Recovering from narcissistic, emotional and physical abuse

[Inamess2022]

That’s just it really. It’s finally dawned on me after 8 years of ups and downs, toxic behaviour, me lying to friends and family about things (mostly physical abuse) I am stupid as I gave him a second chance. He has been reported to authorities and blocked etc luckily we don’t live together or have children together. But yesterday I just had what felt like a complete mental break. I have been signed off, I have family here supporting me, I have referrals to counselling. But I just don’t know how to move forward and I don’t know when things will get better. I feel stupid and broken. I’m in my 40s and I’m just in a mess. Has anyone else been through this please? Please tell me it gets better

You’re not weak, you’ve left him. You’re strong and whilst it feels so hard at the moment and your feelings are conflicting you’ve made a decision that takes a lot of strength.
sounds like a good idea to delete that email address if just having the emails going to junk isn’t enough to stop you from reading them. You don’t have to put up with continued abuse.

I feel so foolish. So bloody foolish. My mental health is on the floor

It's no wonder you're feeling shit after all that. Hope you are getting some support.

I’m just questioning myself all the time, like did I drive him to this because I wasn’t comfortable like the coparenting dynamics he had, but it felt like there was no compromise, it was his way..he was also extremely obsessive about tidying and doing stuff his way and I’m not dirty but also a bit disorganised and more relaxed. He was also over 12 years older than me which I don’t know added to the unhealthy dynamic 😔😔

I know the feeling; that's how I react to that kind of thing, too ;( Questioning my own behaviour and obsessing over working out who was in the wrong as I tend to blame myself. Takes a long time to get past it sometimes.
How old is your son?

I’m coming back to say that in my experience you will find a little “fu*k it” spark within you one day and your self your esteem will start to grow.

It doesn’t happen overnight, it might take months but one day you will start to feel a little bit better, you will think of him less that day and before you know it, you are in recovery.

You must go totally No Contact with him.
Shut every avenue down; social media’s, emails, texting. Everything.

Get yourself out of doors, keep busy, fill your diary with activities, meet mates for coffee/tea/supper. Have friends over.
I can testify it works.
Try it! Nothing to lose.

I think about all the things I love fashion, music, gigs, reading etc and I can’t do any of it at the moment. I feel guilty as I am signed off work (it’s a very busy stressful job) and to admit these things to your manager is so hard and embarrassing. He has been so kind but when I do eventually go back I’m going to feel such an idiot. My son is 11 he is so lovely, we have every other weekend together and usually always make an effort to do something cinema, circus, park etc. I think I went back to my ex because I was worried about the time he was at his dads and being lonely but now I do semi see that there were friends I could have seen or gym etc even for myself. I’m scared of falling back into the same pattern. I’m scared once I’m alone again and family and son aren’t here that I’ll fall back into those same old unhealthy patterns with my ex. I am desperate not to do that ever again. That’s part of the reason I have been so honest this time with work, my parents and friends and even the police. This is hard I’m sorry for harping on

People take months off for mental health reasons, it's not unusual these days. If you were working, you'd just be feeling bad about not being able to do your job properly.
Good idea to share it with others if that will help you stay away in future!
Have you looked into why you are afraid of being alone with a therapist?

You're not harping on @Inamess2022 , you have had years of this man deliberately working on you to get you to where you are now. Everything being all your fault, controlling how things must be, taking your choices away or manipulating you into making the decisions he benefits from. It's textbook. He was probably weaponising his coparenting thing with his ex to fuck with your head, and quite probably hers too.

There are no depths to which they won't sink, just to have you doubting yourself, trying to do whatever you can to 'fix it', to make him happy. He doesn't want to be happy. His behaviour works for him.

The more you talk about it, in RL and here, the better. You need to get the tangle of emotions that his twisted behaviour over the last eight years has caused out of your head which will enable you to roll up those individual threads into neat little balls that you can store away, ready to be looked at in the future, if you need to, or gathering dust stashed at the back of a cupboard while you're out there rocking life. That'll take time, and effort to get your butt out the door some days, but it IS worth it ❤

Hi OP. I wanted to reach out. I’m 3 1/2 years out of a marriage with narcissistic abuse. It’s taken a variety of things to get me back on my feet but I am. In time, I was motivated to get a better job (promotion and nicer hours). I’ve done some talking therapy about my self-esteem and I’m waiting for more therapy to unpick my feelings about him. DC is far happier now he doesn’t live here. We are at a point where she’s not seeing him. She sees him for what he is.
It really does get better. I met someone lovely about a year after I separated. We won’t be moving in together or getting married for a long while yet. XH is already remarried.
I’d highly recommend you look at Caroline Strawson’s website and social media. She’s doing a masterclass on Sunday night online about co-parenting with a narcissist. She’s a survivor of narcissistic abuse and she’s trained in therapy to heal from it. It’s been incredibly helpful for me.

I’m scared for the future. I’m scared I’ll get “hoovered” back in. I’ve been here so many times before it is good, it gets volatile, then there’s silent treatment, then I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to “be” if that makes any sense my mind is so confused. Friends and family can’t stand him and they’ve ralied around me and have been so nice. I’m just so scared when I’m on my own and vulnerable I’ll end up contacting him. I can’t understand my own head. That I have put up with this up down cycle for 8 years , that i thought this was “love”

I really really need advice on what to do when I feel vulnerable and when I feel he is all I deserve 😔😔 god I sound pathetic. They confuse you so much, they make you think it’s good, then it’s terrible, then it’s a nice night away, then it’s throwing his ex wife in my face, then it’s arguments and vile vile texts

Has anyone got advice on what to do when you feel weak and feel like you need to contact them again? I really am so adament that I won’t go down this road again. How does anyone recover from these horrendous awful dynamics?

