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Original poster

Meeting DPs ex wife

75 replies

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:08

In their divorce agreement it’s stated that the ex must meet the new partner before meeting the dc

ive been with DP for over 3 years now and his DC have said they’ll meet me.

We have set up a meeting with his ex wife - she’s been very evasive but has finally agreed.

Im worrying now as I know I need to make a good impression and I feel like the only reason I’m meeting her is so she can judge if I’m an appropriate person to be near her dc - which I understand somewhat but it still completely dread it. Their DC are 13 & 16. How can I stop being so anxious about it.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 14/09/2025 13:31

When I met my partners ex wife as she had this stipulation , we met somewhere neutral ( coffee shop) with my partner. I just went as I usually would, made a bit of an effort for my own confidence, small talk and we left after 20 mins. I was nervous but it was fine. I don’t like her but had to do it for my partner. Even though we met after their divorce as she had an affair, she’s terribly jealous of me and has been vicious. It’s made me take a step back as every time I did something nice with the dc or tried to take care of them she would turn it into something bad.

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 13:42

BuckChuckets · 14/09/2025 12:34

I'd be interested to find out if this agreement is legally binding?? Seems very odd. And what does your DP think of it? Is he just going along with it to keep the peace, or does he place some value on what she thinks?

This is what I wondered - their divorce can’t insist a 3rd person does anything

But DP is doing it to keep the peace. He gave her a load of dates - she’s was evasive and awkward and he eventually said if she didn’t agree then he would speak to his lawyer and see if we could go ahead and introduce the kids without me meeting her……….if he went against her he thought she would just make everything difficult e.g if weekend need a swap for work or coaching things he does

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 13:42

Secondstart1001 · 14/09/2025 13:31

When I met my partners ex wife as she had this stipulation , we met somewhere neutral ( coffee shop) with my partner. I just went as I usually would, made a bit of an effort for my own confidence, small talk and we left after 20 mins. I was nervous but it was fine. I don’t like her but had to do it for my partner. Even though we met after their divorce as she had an affair, she’s terribly jealous of me and has been vicious. It’s made me take a step back as every time I did something nice with the dc or tried to take care of them she would turn it into something bad.

This is what I’m worrying about - if she decides she doesn’t like me, is she going to make life more difficult

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 13:49

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 13:42

This is what I’m worrying about - if she decides she doesn’t like me, is she going to make life more difficult

Show quote history

Please dont think that, she just wants to know her children are safe. I completely agree and as they are 13 and 16 its a really impressionable age
If I ever meet a guy with children, I will insist to meet the children's mother before the children out of sheer respect to their mother

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 14:15

My wife point blank refused to meet my ex wife as she caused so much trouble

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 14:22

Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 13:49

Please dont think that, she just wants to know her children are safe. I completely agree and as they are 13 and 16 its a really impressionable age
If I ever meet a guy with children, I will insist to meet the children's mother before the children out of sheer respect to their mother

Show quote history

I’m not saying I won’t meet her - I apparently have to…….im just really anxious/nervous about it.

my DC are older. DS met DP at 23. DD was almost 18

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 14/09/2025 14:24

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 13:42

This is what I’m worrying about - if she decides she doesn’t like me, is she going to make life more difficult

Show quote history

At the time I past the “test” which is ridiculous as I’m clean living and better educated / better job than her. Not that it’s a competition however she always seems to twist and turn anything good into something bad. I take care of partners kids as they were my own, esp when they were younger but still my partner had to block her as she had an awful rant about me. Final straw for my partner is when she called me a bitch, he blocked her: I can’t say anymore on here as it will be outing.

Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 14:32

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 14:22

I’m not saying I won’t meet her - I apparently have to…….im just really anxious/nervous about it.

my DC are older. DS met DP at 23. DD was almost 18

Show quote history

If she has the right intentions which im sure she does, as you weren't on the scene when the divorce conditions were put in place, then it will be fine.
Just say im not trying to be mum,im clean living and working. Il be friendly and fine to your kids and I won't try any nonsense.
You have been really patient and careful waiting so long.
Good luck and let us know how it goes x

Coconutter24 · 14/09/2025 14:36

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:24

I’ve heard them on the phone and seen messages. She very much likes to be in control - one of the reasons for their break up apparently was this. She made decisions about everything regardless. Quite domineering - his friends have said the same about her.

