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Original poster

Meeting DPs ex wife

75 replies

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:08

In their divorce agreement it’s stated that the ex must meet the new partner before meeting the dc

ive been with DP for over 3 years now and his DC have said they’ll meet me.

We have set up a meeting with his ex wife - she’s been very evasive but has finally agreed.

Im worrying now as I know I need to make a good impression and I feel like the only reason I’m meeting her is so she can judge if I’m an appropriate person to be near her dc - which I understand somewhat but it still completely dread it. Their DC are 13 & 16. How can I stop being so anxious about it.

OP posts:
Pomni · 14/09/2025 10:14

The DC are old enough to choose whether to see you.

Try not to be too nervous. Maybe trying to empathise with her could help. It's normal to want to know who your child is spending time with (although many separated partners don't get this opportunity).

It will be difficult for her too.

What does your DP say about his ex?

RedSkyatNight25 · 14/09/2025 10:16

I think the DC are too old for this rule, but that’s by the by. It’s not a test, try to relax. DH’s exW insisted on meeting me so I made a point of answering the door when she came to drop DSS off and inviting her in for coffee. Which she declined. My enthusiasm unnerved her I think.

Im interested in what the outcome is if she decides you aren’t a suitable candidate for step parent?

BilbaoBaggage · 14/09/2025 10:22

I hope this agreement worked both ways and your partner had right of refusal over any new men in her life too.

I can understand people not wanting multiple new partners being introduced to kids, but actually having it in an agreement that the parent has to meet the new partners first is insane. Giving that level of control to someone you are no longer in a relationship with.

Were the kids very young when they divorced? It might have made sense then, but with teenagers who can decide for themselves, it should not still be a thing.

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:24

I’ve heard them on the phone and seen messages. She very much likes to be in control - one of the reasons for their break up apparently was this. She made decisions about everything regardless. Quite domineering - his friends have said the same about her.

He has them almost 50/50 but she tells him what they can and can’t do when they’re with him - reminds him to feed them vegetables (he cooks from scratch anyway)

I can understand her wanting to know who her children are spending time with but it feels like I’m being judged……..I really want to make a good impression. I’m educated, have a good job, car, house, 2 grown DC of my own. I’m not trying to replace her - I was wondering if that might have been in the back of her mind?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:25

BilbaoBaggage · 14/09/2025 10:22

I hope this agreement worked both ways and your partner had right of refusal over any new men in her life too.

I can understand people not wanting multiple new partners being introduced to kids, but actually having it in an agreement that the parent has to meet the new partners first is insane. Giving that level of control to someone you are no longer in a relationship with.

Were the kids very young when they divorced? It might have made sense then, but with teenagers who can decide for themselves, it should not still be a thing.

Kids were 13 and 10 when they divorced

OP posts:
RedSkyatNight25 · 14/09/2025 10:29

I’m educated, have a good job, car, house, 2 grown DC of my own. I’m not trying to replace her - I was wondering if that might have been in the back of her mind?

none of that will impress her. I’d hazard a guess this is about inserting herself into your OH’s life as much as she can and actually have very little to do with your credentials.

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 10:32

They are 16 & 13 now, ignore the stipulation

Maddy70 · 14/09/2025 10:33

Just offer her a cup of tea. It isn't an interview she is anxious about who ossosbdinf a lot of time with her children just be nice and friendly

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2025 10:34

These agreements are ridiculous. You get a say too. If you don’t want to meet her then don’t. He could and should have introduced you to his kids ages ago, 3 years is insane.

ThrowAwayHooray · 14/09/2025 10:41

Were you the OW or something? Just wondering as you say they got divorced 3 years ago yet you’ve been together over 3 years

Suednymph · 14/09/2025 10:46

ThrowAwayHooray · 14/09/2025 10:41

Were you the OW or something? Just wondering as you say they got divorced 3 years ago yet you’ve been together over 3 years

Not necessarily, it takes a while for a divorce to go through after a split!

OP has she a new partner herself? I think at the ages the kids are now it is batshit and it is controlling. Surely your partner is the best person to gauge who can be around his own kids? Silly stipulation to put into a divorce.

