Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would your DH "stick up" for you?

61 replies

Tweeti · 13/09/2025 09:05

If somebody put you down or shouted at you or was aggressive to you, would your DH stand up for you / have words with the person?

I've realised that mine never has - or would. He doesn't do confrontation and prioritises his own self preservation (if you were being unkind you could call it cowardly!).

Once I would have said it wouldn't have mattered to me, but as I'm getting older I strangely feel a bit bothered by it. I don't know why.

Interested in hearing other people's thoughts.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 13/09/2025 09:13

It depends on the situation & whether it’s needed really but yes he does and has, just the same as I have for him.

Isitisit · 13/09/2025 09:14

Aggressive stranger or someone we don’t know well. He would absolutely be physically between them and me but would probably not say anything in case it escalated.

Family/friends he would most likely make a self deprecating joke to diffuse tension. He is super anti-confrontation but if someone was rude to me, he just wouldn’t be likely to see them again or at the very least wouldn’t expect me to be around them.

I’m mostly ok with this as it’s just who he is and he supports me in his own way. I can stand up for myself as long as he doesn’t undermine me or expect me to put up with rudeness. Does your husband do that?

ComfortFoodCafe · 13/09/2025 09:15

Yes he has in the past & would do so now. Same for me for him.

Kitchenbattle · 13/09/2025 09:15

100% he would be in there before I had realised what had happened…he wouldn’t be physical he at all but would absolutely stand up for me

CMOTDibbler · 13/09/2025 09:16

Absolutely, he'd have my back to anyone

Holliegee · 13/09/2025 09:17

My partner would support me to stick up for myself initially but he’d definitely defend me.

stargirl1701 · 13/09/2025 09:36

Adult male, yes he would. Teenagers, no he would leave it to me as I’m a teacher.

ExperiencedTeacher · 13/09/2025 09:39

My DP would and it kills him that he didn’t when there was a situation between a colleague and me before we were even together.

My ex husband never did and it’s something that started to bother me. I felt uncared for.

askmenothing · 13/09/2025 09:48

Mine would, but he knows I can handle myself. He did advocate for me while I was in hospital and stood up to a nurse who was dreadful to me. I have never felt more loved.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/09/2025 09:55

He absolutely would, but only after I’d stood up for myself. I’m way more aggressive when cornered so he’d 100% stand back and let me give them it with both barrels.

Permittedperson · 13/09/2025 09:55

Yes.

Cadenza12 · 13/09/2025 09:57

Yes he would have and did when unexpectedly put to the test and he wasn't the most intimidating person you could meet.

DarkForces · 13/09/2025 10:00

How often are you in situations where you feel he should stick up for you? What types of situations?

Wrennie24 · 13/09/2025 10:02

No, never has. A family member has recently been very verbally unpleasant to me, quite a few times, with my husband in the room . Hasn’t ever stuck up for me. It just makes me respect him less and less each time. He has other nicer qualities and the family think the world of him.

topcat2014 · 13/09/2025 10:07

De-escalation and avoidance is also a strategy..

TBH life is not a film, and people don't always get back up.

I'm (male) 5'9 and have never hit anyone in my life - haven't got the co-ordination.

I suppose none of us know how we would react unless the situation comes up.

DW can be argumentative, and swears like a trooper though, so I should perhaps give it some thought.

Thortour · 13/09/2025 10:08

Yes. He always has like I have him.

Zempy · 13/09/2025 10:13

Absolutely. Yes. What’s the point of them if they don’t have your back?

Plastictreees · 13/09/2025 10:17

This really matters to me too. I am more than capable of fighting my own battles but he should definitely have my back, and not be afraid to speak up. I find cowardice deeply unattractive.

Lurker85 · 13/09/2025 10:27

He’d wait his turn until I’d finished with them haha, but definitely, every time

Permittedperson · 13/09/2025 10:28

I want to add. I stick up for him too.

As an example. He’s deaf and healthcare professionals are often very bad at facing him, speaking clearly, even though you’d think they would be and I advocate for him (with his permission) in those situations.

stayathomer · 13/09/2025 10:33

Did you marry him because he’s easygoing though op? I have a relative who goes to ‘stand up for people’- I think he just likes arguing and fighting!!

WeaselsRising · 13/09/2025 10:33

No. He never has. One of the reasons why we are having huge issues getting on at the moment.

He always uses not wanting to get stabbed as an excuse, yet we don't know anyone who has been. We got caught up in amongst a gang of Millwall supporters on a train about 20 years ago who were having a pop at our young teen DS. I was heavily pregnant so couldn't do anything and he (and all the other adult men on that train) just sat there and said nothing. I was disgusted with his attitude.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 13/09/2025 10:35

Yes he would, without a doubt. No way would he ever allow someone to make me feel threatened or leave me in fear.

EverardDeTroyes · 13/09/2025 10:35

No, possibly not, but that is because I am very fiery and would stand up for myself way before dh had a chance to say anything. He is much milder mannered than me. There was one occasion when he stood up for me: some lorry driver took offence to my driving and when we were stopped at lights, he got out of his cab to confront me. Dh instantly got out of the passenger seat and the realisation I was with a man caused the lorry driver to turn around and get back in his cab without dh having to say anything. That felt good but generally it doesn't bother me standing up for myself.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 13/09/2025 10:37

Isitisit · 13/09/2025 09:14

Aggressive stranger or someone we don’t know well. He would absolutely be physically between them and me but would probably not say anything in case it escalated.

Family/friends he would most likely make a self deprecating joke to diffuse tension. He is super anti-confrontation but if someone was rude to me, he just wouldn’t be likely to see them again or at the very least wouldn’t expect me to be around them.

I’m mostly ok with this as it’s just who he is and he supports me in his own way. I can stand up for myself as long as he doesn’t undermine me or expect me to put up with rudeness. Does your husband do that?

Mine is like this too. I understand you OP- i sometimes wish my DH was more of the protective type but then I remember I wouldn't want everything else that comes with that 'alpha male' type. Could reflecting on his good qualities help?