviour?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

Rocknrollstar · 14/09/2025 10:24

He’s an alcoholic and you have to ask him to leave. You and your children can’t live like that.

maslinpan · 14/09/2025 10:24

Your husband's behaviour is completely revolting. All of those examples are stomach turning and he is spinning you a line about how it's your fault.

BilbaoBaggage · 14/09/2025 10:28

He is a violent and abusive alcoholic.
Stop downplaying this saying things like 'puts hands on me' - he hits you.

He took the covers off your child - what kind of parent does that?

Leave him is what you should do and he can carry on drinking himself into his grave alone.

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:28

As someone whose parent died from alcoholism and grew up being constantly let down - walking on egg shells, making excuses - divorce would be much less traumatic than living with what they’re living with

828Pax · 14/09/2025 10:31

Honestly as the child of a parent like this, I still have real issues over it. The best thing for your children is to remove them from this. You deserve so much better x

LivingWithANob · 14/09/2025 10:35

Fucking hell op! You are not controlling and this is typical alcoholic talk. Wow, get rid of this absolute tosser. Look up darvo. My alcoholic exH was a saint in comparison to yours. Your H a violent, aggressive alcoholic who shits himself then gets into bed having taken the warm blanket off his son.

how many more chances are you going to give him?! Your sons are watching this behaviour. How long before they stand up to him and he turns on them?

your children wont thank you for staying. I struggled making the decision, breaking up the family, what will everyone say etc. that was the hard part making the decision. Once i filed for divorce online, the relief was brilliant. The burden lifted. Live a happy life op free from the uncertainty living with an alcoholic entails (its great)

Titasaducksarse · 14/09/2025 10:37

Hi. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this but he hasn't learnt or grown from the counselling you've been too.
He needs to get himself sorted out as the children will become more aware of what is going on. Being a child of an alcoholic parent is awful and one of the adverse childhood experiences or ACE that we know impacts on children's development.

Also practically, how anyone can afford to go out all evening nowadays unless theyre well off. Again practically between the going out then the hangover how much use is he?

SewNotHappy · 14/09/2025 10:38

My parents divorced when I was 6. The divorce was not traumatic for me in any way, their marriage was on a daily basis and my dad was not coming home drunk, abusing my mum then defecating on himself.

Original poster

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2025 10:39

You don’t want them to be traumatised by a divorce. Living with an alcoholic is daily trauma, they will already have been massively impacted. They are missing an activity today because of him.

What you have written about is horrific, and I am not using that world lightly. Your exposure to , and management of it have normalised it unfortunately.

An angry, aggressive, absent man who shits and vomits on himself as well as over the house is something no child should be exposed to never mind live with. You need to get out of this relationship asap for their sake as well as yours.

Go online, and start seeking help. Speak to your doctor. Let your children’s school know your plans. Good luck.

Tiswa · 14/09/2025 10:42

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

Did he? Were you actually in the appointment at the time because I can’t imagine a medical professional would condone that level of binge drinking

NotItsyBitsyNorTeenyWeeny · 14/09/2025 10:43

He might not be physically dependent on alcohol, which might mean he isn't technically alcoholic, but what does that matter?

It's even worse in a way that he is choosing to get smashed despite having no physical dependency. He is a mean drunk and is an abusive pig to boot

MySweetMaggie · 14/09/2025 10:43

Start to keep detailed notes about his drinking and abuse. Start to prepare to leave him and get your children out of there. Living with an alcoholic is traumatising for children (and also you). Alanon is a wonderful organisation and can help you to detach and leave him to his choices.

Coffeeforbreakfast88 · 14/09/2025 10:45

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

Did you witness the GP saying those words yourself? Were you there when your DH told the GO about his behaviour truthfully? I imagine not……

MySweetMaggie · 14/09/2025 10:45

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

Ignorant GP! He sounds like an alcoholic to me. I grew up with one and have spent a lot of time around AA. His behaviour is alcoholic.

LivingWithANob · 14/09/2025 10:46

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

Thats wrong and the gp shouldn’t have said that to him as he will see that as a green light to continue. I imagine he downplayed his drinking and didnt tell the gp of the affect its having on home life. He has issues with drinking alcohol and its consequences. Its disrupting family life/dv etc.

honestly, as difficult as it will be, divorce him. Apply online £600 and use solicitors for the areas of the divorce you need to eg childcare plan/maintenance, financial clean break. I was done in 14 months. A free person and hes now got his own place.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 14/09/2025 10:46

I had your life.. Ds 33 still has therapy after living with such a df. Left when he was 7. Still was too late.
Report any aggressive behaviour to the police. Build such a case he doesn't get unsupervised contact.
Or risk your dc.
Ime.

FairKoala · 14/09/2025 10:52

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

Either your dh has selective hearing, is lying or that GP needs to be go and distorted training for saying something so untrue

BlueandPinkSwan · 14/09/2025 10:57

tiredowl80 · 14/09/2025 10:38

Thank you all, it’s reassuring to know it’s not me! Unfortunately his GP told him that because he doesn’t drink everyday or at home he’s not an alcoholic!

Were you there when this was said? If not it's bullshit from your p trying to make excuses.
My exh was like this and I finally divorced him. He moved in with someone else, screwed her over even though I warned her what he was like, she contacted me after five months saying he had cheated on her, always drunk and finally had walked out for someone else.
Last I heard he had died as a result of booze. The trash took itself out.
OP your kids do not need this nor do you, get rid of him. This is not the life you should be wanting for your kids growing up thinking this is normal because it isn't.

Iwishthiswasnottrue · 14/09/2025 11:02

He sounds absolutely revolting. He needs to leave.

Ratafia · 14/09/2025 11:02

Of course you're not controlling. He needs to make a choice between growing up or carrying on as he is while losing his family and his health.

AgentJohnson · 14/09/2025 11:04

I don’t want to put my children through the trauma of a divorce.

Having a front row seat to a father who drinks himself into an early grave isn’t without trauma. Children do survive divorce; the trauma of an alcoholic parent, is the gift that keeps on giving. Your relationship with their alcoholic father will be their primary relationship model. If your H is the type that you wouldn’t want for your children and their children, then don’t let it be the relationship that their mother modelled for them.

This is who he is, the balls in your court.

Peculiah · 14/09/2025 11:05

It’s hard to imagine that your dc aren’t being traumatised by this too. A divorce would give them a calm home, safety to sleep at night, and a dm whose MH isn’t continuously being undermined. Get them out of there @tiredowl80

rainbowsparkle28 · 14/09/2025 11:05

You don’t want to put your children through the trauma of a divorce - erm, but you are putting them through this trauma of having to live with an alcoholic. I know which one I would say is going to have more of an impact 🤷‍♀️ Leave or tell him he has to. You don’t have to live like this nor do your children and you deserve so much more.

EBearhug · 14/09/2025 11:07

Please don't let your children grow up with an alcoholic parent.

It doesn't matter how it's labelled, it's problematic drinking and creating an environment that's not safe for any of you. He's decided not to see hus behaviour as a problem so you have to make the decisions for the safety of your children and yourself.

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