BlueandPinkSwan · 14/09/2025 10:49

ThrowAwayHooray · 14/09/2025 10:41

Were you the OW or something? Just wondering as you say they got divorced 3 years ago yet you’ve been together over 3 years

This
Sounds an odd set up otherwise given the kids ages. What is the ex going to do otherwise stop the kids seeing their father at their ages? That won't go down very well in any shape or form.
Meet her for coffee on neutral ground and if she refuses or makes excuses then it would be a mental 'fuck you then' from me.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/09/2025 10:50

This is absolutely ridiculous when they’re so old and will have many teachers and friends who have a big influence on them that she will never meet.

however, seeing as they’ve agreed, and you’re willing, my advice is - meet somewhere neutral like a local coffee shop just before or after drop off. Tell a bit about yourself like your siblings and hobbies and where you like to holiday (try not to show off!)
anything deeply personal just deflect and say I don’t feel I know you well enough yet to talk about that, and don’t comment on their child arrangements just say that’s best sorted out between parents if she asks.

also be aware she might be recording you - happened to a friend of a friend.

I think your DP should reach out with a selection of dates and times you could be free over the next month and if she doesn’t meet up with you, just go ahead and intro yourself to the kids (slowly - a quick hello first) you can’t have her delaying it forever.

RedSkyatNight25 · 14/09/2025 10:54

My BIL has been agreeing a divorce for 4 years. So OP meeting him around the time he divorced isn’t an indication she was “the OW”.

Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 10:57

I can understand her to be honest.
My sons biological father met a new partner,I trusted his judgement as she had a job as a nurse ,the family really rated her and her house was immaculate I was told.
I didn't insist on meeting her.
She turned out to be a complete nightmare, she was extremely aggressive, screaming things in the back ground when my ex would call about my son or to make arrangements, she absolutely hated me for no reason whatsoever and she made dramas that weren't there.
So long as its the same that your dp has the same right it shouldn't be an issue.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/09/2025 10:58

Ps just seen you have own dc- talk about them lots and compliment what you’ve heard about her kids and ask more about them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/09/2025 10:58

Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 10:57

I can understand her to be honest.
My sons biological father met a new partner,I trusted his judgement as she had a job as a nurse ,the family really rated her and her house was immaculate I was told.
I didn't insist on meeting her.
She turned out to be a complete nightmare, she was extremely aggressive, screaming things in the back ground when my ex would call about my son or to make arrangements, she absolutely hated me for no reason whatsoever and she made dramas that weren't there.
So long as its the same that your dp has the same right it shouldn't be an issue.

But what would you have done if you got bad vibes, told your ex to break up with he’d?

Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 11:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/09/2025 10:58

But what would you have done if you got bad vibes, told your ex to break up with he’d?

Show quote history

Id of insisted he be with her longer before meeting or raised concerns with the family so they could reassure her I wasn't remotely interested in my sons father.
They ended up splitting in the end because my sons dad went down a very dark path and it all came to light that he was telling her a load of nonsense about me to try make her jealous.
If she ever sat down and met me with out him I would of explained that I was happy he found someone snd i only ever wanted him to be a good father and him seeing my ds with her consistently helped me as I could of picked up some extra hours in work

Endofyear · 14/09/2025 11:26

My advice would be to smile, be confident, shake her hand and say it's nice to meet her. You are a decent person and you know it so no need to dread it or feel worried. Just be yourself and if she doesn't like you, it's very likely that she was intending all along to dislike you and there's not really anything you can do about that. Your partner is important here - he should back you and introduce his children if he and they want to - they aren't toddlers and she has no reason to not want you to get to know them.

LivingWithANob · 14/09/2025 11:28

Just be yourself. What will be will be

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 11:59

ThrowAwayHooray · 14/09/2025 10:41

Were you the OW or something? Just wondering as you say they got divorced 3 years ago yet you’ve been together over 3 years

No not at all. He had moved out and was living alone for 8 months before I met him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 11:59

ThrowAwayHooray · 14/09/2025 10:41

Were you the OW or something? Just wondering as you say they got divorced 3 years ago yet you’ve been together over 3 years

Sorry - it should alway 4 years ago they got divorced

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/09/2025 12:08

it feels like I’m being judged……..I really want to make a good impression

Why do you give a fuck what she thinks of you? Like fuck would i meet her, it's not like the children are tiny.

millymollymoomoo · 14/09/2025 12:23

I would not agree to this
its ridiculous
if she doesn’t like you, what then?

I would not be dancing to her tune at all - and importantly neither should your dp. He can introduce HIS kids to whom he wants and when

BuckChuckets · 14/09/2025 12:34

I'd be interested to find out if this agreement is legally binding?? Seems very odd. And what does your DP think of it? Is he just going along with it to keep the peace, or does he place some value on what she thinks?