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Original poster

Scared of commitment or normal?

69 replies

Yesorno111 · 09/09/2025 16:07

I'm wondering if I should cut my losses here

Been in a relationship for 14 months, no kids on either side, I'm 32 he is 33. Currently live apart and on our own. I had a conversation with him last night about the future.

When asked about marriage he said "it's way too early for that but I'm not against getting married"
When asked about kids he again said "I'm not against having kids eventually but I'm not ready and feel like I need to get my life in order"
When asked about moving in together he said "I don't think we're at that point yet"

AIBU for feeling like this relationship is going nowhere?

We see eachother every weekend currently. I'd like children and am 32 so don't really want to waste my time with someone who is not interested in showing any signs of long term commitment. I'm not really sure what to do now!

OP posts:
NormaNormal · 09/09/2025 16:21

He's not that into you.

Shelfdrived · 09/09/2025 16:41

14 months, no kids and "When asked about moving in together he said "I don't think we're at that point yet".

Agree not that into you.

I'd say most men who are genuinely (1)available and (2) into you won't even "discuss" moving in, it just happens naturally. Men are less risk averse than women.

Either you just stay over loads at each others and weekends naturally turn to weeks, or they pounce as soon as you're moving accommodation or your lease ends or whatever.

And you have a spare key and they encourage you to leave things at theirs and "just turn up" even if you're not having sex.

Only exception if maybe he is on some specific super challenging work training or something...but then he should say that things will change when his exams finish.

Itsanewlife · 09/09/2025 16:42

I don't think any of those are unreasonable responses, given you've only been together for just over a year. Do you feel like you are on a clock or that you need to do things to a certain timeline? Don't prioritize a timeline over a person. This may or may not be the (long-term) person for you but determine that based on the relationship and person rather than an arbitrary timeline.

Didimum · 09/09/2025 16:52

Itsanewlife · 09/09/2025 16:42

I don't think any of those are unreasonable responses, given you've only been together for just over a year. Do you feel like you are on a clock or that you need to do things to a certain timeline? Don't prioritize a timeline over a person. This may or may not be the (long-term) person for you but determine that based on the relationship and person rather than an arbitrary timeline.

Sadly, a woman's timeline isn't arbitrary when they reach 32 years old.

Didimum · 09/09/2025 16:54

The moving in response is the biggest red flag. It should definitely be strongly on the agenda considering the life-stage you're at. Move on and don't waste your time.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 09/09/2025 16:55

I would cut my losses if you want kids and marriage. He will kick the can far down the road.

vincettenoir · 09/09/2025 16:56

I would discuss it further. Explain that you are looking to have children and it’s something you want in the next X amount of years. Perhaps he will get on board with that or perhaps it’s not what he wants at this stage. Good luck with it all.

Octavia64 · 09/09/2025 16:57

Move on.

Gymbunny2025 · 09/09/2025 16:57

I think if he wanted marriage and kids with you he would be moving things forward at this stage. Sorry

DaisyChain505 · 09/09/2025 17:00

What does he need to get in order?

Is he in debt? Does he not have a great job?

ThreePears · 09/09/2025 17:00

He's 33 already - how much time does he need to get his life in order? Another 2 years? Five years? Ten?

If you want children, it won't be long before your fertile window starts to gradually close, so hanging around for several years and waiting for him to make his mind up could mean the difference between you having kids and not.

Plastictreees · 09/09/2025 17:08

It depends what you want. If you want marriage and children then I wouldn’t risk potentially wasting time on this man. When will he be ready?

I met my now DH at 30, moved in 18 months later, married with a child by 34. You have to go for what you want and not settle for maybes and vague notions of ‘some time in the future’.

Shelfdrived · 09/09/2025 17:22

For timelines, my experience is men are actually a lot faster and more feelings driven than women.

  • First date - Men know whether she's "attractive" enough to be "something" significant".

This is a combination of physical attraction and emotional. They don't know what it is, but you're their "type". It's not an intellectual decision.

It doesn't matter who you are on paper or if you're weird or if you've had sex on the first date or you're technically FWB.

So this means they'll offer up their schedule, get rid of other dates, open their life to you.

Might not articulate it in a "I believe in commitments, will you be my girlfriend?" speech but you'll know it.

  • First few months -

Serious move in/wife material or not. Definitely well, well within a year.

Onwardspeople · 09/09/2025 17:28

Honestly? No idea! Now DH was adamant for the first 18 months of our relationship that he’d never marry again. Fine by me, I’d been there, done that. We got engaged after 3 years and married 3 years after that, very much his wish to do both.
You want DC however so I think a further conversation is absolutely in order. If you don’t want the same things, best to move on.

