If your husband/wife was cheating on you, how did you find out?

[LetterfromaStranger]

A woman, visibly upset, knocked on my door earlier today and asked if I was ‘my name’ - I got the feeling she knew I was who she thought I was anyway. She handed me a letter and told me to check my Facebook messenger in half an hour. She said that there were things in the letter about my husband, of 21 years. She was visibly shaking and spoke with an accent that wasn’t local. Looked about late 40’s/early 50’s and well presented. Younger than me, I’m 60.

I am in total shock. So much so, I just can’t seem to believe it but, deep down, I know it’s true. I was alone at the time (wfh part time). My husband is younger than me, by 7 years, and is a police officer (was at work at the time). I’d stayed upstairs since he got home saying I had a headache but I just don’t know what to do. He is currently on night shift at work. He also does a lot of sport so is often out doing that.

The letter has accused my husband of an affair with this woman. She has said that they met on a site many years ago! Wtf! What started as a friendship, quickly became more. She lives a couple of hundred miles away but they have met up many, many times. For sex and he has taken her here there and everywhere in his car for days out. She says he has spent many hours chatting to her late at night. I have never heard anything but I do go to bed early (we have had a sexless marriage for a number of years). She says sorry, many times, but that she fell in love with him. Her marriage had been lonely (which she ended after getting involved with my husband!!!!) and it just happened! She went on top give examples of when they’d met (where/when) and dates. I thought he was at work!!! He had ended it a few times but came back repeatedly (messing with her head). I just can’t take this in!! She has said he strung her along and, once she’d lost everything (marriage, home etc) he just decided to tell her he wasn’t going to contact her anymore as he felt he was messing with her head!!

A message came through Facebook from her, obviously, with what was a fake name. She has sent evidence. Photos - voice recordings (it’s definitely him, it’s definitely inside our house). Even a pic of him at a hotel. Definitely points to an affair (voice messages tell me that). She said he’d told her he wasn’t attracted to me and had wanted to leave the marriage (she’d believed this). This has being going on for years! She also told me he had been chatting to women online for our entire marriage and had met someone else, before her, a few times (for sex). He ended it. She said he has expressed guilt but carried on doing it, as did she.

She had discovered where we lived and knew my name.

What the hell do I do?? I don’t have any family and we don’t have any children. I have just reduced my hours at work!! I’m absolutely sick to my stomach (and in shock). It looks like he has befriended this woman and used her. He’s obviously using me too!!

Has this happened to anyone else?

I will admit, our marriage is more like a friendship now and I am overweight so maybe he doesn’t find me attractive. 😢

His decision to deceive you and to lie and misuse other women too is his. If he wanted sex or more than the marriage gave him he could have used his words.
This is a vast shock that someone you trusted turns out not to be who you thought they were. That doesn’t make his double life or decision to be a policeman-cliche your fault. It’s all him.

He’s only been in the police 13 years and has only paid into this pension for 13 years. He used to work in another profession but had spent ten years before that in low paid jobs. He cashed his pension in from his other job years ago. I have a full pension from the NHS and inheritance from my mother.

Definitely speak to your friend

Kindly.....I expect he's lovely because he's living his best life, getting all his needs met, with total freedom to do what he wants. Home comforts, a kind supportive wife who makes no demands on him, sex on tap

I don't say this to be unkind. I say it because it's true imo

Op you say he’s done this through your entire marriage!! How do you know?!

And is he with you atm?!

What a horrible shock. This woman isn’t to be trusted OP - of course she is telling the truth about the affair, but she cheated on her own dh and she knew your dh was not single. If it has been “going on for years” then she also knew he wasn’t going to leave his wife. Something has happened here - he tried to dump her or whatever - and she has gone nuclear and following through a threat to track you down and tell you.

At this point I would definitely block this woman. She is not your ally or your friend and you have heard enough.

So then what to do about dh… did you ever ask him if he was happy to be in a sexless marriage? It’s a dreadful thing to be expected to accept celibacy without discussion or hope of reprieve, I certainly would not entirely blame him for looking for a safe release far away from home - someone clean, not looking for an involvement. Sounds like she wanted more; and he didn’t want to leave you.

I assume you more worried about the lies and emotional betrayal than the sex, since you are companions but not sexually active. Maybe the right thing is to talk to him very gently and get him to open up about what has been happening. Find out if he loves her; or it was just convenient sex. In the latter case the you can decide what you think about it - can you cope with the idea he was having sex with another women? Some women can, when they realise what splitting up means - losing their best friend, their home, their financial security looking ahead into old age. He won’t always have such a strong sexual urge - day by day he’ll get older and then will you be left with a nice guy who makes you happy?