He has them almost 50/50 but she tells him what they can and can’t do when they’re with him - reminds him to feed them vegetables (he cooks from scratch anyway)

I can understand her wanting to know who her children are spending time with but it feels like I’m being judged……..I really want to make a good impression. I’m educated, have a good job, car, house, 2 grown DC of my own. I’m not trying to replace her - I was wondering if that might have been in the back of her mind?

I was wondering if that might have been in the back of her mind?

Probably not, it will just another way to have some control. The kids are old enough to decide if they want to spend time with you or not. It’s not like they are toddlers who are not able to have a say

Onthebusses · 14/09/2025 16:08

I don't think that's a standard clause in a family court order. Is there a history of safeguarding concerns with his other partners?

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 16:24

Onthebusses · 14/09/2025 16:08

I don't think that's a standard clause in a family court order. Is there a history of safeguarding concerns with his other partners?

He’s never had any other partners except me. They split up in the October and I met him the following May. He didnt tell her he’d met anyone til we’d been together a year and he didnt tell his DC til more than 18 months - until we were thinking it was a long term thing

No history of safeguarding, for a long time he was main care giver as she worked away most of the week so he looked after their DC, he went part time as she wanted to progress her career

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 14/09/2025 16:57

This is mind-boggling to me. But if your dh wants to keep the peace, and you have no issue with it then all you can do is be yourself. She cannot stop contact. She cannot stop you seeing them. She has no say or rights over that whatsoever. Keep it brief, don't feel the need to make assurances or say anything you don't want to.
And hopefully that will be the end of it.

Thelankyone · 14/09/2025 17:07

God this is awkward. But firstly she’s no grounds to say you can’t meet the kids if she doesn’t like you. And nothing you do at the Meeting will change what she plans to do after. She’s already made her mind up, she’s either going to cause issues or she’s not.

please don’t go in all nervous trying to impress her. That just gives too much power, just be bright breezy, lovely to meet you, understand you wanted this meeting, happy to oblige, anything you want to know specifically sort of thing. Throw her some compliments, lovely hair, nice dress, your career sounds fab,dp says you’re a great mum. Anything she asks about caring for the kids, like cooking, bed times, just say oh jimmy will all that, don’t worry.

CharlieKirkRIP · 14/09/2025 17:10

It’s not about the children whatsoever! It’s about seeing you and if you’re better looking than her or not.

OversteppingEx · 14/09/2025 17:32

This is all about control and nothing about the welfare of the DC. The DC are teens with tongues in their heads. I'd understand if they were under the age of 8 or so but this is ridiculous.

I'd explain that by meeting her, your DP has now allowed not only himself to be controlled by her but also you. His priorities are not with you.

You're being set up to fail here OP.

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 17:46

CharlieKirkRIP · 14/09/2025 17:10

It’s not about the children whatsoever! It’s about seeing you and if you’re better looking than her or not.

That’s another thing I’m worried about - factually she’s not stunning but she’s tall with a good figure - she also throws ‘fat’ around as an insult……..I’m overweight so I think she might think he’s down graded by being with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 17:48

OversteppingEx · 14/09/2025 17:32

This is all about control and nothing about the welfare of the DC. The DC are teens with tongues in their heads. I'd understand if they were under the age of 8 or so but this is ridiculous.

I'd explain that by meeting her, your DP has now allowed not only himself to be controlled by her but also you. His priorities are not with you.

You're being set up to fail here OP.

He’s not happy about it - initially she wanted to meet me alone as she said he would ‘sit there scowling and not allow her (meaning me) to answer all the questions I need to ask’. He genuinely I think thinks it’s easier than arguing with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 17:49

Thelankyone · 14/09/2025 17:07

God this is awkward. But firstly she’s no grounds to say you can’t meet the kids if she doesn’t like you. And nothing you do at the Meeting will change what she plans to do after. She’s already made her mind up, she’s either going to cause issues or she’s not.

please don’t go in all nervous trying to impress her. That just gives too much power, just be bright breezy, lovely to meet you, understand you wanted this meeting, happy to oblige, anything you want to know specifically sort of thing. Throw her some compliments, lovely hair, nice dress, your career sounds fab,dp says you’re a great mum. Anything she asks about caring for the kids, like cooking, bed times, just say oh jimmy will all that, don’t worry.

Thank you - it’s really awkward!