Eeehbyeck · 09/09/2025 17:32

Yesorno111 · 09/09/2025 16:07

I'm wondering if I should cut my losses here

Been in a relationship for 14 months, no kids on either side, I'm 32 he is 33. Currently live apart and on our own. I had a conversation with him last night about the future.

When asked about marriage he said "it's way too early for that but I'm not against getting married"
When asked about kids he again said "I'm not against having kids eventually but I'm not ready and feel like I need to get my life in order"
When asked about moving in together he said "I don't think we're at that point yet"

AIBU for feeling like this relationship is going nowhere?

We see eachother every weekend currently. I'd like children and am 32 so don't really want to waste my time with someone who is not interested in showing any signs of long term commitment. I'm not really sure what to do now!

You need to have an adult conversation with him rather than jump to conclusions. Kindly discuss that children are a really important part of how you see your future being and while you don’t see a time pressure right now, you don’t want to be in a position a few years down the line where he still isn’t ready and you’ve potentially left it too late.
just ask him to be grown up and honest about how he sees you guys in the future and if it’s not the full package then that’s hurtful but better that you both know that now.
good luck!

Original poster
Yesorno111 · 09/09/2025 17:38

Thanks for the advice everyone. He owns property and has a decent job so no idea what getting his life in order means really. I think to him it's earning more.

I see a lot of people are agreeing that he's probably not that bothered.
I'll have another conversation with him in the next couple of weeks about how I'm feeling and what I want from the relationship and take it from there.
Starting again at the age of 32 seems scary but being led on by someone who isn't that keen until my fertile days are over seems scarier.

OP posts:
NormaNormal · 09/09/2025 17:44

It's a lot less scary than starting again at 35 or 38 or ...

YetanotherNC25 · 09/09/2025 18:03

I’d agree, his responses say that he’s not bothered about progressing the relationship, he might change his mind, or he might not. You need to know now or you could waste time on the wrong person. If he was interested, you’d know and you wouldn’t have to ask him after 14 months. I don’t think he is.

TheSlantedOwl · 09/09/2025 20:42

He’s not being honest with you and it will be very wise to end it now. It sounds as if he will bring you sadness and regret in the long run if you spend any more time on this relationship.

ByAgileLemonPoet · 09/09/2025 23:12

Don’t let a man waste your fertile years OP. He will likely say whatever it is you want to hear to keep you on his terms - actions not words are all that count.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 23:22

Didimum · 09/09/2025 16:52

Sadly, a woman's timeline isn't arbitrary when they reach 32 years old.

Show quote history

Proceeding with relationships based on a wish to have a baby, rather than genuine love and true compatibility with a partner, and pushing to move things on for that reason when the partner isn’t really ready, is exactly why so many women on Mumsnet are miserable as hell with husbands they barely like and who are equally miserable. Choose a partner because you want to be with them with or without having kids, or go to a sperm bank. It’s really not healthy to try and engineer a relationship timeline to suit you just because you’re itching for a baby.

NormaNormal · 09/09/2025 23:37

YetanotherNC25 · 09/09/2025 18:03

I’d agree, his responses say that he’s not bothered about progressing the relationship, he might change his mind, or he might not. You need to know now or you could waste time on the wrong person. If he was interested, you’d know and you wouldn’t have to ask him after 14 months. I don’t think he is.

This. Cut your losses.

Mumlaplomb · 10/09/2025 00:00

I think given he sounds secure and doesnt actually need to get his “life in order” I would take this as he’s not sure if he wants those things at all or with you.
30 is the age most men are ready for marriage or heading in that direction. I would cut your losses and find someone more on your page.

AtBeaverGoat · 10/09/2025 00:09

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 23:22

Proceeding with relationships based on a wish to have a baby, rather than genuine love and true compatibility with a partner, and pushing to move things on for that reason when the partner isn’t really ready, is exactly why so many women on Mumsnet are miserable as hell with husbands they barely like and who are equally miserable. Choose a partner because you want to be with them with or without having kids, or go to a sperm bank. It’s really not healthy to try and engineer a relationship timeline to suit you just because you’re itching for a baby.

Show quote history

100% this - he probably wants those things- but just not with you- and you probably don’t really want them with him either

Shelfdrived · 10/09/2025 00:12

If I was in my early 30s and looking for something serious I'd definitely consider dating younger men rather than only search for that elusive "single professional guy in his 30s".

30 something dating can be incredibly competitive.

Single 30 something men can be jaded and cynical. If they are mainstream attractive and they haven't settled down it may be because they're not really available or waiting for perfection.

A 25 year old just starting out might rent and earn less and still be a bit "studenty" but can be very traditionally relationship minded....and of course will become more established and confident as time goes on.

(And much less likely to have baggage, healthier sperm etc).

As a reasonably well presented 30 something I didn't find any issue getting serious attention from this age range.

There's also plenty of younger men who are enthusiastic about becoming young dads and starting a family.