If you divorce even though you married later in life, in a 20 year marriage assets will be shared. He’ll have a good police pension and you may be able to get your hands on some of that and may have to sell the house (it’s no longer just “your house” if you are married). You may have to resume work full time and delay your retirement.

So stressful and devastating im sorry

The OW told her about him chatting to women Online late at night and that there was a woman before her.
OP said husband is on Night Shift

Ah.

Definitely see a solicitor. He is likely to have a claim on your pension and your inheritance. Should you divorce

The house was mine, initially. I had lived there up to 39 on my own and paid the mortgage for over 10 years. His name is now on the deeds. 3 bed in the London worth around £600k now.

The other woman put it in her letter. He’d told her. He’d also said he felt enormous guilt but did it anyway!

The op has said he’s done that through their entire marriage.

so presumably he’ll be back very soon. What’s your plan op?

Oh and he is not a nice man - you need to tread very carefully as you will now see the real him. Legal advice asap especially as you have inheritance money.

Absolutely spot on

This is NOT your fault

I haven’t replied to the message on FB but I want to find out more information

I’m going out. I will message my friend at 9.

I’m always a bit baffled by posters who’ve been with someone for 21 years, and yet they immediately believe every word of a random stranger.

Hopefully, there are some matrimonial lawyers on here to give you some advice.

From what I’m picking up from this letter, the other woman sounds like she’s been totally deceived and led on.

The evidence is very real.

Well she would say that! To the same extent your dh rationalised having sex outside his marriage with the OW he fancied, she also had an affair. She also slept for years with a guy she knew was married. She’s not to be trusted; she will be telling you all sorts and some will be untrue. What’s her motive for telling you now? She’s not doing this because she has had an attack of conscience. She doesn’t give a s**t about you - if she did she wouldn’t have repeatedly shagged your dh. She’s doing this to hurt him.

Of course you want to know more but I advise do NOT contact her OP. Nothing she can tell you will help. You know there was an affair, the sordid details won’t help. You want to be told how many times he said he loved her? How she “gave up her marriage for him”? How he let her think you were a bad wife and she only just realised you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment? Come off it. You don’t need to hear her blabbing on.

She may be desperately sad or furious or manipulative or anything. She may be secretly hoping that you’ll kick him out and he will have to be with her then. Well fine but you can’t know what her motives are and the only thing I can say is they are NOT altruistic.

Block her, OP. You can unblock if you need to talk to her later.

Yes no one is disputing the affair. But after 21 years of marriage the person you need to talk to is your dh, not the ow.

Yes, please speak to her. Get some real life support from someone who has been there.

Take time thinking what you want rather than rushing into anything. Don't tell him until you're ready to talk calmly. Like a PP said, you may come to recognise that you're ok with him continuing like this. Or you may not be. Only you can decide.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I’d not say anything OP. Meet up with your friend and explain what’s happened and see if she can offer some advice.
you need to decide if you wish to continue the marriage or if it is over.

I won’t reply to the message. I think she found my FB account as she knew my name, location and my profile pic has him in it!

I will speak to my friend and take it from there. I just can’t stop thinking about it all.

Sadly I think the voice notes show she’s speaking g the truth x

If you are happy with the current situation m, a friend in a marriage, I would do nothing.

The OW wanted to act as a catalyst together you to separate. Don’t let her succeed.

You might come off badly in a divorce as the courts will want to ensure that your DH is not rendered homeless. Also you might be expected to return to work fill time. You will have to find a new home or buy him out with your inheritance less half his paltry pension ( although that will grow if he works another 10 years to be respectable). So you will end up poorer as you have more capital assets than him. The starting point will be 50.50 division. He earns more than you but the courts might expect you to go back full time. You won’t get awarded much or any maintenance especially as there are no children. The inheritance will be classed as an asset of the family if it went into family funds but you might be able to argue to say it was never assets of the family and kept discrete.
however the house value might be split unless it was a short marriage.

Why did the OW do what she did unless to get you to split.

As others have said, as you get older the sex thing counts far less and having a friend is key. It seems like he did not want to hurt you but wanted fun on the side.

Im not a lawyer but I don’t think this bodes well for you. I would tread really carefully and not play into her hands.