Recovering from narcissistic, emotional and physical abuse

[Inamess2022]

That’s just it really. It’s finally dawned on me after 8 years of ups and downs, toxic behaviour, me lying to friends and family about things (mostly physical abuse) I am stupid as I gave him a second chance. He has been reported to authorities and blocked etc luckily we don’t live together or have children together. But yesterday I just had what felt like a complete mental break. I have been signed off, I have family here supporting me, I have referrals to counselling. But I just don’t know how to move forward and I don’t know when things will get better. I feel stupid and broken. I’m in my 40s and I’m just in a mess. Has anyone else been through this please? Please tell me it gets better

I’ve had meds increased as well, I’m not in any fit state to work. I just can’t understand how a person in their 40s with a lovely child (luckily not his my ex husbands), a good job, and someone who is supposed to be semi intelligent gets themselves into this state. I’m so overwhelmed.

It's not your fault. You put trust in someone. That doesn't make you dumb or bad. It makes the person dumb or bad.

You did not attract him. He sought you out knowing you were vulnerable (trusting)

It does get better the longer you are away from them. I had a mental break too and today I'm happier than I have ever been.

You need to do inward work. You need to realise the above and it will get better.

Give yourself a break op you have been through a hell of a ride.
You and your child maybe try get away if you can financially for a break

I’m so upset today. Just feel empty, confused, I can’t work at the moment, my family are here looking after me and my son, I’m getting used to the meds increase, Just bloody useless 😢

I honestly feel like I am losing my mind, I am so worried, I can’t parent at the moment, I can’t go to work, I’m relying on family for support. Having many bad thoughts like what is the point of me 😔

Feeling ground and worn down and pathetic

I came out of a similar relationship with my h at 38. I’m 42 now and can’t believe how great my life now is. That’s not happened by chance, I started where you are and every day I journaled, meditated, cried, danced in my kitchen, whatever helped in the moment. Eventually I went to some new hobbies, got into nature, started taking lovely pictures all while spending peaceful time with my girls that wasn’t interrupted by a moody, aggressive bully, which was bliss. Double down on self love, allow the feelings to come and go, they will for a while. And build the life you deserve. I still get annoyed at myself for being so stupid but mainly now I’m glad I have hopefully a good 40 years of happiness ahead instead of misery. And I wasted 18 years and he is my kids dad. That’s a different part of it altogether 😏

But you, op, will be fine. It’ll take a while but trust me, a good life awaits 😊

None of this is your fault. Abuse doesn’t start with physical harm. It starts with wearing you down, making you doubt yourself, making you question if what you’re feeling is real, so by the time things escalate you’re already caught in that cycle of not realising just how bad things are because you have been made to doubt yourself through ongoing gas lighting and narcissistic abuse. You have been in fight or flight mode for years because of this abuse. So when you leave, and when the realisation of just how bad things were finally hits you, it hits like a tonne of bricks! It’s the biggest shock ever because you can’t quite believe it, it all feels so extreme! But it is real, and it was extreme. He harmed you in so many ways and you’ve experienced so much trauma, it’s not surprising that you feel like you’re crumbling. It will take time to process all that has happened, but that will be a part of healing. Healing is a journey that isn’t linear, it can be fucking hard at times because you have to sit with all the feelings you blocked out when you were in fight or flight, when you were trying to survive. I hope counselling helps you through that process. Go into it with an open mind, and with healing as your goal.
Take as much time as you need to recover, work can wait. You have support around you which is great. And you have a child, so your child will be your purpose to keep pushing through on the hard days during this healing process.
Just know that you are safe now, even if it doesn’t feel like that yet. You are so brave for leaving him. You are so brave for seeking help during this time. You are doing all the right things for yourself and you should be proud of that. Remind yourself how far you’ve come when you doubt yourself. You left him. You’ve recognised you need help. You are fighting all these battles. And you will get through this so don’t give up. One day at a time and try to make care your priority right now. You will get through this 💕

I got these sort of messages : If I die suddenly, it happens to anyone. fucking hate you
For how you have made me feel for nothing, not a fucking thing. I hope you rot. You've never had any respect have you
No real moral compass about things. Plus I’ve been told I can’t “keep a home, keep a job, manage to be a parent” and called the C word . Emails that have gone to spam as he is blocked everywhere else have now said things like “I didn’t allow him to love me properly” Let’s face it you really don’t and didn’t care about me or my children never . It was all make believe for you. How quickly you forget and you have had audacity to call me, pull me apart with your madness, your obsession. I sort thought you might have just told me instead of the utter disrespect of ghosting me. I feel disgusted with myself that I put up with this for so long, that I tried to see the good parts, that I felt bad for him because he’d had a troubled background as a child…I don’t feel like I will ever trust another man ever again.

And then I read other threads about how lonely people are mid 40s single parents and that scares me also :( I feel so sad and empty at the moment I just don’t see another relationship in my future now, I’ve had two main ones and they’ve both been rubbish.

