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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your husband/wife was cheating on you, how did you find out?

96 replies

LetterfromaStranger · 13/09/2025 06:09

A woman, visibly upset, knocked on my door earlier today and asked if I was ‘my name’ - I got the feeling she knew I was who she thought I was anyway. She handed me a letter and told me to check my Facebook messenger in half an hour. She said that there were things in the letter about my husband, of 21 years. She was visibly shaking and spoke with an accent that wasn’t local. Looked about late 40’s/early 50’s and well presented. Younger than me, I’m 60.

I am in total shock. So much so, I just can’t seem to believe it but, deep down, I know it’s true. I was alone at the time (wfh part time). My husband is younger than me, by 7 years, and is a police officer (was at work at the time). I’d stayed upstairs since he got home saying I had a headache but I just don’t know what to do. He is currently on night shift at work. He also does a lot of sport so is often out doing that.

The letter has accused my husband of an affair with this woman. She has said that they met on a site many years ago! Wtf! What started as a friendship, quickly became more. She lives a couple of hundred miles away but they have met up many, many times. For sex and he has taken her here there and everywhere in his car for days out. She says he has spent many hours chatting to her late at night. I have never heard anything but I do go to bed early (we have had a sexless marriage for a number of years). She says sorry, many times, but that she fell in love with him. Her marriage had been lonely (which she ended after getting involved with my husband!!!!) and it just happened! She went on top give examples of when they’d met (where/when) and dates. I thought he was at work!!! He had ended it a few times but came back repeatedly (messing with her head). I just can’t take this in!! She has said he strung her along and, once she’d lost everything (marriage, home etc) he just decided to tell her he wasn’t going to contact her anymore as he felt he was messing with her head!!

A message came through Facebook from her, obviously, with what was a fake name. She has sent evidence. Photos - voice recordings (it’s definitely him, it’s definitely inside our house). Even a pic of him at a hotel. Definitely points to an affair (voice messages tell me that). She said he’d told her he wasn’t attracted to me and had wanted to leave the marriage (she’d believed this). This has being going on for years! She also told me he had been chatting to women online for our entire marriage and had met someone else, before her, a few times (for sex). He ended it. She said he has expressed guilt but carried on doing it, as did she.

She had discovered where we lived and knew my name.

What the hell do I do?? I don’t have any family and we don’t have any children. I have just reduced my hours at work!! I’m absolutely sick to my stomach (and in shock). It looks like he has befriended this woman and used her. He’s obviously using me too!!

Has this happened to anyone else?

I will admit, our marriage is more like a friendship now and I am overweight so maybe he doesn’t find me attractive. 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
LetterfromaStranger · 13/09/2025 07:46

Noras · 13/09/2025 07:36

If you are happy with the current situation m, a friend in a marriage, I would do nothing.

The OW wanted to act as a catalyst together you to separate. Don’t let her succeed.

You might come off badly in a divorce as the courts will want to ensure that your DH is not rendered homeless. Also you might be expected to return to work fill time. You will have to find a new home or buy him out with your inheritance less half his paltry pension ( although that will grow if he works another 10 years to be respectable). So you will end up poorer as you have more capital assets than him. The starting point will be 50.50 division. He earns more than you but the courts might expect you to go back full time. You won’t get awarded much or any maintenance especially as there are no children. The inheritance will be classed as an asset of the family if it went into family funds but you might be able to argue to say it was never assets of the family and kept discrete.
however the house value might be split unless it was a short marriage.

Why did the OW do what she did unless to get you to split.

As others have said, as you get older the sex thing counts far less and having a friend is key. It seems like he did not want to hurt you but wanted fun on the side.

Im not a lawyer but I don’t think this bodes well for you. I would tread really carefully and not play into her hands.

Thank you. I know I will come off worse, financially. This is a mess. I honestly don’t think I can live with him anymore.

I guess the ow wanted revenge. He has had a massive hand in ruining her life too. Stupid all round!

