Page 3 | Meeting DPs ex wife

RedSkyatNight25 · 15/09/2025 05:59

Who casts what her figure is like or what she thinks OP? You and your OH are happy together. All that is irrelevant.

Please don’t feel pressured by this woman. Your thoughts, feelings and comfort matters too.

millymollymoomoo · 15/09/2025 07:18

I think your partner needs to grow a pair and stop dancing to her tune tbh.

utterly ridiculous. Allowing ex to control everything,

superplumb · 15/09/2025 10:15

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 10:08

In their divorce agreement it’s stated that the ex must meet the new partner before meeting the dc

ive been with DP for over 3 years now and his DC have said they’ll meet me.

We have set up a meeting with his ex wife - she’s been very evasive but has finally agreed.

Im worrying now as I know I need to make a good impression and I feel like the only reason I’m meeting her is so she can judge if I’m an appropriate person to be near her dc - which I understand somewhat but it still completely dread it. Their DC are 13 & 16. How can I stop being so anxious about it.

So over 3 years but the age of the children suggest there was martial overlap between the wife and you?
Id also take the controlling aspect with a pinch of salt. Just because he said it and his friends said it ( who would agree with him) doesn't make it so. ) she could just be a good mum who wants to make sure her children are spending time with good people. Id be the same. Odd that its in the divorce agreement. I was told by more that one lawyer that courts dont like that unless there arw valid reasons for doing so.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/09/2025 10:43

Why is she the arbiter of who is an appropriate person for her children to know? Why does she have more of a say than their father? I can’t see how this clause can have any merit and should be challenged. It is reducing your DP’s standing as a parent.

Original poster

Blushingm · 15/09/2025 10:48

superplumb · 15/09/2025 10:15

So over 3 years but the age of the children suggest there was martial overlap between the wife and you?
Id also take the controlling aspect with a pinch of salt. Just because he said it and his friends said it ( who would agree with him) doesn't make it so. ) she could just be a good mum who wants to make sure her children are spending time with good people. Id be the same. Odd that its in the divorce agreement. I was told by more that one lawyer that courts dont like that unless there arw valid reasons for doing so.

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No overlap whatsoever!!!! He was living in a flat (with a room for his DC) when I met him. He moved out of the FMH end of October and didn’t meet him til May.

unusual you spoke to more than one lawyer about this sort of thing during your divorce?

OP posts:

Heartofglass12345 · 15/09/2025 10:53

Bloody hell she seems a bit over the top. My sister had to send my niece to her ex and his new girlfriend when she was a toddler and she’d never met her or didn’t know where their house was!
just be pleasant, you don’t need to impress her.

excelledyourself · 15/09/2025 11:02

superplumb · 15/09/2025 10:15

So over 3 years but the age of the children suggest there was martial overlap between the wife and you?
Id also take the controlling aspect with a pinch of salt. Just because he said it and his friends said it ( who would agree with him) doesn't make it so. ) she could just be a good mum who wants to make sure her children are spending time with good people. Id be the same. Odd that its in the divorce agreement. I was told by more that one lawyer that courts dont like that unless there arw valid reasons for doing so.

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OP has seen and heard examples for herself.

The dad has the children almost 50/50. Why would that be allowed if he wasn’t capable of deciding who was good enough to be around his children?

Sounds like his ex treats him more as a babysitter than an equal parent.

RedSkyatNight25 · 15/09/2025 12:19

superplumb · 15/09/2025 10:15

So over 3 years but the age of the children suggest there was martial overlap between the wife and you?
Id also take the controlling aspect with a pinch of salt. Just because he said it and his friends said it ( who would agree with him) doesn't make it so. ) she could just be a good mum who wants to make sure her children are spending time with good people. Id be the same. Odd that its in the divorce agreement. I was told by more that one lawyer that courts dont like that unless there arw valid reasons for doing so.

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Why is this so important to you? It’s entirely irrelevant to the OP.

RedSkyatNight25 · 15/09/2025 12:25

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/09/2025 10:43

Why is she the arbiter of who is an appropriate person for her children to know? Why does she have more of a say than their father? I can’t see how this clause can have any merit and should be challenged. It is reducing your DP’s standing as a parent.