What you’re thinking all makes sense to me OP. You question everything you said and did and feel awful for being tricked, you stop believing in yourself and don’t trust your own judgement!

The future is bright OP, you’re out now. Things might be tough at points but will get better and better, you’ll get stronger and stronger.
The end result is that you spot a red flag from a million miles.
Being a lone parent is fun and rewarding when you don’t have an asshole sucking all the joy out of your life.

Oh @Inamess2022 , I hear you . You have had eight years of him training you to be where you are now. They make you reliant on them so when you do manage to get away you are bereft. That's trauma bonding.

His accusations are admissions - he is accusing you of what he feels.

I found learning about the behaviour very helpful. As he had rewritten our life together to suit his narrative I had to rewrite everything to see it for what it actually had been, not as he had groomed me to see it. Dr Ramani, Elizabeth Shaw and Shadows of Control have all been very helpful. You will see that they all use the same 'handbook', the behaviours are all the same with these people, and, most of all, it is not your fault.

It is very hard in the beginning. It won't seem like it now but as the days go on the amount of time you spend being upset will reduce until one day the scales will have tipped to you feeling ok-ish more than upset. Then you will start feeling moments of joy again. Then you'll start feeling relief. You will come out of the fog and the sun will shine on you again and you will glow. It won't seem like it now but you'll get there

I think it's important to make the effort to do at least one good thing every day, even if it's only dragging a brush through your hair or plumping up a cushion. Then proceed to going outside to sniff the air after the rain, notice the changing colour of the leaves, go and find an acorn in the park. I know that might seem like a big ask where you are right now but getting outside is important.

I’d really recommend the book it’s not you by Dr Ramani or giving her a follow on social media. She explains in her book that so often it is people who are overachievers or very caring people that fall into traps with Narcissists.

I’m two and a half years out of a relationship with my ex and unfortunately we have two DD together which has made the separation so much harder. I still go through periods of blaming myself and getting angry and “how stupid” I was. But it’s not stupidity it can happen to anyone and now after lots of counselling I understand why I got into a relationship like that and stayed. You are amazingly strong for leaving! Not many people manage to do that so take strength in that you’ve done that.

perhaps reach out to local women’s aid charity and they will likely have support groups. Unfortunately there was a sexual abuse element to my relationship and I have found my local rape and sexual assault charity to offer the best ongoing support.

What you’re feeling is normal after leaving a relationship like that. You’ll be starting to process the trauma, the shock will be starting to wear off and your nervous system will likely still be in overdrive waiting for something to go wrong and it takes a while for that to regulate again. Give yourself some much needed time and compassion. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you are amazingly strong for leaving at all.

I use CBD oil to help my mood a bit as I didn’t want to go on anti-depressants but I have lots of friends who have used them and found them incredibly helpful when they are in the depths of despair.

Also think about having support lines like the Samaritans easily available on your phone.

My counsellor recently told me that when we are feeling really low that having a little box or collection of items that spark emotions is good like a scent you like, a nice fabric, some pictures or a playlist to listen to.

There is most definitely a point to you, that is your narcissistic ex’s voice inside your head. Lean on those people who are supporting you right now there is no shame in that at all and likely you are someone who would want to support loved ones if they were in a similar situation.

Can you plan a short nice activity to do with your child that will bring you both connection and some joy/peace? Even if it’s snuggling up on the sofa to watch a film.

sending hugs

I'm confused by this post. Which are quotes from his emails and which parts are you talking?

Thank you so much for your responses. I just feel so empty and lost, and although I have positive things in my life like my gorgeous son, family and a few close friends I think I’ve somehow been conditioned to see being in a relationship as “the best way” again I’m aware this sounds pathetic. I literally married my uni boyfriend and was with him for 16 years (well basically settled it was definitely more like a friendship ) then met this other guy when that ended and was probably in a vulnerable place so I’ve had no time to breathe really. I feel pathetically sad that at 45 I don’t feel like I’ve been in a “normal” relationship and truly loved the right way. He is older than me as well and I don’t think that has helped. We did split three years ago and I feel so stupid for going back as it was obvious it wasn’t going to work and was emotionally volatile, I think I just loved someone that was never really there and an imposter. I’ve been living on my own with my son for three years so superficially I can cope I’m just scared this is it for me, that I’ll just meet a succession of awful men and settle for crumbs or abuse again, or be lonely 😞 sorry for the rambling my head is very messed up at present

Sorry for confusing post: these are elements from his messages: If I die suddenly, it happens to anyone. I fucking hate you
For how you have made me feel for nothing, not a fucking thing. I hope you rot. You've never had any respect have you
No real moral compass about things. Let’s face it you really don’t and didn’t care about me or my children never . It was all make believe for you. How quickly you forget and you have had audacity to call me, pull me apart with your madness, your obsessions. I sort thought you might have just told me instead of the utter disrespect of ghosting me.