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 13/09/2025 07:46

Firstly, before you accuse your husband, check out the information. There’s some very clever scammers/fraudsters out there (thinking of the Sweet Bobby). You never know, it may be someone who wants revenge for whatever reason.

Can you get hold of your dh’s phone to check the evidence. Remember, he’s unsuspecting at the moment so you have the power. Use any excuse to borrow his phone/iPad to check phone/whatsapp messages etc. Do you have access to bank statements? Any suspicious meals? Hotels? Purchases? Etc.

In answer to your question, a friend found out when she went into the office to speak to her Dh. He was talking to someone. It was something mundane, but she just knew that something was off.

Original poster
LetterfromaStranger · 13/09/2025 07:47

He will probably do it again, too.

OP posts:
whimsicallyprickly · 13/09/2025 07:49

LetterfromaStranger · 13/09/2025 07:46

Thank you. I know I will come off worse, financially. This is a mess. I honestly don’t think I can live with him anymore.

I guess the ow wanted revenge. He has had a massive hand in ruining her life too. Stupid all round!

Show quote history

Take your time. There's no rush. Breathe and get used to the idea that he isn't who you thought

Speak to a solicitor, speak to friends, post on here.

Don't make quick decisions. Be your own best support and advocate

harriethoyle · 13/09/2025 07:59

Noras · 13/09/2025 07:36

If you are happy with the current situation m, a friend in a marriage, I would do nothing.

The OW wanted to act as a catalyst together you to separate. Don’t let her succeed.

You might come off badly in a divorce as the courts will want to ensure that your DH is not rendered homeless. Also you might be expected to return to work fill time. You will have to find a new home or buy him out with your inheritance less half his paltry pension ( although that will grow if he works another 10 years to be respectable). So you will end up poorer as you have more capital assets than him. The starting point will be 50.50 division. He earns more than you but the courts might expect you to go back full time. You won’t get awarded much or any maintenance especially as there are no children. The inheritance will be classed as an asset of the family if it went into family funds but you might be able to argue to say it was never assets of the family and kept discrete.
however the house value might be split unless it was a short marriage.

Why did the OW do what she did unless to get you to split.

As others have said, as you get older the sex thing counts far less and having a friend is key. It seems like he did not want to hurt you but wanted fun on the side.

Im not a lawyer but I don’t think this bodes well for you. I would tread really carefully and not play into her hands.

I really agree with this.

At the moment, your pride is hurt. You don’t want to have sex with your husband but you don’t want anyone else to. But is your pride worth the financial decimation that I suspect will follow? I’d be very slow to confront him over this and lose half of what you have tbh. Think carefully about whether your current companionship could be sustainable because it doesn’t sound like this has been a marriage in anything but name for many years.

Didimum · 13/09/2025 07:59

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 06:59

I’m always a bit baffled by posters who’ve been with someone for 21 years, and yet they immediately believe every word of a random stranger.

Have you ever been on the Surviving Infidelity forums? It’s common. Is it any more likely that random women make it up for fun?

Didimum · 13/09/2025 08:02

This happened to my sister, OP – as in she found out in a similar way. Her H was out at the time. She didn’t let him back in the home and their marriage ended that day.

3 years later she is doing brilliantly and got on her feet financially, though it took a while. He is miserable and destroyed.

TammyJones · 13/09/2025 08:05

whimsicallyprickly · 13/09/2025 06:35

If I were you I'd take some time to think about what you want. Don't discuss any of this with him, yet. Have some time to think and calm down

It seems like your marriage is a friendship now, and has been for a while. Are you happy with this? Can you continue with this through retirement and onwards?

If yes, maybe you just keep schtum. Let him have his fun
Live, essentially, separate lives, but in the same home

If no, what do you want? Do you want to "win him back"? What does that look like for you? Losing weight? Sex on the agenda again? Trust?