I agree. In reality is nothing more than asserting dominance. If you have so little confidence in the other parents choices then you should be going for full custody. But if you think they are an otherwise fit parent this is just a subtle way of being domineering.

My DH’s ex said I wasn’t allowed to “be involved in parental decisions” whatever that meant, before I met her. She has never wanted DH to be involved in those decisions either, really and never had any intention of extending that to me, so it was just a ploy to try and exert some control over DH’s life using their child. When she met an addict with a previous conviction for a violent crime she was indignant that DH had concerns re moving him in (which she had already done) simply saying DH was “mean” questioning his character.

With children who are 10 and 13, who are more than capable of expressing concerns with their parent this is nothing more than the ex flexing what power she has over her ex and satisfying her curiosity.

MellowPinkDeer · 15/09/2025 12:27

pinkyredrose · 14/09/2025 12:08

it feels like I’m being judged……..I really want to make a good impression

Why do you give a fuck what she thinks of you? Like fuck would i meet her, it's not like the children are tiny.

Exactly this, I wouldn’t be dancing to her tune whatsoever!!

waterrat · 15/09/2025 12:56

Can I give a different answer as I'm surprised by so many people saying it's not necessary.

If you were married and had children with someone - and they moved on and re-married or settled down again - I would 100 per cent hope to meet that person!

I can't imagine in any even vaguely amicable situation where that wouldn't be totally normal?

I have several friends who have divorced with kids involved and all of them have met their ex-s new partners at some points.

I think it would be very strange not to say hi at some point or even have a proper chat.

excelledyourself · 15/09/2025 13:14

waterrat · 15/09/2025 12:56

Can I give a different answer as I'm surprised by so many people saying it's not necessary.

If you were married and had children with someone - and they moved on and re-married or settled down again - I would 100 per cent hope to meet that person!

I can't imagine in any even vaguely amicable situation where that wouldn't be totally normal?

I have several friends who have divorced with kids involved and all of them have met their ex-s new partners at some points.

I think it would be very strange not to say hi at some point or even have a proper chat.

Of course it’s normal to meet them “at some point”.

It’s not normal to insist on it being arranged and stipulate that the children cannot be introduced until after that happens.

Original poster

Blushingm · 15/09/2025 13:16

waterrat · 15/09/2025 12:56

Can I give a different answer as I'm surprised by so many people saying it's not necessary.

If you were married and had children with someone - and they moved on and re-married or settled down again - I would 100 per cent hope to meet that person!

I can't imagine in any even vaguely amicable situation where that wouldn't be totally normal?

I have several friends who have divorced with kids involved and all of them have met their ex-s new partners at some points.

I think it would be very strange not to say hi at some point or even have a proper chat.

It’s because it’s stipulated BEFORE I’m allowed to meet their DC - it feel like it’s going to be an interview and I’ll be judged and I so want to make a good impression - partly because it will make life easily but also so there’s less tension that there would be if she feels I’m not an appropriate person

I expect our paths to cross due to events, still having mutual friends, living relatively close.

edited due to a spelling error

OP posts:

RedSkyatNight25 · 15/09/2025 13:29

I can see why someone might want to meet them, but stipulate they do so before they meet the partner and enshrine it into the court order or whatever it is, that’s what is unreasonably controlling.

user65342 · 15/09/2025 13:36

It’s pretty pointless so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Her opinion on you doesn’t matter as she can’t actually stop you meeting the DC if your partner wants that to happen. How you act will also have very little bearing on her opinion, people who want these agreements have already made up their mind how they will approach the situation. Just be friendly and relaxed and make sure your partner has your back if she starts to be difficult.

ZenNudist · 15/09/2025 13:51

If she's going to be this nuts then I'd refuse to answer a load of questions and say. This is what I'm willing to tell you about me. No you you don't get to interview me. I'm perfectly happy to meet you but don't feel comfortable being vetted. That's not your role.

or request she submits the questions she wants to ask you in advance. I'd also tell your dp that he needs to stop kowtowing to this controlling woman.