Get a large sheet of paper and fold in half or draw a line down the middle. Make a list on the left hand side of as many of the twattish things he did that you can think of, read it through and on the right hand side write a sentence that neutralises each one. So if he said you were stupid, write something that proves the opposite is true. Make it about you not him. Then set it on fire and give thanks you're not with him and you're free. Then pour a large glass of wine. Don't forget to drink it.

Similar history and I was on the Freedom programme with Women's Aid when I had exactly the same moment of realisation.

It gets better. I had two years of counseling but I had kids he also abused (which I didn't know as they kept silent).

I was listening to a podcast about managing conflict this week and a suggestion of "the next right step" can get you plodding through challenging times. Not what to do next week, what the next right step is which could be simply getting out of bed.

Be as kind to yourself as you would to someone you love in the same position.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time op :(
Good on you for walking away from that horrible bully.

It sounds to me like you're still shaking off the trauma bond. It's that that I find leaves you in the most brain fog and rawness. You've stepped of a rollercoaster that was dependent on his mood and your body is unsure how to deal so it's still giving you highs and lows but without why framework. Or course that's going to feel destabilising.

Firstly and most importantly, make sure he is blocked on everything (and change the locksif relevant) If there are matters like housing to resolve, do so through a solicitor. There is no further reason for you to talk to him. Secondly, get a new phone and step away from social media. Alternatively, do not accept friend requests from anyone unknown or unknown number calls.

Now, the emotional side. Firstly you need to relearn practing self care. Now ATM your mind is too busy for quiet things like meditations or yogas. So, focus instead on things like - running or dancing to music. Whenever you feel that huge surge of feelings coming in, Chanel it into dancing around your kitchen to something you can sing it scream along to.

Whenever you feel that feeling setting in of self criticism, upset or rage - go run or dance or something to get your endorphins going. Even just a sing along to a big old power ballad can help though.

When you're just feeling a bit down and less...extreme. TV, short comedy episodes can help too. Things that require focus in short blasts. The old school UK ones I'd say. Just something to give you a short blast of laughter and catch any spirals before they start.

Going out for a bit of air and (I know, hippy dippy but) if possible, putting your bare feet in some grass or splashing an a puddle can help ground you and make you feel thankful for living and, the little things, like...you know ..towels xD

You will get through this op. The length of the trauma bond varies. Often depending on how long you were together, how extreme the abuse and how well you keep no contact. But it's important to find a sense of self again.

I also would recommend, seen as you have being down on yourself...writing yourself a letter with everything you love about yourself. Or looking in the mirror ever day and telling yourself something you like about you. Can I recommend 'I like that I decided to stand up for myself after such a tough few years, I am strong and I am brave and I trust you now to protect me'.

Thank you all for your support. The most positive stories I hear the better to be honest as my mood is so up and down managed to get out today with my mum and saw a friend yesterday but still having panicky emotions about the future

Just had a massive panic attack in public I feel so stupid he said he had been round to where I live whilst we are out for the day he’s sent me so many vile emails that went to spam going from I love you I miss you to you are a despicable bastard I hope hope you get fucking pox. I am so so upset. I don’t see how I will ever recover. I have let the police know. I just feel like a wreck to my friend and family my head is a mess

Oh no :(

They sure have a way to stress us out dont they. I've always called it a psychic attack as my whole body starts to shake like my nervous system is about to shut down with people like that. It's such a horrible feeling. I always imagine, my inner geek here, that it's what the dementors in harry potter make ppl feel like.

Funnily enough, I think chocolate might help. And a nice bubble bath.

All this negative self talk, it's just leftovers of him you are shaking off. Practice positive affirmations out loud and each day his voice will get quieter and your own will grow stronger.

I know it's tough but, maybe don't check the spam in future. Nothing good will come of it.

Hopefully the police will deal with him.

Thank you for your messages. I’ve been crying for hours and only stopped just now, my anxiety levels are very very bad. Had to go and lie in a dark room. I’m worrying everyone around me which I feel so awful for.

Is it normal to feel physically and mentally exhausted after things like this cause I’m so drained, I’ve had meds increased so waiting for those changes to level out, I’m just so tired I literally couldn’t do my job at the moment, I don’t even see how I’ll be ready to go back in a week, god a 45 year old woman and it’s come to this. So hard when you’re out and about and seeing seemingly normal and happy families everywhere and you just look back at your life and think how I have messed everything up so badly

Yes it’s normal. Think how busy your mind is going over everything. You’re also keeping busy.
I’d recommend joining this masterclass tonight if you can. I think you’ll find it really helpful. I did it a couple of years ago but I’m doing it again:

Received this email In spam overnight : Let’s see how green the grass is over the next few weeks. My one thing I ask for from the world. You get fucked over good and proper, that one day you regret everything you dragged us through and you sit alone sad and stinking of piss.

I am questioning my own sanity as to why I put up with so much over the years, and then I think was it me, but I have never In my life been so vile to a person as this. I have parents and friends who love and support me, a gorgeous son who I adore 😔 this is screwing my head up so much please someone help me and tell me I will recover

That's insane rambling word salad that makes no sense. Designed to gaslight you. Delete it and forget it.