Have you had enough of him? Would you be better off in every way without him? How does that feel to you?

See a solicitor for a 30 minute free appointment, with photos or copies of all your and his paperwork and see what you're entitled to. Half the house? Half of his pension? Half of all savings and investments? Spousal maintenance?

Could you speak to your boss and increase your hours?

This new information is a huge shock, but you might find that it's EXACTLY what you need to kick start the next 40/50 years of your life

This is a very measured and sensible response.
Unfortunately not all marriages can survive without sex (women too) but it does sound like he does love you (as he would have left you and stayed gone)
If you do decide to choose your marriage, good, honest communication is needed.
You take time to think about what you want.

EasternStandard · 13/09/2025 08:14

LetterfromaStranger · 13/09/2025 07:16

I won’t reply to the message. I think she found my FB account as she knew my name, location and my profile pic has him in it!

I will speak to my friend and take it from there. I just can’t stop thinking about it all.

Of course, what a shock. Speak to your friend, do it in your own time.

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 08:14

MoodyTrudy · 13/09/2025 07:12

Yes no one is disputing the affair. But after 21 years of marriage the person you need to talk to is your dh, not the ow.

Show quote history

and not mumsnet

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 08:15

Any children together op?

Mrsmunchofmunchington · 13/09/2025 08:24

To answer your original question I found out because my stupid, deceitful and adulterous ex husband had his phone synced to our home computer.
I was scrolling through photos looking to see which photos of my animals I wanted to keep when I was getting rid of the computer and suddenly I came across numerous photos of him and the other woman together.

Worst still the other woman was my best friend.

As photos show date and time taken I could see it had been going on for a year or more and I could even date one charming selfie of the two of them in her bed to the day before I had cancer surgery.

I’m so sorry you have had this awful shock OP.

I really worry for you both emotionally and financially.

Can you invent a crisis with your friend and say you have to stay with her for the weekend in order to give yourself some thinking time?

And it is 100% NOT your fault so get that right out of your head.

You will be devastated right now but anger will be along soon and that feels much better I promise.

Zempy · 13/09/2025 08:25

So sorry OP.

Your marriage is clearly over. You have time to pull together information on finances etc and decide how to proceed.

You have the chance to make a real success of your life without him now, as an independent woman who can suit herself. I’m the same age as you. I promise it’s not just possible to survive, but you can absolutely thrive.

Sassylovesbooks · 13/09/2025 08:29

You trusted him, he's your husband and you had no reason not too. None of this is your fault. At the moment you need to process the information you've been given. Don't confront him. Don't do anything. You need to sit on the information for now, yes it's going to be bloody hard but you must. Forget about your husband for the moment. What do YOU want to do long-term? If you decide that you can't stay with him, then quietly collect as much financial information as possible. Could you mange to support yourself day-to-day working reduced hours? If not, speak to your line manager and ask to increase your hours again. Remember there are no 'his' or 'your' assets in a marriage - unless they've been legally ring fenced. It's a joint asset pot. The house, savings, investments and pensions are part of the joint pot, on both sides. You would receive a financial settlement if you were to divorce. Once you've gathered as much financial information as possible, seek legal advice. Please also remember, this woman hasn't told you out the kindness of her heart, she's realised your husband has strung her along for many years with no intention of ever leaving you and she's pissed off and angry. This is her revenge on your husband! Yes, it can be dressed up as 'believing you have a right to know', but ultimately she didn't give a shit about you for years whilst she was banging your husband!! Now it's gone pear shaped for her, she's 'sticking-up for sisterhood' and being noble.

Epidote · 13/09/2025 08:31

First thing, is not your fault.
Second, as difficult as will be stay calm. You are precious.
Third, you don't have to make the decision now. Just think which is best and once you fell better do it.
Fourth. Don't think about why he or she have done what they have done. They did it.
Fith, good luck. Now you are in a shit storm of felling and uncertainty but many of us were there and belive me. The sun end raising and shining after some time.

