If your husband/wife was cheating on you, how did you find out?

[LetterfromaStranger]

A woman, visibly upset, knocked on my door earlier today and asked if I was ‘my name’ - I got the feeling she knew I was who she thought I was anyway. She handed me a letter and told me to check my Facebook messenger in half an hour. She said that there were things in the letter about my husband, of 21 years. She was visibly shaking and spoke with an accent that wasn’t local. Looked about late 40’s/early 50’s and well presented. Younger than me, I’m 60.

I am in total shock. So much so, I just can’t seem to believe it but, deep down, I know it’s true. I was alone at the time (wfh part time). My husband is younger than me, by 7 years, and is a police officer (was at work at the time). I’d stayed upstairs since he got home saying I had a headache but I just don’t know what to do. He is currently on night shift at work. He also does a lot of sport so is often out doing that.

The letter has accused my husband of an affair with this woman. She has said that they met on a site many years ago! Wtf! What started as a friendship, quickly became more. She lives a couple of hundred miles away but they have met up many, many times. For sex and he has taken her here there and everywhere in his car for days out. She says he has spent many hours chatting to her late at night. I have never heard anything but I do go to bed early (we have had a sexless marriage for a number of years). She says sorry, many times, but that she fell in love with him. Her marriage had been lonely (which she ended after getting involved with my husband!!!!) and it just happened! She went on top give examples of when they’d met (where/when) and dates. I thought he was at work!!! He had ended it a few times but came back repeatedly (messing with her head). I just can’t take this in!! She has said he strung her along and, once she’d lost everything (marriage, home etc) he just decided to tell her he wasn’t going to contact her anymore as he felt he was messing with her head!!

A message came through Facebook from her, obviously, with what was a fake name. She has sent evidence. Photos - voice recordings (it’s definitely him, it’s definitely inside our house). Even a pic of him at a hotel. Definitely points to an affair (voice messages tell me that). She said he’d told her he wasn’t attracted to me and had wanted to leave the marriage (she’d believed this). This has being going on for years! She also told me he had been chatting to women online for our entire marriage and had met someone else, before her, a few times (for sex). He ended it. She said he has expressed guilt but carried on doing it, as did she.

She had discovered where we lived and knew my name.

What the hell do I do?? I don’t have any family and we don’t have any children. I have just reduced my hours at work!! I’m absolutely sick to my stomach (and in shock). It looks like he has befriended this woman and used her. He’s obviously using me too!!

Has this happened to anyone else?

I will admit, our marriage is more like a friendship now and I am overweight so maybe he doesn’t find me attractive. 😢

I meant with this woman

the op said that he’s been cheating throughout their entire marriage

Have been in a similar place in the past so I feel for you OP. Block her. She's said her piece.

Hard as it is gather your info first before tackling him. I know you will find that hard because if you are like me you will just want to scream wtf are you doing at him...but you need to be cool, calm and collected. Ms Grey Rock. ..if you have full oversight of all his financial info (screenshot everything) ..savings, salary, life insurance, pension statements etc and then go with these to a solicitor they can give you constructive advice on your financial position. Most will give you 30 mins for free.

He will probably bluster and want to make a go but that's not up to him! He is not your friend and can't be trusted.

Do talk to your RL friend as they'll understand what you are going through..a real life support is very valuable.

This is now about you, not him, not ow, not what family or friends think or want. YOU. Good luck

What on earth are you getting at?

no

He had, so the letter says, cheated on me with second woman and had spent years chatting to women (for a kick, obviously).

That a sexless marriage - ‘may’ lead to extra marital affairs. Not great but very common indeed.

" no sex within a marriage makes an affair more likely"

I mean it's literally stated in black and white.

I’m sorry this has happened to you @LetterfromaStranger. You must be reeling. I discovered my partner was cheating when I was 50. Life does get better.

There’s been lots of good advice so far.
I would not confront your husband at this point. You need to gather information, and get to a place of strength.