You’re well rid of him OP. He sounds awful.
Set yourself a limit of time per day you’re allowed to think of him, then put him back in his box (where he belongs).
You need time to process the utter shite you’ve been through but also make time to think about lovely things. Get some stuff on your calendar to look forward to, doesn’t need to be big stuff, simple pleasures.

Don’t dwell on things he’s said, pieces are shit are pieces of shit. They’ll always be…shit. You’re feeling low atm but one day you will be able to dismiss him as you’ll have accepted that he is what he is, it’s him and not you.

Why are thinking about other men or feeling lonely in future? Why does a man need to be on the scene? Try to answer these questions (to yourself) as part of building yourself back up again. Focus on is building a complete, whole, satisfying and fulfilling life as a single woman with your family. If down the line a man crops up, you’ll be able to make a judgement as to whether he is fit to have a role in your life as and when it happens. But put the idea out of your mind for now.

Please give yourself time, OP. It’s very fresh and new and most break ups are incredibly raw, and that’s without the abuse.

You are not stupid, worthless, or crazy. You’ve been conditioned to accept those words, or the belief either by your ex or by the fact he has whittled your self esteem and confidence down to zero. I can promise you that when you emerge from this, you will feel so grateful, proud, confident and happy that you have kicked this piece of shit to the kerb. Just give yourself time.

Some recommendations -

Get in contact with a local domestic abuse service, which you can find out through Woman’s Aid. They are invaluable and will help you navigate these thought processes, and also give you practical help.

When you feel capable, look up ‘trauma bonding’ - this is crucial, and will give you clarity on the range of emotions you are feeling right now.

Block on everything. I think you already have but do so if you haven’t.

If you are at physical risk (and personally I think you are given the emails, the fact he’s physically abused you before etc) - speak to the police.

I am wishing you the very best x

Do you journal? Journaling helped me massively.

I'm a mid 40s single mum and I'm extremely happy.

Anything is possible. I think getting your thoughts out would help. Write how you feel and come back to it and see improvement.

My first journal when he left was about how I would never be loved again and was all alone and missed him etc.

I still go back to that journal from years ago and laugh at the progress and the absurdity of me saying that.

You can do this!

"If I die suddenly, it happens to anyone. I fucking hate you"

Please be very, very careful @Inamess2022 . It's a common tactic for these people to talk about death, theirs especially, at the end of the relationship, even if it's been their own choice 🙄, but never underestimate how angry they are at losing their control and please do realise that this may well be a threat.

Many of us have been or are currently where you are. We recover and actually come to enjoy the peace of being without the tie and the lie of a miserable relationship. You can do it!

Many of us have found journaling a wonderful way of venting and putting to bed the turmoil of emotions we are dealing with. Try it, you’ve nothing to lose.

I found exercise particulary helpful. Just being out of the house, amongst other people, at the gym and swimming afterwards is a terrific help. It was the first time I’d ever stepped inside a gym. It’s been marvellous. Im the oldest one at the gym too! if you can’t face the gym, a daily walk around the block is a good place to start.

You WILL get through this. If there’s any element within you that feels sorry for yourself, put a lid on that right now. Get yourself out there woman. Give men a rest for ages yet, find out what you are capable of. This is your time to shine. Good luck. 💐

He’s been reported to authorities for present and past abuse. He has pushed, shoved and and thrown things in the past 😔😔and got in my face and attempted to intimidate. Fortunately not when my son was present 😔 I tried so hard to break away from this three years ago and I feel pathetic for giving it another chance and thinking that things would somehow changed. He has in my mind a still quite codependent dynamic with his ex and his kids (who are now mostly adults) and if I ever raised concerns or feelings about this it was Met with “I do it my way” “it’s none of your business I do it for my kids”. When they used to come to our house they dominated the atmosphere and i often felt stressed and uncomfortable. There’s so much more i could say I’m just trying to process it all. But I realise now that having a good time at a gig , or going away for a weekend and it being nice is in no way a substitute for a relationship that has basically been toxic for many years

It's those good times that hurt the most and are the hardest to get your head round, but they are part of the cycle. They are what keep you there, what make you doubt the reality but, most of all, they are what give you hope.

It takes an abused woman seven attempts to get away from her abuser. That too is the cycle of abuse. They are so believable - "I've changed, I've worked on myself, I love you, we were meant to be together, I can't live without you" - but soon the cracks start showing again but on top of that you 'need' punished for making him work so hard, so it gets worse.

You're not pathetic for giving him another chance @Inamess2022 , you're bloody strong to have endured what you have and come out the other side. You've still got a way to go but you are already on the up, even if it doesn't seem like it right this minute

I feel like a mess who can’t even leave the house and when I get these confusing emails it makes everything even worse (I’m going to delete that whole email address now as can only divert messages to spam) I’m so upset and drained I hate the way my mental health is, I hate the fact there is part of me that in some way still cares about him I’m so bloody weak