TammyJones · 13/09/2025 08:35

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 08:14

and not mumsnet

Show quote history

Yes totally agree.

DSLSupport · 13/09/2025 08:39

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 06:59

I’m always a bit baffled by posters who’ve been with someone for 21 years, and yet they immediately believe every word of a random stranger.

I'm always a bit baffled by posters who cannot get their head around the fact that men are excellent liars and concealers when they want to be.

Walkden · 13/09/2025 08:40

"I'm always a bit baffled by posters who cannot get their head around the fact that men are excellent liars and concealers when they want to be."

Yes, because it's only men that a good at this 😂

user1471538283 · 13/09/2025 08:42

I'm so sorry. I think you having time to decompress with your friend is good

As much as it doesn't feel like it it's good you now know. You can decide what you want to happen.

Could you up your hours at work again so you can squirrel some money away? Is your part of your home ringfenced? Could you afford to keep it without him?

DSLSupport · 13/09/2025 08:44

Walkden · 13/09/2025 08:40

"I'm always a bit baffled by posters who cannot get their head around the fact that men are excellent liars and concealers when they want to be."

Yes, because it's only men that a good at this 😂

Not saying women aren't too 🤣

Change "men" to "people" and you've got it.

IwasatClaines · 13/09/2025 08:47

Given that you say the evidence you have seen is strong I think it’s fair to trust your gut feeling, since you have all the pertinent details about your husband’s habits and life for cross referencing.

Talking to your friend about her experiences sounds a good plan as you work out what to do and she can be a trusted support in real life. There

Anonymous23456 · 13/09/2025 08:48

Say nothing. You need to bide your time and go and see a solicitor early next week to see how you proceed. You've had a long marriage so at this stage I imagine you'll be looking at a 50:50 split of assets. In the UK divorce is now no fault do his affair won't impact anything to do with the financial settlement.

Alphavilla · 13/09/2025 08:55

LetterfromaStranger · 13/09/2025 06:56

The other woman put it in her letter. He’d told her. He’d also said he felt enormous guilt but did it anyway!

Show quote history

If he’s been cheating for years it clearly started long before you stopped having sex together. this is not your fault at all.

whimsicallyprickly · 13/09/2025 08:57

Noras · 13/09/2025 07:36

If you are happy with the current situation m, a friend in a marriage, I would do nothing.

The OW wanted to act as a catalyst together you to separate. Don’t let her succeed.

You might come off badly in a divorce as the courts will want to ensure that your DH is not rendered homeless. Also you might be expected to return to work fill time. You will have to find a new home or buy him out with your inheritance less half his paltry pension ( although that will grow if he works another 10 years to be respectable). So you will end up poorer as you have more capital assets than him. The starting point will be 50.50 division. He earns more than you but the courts might expect you to go back full time. You won’t get awarded much or any maintenance especially as there are no children. The inheritance will be classed as an asset of the family if it went into family funds but you might be able to argue to say it was never assets of the family and kept discrete.
however the house value might be split unless it was a short marriage.

Why did the OW do what she did unless to get you to split.

As others have said, as you get older the sex thing counts far less and having a friend is key. It seems like he did not want to hurt you but wanted fun on the side.

Im not a lawyer but I don’t think this bodes well for you. I would tread really carefully and not play into her hands.

I think this post is excellent. It looks at the alternatives to rushing for divorce. Bearing in mind that the house WAS yours, you have a good pension and he doesn't AND you have the inheritance

If you haven't wanted sex for quite some time, and you don't want to lose money through the divorce.....maybe consider what @Noras is suggesting

ChiliFiend · 13/09/2025 08:58

Chilliprawnpls · 13/09/2025 06:43

How do you know not a one off out of interest?

Show quote history

Because the post says it has been on and off between him and the other woman since they met "many years" ago? A one off is a one night stand, not a continuing affair that's been on and off for years.