Also please don't be nervous. Its not an interview and if she wants to make it into one I'd refuse. Nothing wrong with having a cuppa and a superficial chat.

Please don't worry what she thinks about you.

superplumb · 15/09/2025 17:58

Blushingm · 15/09/2025 10:48

No overlap whatsoever!!!! He was living in a flat (with a room for his DC) when I met him. He moved out of the FMH end of October and didn’t meet him til May.

unusual you spoke to more than one lawyer about this sort of thing during your divorce?

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Yes when concluding the forms and what will happen to the house. I was told in no uncertain terms that fir a judge to accept that I would need to show that ex has a history of irresponsible behaviour which would have an impact on the kids ( mine are asd so maybe thats why)?? And as such he can introduce a new gf to them every week if he wanted. I would need to show emotional abuse to prevent that.

superplumb · 15/09/2025 17:59

Id say to you, just be normal, friendly and dont go overboard with the kids. Just smile, maybe bend down if theyre little ans say youre really happy to meet them. Dont over think it. I think meeting older grown up kids would be much worse.

Superdupersomeone · 15/09/2025 18:16

My DP's ex tried this, she wanted to control him and sabotage our relationship due to jealousy (no I was not the OW in any way, shape or form). I would have been willing to meet her for a coffee until she did some awful things that negativity affected DP and their child, so DP put his foot down and said she wasn't entitled to meet me afterall, given her behaviour. He has parental responsibility just as she does, she's not above him.

It doesn't matter what you look like or how you answer her questions, if she wants to cause trouble she will. Why should you go to meet her all nervous and grovelling for her approval?! I can't believe your DP hasn't given you any choice in the matter, he sounds like he's lacking a spine.

TwoTuesday · 15/09/2025 19:41

Stand up for yourself OP, she has no right to "vet" you or interrogate you in any way, shape or form. You're suitable in the eyes of the kids dad, that's enough of a vetting. If you go over and say hello, that constitutes "meeting." Start as you mean to go on.
Your DP needs to stop taking her nonsense too, she has no right to tell him how to parent. She has no rights over you, whatsoever.

Original poster

Blushingm · 15/09/2025 19:52

superplumb · 15/09/2025 17:59

Id say to you, just be normal, friendly and dont go overboard with the kids. Just smile, maybe bend down if theyre little ans say youre really happy to meet them. Dont over think it. I think meeting older grown up kids would be much worse.

The kids won’t be there - they’re 13 and 16

OP posts:

Backtoschooltime · 15/09/2025 20:24

I’ve been in your situation from both sides ie as the ex wife and as the girlfriend.
My advice would just be yourself and try not to worry about it. Use it as an opportunity to get to know each other so it isn’t awkward when you cross paths.

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2025 11:17

Are you intending to meet her Op? I really wouldn't, she's no right to check you out. If she doesn't trust your partner to not have a decent person around the kids she needs to take it up with him instead of 'interviewing' you.

Also it could set a precedent where she wants you to talk to her about any future decisions first, ie. buying a house, taking the kids on holiday etc.

Original poster

Blushingm · 16/09/2025 17:48

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2025 11:17

Are you intending to meet her Op? I really wouldn't, she's no right to check you out. If she doesn't trust your partner to not have a decent person around the kids she needs to take it up with him instead of 'interviewing' you.

Also it could set a precedent where she wants you to talk to her about any future decisions first, ie. buying a house, taking the kids on holiday etc.

I’m going through with it so we’ve done what agreement says and move forward. Our plan is to move in together - if I sell my house it will pay his mortgage off. I’d then be on his deeds but we’d have everything written and signed with a solicitor first.

i don’t intend to intentionally meet up with her again after that one meeting

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2025 17:54

Blushingm · 16/09/2025 17:48

I’m going through with it so we’ve done what agreement says and move forward. Our plan is to move in together - if I sell my house it will pay his mortgage off. I’d then be on his deeds but we’d have everything written and signed with a solicitor first.

i don’t intend to intentionally meet up with her again after that one meeting

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OK fair enough. Make sure you protect your assets though!