You must speak to your friend, you need someone you can trust. For anxiety, I got propanolol from the GP. Take a few days off work next week to give you time to think.

Take advice from a good solicitor about the financial implications of divorce, especially when you have the most assets. I hope you can ringfence the inheritance somehow. It may be worth asking the question on a separate thread in Legal to give you some info before you see your own solicitor. You may get recommendations of good solicitors on there too. The Legal Queen on Instagram has good information. There’s a list called the Legal 500 which tells you their specialisms. Make a timeline of the relationship. If the house was paid by you before you met him, does it mean anything? You’re trying to secure the best financial future for yourself, if you choose to divorce.

Do not engage with the woman. Block her on Facebook. If your husband knows your passwords or you share devices, I would change my passwords now.

Married friends going into old age may be an option for you both. Only you know if you’d be able to forgive. Or with advice and a clearer indication of the financial implications of a split, you can decide what to do. I wish you all the best x

How’s things @LetterfromaStranger

And you have immediately taken the word of a stranger re your husband of 21 years?

And you haven't read the thread.

There is evidence

Not about it being throughout the 21 years of marriage

He may know that OP knows. OW might tell him she did it.

Op should not have let him have his name on the deed. It was almost paid off by her.

This.

Don’t rush into anything Op. Take your time to process but remember this woman is not your friend, regardless of the truth of the matter. Good luck.

It was mentioned in the letter from the OW.

I do believe from what @LetterfromaStranger has said that her husband has cheated. However she should be very wary of everything the OW has stated. What is the OWs agenda? Has she 'lost ' everything or has she been dumped? Is she hoping if OP chucks him out that he will go back to her?
Lots of questions but tread carefully @LetterfromaStranger . Her agenda may not be as clear as she wants you to believe.

Yes and my point is…. Would you immediately accept the word of a stranger that your husband has been cheating on you for two decades with various women?!

You AGAIN. @MNHQ this troll is back yet again. Can't you do an IP ban?!

Right back at you!!

How are you doing, @LetterfromaStranger? Thinking of you 🥰

@LetterfromaStranger did you ever get to the bottom of this?

Hi OP
Hows it going ? Did he admit to the affair?
💐

How does sustaining their current companionship work, though - usually you have to be able to trust your friends, particularly your closest ones.

The only question is
what do you want ? Take some time to breath and think

I have just found out my husband has been cheating on me for the entirety of our marriage

My husband and I have been together for 7 years and have been married for 14 months.

On Saturday my husband sat me down and told me he had something to confess. I genuinely feel like my entire marriage has been blown apart and I don’t even know how I’m supposed to process everything he’s told me.

During the final year of our engagement, he cheated on me with three different women in paid sexual encounters. One of those happened about a month before our wedding.

One of the women he paid to sleep with he developed an attachment to, their relationship stopped being transactional and developed into an affair lasting a total of 18 months. It began before our wedding and has continued throughout basically our entire marriage.

He has used around 15 days of annual leave to see her. On those days he would get dressed for work, leave the house pretending he was going to the office, spend the day with her and then come home to me afterwards as though he’d just had a normal day at work.

They messaged every day and video called around 4-5 times a week.

There have also been occasions where she travelled to stay in our city for several days and he financially helped make that possible.

One of those times was around 10 days after our first wedding anniversary, while my parents were staying with us. He got dressed for work every morning, left the house and spent the day with her, then came home to me and my parents afterwards like nothing had happened.

The other time was LAST WEEK.

He had already decided that he wanted to stay married to me and apparently he and this woman had already agreed to end their relationship. But they had three days planned together and decided to go ahead with them anyway as a final goodbye.

So when my husband sat me down on Saturday to tell me he had ended his affair and wanted to save our marriage, he had literally spent three days with her immediately beforehand.

There were also two completely fabricated “work trips.”

The first time, he video called me from the hotel lobby late at night. We normally show each other our hotel rooms when one of us is away, so I asked to see his room. He kept putting it off and saying he’d show me later or the next morning. I eventually insisted.