OP posts:
FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 14/09/2025 18:04

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 17:48

He’s not happy about it - initially she wanted to meet me alone as she said he would ‘sit there scowling and not allow her (meaning me) to answer all the questions I need to ask’. He genuinely I think thinks it’s easier than arguing with her

Show quote history

What is this???

She needs to "ask" fuck all. Entitled dimwit.

Your DP needs to get a backbone. Following her dictated meal prep while the DC are with him? He's allowing her to be this ridiculous. She can vet his partner no more than he can hers.

Child contact needs to be done via court. Then she can't "be difficult". She's not the more superior parent. She's got absolutely zero right to behave like this. Your partner has been absolutely integral in enabling her to create this farcical dynamic.

excelledyourself · 14/09/2025 18:23

He’s not happy about it - initially she wanted to meet me alone as she said he would ‘sit there scowling and not allow her (meaning me) to answer all the questions I need to ask’. He genuinely I think thinks it’s easier than arguing with her

He’s put you in an awful position by making this agreement.

I wouldn’t be having any part in her power games. The kids are old enough, but I’d be prepared to wait it out another couple of years if need be, if you really think he’s worth it.

Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 18:25

excelledyourself · 14/09/2025 18:23

He’s not happy about it - initially she wanted to meet me alone as she said he would ‘sit there scowling and not allow her (meaning me) to answer all the questions I need to ask’. He genuinely I think thinks it’s easier than arguing with her

He’s put you in an awful position by making this agreement.

I wouldn’t be having any part in her power games. The kids are old enough, but I’d be prepared to wait it out another couple of years if need be, if you really think he’s worth it.

I think he’s worth it. More than 3 years together. After ex DH I didn’t think I’d trust someone again

Even if she doesn’t like me it won’t stop me meeting his DC

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 14/09/2025 18:26

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 14/09/2025 18:04

What is this???

She needs to "ask" fuck all. Entitled dimwit.

Your DP needs to get a backbone. Following her dictated meal prep while the DC are with him? He's allowing her to be this ridiculous. She can vet his partner no more than he can hers.

Child contact needs to be done via court. Then she can't "be difficult". She's not the more superior parent. She's got absolutely zero right to behave like this. Your partner has been absolutely integral in enabling her to create this farcical dynamic.

Show quote history

I don’t know what she needs to ask either - she knows my name, how old I am, what I do for a living and I think she knows I’ve got 2 DC

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 14/09/2025 18:27

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 14/09/2025 18:04

What is this???

She needs to "ask" fuck all. Entitled dimwit.

Your DP needs to get a backbone. Following her dictated meal prep while the DC are with him? He's allowing her to be this ridiculous. She can vet his partner no more than he can hers.

Child contact needs to be done via court. Then she can't "be difficult". She's not the more superior parent. She's got absolutely zero right to behave like this. Your partner has been absolutely integral in enabling her to create this farcical dynamic.

Show quote history

She may be just wanting her impressionable teenage children are around a safe person and she may not entirely trust what her ex husband says judging by the fact that she thinks he will be scowling
It's better to meet now than at a child's graduation or whatever better to get out the way.
Op hasn't met this lady and they may actually really hit off which would be amazing for the children.
I think ,if his ex wife has any decency, then she will really respect you for meeting her and for waiting so long to meet the children.
I really respect op and her partner for waiting all this time and making sure its right before meeting children.
Please try not to go into this thinking its any superficial nonsense, as she set this term in the divorce before you op and partner even met each other.
If it was set at a later date then it would be different.
Ps sorry about typos, I have some stupid nails on

Whiteumberella · 14/09/2025 18:32

Just go and play the game. She is irrelevant, she’s flexing the little bit of power she has left, which, when the dc are grown, will be gone. My DHs exw hates me, passionately. I wasn’t the OW (they had been divorced for many years before I even met him) but she is a very unhappy woman. I smile, nod, keep the peace, she throws insults, which I ignore, because it just doesn’t matter. DC are grown now and DH and I have a really good relationship with them. Her, not so much, which is awful for them actually, I’d rather she was happier.

cool4cats2020 · 14/09/2025 21:26

Have you actually seen this divorce 'agreement'? Amazed if a divorce court would allow it. In most circumstances it would be a form of post marriage domestic abuse - letting an ex control your future relationships.

Just say no, you don't want to meet her. Then see what happens. Even if it was agreed when they divorced, the DC are far too old to make any parental new partners need vetting now.