He called me back from the room and showed me that it was empty.

I’ve now discovered she had packed up her things and left the room while he made that call so I wouldn’t see any evidence that she was there.

The second fake work trip is somehow even worse.

A few days beforehand he’d randomly disappeared to the shops and I thought his behaviour was strange enough that I actually asked him outright whether he was cheating on me.

He denied it.

Because I already felt uneasy, I asked him not to stay overnight on his upcoming “work trip” and to come home instead. He initially agreed. He then came back to me and said his boss had insisted he needed to stay overnight.

When he got to the hotel, he filmed the room for me to reassure me that everything was fine.

There was no work trip.

His boss had never insisted on anything.

He had taken annual leave specifically to be with her.

And while my husband was filming the hotel room to reassure me that my suspicions were wrong, she was HIDING UNDER THE BED so I wouldn’t see her.

I genuinely don’t know how to process that part. I was right. I directly asked my husband whether he was cheating and instead of telling me the truth, he constructed an entire fake work situation to convince me that I was imagining it.

Then there’s the pregnancy.

About a year ago, he got her pregnant. She had an abortion. He knew about the pregnancy, supported her through the abortion and was on the phone with her when she took the medication.

There is much more regarding the sex, money, hotels, gifts and lying, but honestly these are just the highlights.

And then there’s the relationship itself, which somehow hurts even more.

He told me that at some point he specifically asked her to become his girlfriend because he wanted to give their relationship “structure” and “validity” and because he wanted to pursue a relationship with her.

He is in love with her.

He told me he hasn’t felt happy or fulfilled in our relationship in certain ways and that she fulfilled those parts of him. He said their feelings became significant enough that they started imagining a life together and eventually actually agreed that they would both leave their spouses to pursue a relationship together.

Apparently they then backed out.

He says that if the decision had been purely about romantic connection, he probably would have gone through with leaving me for her. But ultimately they decided romantic connection wasn’t enough to justify dismantling the lives they had already built with their respective spouses.

He says our life, our history and our partnership are deeply valuable to him. He says he loves and cares about me deeply.

But he also told me that he doesn’t believe he loves me “the way he should.”

Despite saying that, he wants to stay married to me.

He says he wants us to have a second chance at an “honest marriage,” where I now know everything he’s done and know that he developed this romantic connection with someone else.

I asked him whether he loves her more than me.

He said he loves us differently.

I asked him, if you stripped away our 7 years together, our marriage, our home, our dogs and everything we’ve built and it was purely about romantic connection between me and her, who would he want?

He reiterated that in his actual life he is choosing to stay with me and preserve what we’ve built.

But he also admitted that if it were purely about romantic connection, he would choose to pursue her.

So then I asked him what would happen if I decided I couldn’t stay married to him after this.

He told me he can’t promise me that they wouldn’t eventually end up together.

She is married too, by the way, but her marriage is open and her husband knows about my husband.

So this is where I am.

My husband says their relationship has ended and that his choice now is to stay with me, focus completely on our marriage and rebuild my trust.

But he’s also telling me that he’s still in love with her.

He’s telling me they didn’t end because their feelings disappeared. They ended because neither of them could bring themselves to dismantle their existing lives.

He’s telling me that romantically he experienced something with her that he hasn’t experienced with me.

And he’s telling me that if I leave him because of what he’s done, he cannot promise that the two of them wouldn’t eventually pursue the relationship they originally planned to have.

I thought I already had an honest marriage.

I married him 14 months ago believing I knew the person I was marrying. Meanwhile he’d already cheated on me, his relationship with this woman had already started, and I wasn’t given any of that information before I made the decision to marry him.

I love him so much. Seven years of my life are tied up in this man and the life we’ve built together. Until Saturday I never imagined I would be sitting here trying to process something like this.

I genuinely don’t know what to make of any of it. I feel like the last 7 years have just been dropped on my head and I’m supposed to somehow work out what is real.

Please, can someone, anyone, help me make sense of this. I don’t even know where to start.